[Closed] Is it possible to change?

Bloody hell,you been reading my mind mate,hope it is,takes work tho

I think it's possible to learn from your experiences and try not to repeat those mistakes and actions. Is that a change in personality, or just in behaviour?

I'm not convinced that 'a leopard can cange it's spots' however I do think that a person can change. Like mikey3 says...it takes work.

It is [i]definitely[/i] possible to change the way you think about things and react to situations. (As I understand it) the way cognitive behavioural therapy works, for example, is by making you examine and re-fashion the thought processes that tend to push you into depression. People deal with anger problems etc in the same sort of way.

Who you are is quite affected by what you do with your time too. I don't like me when I slob around, drink too much, make a mess and pretend masturbation is a hobby. I greatly prefer me when I spend my time learning things, talking to entertaining people or getting some exercise. What I do with my time greatly influences my self-esteem, which has a big knock-on effect on whether I behave like a mature and likeable human being or a piece of vicious, feeble-minded animate dough.

As with so many of these things, if you really want to I strongly suspect you can modify who you are and what you do to a pretty big extent.

You don't seem to be too awful though... 🙂

Bloody good question lad.
I know what my good traits are and have a good idea of my (admittedly very few ) negative traits, and over the years of marriage to the very tolerant Mrs Stoner I have made great strides in minimizing my baddies by managing the triggers (boring work life, work trips etc) .

But could I become a fully empathetic socialist care nurse? No, o don't think so. At my heart is a dry, OCD, logical, analyst. There's no manner of electro shock therapy going to change that 🙂

****ing hell big dummy, good post!

I think some change is possible but probably not realistic to expect a fundamental personality change, except in rare circumstances and also perhaps where other changes are also taking place.

There are things about myself I'd like to change (and I'm sure that's the case for most people) but due to various stresses and lack of time I don't think it's realistic to change them unless it also involved significant lifestyle adjustment (e.g. either retiring or taking a less well paid but less intrusive job).

I'd like to believe it, would agree with DB that how you spend my time dictates how I feel/react etc, ever decreasing circles, tipping points and all that.

Yes. Worked for me. I used to be a right *

Yes, I know I'm still a right *, I used to be even worse. Imagine that, and think how good your life is 😉

I think it is possible to change. For big personality changes you need a bigger catalyst for change. Like 3 years ago I was a general **** of a single bloke. Spent all my money on my bikes and booze. Then met the mrs. She had a 6 year old boy and something clicked in my head. Now my first child has arrived of my own and bam! I've turned into a responsible adult overnight. No more spoilt sulky kid if I didnt get my own way.

Now I'm off to find a thread about pi$$ing in shoes and kicking birds back doors in.

Certainly hope so! After 30+ years being paid for pedantry I'm at risk of terminal grumpy old sod mode (hopefully only at work), which I think bears out what BD said. Time to get out or sign up for the CBT....

I think it probably helps if you're lucky/brave enough to take a few months out to get some space to reassess.

I don't know if you can just decide to change - I think sometimes events in life change you though.

When people try and change they seem to relapse into their old ways after a bit... I find it difficult to trust someone that has been a complete canute to me for a period of time if they suddenly change their ways. They always go back to type eventually.

You can change, of course you can. Same way as you work on your riding skills. Each time you come to a situation and screw it up, you figure out what went wrong and next time you try and do it better.

The fact that you realise that you (along with the rest of us) are a work in progress means you're already a decent bloke.

Everyone's personality is flawed, but you have to work with it. A flaw doesn't make it all bad 🙂 You probably know plenty of my flaws. Some I try and fix, and some are just part of me, and other people have to deal with. I always try and see round people's flaws. Which is why I like most of the folk on here, including Fred, TJ and even Barnes 😉

people who claim to not be able to change are too lazy or too scared to try.

I think you can change your behaviour, but your underlying personality remains essentially the same - but since people only experience your actions, whatever you're actually thinking and feeling doesn't necessarily matter to them.

I definitely think it is possible to change. Have seen it with a couple of friends and family.

One person in particular many years ago had a drink problem and as such destroyed him, lost his wife, access to a beautiful daughter and the depression from that meant he ended up losing his job.

Stayed in a pit of despair not changing his ways for about 3 years before waking up one morning and decided enough was enough. Quit the drink, sorted himself out and went to counselling. That was about 12 years ago now and as far as I know he is still off the drink and is happily married with another daughter.

Now I'm off to find a thread about pi$$ing in shoes and kicking birds back doors in.

LOL @ Admirableable - good recovery shot 😆

people who claim to not be able to change are too lazy or too scared to try.

good try but aren't these also aspects of personality ? I've always been very lazy, never making more effort than needed to complete a task, but that allows me to get more stuff done 🙂

Often behavioral problems come from people not being themselves in the first place - its not about changing who you are but being who you are.

its not about changing who you are but being who you are.

OTOH a lot of people would like me to stop being who I am 🙁

I believe you can alter your behaviour certainly - though I imagine it to be a very rare thing to completely reverse your basic personality traits like extroversion etc,

Over the past few years I have become much more patient with myself and others. Doesn't sound major but it took a lot of hard work and setbacks. I feel my values have changed and I feel much better for it. But it's a constant adjustment.

