[Closed] dodgy office goings on

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Christmas 2010, we were asked by a client to turn a big barn of a venue into a nightclub for them. They shelled out the best part of quarter of a million on a one night event with celebrity guests, massive stages, guest bands and DJ's. SInce this was the biggest event they'd had, we provided a 9 camera live shoot with links to screens and recording for a highlights edit.

As soon as the event ended we were asked to destroy all footage and they stood over us as we did it. Turns out a couple of the Directors were dancing (spelled G.R.O.P.I.N.G) with people they shouldn't have been and they didn't want the footage going anywhere.

A huge amount of money spent and nothing to remember it by. The following year, they did not want the cameras element of the quote!

He was fired after a surveillance operation fingered him. Eugh.

Slightly unnecessary.

What's a 'euphinsim'?? 🙂

[url= http://www.vice.com/en_uk/read/deep-inside-the-chain-pub-piss-dungeon ]This fits the thread quite well[/url]

I work for a large manufacturing company and we have had 2 blokes having it in the toilets during late shift.
They got caught and had to go home and explain to their wives why they got sacked.
One day, one of my colleague took the office digital camera to take some photos for a quality report.
Memory card was full so he started deleting some photos. Then found a movie. It was filmed in the men's toilets and you could see the camera user filming while playing with himself. The tattoos made it fairly obvious and also his face at the end of the video when he was trying to switch the camera off...
We have also had a a toilet cubicle covered in poo from floor to ceiling, people stealing lunches...

I need to get a job in a more interesting place.

Someone once knicked someone else's Snickers from the fridge*. That caused quite the furor.
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*No euphemisms were used in the telling of this story.

carbonfibreismadebyaliens - Member
This fits the thread quite well

ummm... not sure what to say...

Tame by the standards of this thread but when I worked in ad agencies in London, the first place I worked, turned out all the cokeheads who worked there were getting it from the Commercial Director.
Funnily enough the place collapsed in 2001, having won tons of awards in 1999/2000...

Ah too many...

The Fart Machine - in our northern office it was snuck into the coffee machine and set off by remote - it was banished to our office after that. We had a tannoy phone system cue loud fart through the PA when a director arrived.

When mobiles started to have colour & video one guy proudly told us how he would be hiding in the disabled bog cracking on out. He was proud about how much he was getting paid for it.

One job when we were all made redundant over 6 months we all left as we got new jobs. One old guy wasn't at the christmas get together we all went back to. Internet browsing of a racy nature - enough to be marched out and his personal items being brought out to him.

Christmas party where 1 guy with some issues got massively pissed, pissed himself then tried to beat up the 60yo in the group. I stood in the middle until he was taken to his room. Following year in a bar he picked a fight in a racist way with a huge guy - we got him out and into a taxi. He spent the rest of the night trying to kick down everybodies hotel room doors to kill them - not sure how he still had his job.

Not realy an office but in the RAF aircraft Electricians are known as K9 fornicators due to a member of the trade getting caught entertaining a dog when he was baby sitting.Even 40ish years on and the name still sticks

Boss in the late 80's had one of the supervisors over his desk every morning. Both got in early doors.

Head honcho from the building opposite complained in person to our District Manager that his Forensics Dept staff were being very distracted, and that he would personally arrest the pair if they did not desist forthwith !

The procurement manager at one of my old employers had a cracking mid-life.

Traded his families car in for a Harley, joined the "Celtic warriors" and started comming to work in leather biker kit, started shagging the cleaner and promoted her to a position as a buyer, left his missus and kids and moved in to a caravan in the car park of a pub...

That was an odd summer...

and just to add the guy who made noises that can only be likened what you would do if you were passing breeze blocks complete with feet slapping. He also uses the urinals by resting his head on the wall and more sound effects.

