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I was a bit gutted when my daughter came out and she couldn't walk or talk. Then after a month or so she stated smiling so I forgave her.
You need to accept that your old life is over.
Not sure I agree with that. Obviously it's changed, but it's never over. You just have to try harder to do the things you did before the sprogs appeared. In fact in some respects I think it's more important than ever to continue to do the things you did pre-kids as otherwise you can end up resenting them which will result in no end of trouble.
OP, this sounds flippant, but get out on the bike and don't feel guilty about it, or go have a few pints with some mates. The normality of life previous to the baby, however fleeting, might make you feel a bit better.
Hopefully this is all helping out in some way OP. I think the upshot is do all the housework but in a manly way, support the missus but don't be cloying, man up but don't be too macho, take responsibility but don't cut out your partner, look after the baby as required but don't hog the limelight, talk and communicate but don't talk too much, be selfless but strong,
and a partridge in a pear tree.
- Welcome to fatherhood you poor bastard! You'll do ok, you seem to want to get it right and that's enough I reckon.
Well done STW. 3 pages of advice in just over an hour.
Not much to add that hasn't already been said.
The first few months are tough for a dad, you give, give, give and all you get is shit, vomit and screaming in return.
It does get better, once they can move they are great fun but newborns still do nothing for me.
My way of dealing with it was to go to work - I worked shit-loads of overtime in the first year. This actually really helped my wife, as the extra money took the pressure off her to go back to work. My little lad never got palmed off on all and sundry as a result and settled really well at home.
He's now officially awesome!
Stick with it.
haven't read the whole thread so apologies if going over old ground, but yes I felt similar, not exactly the same, but similar. You are made to feel guilty if you don't feel the love bombs going off immediately, but don't sweat it, it will come in time.
No, you read it as a token gesture. Big difference.
House work is "little things" and when you start seeing things like running the hoover round and putting the washing on/out as a big thing then it turns into a big thing.
Cups of tea, fluffy cushions (:p) run the bath, wearing the sling and carrying bub round for an hour while she chills...
Those times when you can lie on the sofa and the bub is lying on your chest are great bonding moments. Especially when they sleep on you.
First child, he will click eventually and things will sort themselves.
@dazh I didn't say his life was over but his old life is or should be. Family should now come first and yes you still have your own little life but it has to fit in. I've no time at all for selfish fathers who want to carry on as if nothing has happened.
Oh yeah Gina Ford - Her techniques saved us so much hassle and got us sleeping again.
OP, if my friends' experiences are anything to go by, your feelings are common. When my best friend gave birth, she didn't really feel anything for her daughter for six months. She went through the motions, took good care of her, but was terrified that she didn't feel a massive bond straight away. She thought something was wrong with her. Then suddenly - click. A chap at work was similar, it wasn't until several months later that he started to 'feel like a dad'.
It's not universal though - I know both fathers and mothers who have been blissfully happy from the second they popped out a sprog. I don't know how much 'detachment' is caused by depression, or the shock of the change, or being a bit ambivalent about wanting kids in the first place.
Well done STW. 3 pages of advice in just over an hour.
No way the poor bugger has time to read all that. Not when there's cushions that need fluffing. 🙂
Haven't read three pages, but:
I think part of the problem for blokes is that we're not so prepared - we can watch the other half getting larger and larger, but that's different to actually feeling the thing growing inside you. So mothers are sort-of ready for this living thing to appear, fathers are suddenly handed this small useless baby and told "here, this will be your life from now on".
It was certainly a shock for me. Even leaving the hospital after a few days was still a surprise - they're actually letting us leave the building and we'll be totally responsible.
Men have another disadvantage - we don't have breasts. We'll always have to hand the thing over to the mother for feeding and comforting, which does definitely make you feel like a spare part.
So no, it's not unusual to not bond with the thing right away. Oh, and we still call ours "the thing" quite often, and she's four 😉
Whether you're a total bastard or not doesn't depend on how you interact with the baby - it depends on how you interact with your wife. She's probably feeling at least as emotionally affected as you are (probably more so) and also has lots of physical things to deal with, plus she has no-one to hand the baby off to the way you do.
