Forum menu
As a family we are trying to keep up with technology, so I bought my son
an iPod, my daughter an iPhone and myself an iPad. I felt sorry for the
wife so I bought her an iRon and that's when it all kicked off.
What an ungrateful cow!
🙄
Hahey!
I'm just getting into snail racing.
I bought a special snail but it wasn't fast enough, so I removed its shell to save weight.
If anything it just made it more sluggish.
Yip yip.
dezb that actually made me laugh. not just a LOL-type heh noise, a real laugh
Small things, small minds an all that....
What did the slug say to the snail?
Big Issue?
Friend of mine went to hospital recently for an operation to cure his premature ejaculation. I rang up today and asked the nurse how he was doing. She said "It's still touch and go".
I've been watching a lot of Internet porn recently in order to try and improve my technique.
Halfway through a session with my girlfriend last night I suddenly stopped dead still. She said "what the hell are you doing?" I replied, "buffering."
dezb that actually made me laugh. not just a LOL-type heh noise, a real laugh
+1
bassspine - Member
dezb that actually made me laugh. not just a LOL-type heh noise, a real laugh
Me too.. it was read out in the office as an example of a "bad joke from Roy". My dad even laughed at it and he's a manic depressive! 🙂
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy.
With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop!
A torso pops out!
The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink" The bartender still shakes his head in dismay.
Swoooop! Two arms pop out
The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair. By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it.
Swoooop! Two legs pop out!
The bar is in chaos
The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left....then to the right....right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent.
The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says...
"He should have quit while he was a head."
Coat, please
That's sh*t, BBSB.
I know - my head is hanging in shame as i write
I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately she'd popped her clogs.
There was a ginger guy using the self-checkout in Tesco earlier and the machine said "unexpected item in the bagging area".
Condoms.
I suggested spicing up my sex life to my girlfriend, I came home to find her dressed as a French maid while she hoovered. It sucked.
I asked my wife why she never told me when she was having an orgasm. She said 'cos your'e never there'
My neighbour came up to me the other day and said, "Hey, look ha-ha!" pointing to his garden. "I guess the grass really IS greener on the other side," with a smug grin on his face.
"That's because I fling my dog's shit over your fence, mate," was the reply.
Possibly in slightly bad taste but....
I
asked my missus if we could try the Chilean Miner position the other
night. She asked if it was the one where she goes deep down my shaft and
... stays there until she needs to come up for air? I told her no, its the one where she ****s off and I don't see her for 4 months.
A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."
24 racing pigeons for sale. Call 01614561555 as for Tyrone.. 😆
I've just been to Tesco and this bloke started flining milk, cheese and butter at me....
How dairy!!... 😆
We've decided to have a good clearout of the freezer in the lead up to christmas, but waste not, want not ...
Do you think Maddy will go with chips?
24 racing pigeons for sale. Call 01614561555 as for Tyrone.
??????? ❓
A man boarded an aircraft at London Heathrow Airport 's
Terminal 5 for New York , and taking his seat as he settled
in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding the plane.
He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and
bingo - she took the seat right beside him.
'Hello', he blurted out, 'Business trip or
vacation?'
She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, 'Business.
I'm going to the annual nymphomaniac convention in the
United States .'
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had
ever seen sitting next to him, and she was going to a
meeting for nymphomaniacs!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked,
'What's your business role at this convention?'
'Lecturer,' she responded. 'I use my experience
to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.'
'Really', he smiled, 'what myths are those?'
'Well,' she explained, 'one popular myth is
that African-American men are the most well endowed when, in
fact, it's the Native American Indian who is most likely
to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French
men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of
Greek descent. We have also found that the best potential
lovers in all categories are the Irish.'
Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed.
'I'm sorry,' she said 'I really
shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even
know your name!'
'Tonto,' the man said. 'Tonto Papadopoulos, but
my friends call me Paddy.'
Tazzy-wrong, very wrong 😐
Tazzy-wrong, very wrong
Yep, no humour there at all.
My favourite text joke I've received in the last week is :
What's blue and yellow and has a tight **** attached to it ? A Lidl shopping bag.
24 racing pigeons for sale. Call 01614561555 as for Tyrone.
???????
+1 for ????????
Very good carlos.
Corrie innit
I think people who collect magazines have lots of issues...
Anyone read this month's GQ? There's an interview with the pope. They asked what grooming products he favours
Mars Bars and smarties, apparently
24 racing pigeons for sale. Call 01614561555 as for Tyrone.
