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I've yet to [remember] meet[ing] any old people who don't want kids. Could you shout out if you're in that category so I can be corrected.
Didn't want kids when I was old enough to understand, didn't want them in my 20s or 30s, still don't want them in my 40s (although I'm not thinking/ feeling old). Some people, really just don't want them.
Trimix,
How old are you?
cheers
Fixed school holidays are utter utter ****.
Whilst I can see that they can be inconvenient, I can't really see any other way around it without causing massive disruption to the classroom. You appear to accept other compromises when it comes to having kids so why not this one?
No.
Never really gave it any serious consideration in previous relationships (mostly in 20s), partly because 2 partners had young kids already. Kind of 'believed' it would happen when the time was right. Well, that time arrived 3 years ago and we now have the most amazing junior monkey boy.
Like others (parents) have said already, they can test/challenge you like nothing else but the rewards are on another level altogether.
IME things like riding (lots) will most likely go out the window as will other things. Wouldn't have it any other way though.
My tuppence: listen to the opinions of those who have kids more so than those that don't. IMO there is no way the latter can possibly identify with what it's like to be the former.
Oh yeah, the cost of childcare ... if one of you is happy to stay at home and/or you have the support of family/friends then you may well keep this to a minimum. But one of you needs (or chooses) to work and you have no support network, then expect to pay IRO of £500/month (oop north) or more than double that darn sarf for M-F. And that will often be per-child!
Tazzy I had a similar experience. Around about age 11 for the youngest I suddenly "got" it and what being a dad was all about. I hope you have the same revelation while your child is still young enough for you to have an ample time period to do things together.
The youngest is now in the throws of leaving for university and I am crushed by the impending loss of a good friend I see every day and get on very well with. He is an outstanding young man and I am glad he is my son.
He is an outstanding young man and I am [s]glad[/s] [b]proud[/b] he is my son.
Always wanted to have kids by 30. Was lucky enough to fulfill this ambition. I'm from a young family, and I wanted my children to benefit from this. It doesn't stop my now teenager dropping me on the downhills 😆 .
38 here and want kids. So does my wife. Several years of trying later and we've had no luck.
It's really quite tough seeing/hearing about people that have got pregnant at the drop of a hat to be honest. We're not giving up on the idea, but it's very tough on our relationship sometimes.
With you there Willard - took us IVF to get our girls and the pain we had before it happened was awful at times with some of our friends dropping all over the place like Monty Python characters (get that will you Deirdre). But have the hope it can happen at any time - I could bore you with several stories we have heard from other friends whose chances had been written off yet conceived naturally.
Spacemonkey: listen to the opinions of those who have kids more so than those that don't. IMO there is no way the latter can possibly identify with what it's like to be the former.
That's a bit like doing a survey on whether people like Marmite or not but only allowing people with Marmite in their cupboards to take part (ie people who like Marmite). Of course people with Kids will generally think it's a good idea to have kids. That's why they had them. The people who don't think it's a good idea generally didn't.
I'm 28 and want kids, 2 of my close friends have just had kids and my brother has just had his first - seeing them has really made we want one for the first time in my life.
However they all earn more than me and I can't see me and the missus being able to afford a kid without stretching ourselves to breaking point. My other worry is that ,as much I want a child, I'm fairly sure the world is going to go tits up within my lifetime let alone my child's, I genuinely think this recession is a drop in the ocean of what will come in the not-too-distant future. I'm seriously questioning if that is a world i want to bring a new life into. Glass half full and all that 😉
they all earn more than me and I can't see me and the missus being able to afford a kid
People MUCH MUCH poorer than you raise kids successfully.
I'm fairly sure the world is going to go tits up within my lifetime let alone my child's
Perhaps your child will be the genius that sorts it out?
@thegeneralist: yep, I know it's a bit of a generalisation but the point I'm illustrating is that IMO non-parents (most or indeed all?) can't possibly know what it's like to be a parent.
Put aside arguments such as "I'm 25y years old and have had to look after my younger brother for 15 years because dad walked out and mum is too unwell to look after us ..." or "All my friends have kids so I know what it's like" or "I babysit evey Fri night for my mate down the road" etc.
The bond between parent and child is unlike anything else I know of. Hence I can't see how that can be mimicked in any way. Sure, there's the "everyday" stuff that most people can chew over. And I've nothing against anyone who doesn't want kids - unless they believe kids are worthless/a pain/too much hassle etc.
I'm just saying that to know what it's like to be a parent kind of requires speaking to parents.
My other worry is that ,as much I want a child, I'm fairly sure the world is going to go tits up within my lifetime let alone my child's, I genuinely think this recession is a drop in the ocean of what will come in the not-too-distant future. I'm seriously questioning if that is a world i want to bring a new life into
I too believe the world, or at least the UK, will spiral downward for another generation or so before grabbing hold of anything that offers some kind of resurrection. I'm taking re economic, social and educational issues predominantly. I'm also kind of scared about the what monkey jnr is going to experience once he too starts school. As a firm believer in "Education begins at home" I'm hoping I can do my bit.
