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A good few years ago my manager took a sababtical and we got a tempory manager instead.
One day I couldnt get into the office as there was a chair wedged under the door handle . He manoevered it out the way and was blithering on about it being used for a meeting .
He was out the door within a week for downloading pron and forgetting to clear the history .
I worked in an independent sport shop on Saturdays/school holidays when I was still at school. As part of a shopping centre we had a lift behind the shop to take us up to the lock up areas and staff toilets shared by other shops.
The boss regularly came back into the shop and tell us (his words) "some filthy f*cker has Harry Monked up the toilet cubicle door again".
Trouble is no one else ever saw any Harry Monk (or anything else that could be construed to be it) on the cubicle doors. So we think he used to go up there and crack one out.
My mate works at an insurance company in Ipswich where the disabled toilets are regularly used for 'monkey's fag breaks'.
TheArtistFormerlyKnownAsSTR - Member
I know a chap through work......who chopped his wife's head off!
True story - I've known of him for a number of years, but he now works at a company I used to work for. Caught her in bed with another fella and flipped. Did time for it, but a lenient sentence for a 'crime of passion'.
That's scary so do I, guess there must be more than one person who has chopped his wife's head off!!
I think it was my first ever Christmas do and one guy decided to hammer the bar. As sure as night follows day he got legless and was asked by the restaurant owner to leave.
They called him a taxi and asked him to wait on the village green. When he was collected by the taxi he was so drunk he couldn't remember his address. The unsympathetic taxi driver then drove him to the local nick as he was promptly arrested. He wasn't sacked.
Turns out the guy had a drink problem and dropped down dead a year or so later.
The IT Director at a previous company sent an e-mail round asking who had been trying to access an escort agency website called "Northern Angels". Turns out it was the MD!
Back in the sport shop, we used to have walkie talkies so we could request anyone in the lock up to send down trainers/football boots down in the lift for customers to try on..... We quite often used to take them to the toilet with us and keep the button pressed so that we broadcast us going to the loo to any customers in the shop - embarassing whoever was carrying a walkie talkie.
That's scary so do I, guess there must be more than one person who has chopped his wife's head off!!
Don't be ridiculous! How many heads do you think his wife has?
I used to work at a 'bistro' in Bolton when I was a student. Seemed respectable but turns out local 'hards' used to frequent alng with the men that 'ran' the local doormen (before it was regulated).
(someone turned up with a double barrel one night when I wasnt working at 3am when it had shut and loosed off a couople of rounds whilst staff still there)
One night I was cleaning up at 2.30am and some fella's turned up. Club was snow empty and basically what proceeded was an organised fist fight between our new bouncer and one of this group, with the dancefloor as a makeshift ring. Was told in no uncertain terms, to keep out of the way "it'll be over soon" - I was 17 and shit miself.
There was a couple in my work that had a baby together, the baby looked a little bit Latin, representatives from the Brazilian Navy had been in work around 9 months previously.....
Then there was the guy that built a kit car whilst 'working' on nightshift.
And, of course, the girl that ended up on youporn
Girl from IT was caught in a cupboard with 2 blokes from another office. To her enormous credit, once the rumour mill was at full tilt she pitched in "Well <first guy> gave it his best effort, but he had to get reinforcements, so really it was just like having one actual man".
I know a girl thats been an escort and been in razzle. Nowt to do with work mind and knew her as a teenager before any of this happened.
@ stevewhyte - his name isn't Frank is it by any chance?
Not exactly work related, but I live on a Main Road with traffic lights right outside my house and one morning I opened my bedroom curtains to see a double decker bus outside stopped at the lights.
A young lad on the top deck was having a good old Barclays Bank looking out of the windows at the young lady in the car behind 😯
What's the dodgiest thing you've seen/heard at work?
A chap in a dark field roughing up the suspect. With his other arm elbow deep in a pony.
(Wasn't a colleague though, so might not count).
Previous job I was in, one of the senior staff suddenly disappeared, and I found out that he'd been sent packing, instant dismissal, after he was seen spanking the monkey at his desk in the main office upstairs, one of those sort of open plan with shoulder-high dividers. 😯
Nobody could quite understand just what he was thinking... 😉
Again, thinking back through the years there are quite a few.