I don't see why this shouldn't apply to other patterns of behaviour - whether it be a tendency to tell lies, lack of empathy or aggressiveness. but it takes a lot of commitment to carry out such changes.

As far as fundamental personality traits (extroversion, openess, agreeableness etc.) are concerned, I think one can move along the spectrum to a degree, but will probably always feel closer to one extreme.

yep there are too many people around who try to be 'bigger' than they actually are -instead of being 'who they are'....
being supressed by a person can mess you up too...
theres too much of 'being told what to do' by others in this world instead of trying to get on with life and making the best of it by simply 'just being yourself'.... your head gets ****ed up by rulers in most aspects of life ie work/relationships.... its who you get on with and most compatible with...people can change for the better or worse-its all down to the life-path we choose...

lack of empathy

this isn't a behaviour, and may not be susceptible to learning either, though one might substitute educated guesswork to a limited extent.

Yes it is possible but as people have said it takes time. I see students completely change their outlook on life and the way they think and behave. I suspect it is easier the younger you are (once you've become a reflexive adult).

I suspect it is easier the younger you are

isn't that another cop out ? Just because you're older doesn't mean your brain has to fossilise :o) One might as easily speculate that younger people are more prone to pier pressure that maturity teaches one to ignore!

sfb - I'm not talking about people who are completely devoid of any empathy. Just personally speaking, I have often found it hard to empathise with people in particular situations - I don't know why but I couldn't understand their position and would often become impatient with them. It has taken experience and much practice to try and become more understanding - I did this in order so that I might be 'warmer' with people. I can't give someone a hug to someone in need unless I can try empathise with them or else that hug is cold, awkward and just plain false. (if that makes sense)

but I acknowledge I will never be a natural

It definitely is possible,probably a few different pathways can get you there but definitely do-able.

as many have pointed out you can change how you perceive and respond to what you experience.

however i have realised that i'd rather not. i'll just be as i am and seek out people who can tolerate that.

and do work that fits how i am.

feeling that you should change can be quite destructive in itself.

Some interesting answers here folks. As always.

I'm kind of leaning towards the belief that if you recognise that theirs something that seriously needs to change, then that self-acknoledgement is half the battle. That and a real desire to see it through. I bloody hope so anyway

Before I start I haven't read everyone else's answers (just a random few) cus I'm lazy so apologise if I repeat anything!).

I think it is possible to effectively change who you are, but I think it's very difficult. I went to uni with a view to changing, but I reverted back to my old ways (then again I'm lazy...).

I think with enough effort and willingness to change though, it would definitely possible, although whether anyone would really want to change and effectively live a lie I don't know.

Not sure if I'm answering the original question in quite the way binners originally intended but, yes, I think it is possible to change quite a bit; I've done it.

By "change" though, I'm sure what has actually happened is I've released who I "really am" but was hidden before this year, rather than invent a "new personality". I'm still me, I just have a different name.

Before this year, the fact that I was "hiding the real me" it from society was really obviously (now) having a bad effect on my personality - I would be generally miserable and short with people and maybe even going out of my way to appear to have particular personality traits to avoid "discovery".

Now that I can be "me", life is actually a lot easier and I am told I'm much less "stressed out" and a nicer person to know. Changing my personality for the better wasn't becoming "someone else", it was really understanding "me" better (and then doing something about it!)

Now, I'm not suggesting you have anything like I had hidden away in the attic (??!) but really understanding yourself, and then acting upon it, seems to me to be the best way to better yourself. Don't concentrate on your "bad points", really think about expressing you and other things fall into place by them selves. How you do that soul-searching is up to you.

Talk to someone...

Blimey - where did all that come from??? 🙂

Rachel

[i]But could I become a fully empathetic socialist care nurse? No, I don't think so.... no manner of electro shock therapy going to change that [/i]

We have ways, Stoner... you might like it.

[img] [/img]

On the other hand, as must be abundantly clear, I could [i]easily[/i] take any top job at BarCap - I just choose not to. 8)

As a moderately serious answer to the OP... I've found it's not so much a question of changing, so much as finding yer way back to, uuhhh, something. No coincidence that mountain biking is one of the things that pretty much keeps me sane - it's an instant shortcut back to happier times.

Yep, it can be done.

I needed to change, didn't like who I had become due to situation/circumstances etc. Introspection in copious amounts, coupled with honesty, and realising that indeed I could become a better and happier person.

Fast forward and now feel completely at ease with myself and the world. Optimism is where it's at. 🙂

optimism is in pretty short supply round these parts unfortunately CG 🙁

I am gladdened to to read this. I know I need to change from the self-sabotaging way my life has been the last half dozen or so years. And the fact that I must have changed to become this way shows there must be a way to change again, for the better.

So thank you STW once again.

No

Yes

binners - do not focus on negativity and discard negative-thinking people. Change your way of thinking and perception.

Hell, I've had enough reasons to go under during the last few years and it's still not easy BUT you have to be positive and stay positive.

