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She has heaps of stuff that I paid for, expensive pushchair, various kitchen appliances, the entire contents of a 2 bed flat apart from my kitchen knives and pots...Is it odd that I want the ring back? It's relatively low value (sub £200) and wouldn't have much resale.
expensive pushchair
How old is she?!?!?
Haha. Old enough to treat me better than she is let's leave it at that.
I've never asked.. I went through a phase where I was engaged 4 times in 3 years....
Hmmm - your kid in that pushchair? If so, I'd probably sacrifice the symbolic satisfaction of getting the ring back for the hope of a decent relationship somewhere in the future.
Otherwise, it's fine and customary to ask for it back, if you are prepared to enjoy the aggro that this will involve.
Ok that's impressive. I'm clearly struggling to comprehend what's happened. Perhaps in my head if she sends it back along with any of my other sentimental items I might believe it's actually finished...
Both kids, Martin. She's not the sort to make a decent relationship in the future...
It's not like your going to use it again (as that would be all kind of wrong) so wouldn't dream of asking for it back.
I wouldn't.
Leave any decisions like that to her; will show the mark of the lady and also prevents you lowering yourself, during an already shitty time.
As I understood it the engagement ring still 'belongs' to the giver even when being worn! Therefore at the end of a relationship the ring should be returned to it's owner, so not at all odd that you want it back.
Regardless of children etc I'd want it back, but I'd also pick my battles carefully as women tend to be much better at this stuff than I am!
What do you mean by 'will show the mark of the lady'?
She's been emailing asking for all sorts of things that she forgot to collect when she raided the flat whilst I was at work. Argh. Best place to bury your head in the sand near Oxfordshire????
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I'd never ask for a engagement ring back. It just shows signs of bitterness. Rise above it.
Convention and possibly the law state , if you break it off she keeps it , if she breaks it off she gives it back. Personally I would not want it back unless it was a "family ring" handed down from generation to generation.
Let her keep it and ask for the kitchen appliances, more useful in future for you surely?
It was a gift, at the time you gave it to her you wanted her to have it.
Don't ask for it back, just rise above it.
I'm definitely not bitter Hora, just struggling to come to terms with 7 year relationship breakdown and the children too. Don't know what to do.
She broke it off, that's a dead cert.
You need to think of yourself and how to move on and heal from whatever has happened. Will having the engagement ring help you in this? Or will just letting it go aid you in moving on? You need to decide.
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You're clearly feeling bitter and angry now, but like it or not, you will have to have some kind of relationship with your ex if kids are involved.
I've never asked.. I went through a phase where I was engaged 4 times in 3 years....
You are
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murf - asking for kitchen appliances would be red rag to a bull. 'You'll only sell them and buy bike stuff!@#$!'
Tbh Martin I don't know what to feel anymore. Life just seems to be rolling by without a purpose or cause at the moment. I know I have my children but I haven't seen them for getting on 3 months now and my parents etc just feel so distant even though I'm living with them...sigh.
Engaged 4 times in 3 years?
You live life in the fastlane Sir (now get off the motorway and don't try crossing it again- use the footbridge in future).
bradley, where abouts in Oxfordshire are you? I'm in Witney(but can drive) if you want someone different to go for a ride with?
It's important that you stay as amicable as possible with her.
I am going through a similar thing. 7 Years also, and not always the easiest 7 years, but I stayed loyal and faithful and loved her through it all.
I am seeing it as I love her and if it's the best then so be it. But it's not easy by any means.
Everyone deals with it differently I guess. But keep calm, stay close with your friends and try not to get into bitter fighting.
Tbh Martin I don't know what to feel anymore. Life just seems to be rolling by without a purpose or cause at the moment. I know I have my children but I haven't seen them for getting on 3 months now and my parents etc just feel so distant even though I'm living with them...sigh.
Sounds shit, and I can understand why you're brooding on what is, on the face of it, the very minor matter of a £200 ring.
Sounds like you need to make a plan and working towards the major things - getting to see your kids being top of the list.
Ask for it back? Doesn't it usually get thrown in your face, whether you want it or not?
+1 to this advice.hora - Member
I'd never ask for a engagement ring back. It just shows signs of bitterness. Rise above it.
Sounds like you're still upset, either fight to get her back or move on, if she's moved out she's probably got someone else in mind so you'd better steel yourself for the inevitable.
+1 on this as well, if they are your kids you need to try and stay as cool with it as possible and accept she's done with you, but that doesn't mean if you can get over the upset that you lose touch with your kids.traildog - Member
It's important that you stay as amicable as possible with her.I am going through a similar thing. 7 Years also, and not always the easiest 7 years, but I stayed loyal and faithful and loved her through it all.
I am seeing it as I love her and if it's the best then so be it. But it's not easy by any means.
Everyone deals with it differently I guess. But keep calm, stay close with your friends and try not to get into bitter fighting.
