he’s got a monthly surplus that many on this forum would kill for
If that was an overall monthly pay then many would kill for it, but
The £££ values don’t matter.
That is phenomenally selfish and unthinking.
How? He can't make himself enjoy wasting money on takeaways...or enjoy the takeaway.
Swap this round for a minute and say instead he detests (no medical reason) spicy food but his wife likes it so whenever his wife or whoever orders a spicy takeaway he doesn't want to eat the spicy food.
He can be happy she enjoys it but lying and pretending he enjoys the actual food (on a regular basis) seems a bit extreme.
It's no different than a vegan eating meat and saying how they enjoy it to keep someone happy.
You can tell a vegan meat is YUMMY... but you can't reasonably expect them to enjoy eating something they find distasteful in principle.
Interesting thread.
I've got family members & mates that are financially secure but very very careful with their money, to a point where they generally miss out on life's experiences. No restaurants, no takeaways, no days out unless it is free parking or they can walk to the destination, weekends away are planned around cost rather than experiences etc. and when it's time for a social event like a bbq or meal together they always bring/order the absolute minimum and thriftiest produce they can find. They put a 'cost to value' ratio on everything that they do or want to such a degree it has now become the default setting not to do something, as the cost will never represent 'value' in their eyes.
What I have noticed with their value driven lifestyle is that others around them have to adjust and limit their (our) expectations and experiences when we meet up and this can become a bit tiresome after a while. Their partners and children also have to limit what they can or can't do so they don't upset their thrifty family members and this can sometimes cause resentment. Being thrifty is a personal choice but one has to be very careful not to impose our own values on those around us.
I often wonder if my thrifty associates will ever regret being so thrifty when they're too old or ill to actually do anything.... Will they be able to joyfully reflect upon their wonderfully experienced life? Or will they just simply enjoy the fact that they have amassed a considerable amount of money in their portfolio or bank account and gaze at that wealth until they quietly slip away.....
BTW, I'm a spender and not a saver.
He can’t make himself enjoy wasting money on takeaways…or enjoy the takeaway.
He doesn't need to eat it.
he detests (no medical reason) spicy food but his wife likes it so whenever his wife or whoever orders a spicy takeaway he doesn’t want to eat the spicy food.
He doesn't need to eat it.
He can be happy she enjoys it but lying and pretending he enjoys the actual food (on a regular basis) seems a bit extreme.
He doesn't need to eat it.
You can tell a vegan meat is YUMMY… but you can’t reasonably expect them to enjoy eating something they find distasteful in principle.
He doesn't need to eat it.
He does, probably, need to stop preventing others from enjoying what they might like to eat.
How? He can’t make himself enjoy wasting money on takeaways…or enjoy the takeaway.
Because having a takeaway as a treat with your lovely wife can be so much more than just eating food. It can actually be social event where not having to prepare food or have lots of clearing up means you can spend quality time together, maybe enjoy a decent bottle of wine afterwards and make an entire evening of it.
idlejon
The fact that his wife won’t do it, as tootight says, suggests that his behaviour is not normal in this respect. For most people getting a takeaway for some of the family but not all is normal behaviour but tootight’s values are restricting how his whole family behaves.
I'd say there is a perhaps a problem in society if most people think getting a takeaway more than a handful of times a year is normal behaviour. (or people buying £5 coffee's etc.)
It might also be worth asking if other items are treated the same way? Is a spontaneous ice-cream on the way back from the beach seen as poor value and avoided, for example? (This example may not work if you don’t spend half your life on the beach! 😀 )
Surely that depends what you mean by spontaneous ?
Is walking an extra 50 yards past the over priced cafe to a tesco or co-op less spontaneous?
Does the take-away represent many other items that his wife won’t ask for because of tootight’s behaviour?
It's not his behaviour per-se it's what he values and doesn't value and what makes him uncomfortable.
Lets say Mrs tooright likes flowery flamingo bikini's but Mr tootight likes plain board shorts and feels pretty selfconscious in speedo's.
There is surely enough play that Mr tootight shouldn't be expected to wear matching flamingo speedo's yet she is free to buy and wear her flowery flamingo ?
