[Closed] I feel nothing towards my baby

I hear you loud and clear I have three daughters I fully understand newborns are demanding and turn your world upside down you need to find some structure within that for time for you and your wife,it's never easy people hardly ever talk about the times when your at the end of your tether ...but it doesn't last forever things change life changes you change it will get better not much help just now but it will pass stay strong ...and try and get some kip

Part of the issue, I think, is that I wasn't convinced on having children

Why was that? Not the right time? Not the right woman? Just don't like babies/children?
It might help to answer those questions honestly to see if there is a root cause to your resentment.

Babies are a massive stress for sure, we have 2 young daughters, but I can't say I felt like you do when our first was born. I certainly had moments where I wanted some space for myself (still do 5 years on) but I certainly did love both our daughters from the very start. I wasn't convinced at all about having a second child, but still loved her when she arrived.

I guess we are all different and react in different ways to massive change - which babies certainly are!

It's funny OP but you'll find you as a parent are different things to your kid,

Me, I'm the fun, happy, cycle, football, guy, who spoils him a bit too much and lets him get away with stuff.

The wife is the homework, making things, reading and watching Strictly with him....

Sometimes I'm his world... sometimes his mum is... When he's poorly, I barely exist... but then there's times where she shouts at me as he won't leave my side...

It's weird how they work

If it helps, I started riding when MCJnr was born. Kept driving to work and having no recollection of the journey due to tbe tiredness. Dug tbe old bike out the shed figuring I'd do less damage on a bike if I fell sleep on tbe journey in.

11 years, one more kid, 7 complete bikes, 2 frames later, it's turned out ok all round I think!

I was reasonably ambivalent about the whole fatherhood thing till cranbrat popped/was pulled out and then bonded instantly , possibly due to the fact I had to look after him for the first 15 mins or so while other issues were resolved.
A female colleague had no interest in her daughter for two weeks after birth .
First children represent a massive change in your life and are "relentless" a whole range of responses are normal including yours.
I am prepared to bet that over time your feelings will change especially as your child develops and starts to respond.
Very brave post by the way, congratulations and good luck.

I get the feeling the OP is a good person, because they addressed this issue. I have two girls, and I would presume the natural bond will come in time. I dont necessarily thinkit can be rushed or forced, a bit like trying to hard to get to sleep, when you know you are tired but just cant drop off. You cant force it, nature will tell you when the time is.
I really dont think the emotions he is going through are that unusual, I bet many felt like this, its total emotional turmoil, whos to say everyone gets affected the same way. As been said so many times, babies are demanding, exhausting and arent in a position to repay any of this effort with anything other than more demands, and despite this they actually have little individuality or personality to become attached to. As soon as they have (and it wont be long) some sort of uniqueness and identity then you'll be as besotted as anyone else. I felt a tiny bit of the indifference at the beginning with number 2, but it clicked in me very quickly and seems irrelevent now due to the amount of love, tears and laughs we have all shared. Dont force it and beat yourself up, rely on nature to take its course, But DO try and support your wife. You may think the damage you are doing is between the bond you have with your daughter, but consider the bond between you and your wife. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine

Personally i could not believe how I felt when I held my child in my arms for the first time it blew me away.I remember apologising to my mum when i next saw her I just did not realise

IME the first 12 - 18 months are hard as there is little to see in terms of personality or person you are just keeping it alive. Its better once you start seeing "them".

I think most of us struggled to adapt to it all tbh. Its bloody hardwork and not fantastically rewarding in the early days,

Chin up it will change

iolo - Member
OP,
You're feelings are fine.
You're probably not the father if you're not bonding.

What a bastard thing to say!

You're either way ahead of yourself or you might be experiencing PND. Yes it does happen to blokes as well. Either way, I don't think you're alone.
The single biggest understatement in the entire Cosmos is: "your life changes when you have kids".
It's impossible to fully encapsulate the extent of this. Our sprogs are 7 and 4, and we're only now beginning to get some semblance of our previous life back. Having said that, you still can't have a pooh in our house without being disturbed or interrupted.
My advice would be to stick with it and keep talking to your missus. It's going to get harder but stinky pants needs your help 24/7.....and so does the baby 🙂

good luck

You need to be more resilient.

