I don't want this to come across as insensitive as i totally appreciate the need to rant and moan every so often but literally every day, as part of the routine, my girlfriend will come home from work, make a cup of tea and start moaning about her day. Is this normal? Am I just a robot that doesn't feel the need to rant like that?
Admittedly she's quite new in to a high stressed job whilst i work from home in a comparatively low stress job so maybe I'm just not used to her perspective but the negativity really brings down the mood in the house, to the extent that i feel an internal groan (I feel terrible about this) when I hear her keys in the lock as I know I'm about to be subjected to a 20 minute rant
She says it's her dream job so the obvious "find a better job" isn't feasible unfortunately but I'm pretty worried about the long term effects of this. Obviously worried for her but also in general, like I said it really fills the house with negativity as well
Daily. I long ago learned that practical advice doesn't help (unless in accordance with what she's already doing), the value I bring to it is solely listening sympathetically and nodding in all the right places.
No it isn't normal, if it becomes normal then sort it, if that means changing jobs then so be it, life's too short.
I think that if you can look around at what's presently happening in this country and you're not in a constant state of rage then there's something wrong with you
Just put some MDMA in her tea. It works for me
Yes my wife does this. When she really has to off-load then we go for a walk so at least we get some exercise whilst she gets it off her chest.
My view is that I would rather focus on her for 20 minutes or so than have her simmering all evening.
Some people process their thoughts verbally. It's been my observation that women are much more likely to do this than men.
She's just processing the events of her day and sharing them with you. It's perfectly normal.
She's not looking for you to provide any solutions to her problems. She just wants you to listen and empathise.
Find a copy of a book called "Why men don't listen and women can't read maps". It explains everything about how , in broad terms, mens and womens brains are wired up slightly differently.
Perfectly put by Pondo and Perchypanther
What Perchy says. Don’t listen to me know as according to Binners there is something wrong with me.
My partner never does this fortunately, but I had a flatmate who did it every day when he got home from work. It was a massive pain in the arse.
Some people seem to feel the need to unload all their tension/stress by doing this. Some don't.
Are you familiar with the term 'yes, dear'?
My ex used to do it. It's something you just have to tolerate, I think. I didn't find it particularly annoying, but it does get really boring! Told my current that it was the most boring thing about my ex and now she does it even more. Has good reason to though, and if I'm her only outlet, then well, I'm lucky that she depends on me really. I try to offer solutions, but that's not what she wants, I don't think, just someone to nod and be comforting.
I'm sure thing were far better back when the man came home and flopped in a chair and the good lady emerged from the kitchen in her apron carrying a cup of tea. How was your day dear..?
I'm probably the ranter.
I think my partner is looking forward to my new job even more than I am. 🙂
Distraction techniques:
Put her off dress up like superman
Put the lights down low with candles on
Invite her to help with cooking or something
go for a walk with her
Some people process their thoughts verbally. It’s been my observation that women are much more likely to do this than men.
She’s just processing the events of her day and sharing them with you. It’s perfectly normal.
She’s not looking for you to provide any solutions to her problems. She just wants you to listen and empathise.
100% this. whatever you do don't disagree with her... just nod, smile and make a cup of tea
My wife doesn't rant in an angry way but she does go through her day in great detail when she gets home. He said this, she said that sort of thing.
Me - I try and forget work as soon as I leave the premises and rarely talk about it at home. "How's your day been" is usually met with "s'alright". And my short term memory is shocking so that helps! 🙂
My wife used to, in fact funnily enough, it was just as she started her dream job too.
1 year later she was crippled with anxiety and depression due to the stress, pressures, quit the job and in fact the whole career to go and do something completely different that is not what she imagined her dream job would be.
Interestingly, she doesn't rant any more as she loves her job now.
Pondo nailed it. Blokes tend to want to fix things. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised that she isnt' looking for me to fix anything, she just wants to offload.
It is weird as I couldn't think of anything worse than talking about work when I'm at home but it seems to make her happy so fine. Its just a daily 15min routine.
pondo and perchy on the nail there, and muffinman is me in disguise.. However i have noticed that after a while it does start to affect me (it is daily) and i blew a gasket the other day with some practical advice of how to fix the "issues" bluntly.. had the spare room for a couple of days...
Pondo nailed it. Blokes tend to want to fix things. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised that she isnt’ looking for me to fix anything, she just wants to offload.
Yep - when the wife has a rant at me about the scales not moving this week despite her only eating air I need to realise she doesn't want solutions from me (such as do a HIIT workout it might help) she just wants someone to display her annoyance to
Pondo nailed it. Blokes tend to want to fix things. It was a lightbulb moment for me when I realised that she isnt’ looking for me to fix anything, she just wants to offload
Not so. My partner kept going on about the dishwasher door being broken.