Lets say Mrs tooright likes flowery flamingo bikini’s but Mr tootight likes plain board shorts and feels pretty selfconscious in speedo’s.
There is surely enough play that Mr tootight shouldn’t be expected to wear matching flamingo speedo’s yet she is free to buy and wear her flowery flamingo ?
The point being made is that Mr T disapproves of Mrs T buying the bikini and so she doesn't buy it, at least not when he's around. His behaviour is controlling what she does. Nothing at all to do with her expecting him to do something, or wear something, or eat something. You've got it arse backwards. (Which isn't the way bikinis should be worn. They chafe!)
Mrs Tootight to Mr Tootight a moment ago...
What do the internet folks on singleblokeworld have to say about the takeaway thingy?
Mr Tootight...
Jury's out, but they're now arguing about you in a bikini
He doesn’t need to eat it.
He doesn’t need to eat it.
I think you completely missed the point... I think it's the waste that he finds so distasteful.
I'd imagine that extends to throwing away food not just overpaying for it in the first place.
I personally find throwing perfectly edible away food is something that makes me feel pretty much physically ill, far more than wasting money to start with.
I used to live with someone who'd always cook nigh on double the required amount and in addition to throwing away perfectly edible food whilst making the food would then think nothing of scraping away edible left overs into a bin. Seeing food wasted makes me feel pretty upset in my stomach.
I think you completely missed the point… I think it’s the waste that he finds so distasteful.
Really? It's you that started inventing something about not liking spicy food, and - very randomly - bikinis and now wastage. He hasn't said a thing about wastage, only about VFM.
Somewhere on another Forum " My partner is very tight with money but refuses to talk to me about it,could he be hiding an expensive affair or a gambling addiction?" Thanks for reading--Takeaway girl.
😀
Idlejon
The point being made is that Mr T disapproves of Mrs T buying the bikini and so she doesn’t buy it, at least not when he’s around.
But I'm not seeing that... he doesn't disapprove of Mrs T buying a (flowery) bikini for herself he disapproves of her buying matching speedo's.
His behaviour is controlling what she does.
Perhaps ... but that's not necessarily one sided.
Keeping with the bikini analogy... Mr T should make it clear he's perfectly happy if Mrs T buy's and wears a (flowery) bikini and that her buying something that makes her happy makes him happy.
The problem may then be that Mrs T wants Mr T to be comfortable wearing the speedo's (not his 10yr old board shorts with holes) in order to feel happy buying the bikini.
As I was saying earlier it's just different values at least on the face of it.
There is lots of scope for compromise but that needs to come from both sides...
Back to your ice creams perhaps. If Mrs T wants to buy a posh icecream from the ice cream parlour but Mr T wants to buy the co-op one then they should both buy what the feel comfortable buying and eating. (So long as they can afford it and I think that's a given)
You can extend this lots of things... Mrs T might like buying fashionable expensive clothes and Mr T is more comfortable wearing his worn old ones - I don't see why one should affect the other.
Really? It’s you that started inventing something about not liking spicy food, and – very randomly – bikinis and now wastage. He hasn’t said a thing about wastage, only about VFM.
He did in his 2nd post.... but perhaps that what you aren't seeing?
Not getting VfM is wastage....at least for me and I suspect Mr T
I can *sort of* understand the OPs thinking, I love finding bargains, I hate waste and I will do all I can to use left-overs (down to thinking about what meal I can do with, say, 100ml of double cream left over from a dessert to avoid throwing it away).
However, like most of us, I don't have £5,000 a month left over after bills every month.
OP (as he accepts TBF) needs to give his head a shake.
My curiosity is growing, do you have a prenuptial agreement, Mr Tootight? There's a hint of insecurity in Mrs Tootight's reported views and behaviour. Feeling the need to work and have her own account despite a joint one slopping with cash, a degree of finanial independance despite a marriage certificate... .
As ever, wiki can help us out...
One attempt to account for miserly behaviour was Sigmund Freud's theory of anal retentiveness, attributing the development of miserly behaviour to toilet training in childhood
Mrs Tootight to Mr Tootight a moment ago…
What do the internet folks on singleblokeworld have to say about the takeaway thingy?