During my time at the Head Office of a major retailer there was a girl who was engaged to be married to a copper, but was having illicit shags in the bogs and changing rooms of the staff shop with some bloke in IT. She was also extremely friendly with another girl who she just brought along randomly to someone's leaving do - despite the fact her fiance was there. He just looked defeated by the whole thing.
Where I am currently, one of the IT lads got caught on the CCTV getting noshed off by one of the rough-arse warehouse women at a summer barbecue.
Don't shit where you eat!
I must say, top marks to the OP - one of the best threads in ages. Well done!
I heard this just today.
Chap sends raunchy email to colleague with final 'and don't tell HR ha ha!' comment. Silly twit then accidently CC'd Director of HR. He was walked off the site when he turned up for work the next day.
A customer of mine who is a manager for a telecoms company was up until very recently a pron star, a good few if the office lads had seen her work.
My favourite is at a fancy dress day for comic relief our ex office manger glasses a salesman...whilst she was dressed as a cockroach...because he wouldn't pay his fancy dress fee. She no longer works here...
Not really dodgy but funny nonetheless...
There were three DC's in the office on some mundane enquiry when the conversation turned to what they did to get their respective wives turned on. As the conversation turned bluer, big Craig, who isn't the sharpest knife in the drawer, pipes up with
"If I want to turn Sandra on I just reach between her legs and tickle her scrotum"
He spent the next five minutes getting increasingly angry and shouting 'What's so f kin funny?" as the other two rolled around on the floor.
"Craig, do you know what a scrotum is?"
"It's the bit between her fanny and her arse"
"No you retard, your scrotum is your ballbag".
They had to run away then before he killed one of them.
An entirely true story.
No it's not frank.
A girl who worked at the next desk to me had an affair with one of our HGV drivers. They were like a couple of teenagers, her more than him to be honest. There was no shame and she used to almost waltz around the place. She told her husband and two kids she was leaving the life of 2.4 children for a new life with her driver friend. He on the other hand got cold feet and decided to call the whole thing off and stay with his wife.
oh my lord...!!! 😯
I now understand the true meaning of the saying [i]"hell hath no fury like a woman scorn".[/i] She was an absolute nightmare for years after that and I mean years.
Many, many years ago I worked in a pub ran by a Canadian chap and his wife.
Came in to work one Sunday lunch to find the pub crawling with rozzers..."under age drinkers?? I asked, the reply, "no mate, we've arrested your boss, he has been running a brothel upstairs for the last 6 months"
Bar steward never even offered me any freebies!..
I work in education, the amount of shagging that goes on is amazing. Almost half the staff are on their second marriges and all to members of staff who they worked with. The stories are off the chart.
every school and hospital ward in the land
teachers and nursing staff are without a doubt the worst offenders when it comes to shagging in the work place
A) employees shagging each other In the toilets
B) employees shagging each other on the MD's office couch (those two were encouraged to leave
C) employee caught doing lines in the toilet
D) someone left a poo balanced on the large pipe at the back of a toilet once
E) food theft from the fridge
F) fighting
G) one bloke turned up pissed at 10am and stood on his desk, dropped his cacks and set fire to his pubes, that was funny.
Had an italian car sales man where I used to work , he was about to put the " car of the week " on the 6 foot ramp , when I asked him if he could drive an automatic ? Offended at me casting doubt at his red blooded Italian driving skills , he jumped in the car floors it and launched off the end of the ramp with the car going full throttle , cleared a good 10 foot dukes of Hazard style and wrote the car off and a Chinese take away sign as well !!! Apparently his foot got stuck going for the clutch that obviously wasn't there !!!
Just another kray-zee day at HMRC eh, kryton....
Guy where I used to work spent a lot of time on the phone speaking to an (unknown) lady. That is, having 'phone sex' with her. This is an open plan office.
One day he asks her to 'wipe herself with a tissue'. Couple of days later he had mail. You guessed it....
He was known for openly surfing porn but our IT bods must have been clueless as that was never 'found'.
He was ultimately caught bang to rights - a colleague spots him surfing. Sends message to the team boss to go out of the office and come back via the other stairs, bringing him out right behind our man...
We also had the 'Phantom Shiter'. He would always use the same cubicle, same floor, leaving a truly disgusting mess pretty much every day...
Too many stories of drink, drugs and 'who was sh*gging' who at sales conferences.
Ah, the good old days...
Two directors of one of my former employers left their respective partners, and took up residence in the flat above the office.
