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Ah, where do I start?? Emotional anguish tonight STWers, needing something from you. Regular poster posting under a new handle for this.
So: in a nutshell- over 20 years ago, I stupidly dumped a girl who really needed me. Young and stupid, I was.
She was great, I just wasn't ready for all of that. By the time I woke up a couple of months later she'd met someone else, but was seriously on the rebound, half-wanted to take me back but was scared to...
...and then found out she was pregnant by him, and got strong-armed into marriage.
I carried a torch for about 3 years, and then by chance I bump into her again- still married, just had second child, but wanted me back. She'd had a rough time, and for various reasons I said no- somewhat nobly, I felt that if I was out of the way she'd make a fist of her marriage. Which (through 3rd parties) I found out that she later had.
But I never forgot about her, not really. As druidh would note, she was one of the ones that come along that I could have easily married. One of 2, in actual fact, as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I'm still with.
I never made any effort to track her down or anything like that, and never expected that now, in my mid-40s, she would by chance end up moving very close to me, and that we would have friends/associates in common. We've had awkward encounters, and so (maybe stupidly) decided to talk about how we were going to get around things for the best of all concerned.
What I didn't expect were all the issues that came out, the major one of which is-
She: I would never have went back with him if you had said you wanted me- I was yours, you just had to ask you muppet!
Me: <tears>
I knew I still had strong feelings for her, perhaps on account of how it all panned out, but didn't expect just how natural and good being with her would be. She's a wonderful woman, in so many ways. But I feel so guilty- I've never as much as looked at another woman in my marriage (well, I have, but you know what I mean) and value fidelity and trust over everything. But a part of me seriously thinks: if I'd known she'd felt that way, would I have done things differently? And it pains me to be honest and say: I would have. I was trying to be a good guy and let her get on with a marriage that it turns out was exactly what she didn't want me to do.
I'm not really looking for advice, as I know what you'll all say:
75%- stop all contact
25%- bang her back doors in
I'm sorry for the rambling state of this post, I really am. I never intended to be in this state. I am such a dick. I'm a man in his mid 40's sitting here sobbing and trying to to get the picture of her face out of my mind, and wondering why I still miss her so badly after 20+ years. What if she really was 'the one' and I let her go? I've a wife and kids that need to come first, but how can I face them if this is whats really going on inside me?
Never go back to a lit firework.
There is no such thing as the one. You are running on memories. I'm sure she has a myriad of habits that would drive you mental. Sometimes the grass may look green but is in fact painted concrete. MTFU with your life and move on.
Respectfully.
Agreed. You want what you can't, or don't have. Simple human and man instinct. I've had 5 or 6 girls on the go at once due to this. If you went off with her you'd probably miss your wife and flit between the two.
Pain has evolved in humans (and all animals) to help us avoid physically dangerous situations.
Emotions are just another (more complex) facet of this. If you screw up a relationship then the consequences can be just as bad (if not worse) as breaking bones. After all, it might mean you would be unable to reproduce. So suffering extreme pain when this happens is an excellent survival trait.
With physical pain we are used to the idea that we take pain killers in order to damp down our natural responses. For emotional pain we just have to get over it.
I've had 5 or 6 girls on the go at once due to this
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Buy a new bike. Problem solved.
how can I face them if this is whats really going on inside me?
Is it? Or is it just a 'grass is greener' thing?
The past is the past. Woulda coulda shoulda, irrelevant. You're (presumably) both happily married now. Seems like you've an opportunity to rekindle a [b]friendship[/b] that you'd lost, and I'd take that as a plus.
But, if you can't handle a friendship without wanting more, you want to seriously consider closing the door before it gets out of hand. Nothing good will come of this.
Considering how I felt just stumbling upon some photos of a lass I could easily have married your emotions must be pretty bonkers right now.
I can't offer advice, sorry.
Maybe, given a bit of time you'll be able to rebalance your emotions and deal with things that where maybe undealt with. But who knows, so many variables.
Good Luck
No, it's called a missed-life crisis. Similar situation in some respects here, although the lovely girl in question lives some way away, and we've only seen each other a couple of times recently, after not having any contact for some ten or so years. Only found her again by accident, after things got a bit iffy because of an abusive partner. Things are now ok, but there's no social contact. I'd have her back in a pico, if she said yes, but it ain't gonna happen.