Your job for the moment is to support her.
Oh, and it does definitely get a lot better and easier - the first months and year or two are difficult, but things change amazingly quickly. I've got t-shirts that are older than my daughter, yet she's already dressing herself, reading books, making friends at nursery, and a world-class expert on unicorns.
Some good honest advice, so I have little to add. BUT...
I would say that if your negative feelings don't start to lift after your and your wife's sex life begins to return to 'normal', and the baby ages a bit, then it might be worth talking to a counselor.
NOT because you are a bad person, but because counselors see this kind of thing all of the time, and they really can help unpack some of the feelings so that they don't get overwhelming or destructive.
Best of luck.
No, you read it as a token gesture.
I can only read what you write 🙂
Men have another disadvantage - we don't have breasts.
Speak for yourself...
bencooper - MemberMen have another disadvantage - we don't have breasts.
You haven't met my dad.
I think the majority of us are in the same boat, it's just a different point in time that the bond develops. For some it's the experience of child birth, and it's an instant bond. For some the first time it grips your finger. For me it was when he first spoke. When he called me Dada whilst looking at me he ceased being a baby and became a person I had a connection with.
I found focusing my effort on my wife was key in the first 6 months. I didn't feel that much of a bond to my son, as someone up there say's it was like maintaining a really crap car! So I made tea, did the hoovering etc. She breastfed, so I was pretty useless, but every time she got up to feed him I'd go downstairs and make her a brew/toast/glass of water and sit and chat with her.
You haven't met my dad.
😀
Babies are shite. That's some kind of fact.
I didn't bond with aa v2. But now she's almost 3 and she's GREAT.
Its a tough time for everyone, baby is in the cold hard world, parents dealing with a new thing that has changed their (selfish) lives forever.
Tiredness, stress and everything else that still needs attending to drags you down. It did me anyway.
Before you know it though, junior will be riding bikes off road, doing high fives and making you smile and laugh in ways you never knew possible.
You need to accept that your old life is over.
not quite true...you just have to make certain readjustments and just not do certain things as often
i find that if i'm going for a ride or spending time away from the kids, i do all the jobs with the kids beforehand such as feeding them, getting them dressed etc...that way the wife gets a bit of a rest. when i return i do the same (feeding, bathing, dressing, putting to sleep etc) its my way of making up for the time i spend away from them...and it keeps me in the good books with mrs gonzy 😆
Friend and his wife had a baby last year. He struggled for first three months, lots of hard work and no close bond. However, a year on he reckons it's the best thing ever.
Not reading all the replies, but have you tried skin-to-skin contact?
Have a read up on it, highly recommended!
+1 on the small babies are dull stuff too
Got to agree with various posters here.
From an objective standpoint babies suck. There's no doubt about it. However they soon grow into kids, and whilst other people's kids generally still suck, your own kids are nearly always excellent.
I thoroughly disliked the baby stage. Very little reward and lots of unpleasantness. I Love having kids now though and there the most important thing in my life etc etc.
So far, and I don't mean to be critical, it's all about you. The collective want to reassure you, but not much has been said of how your wife might be feeling right now.. It's hard, and there's no instruction manual despite the best efforts of the mumsnet thing, and as others have said, social expectations.
You can't be expected to just fall into the groove of perfect fatherhood, whatever the hell that is, but trust me, you will find your level.
Right now thing about your family. Your peace and quiet and freedom are currently on the backburner, as are your riding plans, career plans, drinking/playing plans and everything else. You have a new priority and a new major responsibility. You've realized there's no going back, but you've got to adjust. They aren't over though, so don't grieve and mourn for lost pleasures and freedoms, it's just a temporary blip. Life will not return to how it was, it can't, but the new person sharing your life will enrich it beyond any imaginings you can muster.
Right now that newborn doesn't really need you. Not directly. You can't offer food, or much else apart from the nappies and bathing, but at the end of the day it isn't the baby that needs help with those. Mum will also be stressed, and without putting too fine a point on it she's going to be fretting about your reactions. She's going to be tired and nervous about all that she's got to do.
