[Closed] dodgy office goings on

better than a floppy I suppose.

3.5" at that.

rutting a Gateway computer box

Those were the ones with the black and white 'cow' print weren't they? not good

3.5" at that.

I hope you didn't see his joystick

Those were the ones with the black and white 'cow' print weren't they? not good

Them's tha ones!

I remember thinking it was very attractive packaging at the time. Maybe it's a case of "there but for the grace of god go I"

Back in 1990, in the depths of an ongoing "E's" and coke binge lifestyle, I was approached in the office by a temp who wanted me to sign her attendance receipt. As this happened, someone at the next desk started to talk to me.

Having just come off my third line of the old marching powder in the toilets (to keep going for the rest of the day after a heavy weekend's clubbing), I got confused and when the temp asked why I was taking so long to sign her chit, blurted out:

"Because I'm out of my ****ing head."

The whole office floor went very quiet...

Those were the ones with the black and white 'cow' print weren't they? not good

I see IT disties get mentioned earlier. I worked for one up until about 10 years ago.

I remember one of the "ladies" I worked with coming to breakfast at the hotel the morning after a customer jolly (where she'd been getting friendly with a customer) saying "The shower just about got his c** out of my hair, but I've forgotten my tooth brush. I've got to go to a meeting with xxx with c** breath".

xxx being one of the biggest software companies in the world.

If this was bad enough her fiance worked for the company and he was at the jolly too 😯

We had another time where a hotel charged soiling fees because one of the women had got so drunk she curled one out in the bed and just left it there the next morning without trying to tidy it up.

At one of my old jobs a guy rode his motorbike up the access ramp to the office and crashed it in to the glass doors, totally smashing them. He then proceeded to eff and blind at the receptionist before throwing his crash helmet across the reception and down the corridor like a bowling ball.

All because someone had parked a car in the motorcycle space in the carpark.

We had a guy start work with us. It was working in publishing, which is legendarily full of absolute piss-heads. On his first week we were out on a post work bender. He was a bit of a lightweight and soon keeled over sideways

One of the girls said he can doss on my sofa, and took him home. When he woke up in the morning, he'd 'grand-slammed', and didn't know where on earth he was! Trouble is, that the person who woke him up was the girls dad, who had full on Alzheimer's, who couldn't tell him where he was either, despite repeated pleas

Oh how we laughed when he got into work

'grand-slammed'

definition?

When your body cleanses itself by evacuation from every orifice

It was a brand new sofa too 😆

definition?

I worked for airbus a few years back. At one stage I was in an office with proper eccentric engineery types. Some were, in the nicest possible way, total wierdos.

Once our office had to be fumigated because of really bad fruit flies. The origin of said flies turned out to be a sizeable compost heap under someones desk! Several months of banana skins and half eaten sandwiches that they'd planned to feed to a pot plant.

This has got to be the basis for a new programe for channel 4 or five, it would be meore popular than x factor.

and if ever i go into the job centre and they say what soprt of job do you want ill just produce a printout of theis thread and say a job at any one of those work places please.

Not an office, but...
My first proper job after uni was in a research pilot plant in Reading, just behind the Bell. The plant operated 24hrs, so lunch break for nightshift tended to be very liquid. We had a sofa in the stock room, which was was used to entertain ladies we'd met in the pub at closing time.

It was hot in there, with lots of steam, so we frequently worked in shorts. One very hairy lad slept on shift, across a bench.
Until we set his leg hair on fire. It stank.

Then there were the fork-lift truck races....
And races over nitrogen tri-iodide crystals we'd brewed up in the lab. It's a detonating explosive, which makes a hell of a bang when hit. We could leave it on the floor in solution, so the dayshift would come in when it was drying.

I can't think why they shut the site down.

I have to say, this is the best thread I think I've ever known on STW - the OP has struck gold here.

This also has the added benefit of getting it back to the top of the forum - where it belongs.

I've been chuckling to myself all day at the thought of a bloke at Gatwick 'rutting a Gateway computer box like a stag'.

