Sorry, RM, that's desperate news. Thoughts and prayers for you, your friend and his family. I have nothing to add on the good advice above, but best wishes - you did what you could, I'm sure.
Really awful news, I'm so sorry you had to go through that.
Again, I don't have much to add, just remember that it's not your fault and you couldn't have done anything more. Talk to people, stay off the sauce, look after yourself.
Dunno if my words were of any help realman but if at anytime you want to bitch/moan/vent anger through a keyboard then my email address is in my profile, i know what your going through and yeah - you feel like a shit friend at this moment in time, you're swinging from deep sorrow to unbelievable anger and rage in an instant but that's to be expected, don't feel you you need to put a brave face on things as it does not help. I still get really upset over my friend and his actions, even 16yrs afterwards and i had to take myself outside for a walk in the snow and cold night air after i wrote my post earier as it brought it all back clear as the day it happened. I'll never forget it but as the years pass i can deal with it rationally and with personal distance otherwise i'd crack up big style and prob go postal on some poor underserving person.
It will get worse before it's get better, you will learn to live with it but you will never forget it - he was your friend and thus you should never forget it however horrific, make sure it doesn't dictate how you live your life from here on forward, be honest with everyone who asks you how you are feeling - this is very important, do not say "i'm fine", you are not fine - by explaining your thoughts and feelings you will come to terms with it - it does work over time, it took me years.
Best of luck mate.
Condolensces. It will be little consolation, but there was no more you could do. People who are truly determined to take their own lives are, sadly, likely to be succesful. Seek help, and don't feel weak for doing so.
Dreadful, dreadful thing to deal with...
Realman it sounds like you did everything you could. When people are truly suicidal there is not much you can do to stop them - so don't blame yourself. Try and be with people over the next few days rather than on your own in the house. It will be better for you.
Take care,
J
OP - I can't say anything any different than many others have already. My thoughts are with you.
One of my mates at 6th form did the same, didn't get the shock of seeing him dead though.
You'll pull through but things are going to be shit for a while, I'd suggest you spend some time with your family if you can. Or go riding.
Apply for mitigating circumstances to put your uni deadlines back and retake your exams in the summer because it WILL effect your grades.
Go easy on yourself fella and dont try to make any sense of it as sadly you wont. Remember the person and what made them who they are to you.
My thoughts are with you and your friends family at this difficult time and I hope you are able to find some resolution soon 🙂
Don't be alone, use your support network and take any help that is offered to you. Awful situation you found yourself in, not your fault.
Just read this and my heart just sank.
its not that long ago i lost my son and had to do the CPR thing (it's not nice so understand what you been through there)
I'm still getting to grips with it all really myself but all i can suggest is that i found it so much better talking on this site (the support is overwhelming good and the people are just amazing)
If you can try and post/talk etc... dont bottle it up
If you need a chat mate or anything let me know.. more than happy to give ya a call...
Will be hard over the next few weeks but try and keep your Chin up stay positive and dont blame yourself!!!
thoughts are with you
This brought back some very bad memories.
The same thing happened to me - On April 26, it will be four years ago since I had to cut Andy's body down - But, the memory's still 'raw'.
You will experience an absolute roller coaster of emotions from very upset to incredibly angry. - This is normal.
It's an awful position to be in - the constant questioning and beating yourself up wondering if you'd missed something, however small.
One of the posters above mentioned you being linked with University ? - If this is the case, I'm guessing they'll have someone professional trained to help you with this kind of situation - Use them !
Most blokes initial reaction at the thought of seeking help is to feel that they're somehow weak - Get rid of that thought right now !
Go and speak to someone as it will be a good way to offload & It's good to have someone more professional keeping their eye on you other than just well meaning friends.
Your friend will have left a sudden and very painful hole in peoples lives - It's the ones he's left behind who need help.
If you do want to offload to a complete stranger - email's in the profile.
Very best and sincere wishes.
Chris
Thoughts are with you bud.
We went through this a few years ago, the life an soul of the party decided he didn't want to be around anymore. A big group of mates went to bits that day. A bit of advice for further down the line is to organise some kind of event, maybe close to his birthday. We have a golf day, raise some money for charity. His family are involved and I think over the years it has helped them, as well as us.
And keep posting on here, it will help.
Nothing to add to the great advice already give.
Thoughts are with you chap, look after yourself.
Shit. That's a terrible situation to be in, but it sounds like you did everything you could think of for your mate. Please don't blame yourself.
I know talking to someone about this might seems a bit wrong, but do consider it. And take care of yourself.
What an appalling experience to go through. My heart goes out to you.
I went through this twenty years ago and that involved two people who were strangers to me, one of them died, one survived. When it's a friend it must be immeasurably worse.
I remember I later got a certificate of commendation from the Chief Constable, in recognition of my actions, but I tore it up and burnt it - I didn't need any more reminders of that day.
