[Closed] How did Bob Marley like his doughnuts?

What comes out of cows backwards, and steams in the winter ?
The Isle of Wight ferry

(I do like that Beyoncé one)

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two, but getting them in there isn't easy

I know a song about fajitas, well, it's more of a wrap really.

My friend David lost his ID.

Now we call him Dav.

[quote
]What's brown and sticky?
..A stick.

My Beyoncé poster!

Coat, thanks, I'll see myself out.

What's brown and sticky?

Muhammad Ali and a can of coke....

Why did the chicken run onto the footbal pitch?

Because the ref blew for a fowl.

So.... a baby seal walked into a club...

2 guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks...

Haff you hurt mein Geshtapo joke?

No

LIAR!

What goes ring, ring, ring, ring, OW!

Stevie Wonder answering the iron.

(I'm so, so sorry!)

I was enjoying myself listening to opera in my camper van, it was a Nissan Dormer

What's orange and sounds like a carrot?

[i]A Parrot[/i]

What's the difference between a ferrari and an erection?

[i]I haven't got a ferrari[/i]

I'm a security guard, and here are some security guard jokes:

How many security guards does it take to change a light bulb?
One. We're not stupid.

3 security guards walk into a pub.
Nothing happens. But that's what we get paid for.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Can't tell you: security.

2 big chains and a massive padlock.
Not so funny that one, but very secure.

We've got our own social club called Security Guards' Social Club
It used to have a more continental name: Club Security Guard, but some people took that too literally.

Our motto's above the door:
A watched pot may never boil, but at least it won't get nicked.

Simon Munnery

what kind of wood doesn't float?
Natalie Wood

What do you call a man with no arms and legs in a swimming pool?
Bob

What do you call a man with no arms and legs, swimming in a swimming pool?
Clever Dick

- Man with no legs? - Neil
- Man with a seagull on his head? - Cliff
- Man with a shovel in his head? - Doug
- Man without a shovel in his head? - Douglas
- Man with 50 rabbits up his rear end? - Warren
- Man hiding in a bush? - Russell
- An Irishman who's been buried for 50 years? - Pete
- Woman sat on a house? - Ruth

This all takes me back to my obviously highly productive yoof..

Are we allowed to start the Essex girl jokes yet?

I've got a cracking joke about a dead celebrity.... Its a peach.

I caught my neighbour trying to pinch the milk out of my fridge last night............ how dairy!

son asks father "why do women wear white on there wedding day" father replies "son all household appliances come in white"

Went to bed with two Thai girls last night, it was like winning the lottery.............we had 6 matching balls!!

What's orange and sounds like a carrot?

A Parrot

You're kidding, right?

Woman sat on a house? - Ruth

Woman playing pool whilst balancing a pint on her head?

Beertricks Potter.

what do you call a woman with a toilet on her head?
Lou
what do you call a woman with 2 toilets on her head?
Lulu

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Well, if we're doing bear images...

[img] [/img]

Went to a seafood disco last night and pulled a mussel.

I bet my butcher a tenner that he couldn't reach the meat on the top shelf. He declined, as the steaks were too high.

I'm here all week. Try the fish.

why did the hen go to the men's toilets?
cos that's where all the cocks hang out...

What did the cheese say when it saw itself in the mirror? Halloumi

How do you cut cheese in Wales? Caerphilly

What do you call a man with 50 raincoats on his head? Max

What do you call a man with 50 raincoats on his head standing in a cemetary? Max Bygraves

[quote=njee20 pointlessly vacillated]
You're kidding, right?

no, I'm just a little confused 😳

a fly hits a car windscreen at 50 mph. Whats the last thing to go through it's mind?

It's arse.

What comes out of cows backwards, and steams in the winter ?
The Isle of Wight ferry

Showing your age, the last steam ferry left the IOW in 1958

What's the difference between a buffalo and a boson?
Almost the entire buffalo.

Would you two like a stiff drink?

Yes please!