Its the same for us all, its just a screaming bag of skin than needs to eat, sleep and *** for a few months.

We had 2 premature ones, my life was a cycle of supporting my wife with all the washing and cooking whilst she looked after the babies.

They will be engaging in a few months for now you just need to step up..

First one was completely unconditional love, even though she was very difficult for the 1st 2 weeks or so. It took longer to get there with number 2. Further down the line now, and I couldn't imagine anything less than equal, unconditional love for both of the little blighters!

It's hard at first. Real hard. It's not a golden rule, just my experinece, but the 1st 6 weeks were toughest. You learn, you get into routines, they become your life. It's turmoil at first. As the advert says, they don't come with a manual, you don't need a qualification. They arrive, they consume you totally. You don't get time to think!

It is difficult at times when the little ones are crying, not settling, not eating. They can't tell you why. You just take care of them. I remember walking number 1 around the streets, she was screaming when we left, she screamed all the way around, and was screaming when we got back. Easier to love them maybe when they are sound asleep, all babies are angels when they are asleep..!

For me, there is nothing finer in the world than lying on a sofa and having one of my babies asleep on my chest. Perfect. Just perfect. The best feeling in the world. Or a hug. Or for them to tell you that they love you.

But, hopefully, any difficult times are a blip in their and your lives. You will forget the bad stuff and only remember the good. Natures of way of getting you to have another...!

iolo - Member
OP,
You're feelings are fine.
You're probably not the father if you're not bonding.

What a bastard thing to say!

Jesus iolo. You posted about your own issues the other day so should we assume that comment is a product of your condition rather than a natural instinct to kick a man when he;s down?

Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting "I know what you think, * off, I hate you!" I know I shouldn't have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her "WHAT THE * DO YOU WANT FROM ME!".

Our daughter arrive on the 3rd October, you must be pretty much at the same stage as us. I too had to sit alone with 'it' in a blood covered room as the Mrs got wheeled in for surgery.

Last night was that EXACT scenario, but, on top of that a 3 year old wet his bed and was repeatedly woken up by the baby crying.

I totally, sympathise, more than that, I've been there, I sat in the car in the middle of the night but did turn around and go back in.

Have you ever been through a relationship breakup? You know that really low point when the world seems like it's pointless? It's like that, you now have the experience to know that the worst will pass. It WILL get better, we promise. 🙂

yep, sort of felt like that for the first few weeks with no2.

My wife had a really traumatic delivery - both mother and child nearly died (google 'ruptured uterus during delivery for more details)
this really messed with my head, and I think I was blaming the baby for almost taking my wife away.

4 years down the line and her + her older sister mean everything to me.
You'll get there - but talk to the wife, and maybe a councillor.

If I ever have a kid I'll be bearing in mind the words of advice a pal (who REALLY didn't want a kid) took from his pal (father of two, immensely stern and unemotional type) who said "for the first 6 months you're in the trenches. You feed them, change them, do everything for them with nil response. Then one day they'll smile at you and its all worth it ".

Seem to remember arguing all the time with mrs mogrim when number 1 was born: the lack of sleep, and the simple fact that newborns are crap.

Ugly, demanding, noisy, smelly, and couldn't care less about the hell you're going through. They do get better though, and the feeling of helplessness will wear off. I don't think I started to feel much for my daughter until she started smiling, before that I'd quite cheerfully have sent it back for a refund 🙂

And OP - you seem to already be aware of this but it sounds from your post that it's other people's expectations that are your main problem - rather than the experience itself.

Don't be afraid to tell the in-laws or whoever to back off if you feel they're crowding the three of you.

You can smooth things over later if it causes any fuss.