You need to talk to her and reassure her that you do care (you wouldn't have posted on here if you didn't) but she also needs to know that part of what happened when you dumped your daughter on her in the early hours is down to your anxieties and fear that you're getting it wrong. You aren't. You aren't your daughter's mother, and right now your job is to provide the support mum needs to get her bit right, without worrying about housework or cooking or shopping, or emptying the cat tray or whatever else you can do to a) take the pressure off her and b) prove to yourself that you have an important role to play that you can do something about. It doesn't take bonding seratonins to plug in the vac and make a spag bol!
Bonding will come, it just takes time. It took me a week or two to get used to the idea that my world was now standing on its head, but trust me, the view from there (here) became better and better. Right now you are worrying that you're getting it wrong, You aren't, but your wife needs to know, right now, that you haven't abandoned them, and more importantly, that you don't resent the new situation. You will take time to get over today, but look on it as your chance to make an agreement to fluff the cushions and look after your wife until it all settles down.
Babies are very labour intensive, they can do nothing for themselves but cry, crap and feed.
The first thing you get back is a smile, usually around six weeks from my experience, which for me was the best feeling, like their saying, hey, I can't do much, but thanks and it just gets better from there.
When a sprog turns up you don't realize, but the focus changes, previously you were probably the most important thing in the world to your OH and vice versa. But now this new little person has turned up, and it's has changed. When people come around to see the baby, its all about her and your wife and how tiring it all is, and how tough feeding is, and Dad just helps out a bit and goes to work, but you can (I seem to remember I did, especially with my first) feel a bit sidelined.
Parenthood is challenging all the way through, you are at the purely physical put it all in get nothing out stage, as they grow, and my god it goes quickly, the challenges become more mental than physical but definitely more fun as they become more communicative and you can do stuff together.
Tell your OH how you are feeling, before you start to damage your relationship by bottling up and having to disappear in the middle of the night again.
Good Luck
I've no time at all for selfish fathers who want to carry on as if nothing has happened.
Without wanting to sully a so far very constructive and sensible thread with disagreement, this is the sort of attitude which kind of gets my goat. There's nothing selfish about wanting to retain an element of continuity and normality in the chaos and upheaval that ensues when a new baby arrives. Having a new baby is hard in all sorts of ways. It makes it much harder if you're made to feel guilty for wanting to do some simple normal things which are part of who you are.
There's nothing selfish about wanting to retain an element of continuity and normality
That's not what he said though. Keep doing the things you like, that's fine, but don't ignore the issue entirely. Otherwise, if you're out riding or down the pub all the time, your partner has to do ALL the baby looking after work. And that's not fair. I think that's what he's talking about.
Otherwise, if you're out riding or down the pub all the time, your partner has to do ALL the baby looking after work. And that's not fair.
And I'm not disagreeing with any of that, so we're all in agreement. </argument>
1) not totally, but I was nervous about the change and generally stressed out. My tired, hormonal and stressed out wife and the rest of society in general did put a lot of pressure on me to think this was the best thing in the world ever - which I did genuinely feel, but just not that it was the ONLY thing in the world ever, so I kind of understand where you're coming from.
2) not at all, it sounds like you're stressed out with various things and amongst other things, having kids is stressful.
Make sure you're not trying too hard and you're clearly feeling bad about not really being super keen on the baby, hopefully you'll start to appreciate the baby soon, but also do talk to someone - maybe the wife if you think she will understand, maybe someone else if you think that'd be better.
Are you putting too much pressure on yourself to help out? I assume your wife is on maternity leave while you are back at work? Remember you don't have to be doing all the night feeds etc. just cos you're at work during the day. Your state of mind is as important as your wife's. I got a lot of stick from my mum when I stopped getting up in the middle of the night with my wife during feeds, but she was breast feeding, didn't express, I had to go to work etc. and I was just really there for moral support in the middle of the night. Things are much better between us second time round where I go to work, she looks after kids, and I give her time off in the evenings and weekends wherever possible so she can rest and relax rather than both of us getting to the weekends totally shattered.