Yes dear, I said, I understand how it being broken might get to you and I empathise.
Seemingly she did actually want me to fix it.
My partner has a super tough job, with far more stress than I could put up with. I am constantly in awe at the amount of day to day shit* she has to deal with, and she does it all in the most polite, caring and professional of manners She's an amazing human and can rant to me as much as she wants if it makes her feel better.
*other peoples
I think that if you can look around at what’s presently happening in this country and you’re not in a constant state of rage then there’s something wrong with you
^^^and this does not help,there are days when I feel like I could burst in to flames.
Make sure the TV is on when she comes home.
Let her rant for 5 mins, then put your finger to your lips as in "shush" and slowly point towards the telly.
Post back what happens.
Blokes tend to want to fix things. ... [s]he just wants to offload
Much like the OP and the answers on this thread I reckon 😛
Find a copy of a book called “Why men don’t listen and women can’t read maps”. It explains everything about how , in broad terms, mens and womens brains are wired up slightly differently.
A then-girlfriend years ago ordered me to read "women are from Venus, men are from Mars." It was a lot of pseudo-psychological guff but one thing that did strike a chord was that, in rash generalisation terms, men share problems when they want advice but women do so for validation.
Eg, a bloke goes "something terrible happened at work today," his male mate goes "you want to take that to HR." A lass goes "something terrible happened at work today," her female mate goes "that's awful, let's get a bottle of prosecco and a litre of Haagen Dazs and you can tell me all about it."
Casual sexism aside, if someone expects one response and receives the other - and it doesn't have to be a gender-specific response - that's when the wheels come off. You could, wacky idea I know, talk to her and ask what she expects of you. If she's only blowing off steam and getting it out of her system then just nod and smile and get the kettle on.
Oh, and,
It took me a long time to realise that there's a difference between shouting at me and shouting to me. Like, my girlfriend will (rarely, she's generally fairly laid-back) go off on one at me. At first I was like "what the hell are you ranting at me for, it's not my fault!" when in fact that inference was all mine, she was just having a rant.
My wife does this and always has done. Its clearly the 'validation' thing.
Its a pain in the arse. I'm wired for solutions/problem solving. In a time compressed family with something always to do, the concept of listening to her whine on about stuff without looking for a way to solve or deal with the issue is just a total waste of time.
Mine doesn't rant much but does tell me a lot of stuff that I have no interest in.
Susans friend Mary, whos husbands ex wifes brothers friends dog has covid. I don't know who Susan is, never mind the rest of the trail and even if I did, I don't really care that they have covid.
I kind of realise that it's validation not solution thing but when my wife goes off on one I find it uncomfortable when she gets so annoyed. It's a nonstop stream so I struggle to listen as I'm not part of the 'conversation' so my mind then wanders, she notices and suddenly all that anger is then directed at me.
Rarely, but that's because i mostly just laugh and call her a clown fish.
Mine only does it from Monday to Friday. She's a primary teacher in one of the roughest parts of Sheffield. Some of the stuff she has to deal with is unthinkable. The daily occurrences range from heartbreaking to infuriating. I know for a fact I wouldn't last a week without strangling one of the parents. The kids are just the tip of the iceberg. Then there's the local car chases and people wheelying up and down the street on MX bikes. I went to a crap school in a crap part of the northeast but this place is outrageous.
She just needs 20 minutes after work to blow her lid then she's fine. She's not angry with me and she doesn't want me sort anything out. I just nod and agree with her. It doesn't last or have any effect on our relationship.
Susans friend Mary, whos husbands ex wifes brothers friends dog has covid. I don’t know who Susan is, never mind the rest of the trail and even if I did, I don’t really care that they have covid.
Mine doesn't do this thanfully but at the minute I'm sharing an office with 6 women and I know the entire life stories of themselves, their siblings, their kids, their neighbours and a bunch of fictional characters from various soap operas.
It was a lot of pseudo-psychological guff
Probably..... but I found it both entertaining and, crucially, privided a few nuggets of deeper understanding that have quite literally changed the way I interact with people on a day to day basis.
The basic premise of the book is that the development of civilisation has far outstripped the natural speed of evolution. Essentially we've constantly updated the software in our brains to cope with modern society but it's all still running on the hardware of a hunter-gatherer society where evolution had given different roles to the different sexes.
Women in the hunter gatherer society were primarily the gatherers and men were the hunters.
This had lead to a fundamental difference in the way that they both see the world and communicate their understanding of it.