My stupid fault, and one I've regretted many, many times over the years.
Prolly a good thing she lives thirty or so miles away... 🙁
I'm in the 25% camp.
However, I suspect if it's this hard now, it probably was then. Sometimes the hard way and the right way are the same.You knew it then, sounds like you know it now. So it's time to MTFU for a second time, stop living in the past and go have fun with you're family, NOW.
If you go 75%, can I have her number.
still married, just had second child, but wanted me back. She'd had a rough time, and for various reasons I said no- somewhat nobly
Seems beside the point, but i think the way you spelled [i]nobbily[/i] just serves to confuse
I have the chance tone with the girl of my dreams (whom id dated a couple of years previous)about 7 years ago, but passed it up as I didn't want to appear desperate, met her again a few years later (well I invited her round after I heard she'd split with her then bf, we'd stayed mates...) we had an awesome night that ended up on the sofa just cuddling. Really, nothing happened. As soon as she left my mind was made up, I needed her in my life all the time.
Stupid browser, more to come....
Good advice I've always lived by: Help yourself to a hand shandy. In the 5 minutes or so afterwards your brain *will not* lie to you. Make the decision based on those 5 minutes.
Use this advice wisely though. I've had some very awkward business meetings....
This ---->
as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I'm still with.
There is one I would go back to, it would destroy my life as I knew it but only one.
The rest as said above never go back, it will never be the same.
The third post down (NZcol) nails it, just mtfu and stop seeing her.
You moved on. Leave it that way...
as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I'm still with.
You made a promise at some point. Be a man and stick to it.
on your death bead which would you regret more? life is too short to piss about being noble. we are here for such a short time, don't spend it being miserable so others may think what a decent chap your are when your soul has withered and you're just going through the motions in life. All life should be about experience and continual learning.....
and as that happy chappy Crowley once said " do what thou will, shall be the whole of the law"
That evening I called her and let it all out, that I'd never gotten over her and would do anything go try again. But I was too late, she'd met. Guy a few month before and was falling for him. My world fell though its arse, really was heart broken and in bits and I don't think I've ever been in such a bad place. There's no happy ending to this on my side, she's married this fella and they seem blissfully happy. Me? I've been single for all but 4 months of the last 7 years. Moral of the story, you'll know if she is the woman of your dreams, so you'll know deep down what you need to do.
You're possibly at the age when you look back on your life, question everything, should you have done things differently. Were you happy until this lady appeared? Are there cracks in your marriage? If so, have you done anything about it?
Is an affair a possibility? Could you really do that and live with yourself?
I see what tazzy is saying and yep agree with it but it could be bloomin' hard to do.
Could of done things differently but you didn't. You had a choice and you made it for the best. Dont go ****ing up what you have got as a result of that choice. No point regretting it. The choice you have now is ruin what you have for an unknown quantity or get a grip of yourself and cherish what you have got as a result of your original decision.
and as that happy chappy Crowley once said " do what thou will, shall be the whole of the law"
Personally, I don't value relationship advice from men that bugger goats.
Personally, I don't value relationship advice from men that bugger goats.
I'd rather be friendly with ruminants
than
"cherish what you have got as a result of your original decision." which is basically don't rock the boat, be safe and bland and compliant and wonder in 10 years time what the hell have you done 😆
Is worth bearing in mind that I have no moral compass and couldn't give a toss what others think, why live your life to a strangers expectation?
as I met my wife about 5 years after all this, who I'm still with.
This.
Stay away buddy. Buy a new bike and give Piemonster her number.
Is worth bearing in mind that I have no moral compass and couldn't give a toss what others think
*swoon*
No medals handed out for long marriages!
two choices
1. you made your bed lie in it
2. You only lve once perhaps she is the one
personally I dont know which it is for you but it is a helluva risk to leave
IMHO if she is the one she would have been the one rather than the one that got away.
Think we all probably hold a candle ish to someone. I met mine a few years ago ...lets just say time had not been kind to her but the fridge had.
No medals handed out for long marriages!
But porking an ex from 20 years ago will gain you universal acclaim?
You have to be true to yourself and that means asking painful questions. Nobody is looking for universal acclaim obviously!