Relax. She'll be off to uni before you know it. 🙂

"for the first 6 months you're in the trenches. You feed them, change them, do everything for them with nil response. Then one day they'll smile at you and its all worth it ".

wow...that's pretty much spot on

And OP - you seem to already be aware of this but it sounds from your post that it's other people's expectations that are your main problem - rather than the experience itself.

Don't be afraid to tell the in-laws or whoever to back off if you feel they're crowding the three of you.

You can smooth things over later if it causes any fuss.

+1 if they are getting too involved then they need to back off and give the 3 of you some space...after our first one was born we went through the same from both mine and her side of the family...

From the first moment my son arrived I was very attached to him - Mum did most the boring stuff though. He certainly looked like me - had my hair(y shoulders) anyway.

I got to page 2, nodding with agreement and empathy at many of the comments.

This is a huge generalisation but I genuinely believe there is some truth in it:

Women want kids so they can be a mother. Men wants kids so they can be a child again

I felt pretty useless when our 3rd was born but everything changed when he went on the bottle. I then felt like I could truly share the responsibility and - for one reason or another - it was actually less stressful for the entire household.

If you want a practical tip to help with bonding and accepting the situation, strap her into a papoose on your chest and take a stroll with her...on your own. Babies love fresh air and peace too and this gives you an opportunity to enjoy her company without the other paraphernalia of life getting in the way.

Do talk to your wife and do try and arrange time away from being a parent...for both of you. This is hugely important.

I've not read through all of this, but as father of 3 I didn't 'bond' with any of them for a few months - felt like I was the baby-sitter until Mum could have them back. Now though, I've given up work and look after them pretty much full time. Miss them loads when I go away. like many others I suspect, they're at their most adorable when asleep.......

Concentrate on looking after Mum for now.

iolo - Member
OP

You're probably not the father if you're not bonding.

That's either a very poor joke or one of the most vile, spiteful things I've ever read on here. Like the OP doesn't have enough on his plate.

At the riskof going over the same ground: We have a 2,5 year old toddler and a 3 week old baby girl and the main thing that keeps me going when she needs changing at 3AM is that I know that soon enough we'll be seeing the personality shine through and from there on it just gets better and better.

The wee man is more fun now than I ever thought he'd be makes me laugh harder and more often than anyone or anything ever has.

Very brave of you to post on here and (with a few exceptions) I feel the response from STW (AKA Dadsnet) has been exemplary. You're not alone, you're not weird, keep talking to your missus, don't be afraid to ask for help and hang on, it gets so... much... better.

Men wants kids so they can be a child again

Yes, kids are essential if you want to be able to go on the soft play without getting a police record 🙂

It will pass. The problem with relatives is that they forget what a lot of work the first few months are - four years in and I've almost forgotten too. So they think it's just a bit of cleaning up and rocking to sleep, they forget the mind-numbing grind of it.

But it will end, and sooner than you think.

1. No
2. No - possibly a bit selfish in that it's not just about you...but you're just human...

+1 for above "...and this too will pass..."

I think management of expectations is the biggest thing. Sweamrs and I have a number of friends who have also had children (swejnr1 is 7 months). One of our friends had a "dream baby" (slept and was generally content); another of our friends had a colicky baby which was a complete eye opener. As such we went in to the experience generally expecting a bit of a war zone and we found ourselves somewhere between those two extremes. Other friends though have almost expected angels to be singing and have had a big shock when things aren't going well. To my friends who are expecting I think I've been brutally honest but I'd rather they came back to me in 6 months and told me it wasn't so bad then pretend it's anything other than a complete grind.

Grandparents (on both sides) can be a real pain as they do seem to have forgotten what it's like. I can remember by dad turning up after about a month (we're far enough away that they couldn't just pop in) and saying something along the lines of "you look exhausted, why don't you get some sleep" and I just said something very sarcastic and walked out the door.

In my (single) experience the first 3 months are awful; the next 3 months are merely terrible and then things start to improve drastically. At 7 months sweajnr1 smiles at me when I come home from work and does baby chuckles when I pretend to drop him. This is as opposed to the first 3 months when I was terrified of actually dropping him.