What would you say to a couple of large Teachers?

Get out of the way, we can't see the blackboard!

For Christmas, Paul McCartney bought Heather Mills a plane.

Janet Street Porter walks into a bar.
"Can I have a large aperitif?", she asked the barman.
Quoth the barman "I doubt it love"

Graham Norton walks into the bar and asks the barman for a double entendre.
"So that'll be a big one then?"

Mrs Wonder gave Stevie a cheese grater for Xmas, reckons it was the most violent book he'd ever read..

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He had his knob in a chicken

Man walks into Greggs and asks for a wasp

What? We don't sell wasps.

Well you've got one in the window.

and now the bingo...

Why did the pervert cross the road?
He had his knob in a chicken

Is that not the sort of 'joke' one s****s at age 12!

snail goes into a bar for a beer....the barman picks him up and throws him out
4 years later the snail goes back into the bar and says to the barman "why the f*** did you do that for?!"

A bear is chasing a rabbit around a lake. The rabbit keeps evading the bear until they complete three laps around the lake.
Upon completing their third lap, a genie pops out of the lake.
"Would you two stop?! Seriously, I've been watching you two chase each other for hours!" The bear and the rabbit just stop are are staring at the genie, awe-struck.
"Look, I'll give you each three wishes so don't you two learn to cooperate peacefully and take turns making wishes? I'll start with you, bear."
The bear grins and says, "I would love to be the biggest and strongest male bear that there ever was!"
POOF! The bear grows to a massive size.
The rabbit looks at the bear, scratches his chin, and thinks for a bit before making his first wish, "I wish I had a rabbit-sized dirt bike!"
POOF! A dirt-bike appears underneath the rabbit.
The bear laughs at the rabbit. He then says, "I wish I was the most handsome bear that there ever was!"
POOF! The bear's features change until he is gorgeous with a long, flowing, and shiny coat of fur.
The rabbit looks up to the genie and says, "Could I have a little helmet so I can ride my dirt bike safely?"
POOF! A little rabbit helmet appears on the rabbit's head, with spots for his ears to poke out of.
The bear is laughing hard now, and even the genie is chuckling. The rabbit just sits their and grins, waiting for his third wish.
The bear composes himself and for his final wish says, "Lastly, I would like for every other bear in the world to be a gorgeous female bear!"
POOF! Male bears the world over undergo an instantaneous gender transformation and all of the bears in the world undergo various physical transformations until they are absolutely beautiful female bears.
The genie is giving the bear a thumbs up for his wise wishes, while the bear can hardly contain his excitement. The two finally look to the rabbit and get ready for his last hilarious wish.
The genie says, "Well, are you ready rabbit? Want a jacket or something? Ha ha!"
The rabbit looks up to the genie, smiles really big, and pointing at the bear says, "I wish that that bear was gay!" before peeling off into the woods on his dirt bike.

Daddy, daddy can i have another glass of water.
No you've had ten already.But by bedrooms on fire.
(courtesy of my 8 year old daughter)

If we're on to 3 wishes jokes...

An Englishman, an Irishman, and a Frenchman are walking out in the desert. They come across a lamp, and after gving it a rub, a Genie emerges:

"I am the Genie of the Lamp! I grant you three wishes, however, seeing as there are three of you, I shall grant you but one wish each!"

The Irishman thinks for a moment. He then replies:

"Well I know what I'm wishing for. I wish for all the pubs in Ireland to be open 24 Hours, and to serve free Guinness."

The Genie snaps his fingers, and the Irishman disappears. He appears back in Ireland. All the pubs are open 24 Hours and all serve free Guinness.

The Frenchman makes up his mind next:

"Well, I am from France, and we French, we hate everybody in the world! So what I wish for is for everybody in France who is not French to be kicked out the country, and for everyone who is French and not in France to be returned to the country, and for there to be a mile-high wall around France, so nothing can get in or out!"

The Genie clicks his fingers, and the Frenchman disappears back to France, his wish fulfilled.