My thoughts are with you and your friend - in my life I've seen it from both sides and either way it's a bastard of a thing.
Stay strong, talk to people, swear at them, cry, whatever it takes to get you through.
Thoughts are with you mate, and deepest condolences to both you and the family.
TALK to people. Do not go into yourself, talk to friends, us, anyone who will listen. Get your feelings out of youself and into the open where they can be rationalised.
Stay strong mate.
Try not to take comfort in solitude, not yet. You can try to figure it all out later, accept any offers of company and see if the police can put you in touch with someone who can help.
All the best.
Realman, I hope you are getting support. A very difficult thing to have to deal with. Just keep busy it does help and please try not to ever blame yourself or spend too much time alone.
Condolences
Not sure if this will help, possibly. I have been close to being that person wanting to end things. All I can say is this - talk. Talk some more. When I'm out of my lows it really does help to talk and grab a bit of perspective. Force yourself outside on the bike, go for a walk, emmerse yourself in normal things. It's not your fault, not one bit. You did your very best for him and that's all a friend would ever want.
Take care.
I hope things get better for you Realman. If it helps, it sounds like you did everything right and you shouldn't feel any guilt. I know that you will, but you shouldn't.
When our friend Chris was killed in the Glencoe avalanche it helped me talking to my friends. We were all over the country but spoke on the phone and saw each other regularly after the accident, and this really eased the pain. There will be other friends who are grieving and while their experience is obviously different to yours speaking to them WILL help, even if it's not about what happened.
It sounds like you could do with some professional help too, but it sounds like you're getting that.
This is not your fault in any way realman, if he wanted to do it so much, he'd have done it regardless of what you did. You did absolutely everything you could do and you should take comfort in that fact.
Really sorry to hear that, as has been said, be with people and talk, not for your friend as he is at peace now, but for you.
I had a workmate take his own life 20 years ago, I dropped him off at home laughing and joking, said see you in the morning, he laughed and replied dont be late....
I never saw him alive again
Got home and my cousin who I was living with was really late home and annoyed as "some selfish ba$tard" in his words had chucked themselves in front of a train
Was on time(for once) the next morning as I pulled up outside Lee`s house...... Beeped the horn, nothing, waited, beeped again and his dad came out, said Lee wouldnt be in and who did he need to talk to at work.
I found out from work later that day, that Lee had stepped in front of a train the night before...... the same train my cousin had been on.
It destroyed his family, his mum never got over it, but he had planned it for quite a while, he`d been down there with someone else and mentioned in passing that this would be a good place to top yourself if you ever wanted too. Chris never thought anything of it at the time but beat himself up about it for ages afterwards, could he have done anything ? should he have picked up on that comment ? etc
Lee sadly didnt want to be around anymore, he kept everyone out of his decision to take his own life, but the fallout with those left behind was huge......
So very sad for your loss
oh dear mate, I'd like to put an arm around your shoulder and tell you it'll be alright. The human soul weeps whenever we hear of another's suffering.
if it were me I'd get some beers in or a few bottles of wine, get blotto'd for a few nights, play music loud and cry it out of yourself.
Realman,
Guessing a few of us here are wondering how you're getting on ?
Chris
So very sorry that you've had to go through this at such a young age.
As others have said, you did everything you possibly could and there cannot be anything to blame yourself about.
Depression is a terrible thing and you mustn't find yourself going through it too. Go and get some help.
Bunnyhop x
".....he's seemed fine recently"
Sadly, this is when you * really * need to keep an eye on the buggers.
The days before I last took a bottle of sleeping and anti dep. pils were the calmest of my adult life.
It is very sad and I'm sure you'll be running the full gauntlet of emotions as God only knows will his family if they cared about him but try not hate him for what he's done.
My condolences and sympathies to you and his family. A terribly tragic and harrowing thing to go through. I wish you the very best.
It is a tough thing to go through and no doubt there will be times when you think you'll be haunted by it for the rest of your life, which in itself is a terrible thing to consider but I can assure you that those feelings will pass, and while you will never forget it will soon get much better. If you do need someone to chat to in confidence or just email then please get in touch with me. I'm a clinical psychologist and sadly my work has meant I have experienced the very same sort of events that you have. I will only be too glad to lend an ear and help to make sense of things for you.
Best wishes.
Oh man - all the best.
It definitely wasn't your fault - remember that above all else.
Sorry to hear about this . Hope you are keeping your chin up and have contacted the Uni to see about some councilling. Horrible thing to experience , for anybody at any age.
I think the funeral will be very difficult . If he has family nearby it may well be worth visiting or ringing them beforehand.
Take it one day at a time , and if people ask if you are OK , then dont be afraid to say "no , not really I could use a chat and a coffee"
I would consider moving house as well
🙁
Thoughts with you dude and your mates family.