Or of course, Molly. That's my favourite so far
this remains my joke de jour
@ nbt
That joke belongs in the "jokes that make you go Ooooh!" thread from a few days ago...
...but it's still funny! 😆
I like the snail/sluggish and cloggs popped gags...very good.
Sloth gets mugged by some snails, he's interviewed by the police, who ask him who his attackers were.
"I've no idea," he replies, "It all happened so quickly"
The Liverpool manager flew to Bagdad to watch a young Iraqi play football, he was suitably impressed and arranged for him to go to Anfield. Two weeks later Liverpool are 4 - 0 down to Man Utd with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Iraqi striker the nod and on he went. The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool. The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.
When the player gets off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.
'Hello mum, guess what ?' he said 'I played for 20 minutes today, we were 4 - 0 down but I scored 5 and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.
'Wonderful' says his mum 'Let me tell you about my day'.'Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and you brother has joined a gang of looters, and all the while you were having a great time'.
The young lad was very upset. 'What can I say mum, but I'm so sorry'.
'Sorry!!! Sorry !!!' said his mum, 'Its you bloody fault we moved to Liverpool in the first place !
IGMC
seeing as my previous joke has had me branded as "very wrong" please accept these fluffier jokes as compensation:
How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?
None.
or
Yahoo! News: "Pick up moves that really work".
Knees bent, back straight and lift.
or
A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"
A man goes into a seafood restaurant and orders fresh squid. The waiter wheels over a trolley containing an aquarium, and the man examines the dishes-to-be.
"I'll have that pale green little one there, please" says the customer.
"The one with the mustache? O.K," replies the waiter, and calls out "Gervais!!"
A little French chef appears with a large knife, the waiter instructs the chef to prepare the squid. Gervais is just about to slice at the poor squid when he notices a tear running down its face and over its mustache. Gervais is touched, and admits that he hasn't the heart to kill the squid.
"I know," thinks the waiter, and takes it to the enormous German dishwasher bloke. "Hans," he asks, "could you do the honours?"
The dishwasher wields a huge rolling pin and is just about to bludgeon the little green squid when it cringes back and gives a little cry. "I am sorry sir, I just cannot kill the squid" Hans admits, his lower lip trembling.
"Well," says the waiter, reappearing, "it just goes to show. Hans that do dishes can be soft as Gervais... With mild green, hairy lip squid."
The same man (let's call him Geoff), somewhat disappointed by his inability to to dine on squid at the Oven d'Or, decides to go for a drink or two at the Golden Lion, down the road.
As Geoff enters the pub, he sees a couple of pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling. Piqued, he asks the barman, who says:
"It's simple. If you can eat those two pieces of raw steak, without standing on anything or touching the ceiling, you get free drinks for a year. If you try and fail, you have to buy a round for everyone in the pub."
The pub is packed, and Geoff doubts he can eat the meat without standing on a stool, or something like that. He settles down with a pint (or two).
Later, emboldened by drink, he goes back to the bar and asks again. The barman explains:
"Look, mate, it's dead easy. If you can eat the two pieces of meat from the ceiling, then you can drink whatever you want here, all year, for free. But, if you're going to try it, remember - you have to buy a drink for everyone else in the pub.
Much as Geoff would love to drink for free, for a year, he considers the risks, and says:
"I can't do it. The steaks are too high".
Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot everywhere, to the point that the skin on his feet became quite thick and hard.
He also was quite a spiritual person. Even when he was not on a hunger strike, he did not eat much and as a result became quite thin and frail. Due to this diet, he wound up cursed with very bad breath. Therefore, he came to be known as a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
A frog goes into a bank and approaches the cashier.
He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack. "Miss Whack, I'd like to get a £30,000 loan to take a holiday," he says.
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name. The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is Mick Jagger, and that it's okay, he knows the bank manager.
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral. Kermit answer, "Sure. I have this," and produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about half an inch tall - bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
She finds the manager and says, "Get this. There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you. He wants to borrow £30,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." She holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says, "It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."
There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their teenage daughters.
The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day & I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she smokes".
The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I came across a bottle of single malt. I was really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."
With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a penis."
A guy runs into a bar and shouts "Quick, how tall is a penguin??"
The bartender looks stunned. "An empire penguin can be about this tall" he says, gesturing.
The guy replies, "Oh Christ, I just ran over two nuns!"