The women would spend their days gathering but, in order to provide maximum visibility of approaching predators they would stand on opposite sides of whichever bush they were picking berries from so that they can each watch the area behind their companions. As a result of this, the evolutionary hard wiring of women favours face to face communication.
The men, meanwhile, were out attempting to spear the Wooly Mammoth. Their brains have evolved to communicate side by side to find solutions to a common goal rather than face to face.
Sounds like a load of bollocks.... until you try to have a difficult conversation with a teenager.
I can confirm that it's much, much easier to have an awkward conversation with a teenage boy while your sitting side by side playing Xbox or in the car.
Conversely it's much easier to talk to a teenage daughter if you sit her down and look her in the eye.
They're just hard wired that way.
Probably about 3 times as much as I do.
It's a fun game, when I'm cooking It's "hmmm hmm" as she stares at her phone. When I need some info from her as in "when have you hidied me keys" it's "hmm hmm" as she stares at her phone etc, etc etc.
She likes to wait until I'm starting episode 1 of a new series, or the start of a film - you know, the important part when they lay out the story for you, then suddenly the phone holds no interest for her and she'll rant and rave at me for 15 mins. If I dare pause whatever I'm watching, that's apparently rude.
Just nod and say "Uh hu" every now and again. It becomes automatic while internally you're planning your next bike upgrade (or whatever). Works for most men.
Pat her on the top of the head and say "never mind dear" if she gets cross then say "do you know you are cute when you're angry?"
Report back how that works please
I used to do this.
Mrs crikey would pick me up from work and ask how I was as we drove home and I would launch into a mad de-stressing rant about everything that had annoyed me that day. She would sit in silence until one particular set of traffic lights and then say 'Ok, enough'.
If either of us launch into any kind of rant now it has become our custom to allow it for a period of time then mention the name of the road junction as a polite way of saying 'That's your lot, be quiet now'.
She doesn't any more 🤷♂️
IGMC
I can confirm that it’s much, much easier to have an awkward conversation with a teenage boy while your sitting side by side playing Xbox or in the car.
Also true for many ASD folk.
cheers_drive
Full Member
I kind of realise that it’s validation not solution thing but when my wife goes off on one I find it uncomfortable when she gets so annoyed. It’s a nonstop stream so I struggle to listen as I’m not part of the ‘conversation’ so my mind then wanders, she notices and suddenly all that anger is then directed at me
lol, my missus has caught me doing this with the resulting rage ensuing - she tells me it's like looking at homer simpson with the monkey playing cymbols..
All the time. Now and again I get annoyed (whereupon my sentences start with 2well, in which case you should"...), but mostly I try to let it go.
We've been together for many, many years and I love her deeply, but I have got to a point in my life where I will always want to look for a positive outcome - frankly life is to short to be unhappy. She remains stuck in a cycle of endless complaining combined with an apparent unwillingness to change the situation.
I have concluded that I think she enjoys it. So I choose (with the odd exception - like last night) not to let it get to me.
EDIT: I ought to add that I've tried all sorts of methods to curtail the ranting, as it means her work life spills into homelife (a killer now we're both WFH). But nothing has seemed to stick. We both work (worked?) in central Manchester and I preferred taking a Northern Rail train (to give me time to compose my day on the way in and unpack it on the way home) rather than drive in together.
If I dare pause whatever I’m watching, that’s apparently rude.
Yeah, what’s that about? Surely it’s polite.
I’m panicking a little bit now. What if you don’t listen and don’t read maps?
You'll always be lost?
My wife does this rarely, she's definitely the calmer of the two of us. I on the other hand used to be a serial ranter/ get things off my chest, particularly if I hadn't cycled to/ from work. Got to the point in Spring last year when I cracked and it was clear now looking back it was stress and depression. Somthing had to change, and after months off and other things I am so much better at dealing with things. My job can be very stressful, not just the senior manager pressures but dealing with things including major incidents such as Grenfell etc. She remains convinced something changed the first day I came back from visiting in the two weeks after the tragedy, but in the moment I can deal very well with what needs doing. As with others either the job needs to change or your partner does somehow, perhaps they can't vent at work for example, I rarely now let things bother me too much, especially if I can't change things or effect a change.
You can always chose to look at something from a negative or positive point of view. You can moan at what happened or tell me what you're going to do to fix it. You can laugh at the behaviour of the predictable idiots who make your lives a misery.
You've got to be honest to your partner and say "Park your negativity at the door, I'm not listening to it any more".
I'm a bloke who's been madly in love with MrsBigJohn for the last 51 years. We have both had some hard times with work but we laugh and giggle every day.
You are supposed to listen. Not offer solutions or advice. Every day does sound a bit much though, if the rant doesn't die back she will need another job.