One day the cleaners reported that the mirrors in the lift had been damaged. Security reviewed the CCTV of the lift and discovered how they came to be broken - they'd been recreating the scene from the Stud.
Given that one of the directors had arranged for the CCTV to be installed in the first place, they both left the company due to blatant stupidity!
Back in the sport shop, we used to have walkie talkies so we could request anyone in the lock up to send down trainers/football boots down in the lift for customers to try on..... We quite often used to take them to the toilet with us and keep the button pressed so that we broadcast us going to the loo to any customers in the shop - embarassing whoever was carrying a walkie talkie.
My girlfriend makes documentaries. She works alone, shooting and doing her own sound. You have two sound channels on the camera and two wireless mics. She was filming in a rough old pub in Glasgow and while she was filming one guy another had wandered off still mic'd up, so while she was shooting she had the sound of someone have a pretty bad time of it in the gents in her earphones.
We also had the 'Phantom Shiter'. He would always use the same cubicle, same floor, leaving a truly disgusting mess pretty much every day...
always love the employee with shit issues. 'dirty protest' as Alan Partridge would say
rickmeister - Member
Just another kray-zee day at HMRC eh,
I don't work for hmrc....?
Have worked in some pretty mental sales offices in my earlier career - hourly call stat KPIs, no seats, miss your KPI and then have to hold the only chair in the office above your head for the next 15 minutes while you carry on pitching. Drop it and get sacked.Bosses nicking leads and keeping the commission on deals.
Physical punchups between sales reps to get the best leads (deliberately put out to several to create a dog eat dog culture).
Plenty of IT disties, e.g Ideal, had that kind of rep in the 90s. A hangover from the yuppie/Loadsamoney era IMO. Likewise plenty of to55ers in high places.
We also had the 'Phantom Shiter'. He would always use the same cubicle, same floor, leaving a truly disgusting mess pretty much every day
We had one of those at school. We had to walk a good 15 minutes to get to our playing field for rugby on a Friday afternoon. We'd get changed, go out, play rugby in the freezing cold, come back in to get changed and nearly every week someone would shout 'uuuuurrrrgh' as they found the phantom's work.
The teachers started locking the changing rooms when we all outside playing rugby, but the phantom continued to strike - and was never caught. My theory is that whoever was behind this was [u]pre-doing[/u] it back at school then transporting the 'goods' in a plastic bag for later use.
Either that or it was one of the teachers..............
Obviously someone with 'issues', but they became a school legend!
Mrs. S worked at a college some years back. A security guard had a habit of disconnecting the flush mechanism in the ladies' toilets, waiting for a customer and then seizing the unflushed stool to add to a growing collection in his locker. He was fired after a surveillance operation fingered him. Eugh.
On a works night out, a lady I work with went back to her house with the (married with 3 children) senior manager whereby he promptly boffed her in the back door that night and in the morning.
This thread is getting strangely arousing...
Rob2. Just to clarify - was that AT the back door or IN?
I worked at an IT company that only had one PC for all the sales staff to use. Someone changed the screensaver image to a photo from steakandcheese.com involving an oriental lady (in a bath) with an unsanitary aproach to waste disposal... Just so happened to be the day the board of directors (including Lord Keneth Baker ) had their annual walk through the office. Unsurprisingly the politician wasn't shocked when he saw it..
I had a brief description of 'standard operating practice when confronted with a bored housewife' from a mate who is a postie and his boss who is one of my other mate's dad.
When I expressed surprise that posties could still do all that shagging and still get the round done on time, the boss said
"There's no foreplay. As soon as you hear the words 'my husband doesn't understand me', you bend em over, whip their pants down and do the biz there and then".
And they have the gall to put the price of stamps up with all these extra perks!
Derek - IN 🙂
Used to work in an open plan office with little cubicles. There was only one phone, in the corner, for the whole room. The token older bloke used it to chat with the women he'd found on various adult 'dating' sites. He also used to get mail from mail order Russian bride companies - how do we know this? He told us, in great detail.
After some complaints he was encouraged to work from home more.
On a works night out, a lady I work with went back to her house with the (married with 3 children) senior manager whereby he promptly [b]boffed her in the back door that night and in the morning.[/b]
I'm not sure if you mean they had sex on the back porch of her house or thats a euphinsim? Please clarify for entertainment purposes?
Edit too late. bumsex eh....
Just to clarify he got his brown wings 🙂 twice
This has to be one of the best threads of the year.