OP - a complete bastard would never have bothered to post. You posted because you care, it's just that you're overwhelmed by it all at the moment.

ransos on page 4 was spot on - when you're stressed, put baby down in her cot and walk away. Shut the door, have a brew and come back in 10 minutes. She'll come to no harm; the person who is more likely to break will be you. That ten minutes is a life saver.

The only advice (which you should ignore!) is don't take advice from anybody about childcare. Too much conflicting info. Do you're own thing and you won't go far wrong.

Good luck, keep us all posted.

Rich.

It will pass. The problem with relatives is that they forget what a lot of work the first few months are - four years in and I've almost forgotten too. So they think it's just a bit of cleaning up and rocking to sleep, they forget the mind-numbing grind of it.

If any of us remembered how much work a new-born is, we'd all have one child...then there's the women, who have to carry the thing round for 9 months, then spend several hours of agony pushing it out. The hormone changes must cause amnesia.

Hello OP!

Don't worry about it. All you ever hear from parents is how wonderful being a parent is, nobody ever admits that they aren't feeling it.

I know my partner didn't feel any bond with her daughter for quite a while when she was first born but they are fine now.

I also have no time for kids until they can communicate properly

There is something you can do that your wife can't, you don't smell of breast milk (or shouldn't!!) at this stage. If your daughter isn't hungry then having the milk bar turn up and begin to flow when she cries can be draining for both of them. At this point a manly shoulder can be brought into play for the youngster and you can settle her.

Best. Job. Ever.

^^ till she barfs white puky milk over your shoulder and down your back!

well done, OP... i'm surprised at how reasoned the responses have been (although there are at least two exceptions that i can think of).

not got kids and that's partly down to my fear of losing my independence and my #1 place in my list of people i prioritise the most (i'm very selfish with my time). however all the GFs mates who have kids seem to think i would be a great dad. :/

Well, you've lost a lot of freedom and pretty much gained an unpaid job, in fact you have to pay for the privilege. A lot! Your relationship with the wife will become more workmanlike and less intimate. You also have to start thinking about various risk taking and weighing up your responsibility with the trade off of living vicariously through your child hastening your own slow march to death.

Other than that having kids is great.

Father of three here!
IME babies=brilliant children=shits
changed me for the better, couldn't imagine life without them or not being able to have children. Talk to your wife.
DONT GOT TO WORK EARLY EVER!! 😆

Ours (x2) didn't interest me until they were about 6 months old, and started responding to me. I don't like babies (mrs. used to show me photos of people's babies, and I'd get a bollocking for saying - "yeah, it's a baby - they all look the same, so what?") I don't like puppies either (but I wouldn't kick one).

Ours both had their issues, and the first few months were just hell - me & the mrs effectively worked opposite shifts: She looked after during the day, and maybe got an hours kip on the sofa mid morning. I got in from (usually) a sh1t day at work and got to take over immediately while mrs went to bed. Did the bathing & getting them ready for bed & as soon as I could, made food for me & mrs. She woke up, ate, fed the baby (draught) & went back to bed while I wrangled the kid & tried to get them to sleep. I have never felt so low as when you think they've gone to sleep, only for them to start wailing as you creep away. I'd get to bed about 1am, and mrs would be awake with them from then. Back to work at 7am next day. Repeat.

After weeks of that, normal rules of civilised society go out of the window.

Someone posted about getting some 'quality time' with your mrs. (to be fair, they said that they hadn't been through this). Highly unlikely to happen - for a few months, at least.

People talk about it 'changing your life' and, of course, it does, but at the time I couldn't see that - I still had the same life, just that it had turned into some sort of sleep-deprived psychological torture.

One day drifts into the next, weeks pass, and you eventually start to get small victories - baby sleeping through the 3am feed is like winning 4 or 5 olympic gold medals.

