I keep reading this thread thinking I might be able to make a useful contribution then realise I cannot
I would like to say tho what a good thing you are doing. Making the world a better place even if its one kid at a time
johndoh... with all of what you are saying, it really sounds like you are doing a pretty good job... but I know that doesn't make it any easier when something comes out of the blue and there is no explanation or reason why something has happened. As I think I have said before, unfortunately there isn't any discernible reason a lot of the time.
However, knowing that those sorts of things can happen means you can have some responses already sorted out between yourself and your wife, which at least means that you feel a little more in control with dealing with it when something does happen.
It's still very much early days though... especially with the death of his mum, it really must feel like the world is against him at the moment, and he'll have so many emotions and feelings flying around that anyone would be struggling, let alone a kid who's had a tough start to life. So if he's not going to talk to anyone else, then just being there and accepting who, and how, he is at the moment is probably going to be as much as you can do for the time being. Which again, is not an easy thing to do at times... so just keep posting on here and we can keep talking to you about it as things get tricky...
Thanks all for your input. Hopefully if we can start to get around the food/cleanliness/ownership issues then things will start to improve more broadly as they remain the issue that causes the vast majority of flare-ups/emotions.
He won’t speak to his SW – he just goes to his room, closes the door and puts his headphones on. They tried writing him letters – he just rips them up and throws them away. Our relationship with our SW is okay, however the review we were meant to have two weeks ago has been delayed until mid-January which is not entirely unexpected.
If he won't work directly with externals will they work directly with you, perhaps offering you strategies to use with him, derived by them & implemented by you, in his best interest?
(hope that makes sense)
If he won’t work directly with externals will they work directly with you, perhaps offering you strategies to use with him, derived by them & implemented by you, in his best interest?
Yes, we have *some* support there but it's pretty limited and more anecdotal / experience led. The back-story was that, before coming to us, he was almost non-verbal with carers (he has been in and out of the system for most of his 12 years) so what we (I can't take credit, so my wife) has done is far above anything in the past so we just get 'you're doing great - much better than anyone else' and that is enough for them. Of course they don't see the 'curled up in a ball shaking because he saw me using my hands when preparing his food' side of him that we have to cope with.
Keep plugging away you’ve already done a lot more than most other families and
you’ve given the kid a chance not to end up dead or in prison.
Being funny about food is quite common for kids I think. Particularly those with autism. If you can include him in the process some how that might help. If he chooses the soap, you use or perhaps the colour of nitrile/vinyl gloves or indeed try and involve him in the making process. Might feel a bit ott but if that gives some respite then it’s a small price to pay.
There’s several groups out there - see if you can join your local national autistic society. They usually have a monthly meet up and also a what’sapp group to share stories/ask for advice. They should also be able to point you to various courses on how to support kids with special needs. Whilst a formal diagnosis might be helpful in one sense in many others it’s a bit academic - you can still learn how to try and deal with the symptoms being presented.
How is he performing at school?
How is he performing at school?
Generally well - a typical 12-year-old boy really in that when he does apply himself he is fine but he doesn't always apply himself. We'll get to know more when we have a parent's evening - he's just started secondary school and we haven't met them yet (at least not in an academic capacity).
Just a thought... does he have an EHCP for school? It sounds like he probably should, as it's not just for learning issues, it's for social and health issues as well, which I think would be covered here...
Also relating to school... see if you can get in contact with the virtual school... they are specifically there for helping with looked after kids in school. Plus he should be getting the higher level of pupil premium, and the virtual school will have some say in how that gets spent for him.
Finally I'd just say that although some of the symptoms might well be similar/the same as for autism, there is a large crossover in the symptoms with attachment disorder and ADHD. So while it's certainly possible that autism is a factor, I'd think attachment disorder is almost certainly a given for a child who has been in and out of care for the greater part of his life.
As for support from your social worker... unfortunately, as in a lot of things in life at the moment, if you don't put yourself forward a little to get additional help, then they'll likely not offer as they have so much work on their plates and other people who are asking... it's not right, but it seems to be the ways things have been going for a few years.
See if you can get on some courses as well, there should be a set of fostering courses which they run, which I think you need to be doing at least a certain amount per year to keep up on your CPD. Therapeutic parenting and PACE are the currently preferred parenting techniques for the social workers and adoption support workers around my way so would be worth seeing if you can get on a course for one of those.
The advice on eligibility for an EHCP is a good one.
Yes, we have *some* support there but it’s pretty limited and more anecdotal / experience led
Unfortunately the system seems to favour best those who continually make the most noise and use legal teams to obtain their entitlement.
A lot of the process will be driven by diagnosis, so if he's lacking any formal diagnosis that'd be a start.
Get the social workers in.
So another one last night - my wife was in his room cleaning the windowsill (black mould due to stuff being piled up against the window). He was 'okay' with her doing it but she accidentally knocked something off his desk which is next to the window. He reacted as she 'touched' one of his things (despite her touching lots of his things on the windowsill)! Anyway, the reaction wasn't that bad and she carried on... unfortunately she then knocked something else (he is very messy and it is quite a small room) and he went into one of his meltdowns - completely shuts down verbally (head down, stood bolt upright, clenched fists, shaking etc). I have said before that I think there is something boiling away like a pressure cooker inside him that will one day blow spectacularly and last night was one of those times when I think we nearly saw it happen. Actually quite scary :-O
I have said before that I think there is something boiling away like a pressure cooker inside him that will one day blow spectacularly and last night was one of those times when I think we nearly saw it happen.
Maybe that's what needs to happen?
Speaking purely from personal experience, I find that there's a lot less pressure left in the pan after the the lid is embedded in the ceiling.
Maybe that’s what needs to happen?
Honestly? In my entirely unscientific diagnosis, I think he is afraid to let anyone see it (his rather unprofessional doctor suggested quite heavily that he has been very violent in the past). It's almost like he's David Banner trying to stop the rage from erupting.
I dunno. I'm not involved and please don't take advice from me! If he has anger management issues then it could be a wholly different scenario from mine.
It’s almost like he’s David Banner trying to stop the rage from erupting.
Let him?
https://www.virginexperiencedays.co.uk/product/teen-rage-room-for-two-destroyd
Hah - he would love that. Is there a 'The Purge' based one at all? He often says he wants to kill people, wish everyone dead - that might help him vent. 🙀