My day job just seems so dull....great thread, please keep it up

When I was eighteen I worked for UPS near Gatwick as a packer/fork truck driver. One of the older packers used to spend a great deal of time loading the back of a particular vehicle, down the far end of the ramp. It turned out he had a penchant for making love to cardboard boxes and other parcels. He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

As a teacher, I'd agree about the shagging thing. It's mental how much subterfuge and deception goes on. But the funniest thing revolved around a phantom shitter, who produced a turd three feet long and looking remarkably like a dead otter. I was on corridor duty at the time, and received a call over the radio from a hysterical TA about it. I have never laughed as much in my life...

Not realy an office but in the RAF aircraft Electricians are known as K9 fornicators due to a member of the trade getting caught entertaining a dog when he was baby sitting.Even 40ish years on and the name still sticks

Did anyone say 3 Para mortars?

In the nineties my office ran a very large porn distribution network..until the IT manager was sacked.

The day of the sacking my biggest job was talking senior managers through:-

find . -name *.jpg -exec rm -f {} \

Young free and single, my first job out of uni was IT support in a large data entry place. The IT department were the only 4 guys in the whole office with 200+ women. We’d often get calls about phones not working and go and find the phone unplugged, the plugs were under the desk so you had to crawl under to plug it back in. If you were lucky you got a quick flash from one of the younger girls, if you were not so lucky it was a face full of badly packed kebab from one of the older ones. There was a rota for use of the 'stationary' cupboard. After work drinks were always fun as well. I only worked there for a few months, which was probably for the best or I’d have gotten terminal knob rot.

In a later job, I was trying to get a report done so hid away in my bosses office (he was on holiday). I ended up being the last one in the office and was disturbed by the cleaner opening the office door, I was a bit surprised when I turned round and saw that she was starkers, her “oops I thought you were someone else”, me “err, he’s on holiday”, her “well I’m here now”, I always assumed her nickname was hoover because she was the cleaner!

In fairness to 3Para Mortars there were no animals involved but a few liked their bread buttered on both sides, Disclaimer( i was 2 Para) but in the early 80s there were some strange lads in that Platoon, good mortarmen though, ask the Argies.

Currently got a problem with a phantom sh**er. Only 5 of us in the office and someone keeps leaving nuggets in the toilet and not flushing. It's really grim, especially for me as I'm first in the office and use the toilet to change out of my cycling cloths, only to find a little present that's been left to brew overnight!

What makes it worse is I'm 95% sure I've narrowed it down to a girl.

We were building a pilot plant for a large pharmaceutical company and the guy turned up to perform the NDT X-Ray of the pipework welds. Upon getting out of his car on he banged his head on the boot lid and managed to knock himself out... So we rushed out and picked him up to find he was soaking wet from the waist down... as he came round his first words were "Oh bollox my bags burst", he had a colostomy bag and had landed on it!!!! My how we laughed once the ambulance had taken him away... poor sod looked rather sheepish when he came back a week later.

One Xmas during the pipefitters ball we had a stripper in the local pub, who grabbed hold of the project manager (he wasn't even supposed to be there) and ended up with him on all fours having a candle whipped out of his backside... that never got mentioned again (honest) I believe the picture is still on the pin board in said pub.. happy days!

What makes it worse is I'm 95% sure I've narrowed it down to a girl.

Good work Inspector Peuso 😉

My wifes xmas party on thurs evening. Always good for gossip. May even have something new to add to this thread...

My place is dead boring - or so I think!?

The first company I worked with was sort of legendary for all the wrong reasons in our industry - MD who tried to shag every women in the place (got the receptionist pregnant and left his wife for her) - tech support guy who punched a customer out on a night out - IT manager who was using our offices as under the table gaming company at the weekends - very attractive sales lady who's e-mail use went up quickly only for us to find out she was using it to send very, very full on pictures of herself to her boyfriend (sorry no pics). Perhaps the oddest, my first company car had been in a car crash where the ex of one of the sale ladies had died (it had a very strong fabric cleaner small??), nobody told me this when I picked it up and about a week later I wondered why the same lady freaked when I went to pick her up at the airport in the same car.

dannyh - Member

My theory is that whoever was behind this was pre-doing it back at school then transporting the 'goods' in a plastic bag for later use.

[img] [/img]

My place is dead boring - or so I think!?