For me, the tide had turned when they were about 6 months old. They start interacting in a meaningful way, and develop their own characters, and become adorable. Then they get cute (so you feel like having another one), then they get clumsy, then they get stroppy, then they turn into ace little people, then they get stroppy again, then they turn into real people, then they leave home! 🙁 (And you feel guilty for hoping that they have to resit their A levels, just so they're around for another year).

Like someone said above - you and your mrs are in the trenches now, so you need to support each other and get the job done. Heads down and plug away. Relatives (particularly female) can be a real PITA, especially the ones without kids who have an idealised view on the whole thing. Find your own way of doing things, and above all, find some sort of routine. One day you will look back on this and laugh.

Talk to your mrs, but the whole thing of not liking small babies is a bit of a taboo, so be careful of being honest with people in general - especially the inlaws! (You already know the expected platitudes 😉 )

Kudos for posting. Stick with it. Let us know how you feel in March.

Oops, sorry I appear to have found myself on mumsnet by mistake 😉

^^ till she barfs white puky milk over your shoulder and down your back!

ahh, I'd forgotten that little scenario! Top tip - always toss a muslin square over your shoulder before the baby.

Top tip - always toss a muslin square over your shoulder before the baby.

Topper tip - baby shouldn't be tossed over your shoulder.

To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.

As for my own experience, whilst there was never a question of bonding with the little guy, the first 5 months of mini Ox's life were the most stressful of my life. Sounds similar to your situation; screaming seemed to be the only method of communication, be it hunger, tiredness, wet nappy or whatever. The cure for us came one day when the wife was getting ready for a night out. Mini Ox was screaming right until the second the missus switched her hairdryer on, and then silence. We initially thought it was a shock reflex and the crying would resume, but no. Dunno if it was the white noise, the air movement on his face, or what, but the hairdryer stopped him dead in his tracks whenever it was on. We probably hairdryered him to sleep more often than not after that. I've told a new dad workmate about the hairdryer, and he confirms its efficacy.

my one giggled at me for the first time the other day - it was ace.

I posted a so called joke that really wasn't funny. My head was in a bad place and didn't realise how much in bad taste it was.
OP, I apologise for being a cock and hope you didn't take it the wrong way. No harm was meant.

When anagallis was born this huge wave of love I was supposed to feel didnt arrived. I was confused, tired and emotional. After about three or four months I suddenly realised I would happily jump under a bus for this kid. Let the dust settle, they dont do much for the first few months anyway.

It will be amazing. Honest. My second is nine weeks old, and last week she smiled at me for the first time. I was worried prior to her being born that I wouldn't feel the same love for her as I do for her big sister. I've realised that it isn't a question of sharing the love you have; more that you simply increase your capacity to do so.

OP I was the same. I think it was almost resentment (?) Loss of old life/sleep/didnt feel part of it?

It goes. Minesjust turned 4 and he doesnt stop making me laugh at his attempts to shock me 😀

Mine and mrsh' became distant/fought too much too. At first though I thought I'd had a loss of feeling - like a robot towards him.

3 kids in and for the most recent one who is now 18months I had a really hard time which led to issues with the missus too as she was getting worked up with my different character from the first two.

She was born unfortunately for me at a bad time (although not when we planned it, I just had the opportunity for a different career and couldn't turn it down as it would make all our lives better) and I litterally watched her pop out kissed the missus and went to work so absorbed in what I had to get done over the next 12months that I gave her no real thought which looking back does upset me somewhat, but I have the rest of her life to make up for it.

Do I think your a bastard or whatever? Well if you'd have posted this when I had just had the first or second then probably, but having gone through the above then not in the slightest. I'll echo what others have said, babies are pretty crap at first and it's in no way helped by the constant care you need to give, but when they begin developing they are ace.

Hope you get to a happy place, it's so worth it.

Feel for you OP, there was a fair amount of danger surrounding my sons birth... When I finally got to hold him, it was love at first sight.

Hard for me to imagine your position, hope it sorts itself out.