I've also picked up a brilliant new euphemism for self-abuse (which I will, of course, use and pass off as my own):

'Roughing up the suspect'

Absolute gold.

Not work related but....

A friend (ahem) had to spend a few months living with the in laws as they were between houses.

Father in law complains of a virus on his PC, friend being in IT was asked to fix.

With in laws and wife stood over his shoulder his first action was to look at browsing history....

Various dodgy sites are listed...."burrito bitches"

Wife slaps friend "what the fxxx you been doing on my dad's computer?!"

Father in law "it's okay, don't worry about it, I think it's okay now....." Quickly grabbing the mouse and closing the browser.....

Still chuckle...

I walked into the staff toilet sometime last year to find a mobile phone left on top of a toilet roll dispenser. It was a smartphone, and not really knowing how to work them at the time, I pressed random things until the screen lit up. I only got a glancing view of it before the screen went dark again. I was sure that I saw the words "sticking her tongue up his arse" written! Presuming that I was mistaken, I managed to unlock the phone and low and behold, a very graphic porn novel on the kindle app appeared. I eventually tracked down the owner and returned his phone-he was very sheepish as I returned it! The worrying part of the tale is that I'm a guitar teacher in a high school and the member of staff was a classroom teacher! Luckily most of the kids were off timetable on school trips that week-its still not great though! Who cracks one out to a porn novel in a school toilet ffs!

Secretary at my old employer was an ugly middle aged woman. At one Christmas do, she leant over and stage whispered in one partner's ear: "I'm thinking of having my fanny taped up so I can only take it up the arse." She also admitted to wanting squrrels to lick her *ahem*! Same party another secretary dropped an E and groped every man (and a few women) there.

Another similar event finished with one of the MILF secretaries back at the office receiving it up the scuttle from one lawyer, whilst another looked on waiting his turn.

Never think lawyers are boring!

been reading this for 2 days thinking i had nothing to add. then i remembered the guy i used to work with...

on a works trip to the 'dam he went off with his camera under his coat taking photos of red light district.

he once got paid some of the lads to help him move house, amongst the boxes they found some photos of him, posing naked with only his tennis racquet 😯 similar ones of his missus by a swimming pool.

even worse were the specialist mags with his wifes photo stuck over the models faces 😆

Father in law "it's okay, don't worry about it, I think it's okay now....." Quickly grabbing the mouse and closing the browser.....

haha, when I used my FiLs laptop at his house one of the sites he'd been looking at was to do with, erm, hairy women...

We were tidying up in the labs one day when we got to a random box. First out was a homemade calendar of porn. Next was a box of photos of someone's trip to Thailand. Complete with ping pong balls and "parties" in a hotel room with 3 naked Thai ladies. Few pics later we understood why he had to pay.....ugly git. Not sure why work was the obvious place to keep them.

And races over nitrogen tri-iodide crystals we'd brewed up in the lab. It's a detonating explosive, which makes a hell of a bang when hit.

What's especially funny is to paint it, when wet, onto the bottom of someone's coffee mug.

Tom B - Member

Who cracks one out to a porn novel in a school toilet ffs!

Seems encouraging, proves he's not using the pupils as inspiration.

supermarket...
married mum mid 20's on checkout having affair with lad who works nights in petrol station..
one night she goes to someones leaving do.. cops with one of the other women who works on the checkouts..
they decide to wind up the lad in the petrol sation who'se locked in the shop by getting down and dirty on the bonnet of a car on the forecourt..
lad loses it big time and necks half a dozen boxes of painkillers before calling police.. who arrive in squad cars and a helicopter!

supermarket...
married mum mid 20's on checkout having affair with lad who works nights in petrol station..
one night she goes to someones leaving do.. cops with one of the other women who works on the checkouts..
they decide to wind up the lad in the petrol sation who'se locked in the shop by getting down and dirty on the bonnet of a car on the forecourt..
lad loses it big time and necks half a dozen boxes of painkillers before calling police.. who arrive in squad cars and a helicopter!

So good he posted it twice!

