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So - the glum holiday cover staff is disappearing into the toilet and emerging cheerful and with a bad sniff from a sudden runny nose. He probably thinks I don't know what's going on. My only decision now is whether to ignore it or put on my Mr Evil hat and play around with it... 😈
have a nice chat about your forthcoming holiday to the snow covered mountains of bolivia during which you might march through columbia whilst drinking lots of coke...a cola.
Put some Steve Reich on the stereo, or a nice bit of Terry Riley.
See how long before he loses it completely.
Mention you're a PCSO & don't forget to keep knocking the heating up.
Hmm... does this stuff make work bearable??
Just tell him you think he's putting in a Class A performance...
Is he called Henry?
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Hmm, a smear of Vaseline on the cistern? Then see if he comes out with a smily face.
No Vaseline then a wipe over with GT85 or WD40 will also do it.
Get his paranoia, anxiety, sense of infallibility going. Just keep clocking him, unless he's a pro bingo player, this is your time for fun.