In a couple of years, that bundle of annoyance will be much more fun and will say and do some very funny (and, if by that point you're into it, cute) things.
jonm81
I don't think you are the world's biggest bastard, I feel for you that you are having these difficulties you are only human.
Can I also thank you though for reminding me once again why I should never ever have kids or bring a 'Earth destroyer' into the world for it to only get depressed and damage the planet like the rest of the human race.
I would only consider adoption but I don't think I would be the best parent anyway.
Well that was helpful...
"Earth destroyer" ffs - top yourself now then to preserve the rest of us.
I got a lot of stick from my mum
I'm afraid this will never change. My kids are 10 and 7 and I still get dirty looks and abuse from my mum when I go for a bike ride or go down the pub for a couple of pints. But then again my mum comes from the 'Men are domestic slaves who should spend every waking hour going to work, doing DIY, Gardening etc' school of thought.
Has she woken herself up farting yet?
Being a spare part for the first few weeks meant I actually got out on the bike and boards more than I expected. I think I was mostly in the way other than for making tea/meals for my wife. However there was an expectation on her family's part that I was meant to be all emotional and coo'ing which isn't really me and so added a fair bit of stress to the whole situation. That really doesn't help when it feels like people are watching you to check your reactions.
Some days I think us singletrackers are the biggest bunch of pretentious arseholes on the planet, and then we create a great thread of genuine warmth and advice like this.
I need a hug.....
tinybits - Member
Well that was helpful..."Earth destroyer" ffs - top yourself now then to preserve the rest of us.
Too busy living my life to top myself.
If I could find no purpose in that then the logical thing would be to top myself though that might cause some distress to those left behind. Saying that I would be dead so I wouldn't have to live with that decision.
EDIT - I do genuinely hope it works out for the OP
I need a hug.....
You're not the only one.
I felt exactly the same for about the first year of parenthood and it's a bit of a taboo it seems. People chucked phrases about like "Ahh, it's so precious, enjoy every minute". I'd lost my social life, freedom, sleep, cash and time with my wife to a screaming little bundle of helplessness and responsibility and I couldn't see what was enjoyable at all, let alone for every minute. My Mrs felt the same.
I worked late to get peace and quiet, more than a few nights I fantasised about packing my van and buggering off to the Alps - wasn't going to happen but I felt like I was in mourning for my old carefree life. For us having a kid was a life changing decision after 20 years with my Mrs and good times, racing bikes round the country, jetting off to the Alps to ski, nights out, work travel.
2 years on, the little guy is absolutely brilliant, make me laugh almost every day and I'm really looking forward to having a proper conversation with him, being a Dad as well as a mate to my little buddy. He's currently into copying everything I do, like helping wash the bikes or do jobs, and dishes out high fives and fist bumps! I miss him like crazy even when at work. I still feel the burden and stress but sure that won't go away but the fun times are increasing.
Thanks for all the comments both good and pointed. It is reassuring to know that whilst I may be at the extreme end of the spectrum others have had similar feelings.
Apart from last night I am supporting my wife as best I can. After work I do all the cooking and cleaning (even my wife cannot tolerate the taste of food she cooks!) As we are bottle feeding we take turn about looking after the kid on alternate nights (feeding, changing, bathing etc) and if it is my wife's turn at night I get up early so she can get about 4 hrs sleep in the morning before I go to work. I really can not do more while still earning a living.
Part of the issue, I think, is that I wasn't convinced on having children and both our families have spent the last 9 months telling me how I will feel after she was born. I feel guilty for not having the expected feelings towards her and even more so for the pressure of lying to family (particularly the in-laws) so as to avoid their wrath.
I had to look after our daughter for the first 1.5hrs after she was born as my wife needed surgery and I cannot help but think this has affected my feelings for her as all I could think at the time was "look what you have caused" and "I do not know what I would do if anything happens to my wife". I know that is wrong but I was frightened of loosing my wife. Now it is like the kid knows my feelings and hates me for it.
Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting "I know what you think, **** off, I hate you!" I know I shouldn't have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her "WHAT THE **** DO YOU WANT FROM ME!". To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.
Thanks for all the advice and I will definitely be talking it through with my wife this evening and apologising profusely for running away.
However there was an expectation on her family's part that I was meant to be all emotional and coo'ing which isn't really me and so added a fair bit of stress to the whole situation.
I still get this from my own family. My mum once even accused me of not loving my kids because I wasn't doing all that 'ooh look at the cute baby' stuff. It was even worse when my brother had a kid and I was expected to be like that with his baby as well as some sort of 'super uncle'. It didn't go down too well when I once remarked 'it's a baby, not a cuddly toy'.
No experience of the baby thing, but don't put things off until tonight. Phone her to clear the air, arrange to go home early and spend some quality time together.
Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting "I know what you think, * off, I hate you!" I know I shouldn't have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her "WHAT THE * DO YOU WANT FROM ME!". To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.
Mate, you're doing OK, by that description. That's the kind of noise they play non-stop in Guantanamo Bay to crack the detainees. That, and Sheena Easton tracks. 🙂
One of the crappy things about becoming a dad is that suddenly you become almost insignificant. All of the attention is to you wife and child. It sounds selfish to even mention it but it is a real issue.
we have three kids and I do not recall ever being asked by a midwife, health visitor, GP, friend or relative how I was.
We are all human and even Dads have feelings.
Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.
100% perfectly normal and happening right now in houses all over the world.
Totally normal OP.
I have three daughters and most definitely am not a "baby person". Mostly just relieved that they where out OK and mother and kids healthy but aside from that feelings where quite middle of the road. However, my kids have been the best thing in my life for the past 20 odd years, for me it just got better and better as they grew and become little, middle sized and then grown up people. A lot of it isn't easy but I can say being the father of the bride last year for my first was a quite extra-ordinarily positive experience, I can't wait for the other two.
Having a baby might be like a winter ride in the wind and rain, kind of enjoyable but better things are to come, like the Spring and Summer !
I can't add anything that hasn't already been said, but will just add another "+1" on the early feelings of ambivalence. Mine was born in January and it's only really now, nine months later, that it's changing. The smile when they recognise you and are pleased to see you. That's what does it.
I've not got any kids. But the last 5 social events in the past few weeks have had babies, toddlers and young kids attending. I'm 26 with zero interest in having any of my own.
I've found that before 6months, I've got zero interest. 6-12months, mild interest from me for 5-10 minutes. Over a year old and able to interact, heaps of fun and I enjoy their company.
What i got from it is that it could be very tough to be a father of a newborn/young baby. I'd want to help and feel part of it, but depending on the circumstances (e.g. diet restrictions) it can be difficult. From chatting with the various fathers, they all said the situation becomes easier with time. Whether that's down to attrition, personal growth or sleep deprivation, i've no idea!
Best of luck OP.
OP,
You're feelings are fine.
You're probably not the father if you're not bonding.
I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.
better that than something you regret for a very very long time.
[i]
iolo - Member
OP,
You're feelings are fine.
You're probably not the father if you're not bonding.[/i]
WTF? Kick a man whilst he's down why don't you...
If it was humour, it didn't come across...
molgrips - MemberThat's not what he said though. Keep doing the things you like, that's fine, but don't ignore the issue entirely. Otherwise, if you're out riding or down the pub all the time, your partner has to do ALL the baby looking after work. And that's not fair. I think that's what he's talking about.
That's exactly what I was trying to get across. I thought I had but maybe it got lost in my poor sentence structure. I'm not aiming that at the OP by the way, just a few odd balls who frequent some pubs I now get to go to as my kids are self sufficient at last
I haven't read all that, but the first five months of my sons life it all just felt like a chore, I felt responsible, but not really love. He is almost four now and I don't feel I could love him any more. He has a brother or sister on the way now and I do worry the begining will be like last time.
Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting "I know what you think, * off, I hate you!" I know I shouldn't have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her "WHAT THE * DO YOU WANT FROM ME!". To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife. I had nothing left to give and had to get out for a while.