Mr Tootight…
Jury’s out, but they’re now arguing about you in a bikini
*snorts tea*
It does seem amazing how upset people seem to be about the OP not wanting his wife's takeaway (or something?).
Never see any handwringing here when someone says they've got away with replacing their bike without the missus noticing 🙄
tbh tootight, I don't really think you've explained very well why you think being tight is an issue. Like - if you don't enjoy takeaways then I think that's ok?
It's interesting to me that your OH said she doesn't want to freeload and maybe that is what is ringing slight alarm bells for you? She shouldn't feel that - as other people have said it is really important that your OH has financial control and independence and doesn't feel like she needs to get approval for any expenses.
Perhaps you need to have a proper discussion with her about how her contribution to the family means she should have an equal say in how the money is used, regardless of where it comes from (and that's basically set in law, if you extrapolate out from how divorces tend to work). That conversation should result in some compromises that might mean your family has a slightly more comfortable and fun time, and you still feel like you have some control over your outgoings.
After that, if you still need lessons in enjoying wifi speakers, carbon bling, Apple products and posh food then DM me. We'll whittle down that £5k no probs.
I often wonder if my thrifty associates will ever regret being so thrifty when they’re too old or ill to actually do anything…. Will they be able to joyfully reflect upon their wonderfully experienced life?
I suspect they'll be perfectly happy with the choices they made as those choses come from deeply held values which are unlikely to suddenly change. They'll probably be more concerned that the funeral arrangements are good value.
I think you completely missed the point… I think it’s the waste that he finds so distasteful.
I’d imagine that extends to throwing away food not just overpaying for it in the first place.I personally find throwing perfectly edible away food is something that makes me feel pretty much physically ill, far more than wasting money to start with.
same here, i can’t stand waste or buying tat that’s thrown away.
i still have anxiety about the bag of shopping i left on the bus as a child, i can see the bright orange bag of own brand wotsits sat on the top and the multi pack of those pink and white coconut biscuits.
i do think the OP should reframe his thinking on spending and simply spend better not more, i will buy stuff in Lidl (like the bags of unsalted cashews or the passata) but i’ll also go to waitrose and buy the loin of iberico ham to cook with some nice pasta covered in a bit of Parmesan and some very good (expensive) olive oil.
not something i eat every day but we both enjoy nice food and see that as having value rather than simply being expensive, there is a difference.
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
This is what is wrong with most folk and the world at large in my opinion. Equating success with wealth.
Has the OP spent any of his £5k surplus yet?
I read the takeaway point as “She doesn’t buy herself takeaways if I’m around because she knows I get grumpy about her wasting money - even though it’s her money.”
You say that you cook 30% of the time; do you clean up 70% of the time, or does she do most of the kitchen work and might enjoy a break from it?
They’ll probably be more concerned that the funeral arrangements are good value.
Turn the bloody gas down - haven't you seen the cost of energy these days!
Has the OP spent any of his £5k surplus yet?
I'm not sure that would make the OP feel any better, nor make the world a better place (too much consumerism already).
So she can buy herself or us a takeway whenever she wants, but she doesn’t do it much because she knows I don’t enjoy it (because of the waste of money thing). She normally buys one as a treat for herself if I’m away with work or on a boys trip
This is the crux of the issue. It's not a waste of money if it makes her happy. It's the very opposite of that. What dollar value do you place on happiness?
I would posit that she doesn't do it much not because it's a waste as you assert but rather because your disapproval has made her feel massively guilty about it. What does your "boys trip" (whatever that even is) cost whilst she's agonising over a six quid curry? The fact that she "treats herself" as soon as you're out of the equation doesn't just speak volumes, it's deafening.
The idea of buying a mate dinner seems odd. Not cos of the money thing.. just a bit strange. Can’t put my finger on it.
It's because you're a miserable tightarse. HTH.
If your friends would view it as charity then that's a different matter. There's almost a diametric opposite here potentially, "look at Mr Moneybags throwing his cash around." But good god man, you've got five grand A MONTH in disposable income, don't you ever buy anyone presents?