M-F. Been there, doing that right now. Been through two full cycles so far and one half cycle. All failures so far with either miscarriages or just not taking.
The strain that this has put on our relationship is mind-numbing and, in some ways, continues to be a burden to us even though we are not going through a cycle right now. It's something that we both want really badly, but this is testing us to the limit.
Hence why I am upset with people that seem to drop sprogs at the drop of a hat.
I know it's a bit of a generalisation but the point I'm illustrating is that IMO non-parents (most or indeed all?) can't possibly know what it's like to be a parent.
All you'll get from doing that is confirmation bias, afterall there is pressure from society in general to say that you don't regret having kids. I've never met anyone who says "I regret having kids" but as unpalletable as it may sound, I simply cannot believe that there are no parents anywhere in the UK that do not think this.
The other mistake you are making is the corollary of your own argument, afterall no parent can know what it is to go through life without having kids and all the joys and opportunities that that choice brings.
What gets me is how much it messes with your head - I'm much more risk-adverse than I was before the thing was born, which annoys me.
And then there's the little stuff - like I recently found myself in the veg aisle of Waitrose, singing "small potato, small potato" to myself without realising it 😉
A friend once got up in an important meeting with a client and announced "Daddy go wee-wee now".
@gonefisin: I should have iterated that I was aiming at the "What's it like to be a parent?" side of things. Likewise the other side of the coin is more for the non-parents because of the reason you stated.
Liam Gallagher summed it up for me when he said -
"People who've got any soul will realise that there's a day when you go home and put your feet up and cuddle your kids. If anyone slags it off, they've either got no heart or they don't know what the meaning of life is."
I’m going to be a double aunt this winter thanks to a 100% pregnancy rate amongst my sister-in-laws – my brother’s wife is due to drop her sprog at Christmas, and t’husband’s sister is due in February.
My brother and his wife have been trying for years – she had nephew number one in a previous relationship when she was 18, and my brother adopted him. They wanted another child, but over the years it ended in several miscarriages and three ectopic pregnancies, which ended up with her tubes being removed. They turned to IVF and fortunately dropped lucky first time, which is awesome as they’ve been through so much to get there. My other sister-in-law decided with her boyfriend to start a family, despite the fact they were both still doing their masters degree and have never lived together and hadn’t started their careers. 😛 They thought it would take a year or two because she’d been on the pill, and they’d read that it takes a long time to conceive after coming off it. Instead, INSTA-PREGGERS!
But yeah, I’m totally up for the role of mad aunt. Going to get those sprogs mountain biking, gaming, and listening to Slayer. I’ve also taken up knitting in order to create a series of humiliating hats.
I've never met anyone who says "I regret having kids" but as unpalletable as it may sound, I simply cannot believe that there are no parents anywhere in the UK that do not think this.
Ah, you've not met my mother then! 😀
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I've never met anyone who says "I regret having kids" but as unpalletable as it may sound, I simply cannot believe that there are no parents anywhere in the UK that do not think this.
you should get a job in a bar, a psychiatric unit or the bank. when people's defences are down or they're getting money out to pay for childcare it's amazing how honest some people will be 😯
i've met people who have said they love their kids but if they could turn back the clock they would choose to remain childless. Actually had a lot of respect for them as I suspect many would never voice it.
you should get a job in a bar, a psychiatric unit or the bank. when people's defences are down or they're getting money out to pay for childcare it's amazing how honest some people will be
i've met people who have said they love their kids but if they could turn back the clock they would choose to remain childless. Actually had a lot of respect for them as I suspect many would never voice it
These kinds of people are a bit wrong..
QED.
Reckon it's a good thing that these days people don't feel under pressure to start a family if they don't honestly want one.
i've met people who have said they love their kids but if they could turn back the clock they would choose to remain childless. Actually had a lot of respect for them as I suspect many would never voice it.
That's how I feel and am actually quite embarrassed to admit to it. I'm proud of the way I embraced motherhood despite not expecting to be able to have children so consequently I was mentally unprepared for it.
Now my 'kids' are in their 20s and suspect one wants kids, the other doesn't. One thing's for sure though - don't ask me to babysit cos the answer will be no, I've got a bike to ride!
OP here again,just back from 5hr ride(yeah,that won't be happening 🙂 in the future)
Interesting to hear peoples comments/thoughts.I've chatted to my friends(with/without kids)I always feel that their comments are tempered by knowing me/SO and not wanting to upset me,which given that we've been friends for 30+ years surprises me.
Given that I'm financially ok,we've got family near and some of the posters have overcome the concerns I have just got to start talking to SO now.
Oh and I'm surprised I haven't been told to mtfu,must be a first for Singletrack.