Not anyone I worked with, but numerous sketchy search histories on customers virus infected PCs. Probably the weirdest was his Google search history was full of 'Amy from Futurama naked" or "Leila Futurama naked", sure there were some Simpson characters in there too 😯

Then there were the fork-lift truck races....

We used to race these things...

[img] [/img]

One day, one of the lads wasn't looking where he was going, slammed it in reverse, and floored it out of a warehouse. He completely flattened a Ford Fiesta parked outside. He barely felt it. The bloke who'd only just parked up his fiesta and walked away from it was a little shook up

Tell you what there are some right dirty women around. Unfortunatly not at the same time as me. 😆

a "friend" was enthusiastically driving the works fiesta van that was used for delivering hire tools from a garage,bodyshop business when he failed to notice a car was waiting to turn right ahead,this resulting in front of fiesta being demolished.There would have been just about enough space to stop if the road hadn't been wet and there was 1/2 a ton of tools in the back.

When reporting what happened to the boss was asked "how fast were you going ?" replied "just under 30,Mr Davies" cue sceptical look from boss who said "we see a lot of crashed cars in here,best say that was your speed when you hit the brakes not when you hit the car"

Week later who should be dealing with his college registration? lady driver of the car he hit

One place I worked, the abusive and presumably recently dumped boyfriend of a lovely girl from the canteen turned up at work armed with a crossbow demanding to see her. Security wouldn't let him in*, a slight scuffle ensued which resulted in the psycho shooting himself in the foot before the coppers arrived.

* they were fat middle aged blokes used to sitting around all day asking to see badges, but to be fair they had it where it counted

Great thread.
Worked as a glss collector at a large holiday camp in the south west when i was 15, the bar manageress used to like catching you and rubbing her rather enormous breasts up against all the young men, usually in full view of the rest of the staff.
In the RAF Police first posting on nights, spent the night being "look out" while sergeant nicked led from various places to make fishing weights.
Later as a taxi driver, some hilarious incidents working in a small town, but one of the best was dropping a regular off with his new lady friend, he'd all but s****d her on the back seat, said, you can come and join us if you want! I didn't.
Said Taxi business was based in large fishing port, when pickeing up the crew form Liverpool, after riots in Liverpool, they were offering up TVs at discountted rates, and after trawler refits in Holland you would be offered speed balls instead of cash paymnents.

Was working in a church installing projectors as the priest was going all interactive with his mass, he even has it set up to stream online. He asked us to sort out a few telephone lines and move a broadband router in the parochial house and when setting up the computer I typed in the address bar www.g thinking google would come up in the history I was surprised to see a long list of gay porn sites. I told the lads I worked with some believed me some didn't and about 4 years later he literally made a cockup infront of primary school children and parents.
Link here www.independent.ie/lifestyle/blue-murder-the-priest-a-stolen-laptop-and-gay-porn-3100936.html

docstar - that article is surely made up?! Termon****in? Plunkett? It's straight out of Father Ted, surely?!

Funny thread..

It seems we’ve all got stories of “back in the day” moments.

Here’s mine:

Back in the early 90’s I was Ops Mgr for a big Construction/Shopfitting company and my two bosses saw fit to land me with the job of choosing and handing out redundancies to employees as a downturn in the industry was in full force.
So I chose the employees, hard as it was some were easy targets, and then proceeded to call them all in one by one and hand over either good or bad news..
Of the 52 I had to let go, 11 physically threatened me and my family, 2 turned up at my house with spray cans and seemed quite happy to daub my walls with “scum” 1 actually pulled me over the desk and punched me in the face breaking my front tooth, someone slashed my tyres (company car) and 1 sobbed so loudly I had to call in my secretary to calm him down. We had vans vandalised, wood and materials nicked, tools of other employees stolen even machinery butchered.. One lad lit a fire in the skip and threw thinners all over it..
When times were good, they were very good indeed, when they were bad it was desperate.