I have my health and my bikes. 8)

Interesting. Someone above said changing extrovert into introvert might not be so possible. I've spent my life since the age of 13 trying to be invisible. Someone at work said I reminded him of Violet from the Incredibles. I owe that bloke a lot, because it started some serious questioning in my mind about whether I wanted to be spending my life with people thinking I was stupid, timid, quiet, uninteresting and uninspiring because I wanted to be invisible.
I've gone too far the other way of course, but it's a recent thing counted in months that I've started stating my opinion, asking questions, suggesting ideas and generally sticking my head above that parapet. As a result I've got a new job, a new hobby most people at work refuse to believe I do, exercise, almost zero stress, healths improved, and most importantly, I am happy. Well happier.
I'm just too gobby. But I know I'll find the middle ground eventually and in the meantime my friends and partner are being immensely tolerant of me :O) So as someone said above....I just became 'me'. Pretending is safe. Being yourself for some people is incredibly scary but it's the best thing I ever did.

Good post there loulou. 🙂

Binners - as you've recognised yourself in the statement above e.g. like an alcoholic who realises they need help then you can change.

Having known you for several years, you do seem to me 'sometimes' to be on a path pushing a self destruct button. However so many awful things have happened to you in the last year, that maybe you realise change is the only answer.

Because you want it, it can and will happen.

If you come to Hit the North I'll give you some cake. Just like Bernard Manning 🙂

I've some terrible news for you Bunnyhop. I may be riding on your team on Saturday. I know. I know. We'll definately be aiming for dead last 🙂

I know what you mean about my self-destruct button though. I thought I'd disabled it for a bit. I really really do need too. Its not doing anyone any favours

*High5s loulou.*

*Gives binners a big hug since it's his thread*

Yes, you can.
I believe that psychologists say our basic personalities are set very early in life (years 2-5) and tend to be stable and not fundamentally change.
HOWEVER: we all have complex personalities and depending on the external environment and the company we keep, different elements of our personality will come to the fore.
While personality is set and inflexible however, our behaviour and our responses to any given situation are entirely voluntary. So you CAN change your behaviour.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy makes you more conscious of your thoughts and allows you therefore to choose your behaviour and have more control over it. Equally a change of scene can allow you to exhibit more positive behaviours.
I would be very careful tho of anyone in yr life who appears to be suggesting you need or should change any aspects of your personality, they may very well have their own agenda. People who love you accept you 100% as you are....

oh and go and listen to 'Accept Yourself' by The Smiths. As usual Morrissey hit things right on the head 🙂

I'd say yes you can, for a while. The trick is catching yourself before you fall again, as no one else ever seems to.

The trick is catching yourself before you fall again

No no no - optimism rules.

The news has leaked through to 'bunnyhop' towers. Let us hit the North and eat cake.

Although I agree with brooess, sometimes a person who loves you dearly can see tiny things that could improve your life.

My hubby had a really good education, whereas mine was 'shall we say lacking'. Over the years he's taught me so much. This wasn't changing my personality, but enhancing my life. Also I'm pretty immature for my age, so he's made me see things differently.

I think the problem with a lot of men is actually growing up, its a hard task and being mature and an adult with responsiblities doesn't come easily. Maybe binners this is your problem. Still living the life at the Hacienda eh!

Don't beat me up on Saturday?

I believe that psychologists say our basic personalities are set very early in life (years 2-5) and tend to be stable and not fundamentally change.

This thread reminds me of the 'Up' tv show. Some of the children stayed retained their 7 year old personalities, others changed, some for the worse some for the better. One, Neil, was a bubbly happy child but his adult life is that of a lost sensitive soul. Whilst one of the posh spoilt kids became generous and unpretentious in later life.

Erich Fromm's books are very revealing on this stuff.

Yep, because you want to you probably can. But, as with lots of other stuff (e.g. losing weight, giving up booze etc) the difficulty comes when you have to get through the point where you are no longer quite so motivated. That's what makes doing it alone so tough. My guess is that your choices are either to share with someone else and give them permission to interfere in your life (as many folks here don't like others poking their noses in). Or write yourself a letter for the future (3 months from now) about why you want to change, what you want to get rid of and what you want to improve. As cg says focus on the good stuff rather than the negative stuff.

As usual Morrissey [s]hit things right on the head[/s] is a complete and utter tw*t

Fixed that for you.

You must also be determined not to go back to the place where you were before. Accept you will have bad days but, actually, you need those to really appreciate how far you have come.

For 6 months I carried something around, never have I felt so upset/useless/helpless/inadequate. I eventually realised it was controlling my every waking moment and, importantly, nothing had changed. I had done everything I could to deal with a situation. It was time to move forward.

Optimism rules, you need to believe it.

I believe you can change. It won't be easy but nothing serious really is. Good luck (and remember to [i]always look on the bright side of life/death[/i].

Good thread this. I think you can change your behaviour, step back, take a look at yourself and get a different perspective. It's difficult though, and takes a degree of honesty, clarity and humility. but not your underlying personality, you are who you are.