[Closed] HELP - how do fix this in the next 2 hours?!?

Can it be glued/resined back together?

I believe that superglue will work...

..for your dangly bits.

For the table I would guess that 5he marble us glued to the wood.  You would need to glue another wooden frame underneath to support the marble (obviously stop short of the edge of the marble).

Can it be glued/resined back together?

Probably.

Properly? By an amateur? in the next 2 hours?

No chance.

White sikaflex and some sash clamps

#pray4brakesballs

I was expecting some small crack or something, not the complete smashing of legs etc.

I reckon you'll be hard pressed to fix that at all, let alone in two hours.

Maybe the marble can be fixed but it will need to be supported a lot more.

Do you have a cat you can blame?

I would un-mount the marble from the 'table' bit, cut a bit of 18mm ply to a size/shape that supports it as well as possible without being too visible from the room and paint it black or white so it doesn't stand out. Then epoxy the marble onto the ply. Still leaves you with the wooden table to fix, and TBH you might just be better finding a table you like at ikea/british heart foundation/wayfair and building it onto that as I'm guessing it's quite heavy if it's collapsed once!

Edit: too slow, tinas beat me to it but that's exactly what I would try

Wasn't there a yellow pages ad along this theme?  Think that was for French polishers before the parents got home IIRC?  So, first step is to get your copy of the yellow pages out of the recycling where you chucked it 6 months or more ago

Think that was for French polishers before the parents got home

Bloody foreigners! Coming over here and fixing our tables in an emergency!

Call Mr Wolf?

I was expecting some small crack

It sounds quite large if your balls are up for the chop.

Come on this needs explaining? Changing lightbulb?

Breaking the top AND the legs?!

The proper answer is to kick the front door in, trash the lounge and donate the VCR and TV to a passing transit van driver, then claim a break in.
Graffiti for added je ne sais quoi.

jimdubleyou

Subscriber

I was expecting some small crack or something, not the complete smashing of legs etc.

I reckon you’ll be hard pressed to fix that at all, let alone in two hours.

He doesn't need to fix it perfectly, just well enough that it holds until somebody else touches it thus providing plausible deniability.

Has your carpet got a massive weave or is the table really, really small?

broke itself somehow

my kids say that

its never true

The table is just far away compared to normal. Its throwing the perspective?

Is it a doll's house table or a giant carpet?

my kids say that

its never true

He was just riding along on it.

It’s very small or that’s a very big jumper you’ve laid it on

Has your carpet got a massive weave or is the table really, really small?

how did I miss that?

it's from the dolls house he's absolutely not supposed to play with

The table looks to be designed to fail to me - you’d have your work cut out getting those legs back on in a way that’s as strong as they were but they weren’t strong enough to start with. The top is too heavy and overhangs too much

A big boy done it and ran away.

providing plausible deniability.

Deniable plausibility

it’s from the dolls house he’s absolutely not supposed to play with

So, in summary, he was resting his dangly bits on a dolls house table and it broke?

#dayoffrecreation

I believe that superglue will work…

..for your dangly bits.

Nope you'd need Bostick for that

Add a pricetag.

£150,000 should be about right for such a piece

Nope you’d need Bostick

Pri** Stick, surely?

The legs will fix - probably just stripped the thread - sugru can help with that part

wooden picture frame support as above is best for the marble. Clamp it tight to get the best fix, then use some crayon of an appropriate colour to fill in any gaps - might be able to make it look like the marbling?

Copydicks might work in a pinch.

1h 37m remaining.

Tick.

Tock.

The proper answer is to kick the front door in, trash the lounge and donate the VCR and TV to a passing transit van driver, then claim a break in.
Graffiti for added je ne sais quoi.

Also the perfect time to smash any of the wife's ornaments that you secretly hate....

+1 blame the cat. If you don’t have a cat then go buy one quick sharpish

Hide the table and deny all knowledge of its existence.

Remove the table and any pictures it ever existed. Remove the receipt and any other evidence.

Ignore the fact it's not there. When the wife asks about it, casually deny it ever existed. If pressed, suggest she must be thinking of someone else's house and imply she might be losing the plot.

I'm not sure a pricetag on its own will be enough.

Do you have any velvet rope?

Also the perfect time to smash any of the wife’s ornaments that you secretly hate….

I think he’s way ahead of you on that front

Right Click and choose Hide Table from the drop down menu?

Looking on the bright side, when did she last voluntarily mess with your balls?

Right Click and choose Hide Table from the drop down menu?

Surely: Copy upper row, delete lower row, paste upper row = good as new?

Did sharkbait really beat me to that suggestion while I was typing?

Right Click and choose Hide Table from the drop down menu?