Corny crap expression, but.. [i]If you love some(one/thing) set it free[/i] if the love is mutual it/she'll return if it/she doesn't then how is imprisoning it/her a means of expressing love?
Jengle - Appreciate the offer and usually I'd accept, gladly, but I no longer ride pushbikes. When all this kicked off I didn't have any motivation to go out and ride on my own so sold up and bought into MX (a Pre85 Honda to restore and a modern Kawasaki to ride) and that's what is keeping me busy at the moment. I'm only Kidlington though.
traildog - I still love her, clearly, but I'm struggling to deal with it at the moment because I'm not 100% sure where she stands...that doesn't help at all. I don't know what she's feeling because I've been asked not to contact her...
Martin - That is of course my priority but what if 12 months down the line I'm not over this and I've got to go and collect my girls from her house and all those awkward awful things that happen to separated parents (new partners etc) I'm just not sure what to do to help deal with it.
It could be worse though, my thoughts go out to the young mx rider (also named brad) who died on Sunday.
She's living with her aunty and uncle in a place where she has no friends nor knows anyone...I doubt she's on the scene again already.
what if 12 months down the line I'm not over this and I've got to go and collect my girls from her house and all those awkward awful things that happen to separated parents (new partners etc) I'm just not sure what to do to help deal with it.
A friend of mine has issues with his ex (he's lost several wing mirrors etc) so she drops his boy at his grandma's and my mate either has tea at his mum's with the boy or picks him up and takes him home from there, this arrangement means he never has to see his ex (and so the boy doesn't see them argue etc) and the boy sees his Grandma twice a week (one weekday evening and one weekend day).
She's living with her aunty and uncle in a place where she has no friends nor knows anyone...I doubt she's on the scene again already.
Don't say that in public, you will have frustrated forum members sniffing around the scent of a recently singled, vulnerable woman....
Seriously my advice stay away, she comes with a lot of baggage...! I still love her though...
If she was a class act, she'd have given you it back when she broke off the engagement.
Because you are a class act, you're going to let that go.
🙂
That's tragic though Jengle, 2 days a week for the dad? I had both my parents all my life, and my grandparents, both sides. A very strong family set up with very good family morales.
She had a broken relationship with her parents which I'm not going into detail but I feel like we (both me and her, mostly me) are failing my girls if we cannot provide a steady stable normal family life. I don't wanna do that to them...
bradley - Member
She's living with her aunty and uncle in a place where she has no friends nor knows anyone...I doubt she's on the scene again already.
Well that begs the question what the heck did you do/not do to force her into that decision?
That's tragic though Jengle
Very true, but as he says it's better than nothing 🙁
According to a report on Europe 1 one in five fathers have no contact with their kids after a separation. That's in France but I doubt the UK is any different. Avoiding things which might fuel the fire will reduce the risk of becoming one of the one in five. Three months is already a long time, the ring issue is fuel that will probably keep the fire burning longer.
The pushchair is for the kids not her, probably a lot of the other contents too. She needs them. Being pragmatic and conciliatory is the way to more contact with your children.
Three things.
1)
Is it odd that I want the ring back?
A more pertinent question might be, "why do you want it back?" (And also, why does she want to keep it?)
2)
Personally, irrespective of "now" the way I'd look at stuff like engagement rings is the same as any personal history; it's a product of its time. If I gave someone a ring it was to express how I felt at that time, how I might feel now doesn't change how I felt about them then, and it would be a disservice to the past few years to demand it back. What the hell would I do with it anyway, pawn it for a tenth of its value?
If roles were reversed I'd expect to keep any gifts, unless they were personal to the giver and irreplaceable; eg, the ring was your deceased mother's or something (which is a bit creepy IMHO, but just an example).
3)
You're breaking up a seven year relationship. With respect, a (now second hand) ring is the least of your concerns. So long as she's not taking the piss, there's no point in being stubborn about the small stuff when you're going to have to discuss things like custody and access of kids.
My advice would be to establish regular contact with your children as a top priority. It will give you something to focus on. Was in a similar position to you a while back, being a good dad to the kids helped me through a difficult patch. Forget about the material things, they won't help you, but being a good parent will help you re-establish yourself as a person in your own right.
Well that begs the question what the heck did you do/not do to force her into that decision?
Agree.
Sigh...deep breath. I for the first time ever lost my temper with my youngest daughter and grabbed her arm to hard and broke it. Completely accidental, no intention to harm and I've never even as so much as slapped either of my children on the wrist for anything, usually very calm and controlled with my girls but that evening just snapped. Obvious underlying issue that needs addressing but what this issue is I am unsure myself so seeking professional help...
OK, the ring is definitely the least of your worries.
I hope this thread doesn't turn into a pitch-forking session.
All the best. 🙂
I admire your honesty.
BigDummy, I'm not too bothered the outcome of this thread now, really. Pitch forking couldn't make things any worse. I've lost over a stone in 3 months, sleeping 4-5 hours a day and not eating properly. It's all guilt and all my fault but anonymous people online can't have a negative affect...