Two friends. Husband and wife.
Was best man at wedding.
Been close friends with her since we were 5, so 35 years.
Been close friends with him since they got together, 17 years.
Not the happiest marriage at times. But they get on.
I work with him now and have done for about 3 years. Never much together. Shift work and we don't often end up on the same rota.
Recently he's improved his appearance and lost a lot of weight.
Recently everyone has been asking me:
"What's going on with rob?" (Not real name).
I dunno.
Today I learnt:
Apparently he's banging one of nurses on the adjacent ward.
Apparently he disappears at night to his car when she's on shift "cause his back hurts"
Apparently he's been buying her gifts.
Apparently he spends lots of time away from our unit on hers.
Apparently she has now left her husband as of today.
Apparently everyone knows but me. (knew nothing)
I've no evidence just word of mouth.
What do I do? Inclined to do nothing in case it's just rumours but if we're true I'd looking right see you next Tuesday for not telling wife friend.
Sorry !
Seems like it'll come to a head soon. I'd either be denying all knowledge or anonymously tipping off the wife.
do nothing in case it’s just rumours
This really. Maybe have a word with him and tell him of the rumours to see if he opens up about it? If he denies it then you can't really take it much further.
Ask him outright. You were his best man so I reckon that you and he can be honest with eachother. If it's true it's going to come out sooner or later; sooner by the sound of it.
If it's not true he needs to know. Gossip can be toxic.
I'd be up front first and just ask him, tell him you've heard rumours and you want to hear his story before you do or say anything else. Make your position clear if it is true, that you are now in a difficult position; cursed with the knowledge and being a friend to both him and his wife, and knowing what the likely fallout will be.
Assuming it's true, make it clear you're inclined to tell his missus (soon) if he won't, as she's been your friend for longer than him and from your point of view it's only fair.
You're not picking sides, but he's clearly avoided confiding in you about it precisely because He recognises the difficulty you'd face and the odds that you'd ultimately be forced relay the information...
Make the point that he and the other woman have failed to be discrete (if that was their intention) as you've found out via workplace gossip, and thus it's more than likely all of the other affected parties are going to find out in a similar way eventually.
It's up to him how this happens, but you're not going to sit on it forever.
So he can come clean with his wife or wait for you to deliver the news, but it really is his job to come clean.
Do not get involved.
this would be my thought, but Wife won’t believe that the op knew nothing while the rest of the workplace knows.
then again, once you’re involved, there is no truth in claiming that you didn’t know
Of course if you are friendly with the wife and not married, you could approach her one night with the truth and lend her a shoulder to cry on.... Best bring a bottle of wine 😉
Two things:
1) "Apparently."
2) Neither party will thank you for intervening.
If everyone knows but you I'd keep it that way. The truth will out, it always does.
For now I would simply observe... purely as "Apparently" is doing a lot of heavy lifting in the OP.
As @dyna-ti said, it's a delicate situation.
If asked a question, then answer honestly and frankly, and allude to your suspisions, but I'd shy away from making a statement you don't know 100% is fact.
Easier said than done, I know.. I was once with a girl, and the hint I got from my best mate was, "you can do better than her, mate".
Turned out that was his way of telling me she was up to no good, but I thought she was cute and lovely, so I kinda fell out with him for slagging 'my girlfriend' off.
Tread carefull.
mattyfez
Full Member
Of course if you are friendly with the wife and not married, you could approach her one night with the truth and lend her a shoulder to cry on…. Best bring a bottle of wineAnd a Barry White CD, oh yeahh 😉
Hell no. She's like my sister.
I'm happily married with a nice family anyway. But never. She's not my type.
But yeah, I think I'll keep quiet. Keep an ear and watch before making any move. It appears I live under a rock.
You've all been helpful. I'll update if anything happens. I'm going to play dumb. It's 0115 so it's obviously playing on my mind. Got a job interview at 1000 as well ffs.
Apparently everyone knows but me. (knew nothing)
You were happy when you didn't know. Just keep it that way.
Do not get involved.
10,000 times this. I feel like this is a scenario that's played out since time began.
See also: "don't slag-off your best mates fiancée". Even if you are right/proved right.... you still lose.
I would concentrate on your plausible deniability.
If you really feel like you have to say something to somebody, I would just say to Rob: "I've been hearing some rumors at work. Whereas I obviously know that they're not true, but I wanted to let you know that there are some rumors doing the rounds about you and Doris from accounts."
leave it at that - no conversation, no discussion - just a simple statement from you (maybe even a text), that he can either take as you informing him that there are some spurious rumours doing the rounds which he needs to address, or that the proverbial cat is out of the bag, and he needs to get ahead of the inevitable shit-storm.
I would concentrate on your plausible deniability.