Think of your life like a game...
You are the rock, you are strong, you can do what you like, you can win.
Your wife, she has the marriage, a piece of paper. Paper beats rock, holds you down, holds you back, she is winning, for now. Old flame returns, she is scissors. Scissors cuts paper, marriage is over, wasted, useless, wife destroyed, you are free to move on, do what you want to do. But wait, rock smashes scissors, you've done it before, at least twice, so you know you can do it again. But it's a game, and you can't wait years to decide again, so what's it going to be?
1...2...3...?
Nurse, my coat please, yes, the one with the straps at the back.
You have to be true to yourself and that means asking painful questions. Nobody is looking for universal acclaim obviously!
well said c_g....ooo a cougar *licks finger, smooths eyebrow*...wellll heeeelllllooooo 😉
To be fair, the OP doesn't sound like a serial adulterer.
To be fair, the OP doesn't sound like a serial adulterer.
Well, they are obviously a natural at deception, what with having a fakey login.
Lol at tazzy. 😀 I'm just a cynical old girl who knows her own mind now but didn't a while ago.
Jamie darling, that's not nice.
You have to be true to yourself
I do like the way this has found it's way into explanations of why some one chose to be selfish.
No disrespect intended to your good self cg
I do like the way this has found it's way into explanations of why some one chose to be selfish.
does acting in a way contrary to your want and needs make any more happier? or just give you a higher horse to sit on? You are born alone and die ultimately alone, why would you waste the bit in the middle not thinking of self?
to hide from difficult choices by claiming morality just makes you weak.
to hide from difficult choices by claiming morality just makes you weak.
You are Ayn Rand, and I claim my $5.
do like the way this has found it's way into explanations of why some one chose to be selfish.
Why selfish?
Achievement of your happiness is the only moral purpose of your life, and that happiness, not pain or mindless self-indulgence, is the proof of your moral integrity, since it is the proof and the result of your loyalty to the achievement of your values.
and
Ask yourself whether the dream of heaven and greatness should be waiting for us in our graves - or whether it should be ours here and now and on this earth.
Jamie I do tend to see things from an objectivist perspective yes.
Dare I say that we all get sucked into some sort of Utopia, we're livin' the dream but, er, actually perhaps we're not. Have a reality check.
Honesty is where it's at.
So, can I have her number or wot?
Honesty is where it's at.
Nah. It's all about deceit, and getting away with it.
Tazzy always thinking of self never leads to being happy.
Building a stable home for the kids should make you happy .
Finding out the grass isn't greener can make you unhappy etc etc
Only thinking of self based on arriving and leaving alone ? I think I would just top myself now and be done with I mean why bother
Do your promises mean anything? Being happy is all very well but not on the backs of others.
Has your married life been all bad? What have you done your to make your marriage the best it could be?
If you haven't given it your all how do you know the next one will be better?
She wasn't prepared to wait in the past, so you weren't what she wanted. How do you know she wants you for anything other than a stop-gap before she decides that the grass elsewhere is greener?
"Tread carefully for you tread on your wife's dreams"
In the end you have to look at your reflection each morning and be happy with your choices. Good luck with your decision.
To the OP can I ask, do you find her very sexually attractive also?
Nonk it's about rational self intetest. You suggest my way of looking at life would lead to suicide or that I should kill myself. To me that just suggests that you have never really been confident or comfortable with yourself or your own descisns and seek affirmation through the eyes of others. Do you by any chance also follow a religion?
20yrs ago I ended someone. Thought about her alot but IF I liked her THAT much it wouldn't have been 20yrs. You too OP.
Get over your mid life crisis and no its not an itch that needs scratching.
Dont hurt your partner.
If this woman liked you THAT much back then she would have kept her legs shut and not taken no for an answer from you.
Harsh but true.
20yrs ago I ended someone.
😯
Mate, I think you need to realise that your impression of her is based on things and memories from a long time ago, a form of escapism.
That time opportunity has passed, you've met another person, had a family lived a real life. ( these are filled with the grind of existence and the shine can fade) unlike your dream/ escapism. What I'm getting at is it won't be bliss, you need to recognise this, really recognise this.