You won’t get the answer here, as being successful and financially comfortable is seen as bad in Singletrackworld.
Don't talk shite.
How? He can’t make himself enjoy wasting money on takeaways…or enjoy the takeaway.
You know, I'd like to see some figures attached to this. What's a typical takeaway cost? What's a typical home-cooked meal cost? (and how long do both take?) Do you even know?
Swap this round for a minute and say instead he detests (no medical reason) spicy food but his wife likes it so whenever his wife or whoever orders a spicy takeaway he doesn’t want to eat the spicy food.
Then order a korma, or an omlette, or a burger. Or don't order anything, why doesn't wifey buy a takeaway just for herself if he doesn't want one? Expense immediately halved right there.
Sure, he'd have to make his own dinner, but that might not be a bad thing if he currently attaches zero value to the time and effort involved in the alternative to a takeaway.
It’s no different than a vegan eating meat and saying how they enjoy it to keep someone happy. You can tell a vegan meat is YUMMY… but you can’t reasonably expect them to enjoy eating something they find distasteful in principle.
Yet if the vegan was telling the meat-eater that they thought eating meat was terrible... so the omnivore only ate meat as a treat maybe 4 times a year, often waiting until the vegan had gone away on a trip...?
would posit that she doesn’t do it much not because it’s a waste as you assert but rather because your disapproval has made her feel massively guilty about it. What does your “boys trip” (whatever that even is) cost whilst she’s agonising over a six quid curry? The fact that she “treats herself” as soon as you’re out of the equation doesn’t just speak volumes, it’s deafening.
Ordinarily I agree with most of the stuff Cougar has to say. Today I am converted to a True Believer and will be first in line to sign up for the Cougar Cult.
I’m not sure that would make the OP feel any better, nor make the world a better place (too much consumerism already).
unfortunately it’s good for the economy because that’s how our society works. Doesn’t have to spend it on consumables. Also I may not have been entirely serious with that part of my post.
I’m frankly stumped by anybody on a MTB forum having £5k surplus. That’s like three complete drivetrains at current prices.
Edit - Something, something takeaway. Just eat a takeaway FFS OP!
What’s a typical takeaway cost?
Depends. Last time we used it Pizza Express via Deliveroo was as expensive as eating in the restaurant, only you got cold pizzas, looking somewhat bashed around, delivered late.
Having my sister die a few years ago certainly nudged my attitudes a bit more towards enjoying life now rather than always putting things off to the future. Not that I’m hugely extravagant, I’m still sure I will die thinking I could have spent a bit more a bit sooner!
Also seeing a miserably tight elderly relative sitting on a fortune and refusing to spend modest amounts on things that would make their life much more comfortable and pleasant. What’s the point of that then? No pockets in a shroud.
unfortunately it’s good for the economy because that’s how our society works.
Well in the short term at least. Longer term, very unclear eg global warming etc
I’m still sure I will die thinking I could have spent a bit more a bit sooner!
Really?
I'm relatively tight (save more than I spend etc), but I don't spend because I don't want to - not because I'm denying myself anything. I could buy XYZ, but I'm perfectly happy without it. I expect to be sat on my death bed with exactly the attitude (assuming my brain hasn't atrophied due to dementia etc).
Shhh! Humans don’t do long term and where tied in to this me consumerist mindset so enjoy it whilst you can 😉
He might like cooking, I'm not keen on eating out myself. If I do it's something quick to cook because hanging around for food when hungry makes me wish I'd stayed in and cooked myself. Takeaways? Not my thing either unless I have a load of guests that need feeding and would rather spend time with them than in the kitchen.
I know time is money and Bill Gates would waste time/money picking up a hundred dollar Bill but there's fun to be had in doing things that waste time. I'm currently digging the foundations of an extension with a pick and shovel and seiving the gravel out to use in the concrete. It makes no economic sense at all in terems of time wasted versus money saved but when you compare it with paying to go work out in a gym it's quite low on the scale of folly. It's stragely satisfying digging a hole.