If you really feel like you have to say something to somebody,
I would just say to Rob: “I’ve been hearing some rumors at work. Whereas I obviously know that they’re not true, but I wanted to let you know that there are some rumors doing the rounds about you and Doris from accounts.grumble about it on an anonymous internet forum and then leave it at that.”
FTFY
Bollox to " don't get involved"
Its a simple question if you were the wife would you want to know? Of course. The only right thing to do is to tell him that you know and if he does not tell his wife you will
The only side to be on is the side of truth and honesty.
If you dont tell her you are complicit in his lies and deceit
Not to tell her is cowardly
I think that argument is just the triumph of idealism over realism TJ, and I mean absolutely no disrespect in that.
As I said, this has played out over and over and over, and (in those cases that I'm aware of) far from the person who's trying to do the right thing being recognized as doing so.... more often they end-up being cast as the bad guy by both sides, and lose both friends.
if you were the wife would you want to know?
It's more complicated that that. Instead you have to ask: would either of them want you to bring the issue to a head on their behalf?
She probably knows (or suspects already), and he probably knows that she does. Do you really want to be the one who kicks over this finely balanced house of cards?
It's obviously easier if you feel much more affiliated to one side or the other - but not in this case.
Apparently he’s banging one of nurses on the adjacent ward.
Apparently he disappears at night to his car when she’s on shift “cause his back hurts”
Assume from this it's NHS, if so, and they are carrying on like this in work hours it's most likely disciplinary action for them both and quite possibly a referral to the NMC for her. I don't know his role but if professional medical then similar situation may apply.
As some have said, have a honest conversation with Rob - no accusations, just talk about the rumours you've heard and that your worried about both him and his wife. Explain your position and how it makes you feel being caught in the middle and leave it at that.
It's easy to point the finger at Rob, but there's probably more to this situation than you know, you said it's not the happiest marriage so maybe things are just coming to a head.
You're in a tough spot but it's not up to you to fix their relationship. Giving him ultimatums or threatening to tell her will just make you the bad guy.
In the end you may lose one or both of them as friends, hopefully not...
Morning!
Well.
All I can think to do is the following:
Not tell the wife yet. I can't go throwing accusations with no proof. I could be a home wrecker.
I could ruin a home. Selfishly I could ruin my life long friendships.
See what is going on when I'm next in work.
Talk to him and ask if rumours are true. If so that he needs to do the honourable thing.
If it's not true he needs to tell her either way as I can't be complicit to a rumour or a truth.
I agree, she needs to know.
It does need to be the truth beforehand.
I'll soon know if he's said anything to her.
Thanks for the opinions. I talked to my wife last night. Seems we all think the same and are torn on actions.
If a best friend I'd known since I was 5 kept this kind of secret from me the friendship would highly likely be over.
Speak to her husband and tell him to inform his wife or you will.
I don't think you'll win in this situation, you'll piss someone off either way.
If he'd done a better job of keeping it a secret you wouldn't be in this position, so it's on him.
Seems like it’ll come to a head soon.
Sounds like it already has….
100% you are not the bad guy. It's him. Allegedly.
She’s like my sister
Would you tell your sister what was happening?
You already know to much to deny knowledge even if it's just rumours. Ask him. If it's true then it's ultimatum time for him to tell her and give him a timescale. If he doesn't stick to it then speak with the wife.
It Is None Of Your Business.
One of two things is going to happen. Rob will tell his wife that he's leaving her, or Rob's wife will find out because Rob's dick is doing all the thinking for him right now. At that point they'll need your friendship, and currently you're neutral. If you tell Rob's wife, your friendship with him is gone for ever. If you tell him do the right thing and come clean and he leaves her, your friendship with her and probably him as well will be gone forever.
What other people do with their own body parts in their own spare time is, I repeat, none of your business.
I talked to my wife last night.
That was my first thought.
I'm all for the "Rob, is anything going on?" talk.
... this is like a soap opera.
Yeah, I don't agree with the "don't get involved" crowd when you've known the person potentially being cheated on for that long. I'd want to know if I was her but also agree you should confront him first and if it's true give him an ultimatum to tell her (although admittedly I'm not sure what the plan would be if he denies it and the only evidence you have is workplace rumours). If it's true and it goes on to sour your relationship with her then that would have happened anyway, once the truth came out, even if you weren't involved at all.
I'd ignore anyone telling you to spill the beans/confront; it's very easy to throw that out there when you have zero emotional connection to the issue and working from a position of moral superiority with no dog in the fight. If you felt that strongly you'd have done this already.
If true, you have the potential to lose one or both as friends, the minute you got that insight was the minute the outcome changed, you won't be coming out of this unscathed so chose your actions wisely to limit the damage.
but also agree you should confront him first and if it’s true give him an ultimatum
For what purpose? Rob's wife is going to find out. All you're doing here is being the person that either tells Rob's wife that her marriage is over, or you're the reason why Rob's wife finds out her marriage is over. Either way you loose one or both or these friends. Their marriage is finished already, if you want to have some hope of retaining either or both of their friendships, then do not stick your nose into their business.