Mate, I remember my two screaming like Devils at the beginning no matter what I did! I got tired at one point that I fell asleep standing up on the bus. 🙂 this early period is tough, they want the thing that carried them for 9 months over anything else and that's just how it is. But it is just a period and it does change and it will settle down.
To add insult to injury she stopped the second she was with my wife
Totally normal. Still happens to me sometimes with my 18mth old girl.
I'm sure you feel different in a few months...you can't beat a koala cuddle from your baby.
Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs.
They all do that! If you're reaching the end of your tether, nothing bad is going to happen if you leave her for 5 minutes and go and make a brew. I know it's difficult but try to stay calm.
Oh and well done for supporting your wife so much around the house. She may not have thanked you but she will be appreciating it.
You mention you take alternate night doing things....can't you do some of this together (or alternate activities through the night)...that way baby still knows mums around.
No kids here, but hats off to all of you who go through this.
I hear you loud and clear I have three daughters I fully understand newborns are demanding and turn your world upside down you need to find some structure within that for time for you and your wife,it's never easy people hardly ever talk about the times when your at the end of your tether ...but it doesn't last forever things change life changes you change it will get better not much help just now but it will pass stay strong ...and try and get some kip
Part of the issue, I think, is that I wasn't convinced on having children
Why was that? Not the right time? Not the right woman? Just don't like babies/children?
It might help to answer those questions honestly to see if there is a root cause to your resentment.
Babies are a massive stress for sure, we have 2 young daughters, but I can't say I felt like you do when our first was born. I certainly had moments where I wanted some space for myself (still do 5 years on) but I certainly did love both our daughters from the very start. I wasn't convinced at all about having a second child, but still loved her when she arrived.
I guess we are all different and react in different ways to massive change - which babies certainly are!
It's funny OP but you'll find you as a parent are different things to your kid,
Me, I'm the fun, happy, cycle, football, guy, who spoils him a bit too much and lets him get away with stuff.
The wife is the homework, making things, reading and watching Strictly with him....
Sometimes I'm his world... sometimes his mum is... When he's poorly, I barely exist... but then there's times where she shouts at me as he won't leave my side...
It's weird how they work
If it helps, I started riding when MCJnr was born. Kept driving to work and having no recollection of the journey due to tbe tiredness. Dug tbe old bike out the shed figuring I'd do less damage on a bike if I fell sleep on tbe journey in.
11 years, one more kid, 7 complete bikes, 2 frames later, it's turned out ok all round I think!
I was reasonably ambivalent about the whole fatherhood thing till cranbrat popped/was pulled out and then bonded instantly , possibly due to the fact I had to look after him for the first 15 mins or so while other issues were resolved.
A female colleague had no interest in her daughter for two weeks after birth .
First children represent a massive change in your life and are "relentless" a whole range of responses are normal including yours.
I am prepared to bet that over time your feelings will change especially as your child develops and starts to respond.
Very brave post by the way, congratulations and good luck.
I get the feeling the OP is a good person, because they addressed this issue. I have two girls, and I would presume the natural bond will come in time. I dont necessarily thinkit can be rushed or forced, a bit like trying to hard to get to sleep, when you know you are tired but just cant drop off. You cant force it, nature will tell you when the time is.
I really dont think the emotions he is going through are that unusual, I bet many felt like this, its total emotional turmoil, whos to say everyone gets affected the same way. As been said so many times, babies are demanding, exhausting and arent in a position to repay any of this effort with anything other than more demands, and despite this they actually have little individuality or personality to become attached to. As soon as they have (and it wont be long) some sort of uniqueness and identity then you'll be as besotted as anyone else. I felt a tiny bit of the indifference at the beginning with number 2, but it clicked in me very quickly and seems irrelevent now due to the amount of love, tears and laughs we have all shared. Dont force it and beat yourself up, rely on nature to take its course, But DO try and support your wife. You may think the damage you are doing is between the bond you have with your daughter, but consider the bond between you and your wife. Good luck, I'm sure you'll be fine
Personally i could not believe how I felt when I held my child in my arms for the first time it blew me away.I remember apologising to my mum when i next saw her I just did not realise
IME the first 12 - 18 months are hard as there is little to see in terms of personality or person you are just keeping it alive. Its better once you start seeing "them".