Last time we used it Pizza Express via Deliveroo was as expensive as eating in the restaurant, only you got cold pizzas, looking somewhat bashed around, delivered late.
Can't say as I'm totally shocked, I've had similar experiences with most of the "big" pizza chains. Papa John's was the worst by a country mile but they're all a shower locally.
He might like cooking
We're into the realms of wild speculation now, but I rather suspect that the OP is not the regular cook in this partnership.
I'm beginning to wonder if the OP's other log on is WRM...
Cougar
You know, I’d like to see some figures attached to this. What’s a typical takeaway cost? What’s a typical home-cooked meal cost? (and how long do both take?) Do you even know?
I've no idea what a typical take away costs nor how long it takes, last time I remember it took ages (I see someone else added that later) but it's not simply cost it's VFM... if what you buy isn't worth paying for. I don't really think it's simply cost for Mr T either... it's paying a bit more for something worse.
just adding in here
We’re into the realms of wild speculation now, but I rather suspect that the OP is not the regular cook in this partnership.
He say's 30% ... but then also he's working 5 days vs 2 days ... when someone has already made dinner by the time you get home it's a bit redundant.
jumping back.... cooking takes as long as it takes. I tend to have done the prep or break stuff down. For example Sundays is often roast chicken so Sunday evening I'll strip and boil the carcass ready to make Monday lunch... and then when making a soup or broth I'll marinade the left over chicken for Monday dinner (often Taco's or Burritos)
(At least that was Sunday/Monday this week)
Tuesday is DT so Jnr brought dinner home from school.. and tonight its a Primavera with the rest of the chicken.
No contiguous time of more than 20 mins or so spent in the kitchen... mostly popping through to stir or turn etc.
What did it cost?
That largely depends on your definition of waste... by one metric I've used leftovers since sunday... so a bit of gas or did I buy the chicken thinking it's 3 meals? TBH I (nor I think Mr T) are that bothered by the absolute cost but getting value out of what we spend.
Then order a korma, or an omlette, or a burger. Or don’t order anything, why doesn’t wifey buy a takeaway just for herself if he doesn’t want one? Expense immediately halved right there.
Back to VFM ... and my suggestion is "why doesn’t wifey buy a takeaway just for herself".. and not feel bad about it? (or say whilst using stereotypes Mr T like a beer and Mrs T a bottle of wine - they can afford both.. but I think Mr -T would like to see the cork put back after and then not wasted if Mrs T doesn't want to drink the bottle.
Sure, he’d have to make his own dinner,
Again.. my suggestion was that he just makes his own dinner.
but that might not be a bad thing if he currently attaches zero value to the time and effort involved in the alternative to a takeaway.
That's assuming he doesn't... I personally don't see it as effort though indeed I quite enjoy cooking, bleeding brakes and servicing suspension. (preferably washing hands inbetween)
Yet if the vegan was telling the meat-eater that they thought eating meat was terrible… so the omnivore only ate meat as a treat maybe 4 times a year, often waiting until the vegan had gone away on a trip…?
It really depends on the why... it's easy to jump to conclusions but "it's just simpler" is perfectly valid. My ex boss/mate used to do this.. his wife (who was a fantastic cook and loved cooking) was vegetarian but it wasn't a secret him eating meat or anything. In the same way his kids ate whatever at school .. his wife just never felt comfortable cooking outside their caste diet. When his wife was away the whole family ate meat at home... when she was at home they ate vegetarian. When we were on business trips he'd eat meat..
I reckon you're struggling to spend money because you currently have no savings,so are subconsciously feeling insecure. The house is paid for and you have a decent pension pot for your age(but you can't access it for another 17 years),but no cold hard cash in the event of a disaster. if you lost your job tomorrow you'd be as up sh1t creek as anyone else,and would have to do the same as anyone else, ie get another job sharpish or downsize the house - which you presumably wouldn't want to do.
Save some serious cash (100k should do it), and then I reckon you'll feel better about "wasting" money on takeaways and Ryanair add-ons.
For what it's worth I pretty much don't like wasting money on the same things as you, especially the Ryanair stuff, that really grinds my gears.