This leaves the Englishman with his wish.

"Before I make my wish, can I ask you a question?"

"Sure," replies the Genie.

"All the French people are in France?"

"That's correct".

"And everyone not French is outside the country?"

"Yes," confirms the Genie.

"And there is a mile-high wall around the country, stopping anything getting in or out?"

"That's right".

"OK," says the Englishman. "For my wish, fill it with water!"

*******************************************************************

A network administrator, a systems engineer and an IT Director were walking through a city park and they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the systems engineer. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat with a gorgeous woman." Poof! He's gone. "Me next! Me next!" says the network administrator. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with a professional volleyball player on one side and a Mai Tai on the other." Poof! She's gone. "You're next," the Genie says to the IT Director. The IT Director says, "I want those two back at their desk after lunch."

Paul McCartney seems to be popular...

What do vegetarian worms eat?
Linda McCartney

A woman asks her doctor, "How many calories are there in man-juice"?
"Trust me", replies the doctor, "If you swallow, no-one will care how fat you are".

Breaking news! Energizer Bunny arrested - charged with battery.

A Sandwich walks into a bar, the bartender says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"

"Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places" Doctor "Well don't go to those places."

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.

What do you do when a blonde throws a grenade at you? Pull the pin and throw it back.

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian - they're not laughing now.

[i]slightly out of date now[/i]

What's got three legs and lives on a farm?

Paul McCartney and his lovely wife heather.

Two nuns in a bath.

1st nun 'Wears the soap.'
2nd nun 'Yes it does, doesn't it.'

That was the first 'rude' joke someone ever told me, but managed to bungle the punchline to "Yes it is isn't it" - we were confused for many a moon about it...

Anyway, thank to Les Dawson
"My mother in law is from Sweden. She has a face like a norse"

Paul McCartney bought Heather a wooden leg for christmas. It wasn't her main present. Just a stocking filler.

I've got a pet Salamander called Tiny.... he's my newt

2 blondes walk into a building. You would have thought one of them might have seen it.

I just spent a couple of hours at my wife's' grave........ Bless her. She thinks i'm digging a pond 🙂

I saw a bear sleeping in his cage at the local zoo. "what sort of bear is that?" I asked the keeper. "Himalayan" he replied. I said "I can see that, but what breed is he....."

There's plenty more where those come from!

A bloke from Edinburgh walks into a Glasgow butchers and asks 'Can I have a small mince round' and the butcher replies 'Aye hurry up I shut in 10 mins'

Same bloke from Edinburgh walks into the bakers next door and asks 'is that a doughnut or a meringue' and the baker replies 'aye you're right enough'

My girlfriend left me cause I kept touching pasta...

I'm feelin canneloni right now.... 😉

There’s a convent full of stupid people, except for one, and she’s Nun The Wiser.

I was going to tell you my joke about sodium

and then I thought... Na

Retrospectively, I wish I'd bought my baked beans online.
Heinz site a wonderful thing

My new Wombles pepper mill I got for Christmas is rubbish.
Everything is either under ground or over ground.

Some low life just broke into the local store and stole all the coffee and Red Bull. I don't know how they sleep at night

I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a castle. You wouldn’t have thought it though from the miserable look on her face as we were bouncing around!

I had a happy childhood, I can remember my dad putting me inside a tyre and rolling me down a hill..
Those were Goodyears.

What do you call a dinosaur with one eye

doyathinkhesawus

Si, my new favourite joke! Along with the Wonder violent book one from earlier on.

A recent survey has found that six out of seven dwarves arent happy.

I was chatting to a bloke in the pub last night who had an ear missing, I asked if he wanted a drink, he said no thanks Ive got one ear.

A woman walks into a bar and asks the barman for a double entendre, so he gave her one.

A bear walks into a bar and says can I have a pint of ............. bitter please, the barman says why the big pause?

An Englishman, Irishman ans Scotsman walk into a bar, the barman says is this some sort of joke.