Don't really know what to offer, but I will tell all the people around me that I'm always there for them, Like you said in the first post.
That's terrible Realman. I had to read the first bit twice to make sure it said what it said. So very sorry it did. Can't begin to imagine the mental processes.
For yourself and everyone involved nothing but deepest sympathies.
Deepest sympathies, look after yourself.
Nothing useful to add except my sympathies and best wishes to you realman
Realman, thanks for posting this up,it just possibly it may help just one person who is so depressed and so unable to talk to a freind or complete stanger it may well save their life just by simply getting the courage to ask for help or to just have a chat.
We can only imagine what youre going through at the present time, and to you it must be hundreds of times worse, but please chat and talk to someone, sometimes total strangers are the best, proffesionals or people on chat forums reason being because we all care and will listen.
Finally condolances to yourself for the loss of a freind and to his family and feinds also .
RIP.
shit. only just seen this. i have space at mine and will be happy to go for a pint or whatever you want to do. anything you need, just shout.
so sorry.
del underscore page at yahoo dot com
Good luck mate. Keep thinking of your good times, as well as his. Think ahead to the summer and the racing and the good times. If exams and dissertations are on the go, make sure your tutors know as well as the pastoral crew.
...tried to hold him up...support his weight...cut him down...dialled 999...CPR...
Gave it your best shot then, which is all anyone can ask. Sometimes it's just not possible to save them. You will go through it over and over again and no doubt think 'What if I'd done that instead...' and so on, which I think is the normal reaction. I hope that in due course you will realise that you did everything you could and that it was his choice rather than your fault, because that is the bottom line.
I hope the tone of this doesn't come across badly. Sorry if it does. I'm just narrating the thought process I followed a couple of months ago after I spent 2 hours trying to persuade a bloke with a rucksack full of bricks on his back not to jump into the sea. I failed to talk him round, he jumped, and it took us 10 minutes to locate him and get him out of the water, and start CPR, which didn't work. Thought about it often for a few days, until I had satisfied myself that I'd done all I could, and it's not an issue now. I think it's worse for you because it was someone you knew, not a stranger, but I hope you come to the same conclusion.
All the best.
tga
You did everything you could, no one could have done more. I really feel for you and your friends family. Spend as much time with real people as you can and keep talking. There are plenty of us who will listen. You have my email...
Probably the last thing you want to do, but make some phone calls NOW - I can't believe anybody who's a real friend would object to getting a call from you at the moment.
Do this now if you havent already. I realise its a hard step. Its almost 2 years ago that I got the news my brother had died suddenly in Baku. I was left a bit lost and like many it seems posted here first. Its hard to tell people but your friends are what you need right now.
Had a nice night last night, in the accommodation the uni hooked me up with. Felt like being back in first year. Had a lecture at 9am, and I was feeling ok. Towards the end the lecturer hesitated on something and had to stop for a few seconds to work something out, and all the thoughts started coming back. And then I got an email on my phone - the university announcing that there had been a student death. Had to leave the lecture.
Had a meeting with student services & support today. Was pretty horrible, but helpful. A lot of pressure has been lifted in terms of coursework/exams/normal stuff/etc.
Also had to go the police station to give a statement. My friend (who also lives here) went in the day before, and it took him 30 or so minutes for his, and he was the last person to see him alive. I was in there for over an hour. Wasn't nice. Saw his family outside the station before going in. They're being really supportive, and kept telling me how sorry they were. I didn't really know what to say, surely it's worse for them than me? I don't want to make it into a competition, but it feels weird that everyone seems to be worrying about me.
I coached tonight, and none of the other coaches were there so I lost myself in the session, and had a really nice 3 hours or so doing that. Distractions are good.
Friends are great. Some have been really supportive about it, others don't mention it at all. I appreciate both.
The police gave me a copy of his note, not sure if I want to read it again.
I wasn't drinking at the moment anyway, and I'm not going to start. I think I'll go ride a bike tomorrow. I rode Monday (more out of business than pleasure or training) and it felt pretty good. Bloody cold mind.
Thanks for all the kind words and thoughts. I usually avoid threads like this as I either can't think of anything to say that would make any difference or that hasn't been said already. But sometimes stuff that doesn't really make a difference is better than nothing at all, I guess.
Look after yourself RM. You seem to be doing all the right things - keep busy and off the booze.
Read through this earlier, nothing I could think to say, but your comment..
Some have been really supportive about it, others don't mention it at all. I appreciate both.
... made me realise that with an outlook like that, you'll pull through.
Condolences & Best Wishes to all.
There is a chance you could suffer from post traumatic stress, talk things through with a medical professional asap.
All the best mate. Like others have said previously, get counselling. Post traumatic stress is a very real danger and can lead to your own depression.
You seem a really sensible and gathered lad, but don't go it alone.