Edit> Undo

Did it not ship with a spare crown race?

Edit> Undo

Ctrl Z

Never mind the table, that can be replaced.  The important thing is that everyone who was shagging on the table isn’t hurt..

No chance, Jim's been dead over eight years. 😉

1hour to go...

[url= https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/49521721461_2cdbb79232_c.jp g" target="_blank">https://live.staticflickr.com/65535/49521721461_2cdbb79232_c.jp g"/> [/img][/url][url= https://flic.kr/p/2is4LtP ]table[/url] by [url= https://www.flickr.com/photos/mhampshire/ ]Matthew Hampshire[/url], on Flickr
best i could do given the short turn around time

Excellent job, you've ruined the carpet though.
Just tell Mrs brakes it was only occasionally a table.

And you've straightened out the frankly abysmal bracket placement

Come on OP, give us an update! Are you a Borrower or is there something wrong with the warp (or weft) in your carpet, are your balls still attached, how did you break the tiny/normal sized table? So many questions and less than an hour to go.

I'm telling you. Lightbulb changing gone wrong.

What odds will you give me?

If i am wrong I will put a fiver in the mountain rescue tin.

Your balls are toast - just bin the table and hope she doesn’t notice it’s gone...

Inspired by the photos...

Cut it in half and rest it against a mirror.

Come on OP, give us an update!

Good effort .
Next time ,do your naked yoga on the mat.
😉

hi.
don't worry.
I'm ok.
my voice is a little higher though....

Oh come on!

How did you do it?

Was it a full sized table or miniature?

Bah, too late! Was going to suggest putting it behind the front door, then when she came..smash..."what the hell did you do that for?!"

I think the OP's username is spelled wrong...

It's ok she's hated the ugly table since you brought it home .

You'll get to buy her a new one

I quickly realised the following:
- I wasn't going to ever be able to fix it so it was like new
- I wasn't going to ever be able to fix it in any shape of form in 2 hours
- The cat (Carlos) is the King of the house and so it would still be my fault if he had been to blame, and worse as I had endangered the King*
- The table leg had been broken before.... AHAH....

..... yes, the boy had jumped on the table about 6 months ago when it was new and ripped one of the insert nuts out of the legs. So there was a weak point and I just gently moved the table, the leg collapsed, tipped over and the top snapped (your honour) /case closed.
The boy, bless him, added to his guilt by smashing a glass on the kitchen floor shortly before mrs brakes came through the door.

I've still got to fix the crappy thing temporarily until we can get a replacement so thanks for the suggestions above. I'll see what I can cobble together.

*case in point being that he regularly vomits on the expensive rug (not carpet - see picture earlier) and I get blamed for not removing him from rug quickly enough.

other unrelated things that happened today...
we had a new 3-seater sofa delivered that I had to carry through the house into the living room where it now sits proudly atop a lovely heavy weave rug

https://www.plastic-surgeon.co.uk/

Caveat, i narrowly avoided employment by this firm when I found out you have to source your own work amongst other ‘stuff’
BUT give these lads ago/help the poor saps out, the work looks good.

I was going to suggest blaming it on your neighbour. Then to emphasise your displeasure either bum his lawn or hammer frozen sausages into his dog.

(Harks back to a classic thread from last year).

Bet you didn’t get any pudding!

Angle grinder + sander = nice new chopping board.

Hide the table and deny all knowledge of its existence.

a friend did that, kind of. Borrowed his dads motorhome drove ,it under a low bridge somewhere on the way back from an outdoor rave in Wales, destoying the roof. Parked it back in the driveway and just denied all knowledge of how it was damged.

Borrowed his dads motorhome drove ,it under a low bridge

Time for a dose of 11 foot 8

Then to emphasise your displeasure either bum his lawn

Whatever floats your boat

@hols2 man that is addictive.

Like the truck at the end that reverses back so he can have a go!!

Given the number of repeated incidents at the same site, one would have thought they may have a better warning system.

You would also think that Penske might have a GPS triggered alarm in all their trucks.

Given the number of repeated incidents at the same site, one would have thought they may have a better warning system.

Or that Penske, Enterprise and Budget would remind drivers not use that route 🙂

Ugly but effective ..

Drill the leg out to a through hole fix with bolt and nut on each axis..

Frame
Create a frame underneath in a |×| esc type shape with 2 extra bars holding it up ..

Top
Exopy it to within an inch of its life then clamp and leave with it top side down on cardboard(can be scraped off later) then razor blade the seam and some clear finished coat paint....

Good as new...

Reassembled car bumpers, lower balances, headlights, doorcards. It works great with wooden inserts or mounting on doors so when done right ..puts up with one hell of a beating
.

That bridge must be built out of damn strong stuff.