Edit: If either of these people ask for your advice, then feel free to be as honest as you feel, but until/if that happens, It Is None Of Your Business.
No good deed ever goes unpunished
Id keep out of it
It's a tricky situation that can't really be 'won' as such.
Personally, in this situation I'd be (when the moment is right), having a word with the husband and simply say I've been hearing around the 'ward, hospital, whatever' that you're messing about with one of the nurses behind your wifes back' - and go quiet.
No immediate threats of 'I'll tell her if you don't', or outright accusations, just go quiet and see what he does.
What happens next is down to him, and you can make your next move accordingly.
Hopefully, as you've known him for many years, you'll get a feel for the situation by his body language and first response, which is why it is important to ask him away from a pressure situation or crowd etc.
How you handle what comes back from him will be down to your own thoughts and interpretation but going into the discussion openly and without an agenda is probably the best action from you.
Maybe keep your nose out of other peoples business? For all you know the wife already knows what’s happening and is waiting for the fling to end and not destroy the marriage. Or any one of a number of other possibilities that are more subtle than you can appreciate from outside.
Two things:
1) “Apparently.”
2) Neither party will thank you for intervening.
If everyone knows but you I’d keep it that way. The truth will out, it always does.
3) He’s a big boy and can do what he wants as he will be owning the consequences.
TBH I’m always amazed how naive people are on these types of thread, lobbing hand grenades at peoples marriages rarely plays out well, is it some indoctrination you get watching soap operas or something 🙂
You can hold an opinion on it and tell your friend you don’t like what he’s doing but other than that it’s not your business.
Been to this rodeo a few times.
People are people are people.
Yeah, I agree you need to speak to him to find out the truth.
He should be the one telling his wife, but if he doesn't you may need to step in. I suppose it depends which one you'd rather have as a friend after the divorce....
While i can see the "not your business" argument, do you want to lose one or both of the friendships?
Personally, I'd be telling him you've heard the rumours, and if it's true it puts you in a bad spot. See if he can find a solution for all concerned.
Affairs are always messy, no one knows what goes on inside a marriage, you only ever see/hear one side of it at best, especially if the couple are putting out a public front.
OP, the only scenario I can see where you come out of this and keep both as friends is if their marriage continues.
If their marriage breaks down, then you’re likely going to end up on one side or the other anyway.
Your problem is that if the situation continues as it currently is, then I’m afraid that it’s very unlikely that you’ll avoid becoming complicit.
Unless you avoid being alone with the wife (which would likely be suspicious in itself) it’s likely that the subject will come up at some point anyway, either before, or after the fact. Then you’ll either have to tell the truth or lie. As you’ve already told your wife, it’s unlikely you’ll get away with a lie.
Bottom line is, that you’ve got to pick a side.
There is no “not getting involved” here. You’re already involved because of what you know. It’s not fair, but that’s on Rob, not on you. When we choose not to get involved when someone is doing something that we think is wrong, we’re actually colluding with them.
That doesn’t mean you have to jump in with both feet and ultimatums etc.
I’d have a private conversation with Rob. “Mate, it’s none of my business, but I think you should know…” and see what he says.
If he denies it outright then you’re in a slightly better position, because you can choose to believe him.
Whatever he says I’d follow up with the “this puts me in a difficult position because I’m not prepared to lie to your wife if it comes up in conversation, which I think it could do.”
Know what your boundaries are. For me, trust in any relationship is hard earned and easily lost.
I wouldn’t be prepared to lie to one of my oldest friends either in collusion or by omission.
I’m afraid to say, that whatever happens here, there’s a strong possibility that you lose one or both friends anyway.
lobbing hand grenades at peoples marriages rarely plays out well
Rob has already thrown the hand grenade. No blame can be leveled at the op.
It's whether or not the op let's everyone know that the pin is out is the question.
Only the Op will know that.
do you want to lose one or both of the friendships?
Sadly I suspect that is a likely outcome whatever you decide to do.
Now I've flipped from ultimatum to burying head in sand and practicing the poker face. Just let them sort it out. Job done. Thread over. Right what am I going to have for breakfast...
For a moment with all the references to Rob I thought I was back on The Archers thread from a while back.
https://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/i-reckon-rob-is-poisoning-her/
Invidious position. I'd be inclined to stay well clear. You don't know what goes on in other people's lives and you don't know if the wife isn't giving the ferret a run with the coal merchant.
When my marriage was going wrong a close mate knew much but kept completely neutral and that was a great support. Problem is, we fell out over Johnson and haven't spoken since.