I thought that, turns out I'm the last person to know anything.

Previous job in a hotel and a parcel arrives addressed to the Night Manager, except that he didn't know that the boss opened all the mail irrespective of who's name was on it...parcel contained a large black strap on.

Great thread. Can't comepete with some of the horror stories, but there was the guy at the salad nursery I had a part time job at aged 15 who got caught cracking one out into a lettuce.

I've never been able to buy an iceberg since.

Oh, and the senior manager at a major ISP who got the sack over child porn.

😯

ended up with him on all fours having a candle whipped out of his backside...

How on earth do you manage to 'end up' in that situation?

Back in the early 90's, a mate & I were working as temps in the Civil Service. One of our joey jobs was to collect stationary orders from the central stationary department. We went in there once and the guy that was in charge was sat at a shredding machine shoving brand new unused envelopes through it. When we asked what he was doing, he said that someone had ordered 50,000 rather than 5,000 envelopes - he hadn't got space to store them and there wasn't a procedure in his book for returning them!

Kind of summed up my experience of my time at the Civil and some of the peoples attitudes that worked there. My mate & I left as soon as we could!

I've a few stories, but there is one which I've never been able to fathom.

We have a fair few sub-contractors working on our sites, they do cleaning, odd jobs etc...

One day one of the lads was asked to do the thankless job of cleaning the mens, urinals, and when I say cleaning I mean unblocking the pipes where all the fat and rubbish from your pee clogs. Trust me this is not a smell you ever want to be exposed to, it is truly horrific.

So the chap tries his best to unblock with no success, so using his intelligence went and fetched some neat caustic to tip into the urinal to help the process, a bit like using bleach but if you aren't aware of what neat caustic does google it.

When the caustic didn't go down the pipe, and hence the pipe hadn't unblocked there was obviously only one solution, to take a short length of hose pipe...stick it in the urinal and try to syphon out the fluid.

What actually happened was he sucked too hard and got a mix of caustic, urine and coagulated fat in his mouth.

To say this is possibly a bad enough punishment for his stupidity is an understatement, but nevertheless he walked and his caustic, pee, fat breath has not been smelt since! 🙄

What actually happened was he sucked too hard and got a mix of caustic, urine and coagulated fat in his mouth.

Threw up slightly 🙁

At uni we did a search of folks favourites to search for unsavoury use of the internet

One person was a devotee - someone who gets sexual gratification from looking at naked amputee victims

My boss sent me off to see him with the words
" tell him he does not have a leg to stand on over his usage"
He could not do it as he said he would just laugh

lank - Oof, steady on. It's lunch time!

At uni we did a search of folks favourites to search for unsavoury use of the internet

Is this a quote off the back of a Chinese T-shirt? lol

[img] [/img]

😀 just grim, eh?!

@ Gunz

(ended up with him on all fours having a candle whipped out of his backside...
How on earth do you manage to 'end up' in that situation?)

Drunk pipefitters can be very persuasive!

An office affair had been going on.

Most people knew who both parties were, some only who the woman was.

Someone who was very prudish and disapproving (and possibly still a virgin albeit he was over 40) was talking to a bloke in our office started talking about office affairs in general in a derisory way whilst making it clear he was talking about this particular one. He finished with 'I don't know why anyone would want to have sex with x, anyway'

Bloke he was talking to (who was the other party to the affair) turned round to him and said;

"Mainly 'cos she really goes for it when I enter her"

and walked out the room.

I've never seen someone go quite so red.

bullheart - Member

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

I used to have a gateway PC 🙁

Northwind - Member

bullheart - Member

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

I used to have a gateway PC

did it have a virus...

IGMC.

[i] I used to have a gateway PC

did it have a virus...

IGMC. [/i]

If only it had been a Siemens.

So close, stw, yet so far.

If it'd been longer ago, he might have been rubbing himself up against my old Wang.

He was found with his pants around his ankles, rutting a Gateway computer box, like a stag...

[i]He was just giving it a hard drive.[/i]

better than a floppy I suppose.