As if you do cross the Rubicon the your not going back to your current life your burning your bridges. I understand it must be terrible but it's just a feeling you can control it and make it go away if you want.
Does your wife like threesomes?
20yrs ago I ended someone.
...and coincidentally, laid a new patio.
If this woman liked you THAT much back then she would have kept her legs shut and not taken no for an answer from you.
Harsh but true. Get over it or betray your wife and lose all the friends you share when you get caught, get in a fight with the cougars current husband, sob on a night when you realise its all gone wrong but its too late and your wife won't have you back, end up with nothing.
Or it could work out
Interestingly nonk is the second person who's told me I should top myself on stw in past couple of weeks.....do you and molgrips have shares in the samaritans? 😯
You suggest my way of looking at life would lead to suicide or that I should kill myself. To me that just suggests that you have never really been confident or comfortable with yourself or your own descisns and seek affirmation through the eyes of others. Do you by any chance also follow a religion?
no idea why you feel the need to do this sort of stuff regularly on STW
Often very funny but sometimes just rather odd, confrontational and some way from what i would term objectively rational
Interestingly nonk is the second person who's told me I should top myself on stw in past couple of weeks.....do you and molgrips have shares in the samaritans?
Tazzy - you're obviously a free spirit. Expect different reactions!
Junky darling I think we are very different people. I shall keep my personal opions off stw and just let others post theirs with no comment from me. I'd hate to muddy the waters with a different life view to the majority. Xxx 😀
I'm thinking we have all foolishly responded to a troll, the OP is absent from this thread..
Junky darling I think we are very different people. I shall keep my personal opions off stw and just let others post theirs with no comment from me. I'd hate to muddy the waters with a different life view to the majority.
I guess that should be passive-aggressive-objectiveness.
8)
I predict that if you go for it you will be happy for 6 months and then relaise you were better off where you are now. If you stay where you are now you will be miserable for a while and then realise you are better where you are now.
.
20yrs is a long time, yes you may want the girl she was 20yrs ago but she will be a very different person by now.
I'm thinking we have all foolishly responded to a troll, the OP is absent from this thread.
Hes probably analysing his hairline in the mirror whilst worrying that he isn't great in bed and maybe pulling someone will make him feel virile again.
I'm thinking we have all foolishly responded to a troll, the OP is absent from this thread..
Troll or not, I can appreciate the effort they put into the first post.
Hes probably analysing his hairline in the mirror whilst worrying that he isn't great in bed and maybe pulling someone will make him feel virile again.
Or he'll start killing people to feel virile again, like you Hora. 
20yrs ago I ended someone.
It seems others here have always suspected it. 😛
I'm thinking we have all foolishly responded to a troll, the OP is absent from this thread..
Dammit. Well at least someone googling 'should I dump my wife for my ex' will find this mine of info. If anything, we've provided a public service.
It's Piemonster I feel sorry for. He'll never get her number.
You have kids ?
Just put the mental picture in your head of you having to sit down and explain to them what you have done (if you do). That should be the biggest dose of wake-the-****-up from your current dreamlike state anyone should ever need.
Holster that cock OP. Close the leather strap over that sidearm.
Go home and pleasure your wife. Not someone else's.
I may regret this, but do I assume Hora has a magnificent cock holster?
As druidh would note, she was one of the ones that come along that I could have easily married.
Can we not ask druidh?
Its beautiful!
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OP, think of all the women there are in the world. D'you really think there are just 2 that you could be really happy with?
There are many who you could have many different but brilliant lives with but haven't been looking for them have you?
If you have a problem at home sort it, otherwise MTFU 🙂
How good / bad is your marriage not considering the old flame?
If its well and truely already on the rocks?
Is it just in need of some attention?
Are you still in love with your wife?
Treasure what you have because it's real and honest, not the memories of years ago. The Egyptians were right in thinking the heart was where all emotion etc. was because that's where we tend to feel it most and in your case it must be horrible.
I can relate to your experience and suggest that no more contact is the best action, i think most of us discover as we get older there is no 'perfect'. We have perfect moments and great times but not all the time because if we did they would be so great or perfect any more.
It's your decision and i know the turmoil you must be going through but really look at what you have now and treasure that.
You should only revisit your back catalogue when you are self-pleasuring. Never in person...