Having said all that - What doesn't make sense about all this is how you have no savings, even if you've been paying off a hefty mortgage ,being as tight as you say and earning as much as you say I'd expect you to have built up some considerable cash savings. What has all the money been blown on ? 200k per annum (if you're into the pension allowance tapering) is about 10k per month after tax.
Is it like the George best saying, "I spent a lot of money on women and booze,the rest I just wasted"
Edukator
I’m currently digging the foundations of an extension with a pick and shovel and seiving the gravel out to use in the concrete. It makes no economic sense at all in terems of time wasted versus money saved but when you compare it with paying to go work out in a gym it’s quite low on the scale of folly. It’s stragely satisfying digging a hole.
I do similar and its also satisfying reusing waste material and even more satisfying not taking it to the tip in one direction and buying aggregate on the way back.
funky
unfortunately it’s good for the economy because that’s how our society works
I know that's tongue in cheek but as I said earlier it's a sad reflection on society if most people think a takeaway a week is normal.. or buying a £5 coffee is "normal" etc.
I agree with footflaps
Well in the short term at least. Longer term, very unclear eg global warming etc
but I'd go further or at a tangent as well.
An economy that requires people to make their sandwiches, hot drinks, takeaway on a regular/everyday basis is going a bit wrong IMHO.
Ultimately it means someone has to be even poorer to the point after a low income worker has paid tax and NI, their employer has and paid for transport etc. etc. someone has to earn an even lower income.
Further 'good for the economy' is a vague concept.
Sure it contributes to our GDP, but why is that actually good?
I mean we get to claim "we are the n-th largest economy by GDP" but that doesn't really mean much if we have people can't afford to live.
It's awesome of you are Mc-Star-a-manger-osta of course but how does that benefit "society"
I’ve no idea what a typical take away costs nor how long it takes, last time I remember it took ages
The point was in terms of man-hours that they're spending in the kitchen rather than spending quality time with the family. It might well take "ages" to deliver but ordering takes two minutes.
I reckon you’re struggling to spend money because you currently have no savings... no cold hard cash in the event of a disaster.
Aside from five grand a month surplus cash. What disaster are you anticipating, Godzilla?
(100k should do it), and then I reckon you’ll feel better about “wasting” money on takeaways
I make a point of never going to McDonald's unless I've got £100k in the bank.
Aside from five grand a month surplus cash. What disaster are you anticipating, Godzilla?
That's what I'm getting at above,if he's got 5k per month surplus ,why doesn't he have any savings? Something doesn't add up.
In the op he said
. Don’t have a huge amount in the way of savings accounts right now
What also doesn't add up is how he 'only' has 5k per month surplus, on 10k per month after tax,with no mortgage, a 4k car,and no other vices, he should be putting away much more than 5k per month
That’s what I’m getting at above,if he’s got 5k per month surplus ,why doesn’t he have any savings? Something doesn’t add up.
Massive meth habit?
Ultimately it means someone has to be even poorer to the point after a low income worker has paid tax and NI, their employer has and paid for transport etc. etc. someone has to earn an even lower income.
Sums up our broken societal model rather well. At one end people earning a less than liveable wage and at the other people worrying about their £5k a month surplus income. Would be nice to have a sensible middle ground but we basically live within the confines of a massive pyramid scheme.
Just got back from the gym 🧐 takeaway?
That’s what I’m getting at above,if he’s got 5k per month surplus ,why doesn’t he have any savings? Something doesn’t add up.
Maybe he's only just paid off his mortgage? I think we're on the same page though, how can you have 5k/month slush and "no savings" unless you don't consider 5k to be savings.
What also doesn’t add up is how he ‘only’ has 5k per month surplus, on 10k per month after tax,
Did he say that? I missed it if so.
WTF do you do to be 'senior IT' and take home 10k/month after tax? CTO?
Just got back from the gym
Pity you don't live closer, a couple of hours with a pick and shovel would get you fitter. Who needs weights or machines when there's two and a half tons of gravel, sand and cement to be shoveled into a concrete mixer?