Back in the early 90’s I was Ops Mgr for a big Construction/Shopfitting company and my two bosses saw fit to land me with the job of choosing and handing out redundancies to employees as a downturn in the industry was in full force.
So I chose the employees, hard as it was some were easy targets, and then proceeded to call them all in one by one and hand over either good or bad news..
Of the 52 I had to let go, 11 physically threatened me and my family, 2 turned up at my house with spray cans and seemed quite happy to daub my walls with “scum” 1 actually pulled me over the desk and punched me in the face breaking my front tooth, someone slashed my tyres (company car) and 1 sobbed so loudly I had to call in my secretary to calm him down. We had vans vandalised, wood and materials nicked, tools of other employees stolen even machinery butchered.. One lad lit a fire in the skip and threw thinners all over it..
When times were good, they were very good indeed, when they were bad it was desperate.

Surprised they didn't offer you a presence from security just in case!

I was fired once from a telesales job (which i hated), I wondered why there were two big guys from the warehouse stood outside the salesmanagers office when I was called in. The guy was all stuttery and nervous (he was quite a small nerdy guy, but then I wasn't particularly intimidating I don't think), I think he was a bit surprised when I just said "oh, ok. see you then".

worked on a number of sites where similar to the above has gone down.

one set of sparkies got booted off site so had a mad 20 minute dash round cutting out everything they had installed over the last few months.

another set (not sure which trade - different site) unbolted a load of scaffolding supports on their way out and sent an innocent lad crashing down 3 stories or so and straight into casualty.

diff guys again (and diff site) got pissed off with a fella (think he was some kind of building control man or maybe a manufacturer - was very picky and would regularly come down and make them redo anything with the slightest issue)...
anyway, while he was on a diff bit of site they hopped up to his car in the multistorey opposite and built a rather neat U-shaped breeze block wall all the way around the back of it. then went home.

I’ve got a few stories about the Shopfitters who used to stay onsite whilst working, but they just rotate around Drugs/Wiminz/Blokes/Booze/Mess/Long nights etc... and you can reorder those in anyway you wish but the stories end up the same.
Apart from one, which was about an apprentice Shopfitter, young lad, and an onsite visit with said “experienced” shopfitters, a nail gun, some silkaflex, rope, hanging hooks off a ceiling, masonry paint and a visit from one of our Customers who’d popped into the shop to see how things were going.
“Christ” I think his words were.. seems they’d nailed the lad to a cross, hung him from the ceiling naked except covered in paint.
We couldn’t sack the “experienced” shopfitters, they were just so damn good at turning jobs around quickly and blooming well on time.

We fitted out MeddowHell BTW..back in the day.

@ instant hit- I was RAF Police 89 - 95
Classic was during a fence patrol, myself and mu colleague came across a section of fence violently swaying to and fro, fearing someone was trying to climb over we carried on along the fence only to come across a young lady known locally as "Peter Beardsley" due to her good looks. being pleasured from behind. The force of their action causing the fence to sway....
The chap who was caught one weekend plaesuring himself against the Station Commanders Curtains....
Crime wise- loads of funny stuff..
A chap who was caught shoplifting on a ferry comming back from Ireland , he was an RAF employee, threw himself off the ferry into the dock as it was docking to avoid capture
Two WRAF fighting over a chap in their accomodation block, when we arrived they were starkers, so we took our time dealing with that incident... 🙂

a police officer i knew, said his superintendant who was a nasty petty man, had just been charged with drink driving by his own officers a few weeks after he retired from work, moral was dont ever upset the junior ranks as they still have the law to help them get even.

only to come across a young lady known locally as "Peter Beardsley" due to her good looks

Quality!!! 😆

I really don't want this thread to ever stop... It's slowing down now though 🙁

“Christ” I think his words were.. seems they’d nailed the lad to a cross, hung him from the ceiling naked except covered in paint.

A similar fate befell a colleague of mine. The lads from the warehouse jumped him, stripped him, shrink-wrapped him to a pallet, then hoisted the pallet right up to the top of the warehouse and left him there.

At the same place, as I used to read the Guardian, as opposed to the Sport (and therefore some kind of puff), I could never read the paper without someone sneaking up under the table and setting fire to it as I was reading. This (somewhat inevitably) got out of hand and led to the locker room burning down