I think most of us struggled to adapt to it all tbh. Its bloody hardwork and not fantastically rewarding in the early days,
Chin up it will change
iolo - Member
OP,
You're feelings are fine.
You're probably not the father if you're not bonding.
What a bastard thing to say!
You're either way ahead of yourself or you might be experiencing PND. Yes it does happen to blokes as well. Either way, I don't think you're alone.
The single biggest understatement in the entire Cosmos is: "your life changes when you have kids".
It's impossible to fully encapsulate the extent of this. Our sprogs are 7 and 4, and we're only now beginning to get some semblance of our previous life back. Having said that, you still can't have a pooh in our house without being disturbed or interrupted.
My advice would be to stick with it and keep talking to your missus. It's going to get harder but stinky pants needs your help 24/7.....and so does the baby 🙂
good luck
You need to be more resilient.
Its the same for us all, its just a screaming bag of skin than needs to eat, sleep and *** for a few months.
We had 2 premature ones, my life was a cycle of supporting my wife with all the washing and cooking whilst she looked after the babies.
They will be engaging in a few months for now you just need to step up..
First one was completely unconditional love, even though she was very difficult for the 1st 2 weeks or so. It took longer to get there with number 2. Further down the line now, and I couldn't imagine anything less than equal, unconditional love for both of the little blighters!
It's hard at first. Real hard. It's not a golden rule, just my experinece, but the 1st 6 weeks were toughest. You learn, you get into routines, they become your life. It's turmoil at first. As the advert says, they don't come with a manual, you don't need a qualification. They arrive, they consume you totally. You don't get time to think!
It is difficult at times when the little ones are crying, not settling, not eating. They can't tell you why. You just take care of them. I remember walking number 1 around the streets, she was screaming when we left, she screamed all the way around, and was screaming when we got back. Easier to love them maybe when they are sound asleep, all babies are angels when they are asleep..!
For me, there is nothing finer in the world than lying on a sofa and having one of my babies asleep on my chest. Perfect. Just perfect. The best feeling in the world. Or a hug. Or for them to tell you that they love you.
But, hopefully, any difficult times are a blip in their and your lives. You will forget the bad stuff and only remember the good. Natures of way of getting you to have another...!
iolo - Member
OP,
You're feelings are fine.
You're probably not the father if you're not bonding.What a bastard thing to say!
Jesus iolo. You posted about your own issues the other day so should we assume that comment is a product of your condition rather than a natural instinct to kick a man when he;s down?
Last night was the worst and she screamed when she was fed, screamed when she was winded, screamed when I changed her nappy, screamed when I tried to comfort her, screamed when I talked to her, screamed when I put her down, screamed when I picked her up. This went on for about 4 hrs. It felt like she was just shouting "I know what you think, * off, I hate you!" I know I shouldn't have left but I was at the stage of screaming back at her "WHAT THE * DO YOU WANT FROM ME!".
Our daughter arrive on the 3rd October, you must be pretty much at the same stage as us. I too had to sit alone with 'it' in a blood covered room as the Mrs got wheeled in for surgery.
Last night was that EXACT scenario, but, on top of that a 3 year old wet his bed and was repeatedly woken up by the baby crying.
I totally, sympathise, more than that, I've been there, I sat in the car in the middle of the night but did turn around and go back in.
Have you ever been through a relationship breakup? You know that really low point when the world seems like it's pointless? It's like that, you now have the experience to know that the worst will pass. It WILL get better, we promise. 🙂
yep, sort of felt like that for the first few weeks with no2.
My wife had a really traumatic delivery - both mother and child nearly died (google 'ruptured uterus during delivery for more details)
this really messed with my head, and I think I was blaming the baby for almost taking my wife away.
4 years down the line and her + her older sister mean everything to me.
You'll get there - but talk to the wife, and maybe a councillor.
If I ever have a kid I'll be bearing in mind the words of advice a pal (who REALLY didn't want a kid) took from his pal (father of two, immensely stern and unemotional type) who said "for the first 6 months you're in the trenches. You feed them, change them, do everything for them with nil response. Then one day they'll smile at you and its all worth it ".
Seem to remember arguing all the time with mrs mogrim when number 1 was born: the lack of sleep, and the simple fact that newborns are crap.
Ugly, demanding, noisy, smelly, and couldn't care less about the hell you're going through. They do get better though, and the feeling of helplessness will wear off. I don't think I started to feel much for my daughter until she started smiling, before that I'd quite cheerfully have sent it back for a refund 🙂
And OP - you seem to already be aware of this but it sounds from your post that it's other people's expectations that are your main problem - rather than the experience itself.
Don't be afraid to tell the in-laws or whoever to back off if you feel they're crowding the three of you.
You can smooth things over later if it causes any fuss.
Relax. She'll be off to uni before you know it. 🙂
"for the first 6 months you're in the trenches. You feed them, change them, do everything for them with nil response. Then one day they'll smile at you and its all worth it ".
wow...that's pretty much spot on
And OP - you seem to already be aware of this but it sounds from your post that it's other people's expectations that are your main problem - rather than the experience itself.Don't be afraid to tell the in-laws or whoever to back off if you feel they're crowding the three of you.
You can smooth things over later if it causes any fuss.
+1 if they are getting too involved then they need to back off and give the 3 of you some space...after our first one was born we went through the same from both mine and her side of the family...
From the first moment my son arrived I was very attached to him - Mum did most the boring stuff though. He certainly looked like me - had my hair(y shoulders) anyway.
I got to page 2, nodding with agreement and empathy at many of the comments.
This is a huge generalisation but I genuinely believe there is some truth in it:
Women want kids so they can be a mother. Men wants kids so they can be a child again
I felt pretty useless when our 3rd was born but everything changed when he went on the bottle. I then felt like I could truly share the responsibility and - for one reason or another - it was actually less stressful for the entire household.
If you want a practical tip to help with bonding and accepting the situation, strap her into a papoose on your chest and take a stroll with her...on your own. Babies love fresh air and peace too and this gives you an opportunity to enjoy her company without the other paraphernalia of life getting in the way.
Do talk to your wife and do try and arrange time away from being a parent...for both of you. This is hugely important.
I've not read through all of this, but as father of 3 I didn't 'bond' with any of them for a few months - felt like I was the baby-sitter until Mum could have them back. Now though, I've given up work and look after them pretty much full time. Miss them loads when I go away. like many others I suspect, they're at their most adorable when asleep.......
Concentrate on looking after Mum for now.
iolo - Member
OPYou're probably not the father if you're not bonding.
That's either a very poor joke or one of the most vile, spiteful things I've ever read on here. Like the OP doesn't have enough on his plate.
At the riskof going over the same ground: We have a 2,5 year old toddler and a 3 week old baby girl and the main thing that keeps me going when she needs changing at 3AM is that I know that soon enough we'll be seeing the personality shine through and from there on it just gets better and better.
The wee man is more fun now than I ever thought he'd be makes me laugh harder and more often than anyone or anything ever has.
Very brave of you to post on here and (with a few exceptions) I feel the response from STW (AKA Dadsnet) has been exemplary. You're not alone, you're not weird, keep talking to your missus, don't be afraid to ask for help and hang on, it gets so... much... better.
Men wants kids so they can be a child again
Yes, kids are essential if you want to be able to go on the soft play without getting a police record 🙂
It will pass. The problem with relatives is that they forget what a lot of work the first few months are - four years in and I've almost forgotten too. So they think it's just a bit of cleaning up and rocking to sleep, they forget the mind-numbing grind of it.
But it will end, and sooner than you think.
1. No
2. No - possibly a bit selfish in that it's not just about you...but you're just human...
+1 for above "...and this too will pass..."