MTFU.
HTH
KTHXBAI
The idea that you have to put the rest of your life on hold for several years amazes me. Yes, we cut down on some activities, but I only really got into cycling after my daughter arrived.
GrahamS,
KTHXBAI??? now what could that mean
"People who've got any soul will realise that there's a day when you go home and put your feet up and cuddle your kids. If anyone slags it off, they've either got no heart or they don't know what the meaning of life is."
think I may have found my heart after looking hard, but it turned out to be a winegum with some fluff stuck to it at the bottom of my camel back.
meaning of life? hahahahahahahahaha born into a cack uncaring universe, exist a bit, die alone....that's it folks.
Spacemonkey, pride is not the thing, I am happy he is mine.
Wasn't bothered by the idea of kids, just at some indeterminate point in the future.
Suddenly MCTD Jnr was on the way, when I was working full time and studying part time for a degree - far from ideal. Created all sorts of problems.
But once he arrived, I didn't regret him for a moment. Managed another one 3 years later, lost a couple along the way too.
Only started riding again after the kids came along. Sometimes wish I'd finished my degree first and maybe got a career back on track, sometimes wished we'd had them earlier. Certainly don't regret having them.
But lord, it can be hard work!
Funny how some of you lot planned kids... Or had some idea about kids even before you met MrsRight*
It never crossed my mind having kids, as said 1stSO was into kids, we'd bought a house, I'd a cracking career and was riding for a team, couldn't think anything would be better than that. But funny how your partners change when they see their mates having kids.. It happened to me, all around mates were having kids and the inevitable questions arose..
My sister set out from the very beginning to have 4, and 4 she had all within 4 years.
Mad eh.
Reckon it's a good thing that these days people don't feel under pressure to start a family if they don't honestly want one.
I agree with this. I've never understood the "selfish" part about people who choose not to have kids either. I think that comes from insecure parents more than anything else.
I was always ambivalent about children, then my daughter arrived by accident. I worry a bit that I'm not a natural parent but I'm hoping to grow into the role. It's not a lack of love, a lightbulb goes off in my head every time I picture my daughters face. I just feel a bit awkward and directionless sometimes. As mentioned, the first 3 months were definitely the hardest thing I've ever experienced. I'm not sure I felt regret though, just disbelief at how everyone else appeared to cope without going mental.
Would I go back and make different choices? Only in terms of timing, I can't imagine a world without my family would be a better place for me.
I didn't want any, Mrs Sox wanted FOUR......so we compromised and had three. Wouldn't be without the silly buggers now (24,22 and 19). 😀
I didnt really want one. Love shagging though. I suppose the invention of contraception meant you had to choose but from an evolutionary perspective men didnt need to choose as i dont think i'm alone in loving shagging. Got a kid now, he means more to me than i could even consider expressing in words. Funny thing evolution.
Well can't speak as a proper dad, as seed isn't mind, but here are my pence.
Met the SO more than 3 years ago, with no intention whatsoever to get involved in a long term relationship or having kids. However the package was SO + 3 year old wimpy one.
So I dealt with it. I learn one thing, I am just not ready to be a dad. Don't get me wrong. I love th wee one to bits. He's certainly a wimp, but he's caring, compassionate very sensitive and very impertinent (too much for his own good). I know that deep down I'll always b number two (both for the SO and for him) but it doesn't stop me to do my best to love them both, and if there is one thing kids do well with being demanding little ****ers, is return the love you gave to them.
GrahamS,
KTHXBAI??? now what could that mean
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http://knowyourmeme.com/memes/kthxbai
I'm not getting too deeply into this thread but at 45 my wife me the NHS and some poor quality porn combined to produce crankbrat . It has been 13 months of utter joy sleep deprivation and crushing responsibility since he came into the world. Having a child completely changes your world there is nothing wrong or selfish in choosing not to but biology and evolution are powerful drivers and when we got ours my values and needs changed totally.
First day back at pre-school today...
Me - so did you meet all the new little boys and girls?
My girls - yes
Me - did you ask them their names?
My girls - yes
Me - what did they tell you?
My girls - their names
🙂
From a very young age I knew I wanted kids. Now I have 2 I'm not so sure 😆
These kinds of people are a bit wrong..
you don't have kids do you..?
😆
Yes always wanted them. Don’t get me wrong there was still a lot of soul searching before we actually decided to go for it, but then its amazing how thinking you may not be able to have them after all makes you finally sure. Even then though, first words on getting the +test were “oh sh1t what have we done”. He’s 2 tomorrow and it has been the absolute best 2 years of my life by a long long way. I haven’t ever had such an intensity of emotion about anything before, I have laughed more and cried more in the last 2 years than the rest of my life put together I reckon.
IMO it’s something you need to be completely honest about though and if your decision is that you don’t want them, be prepared for your relationship to be over. I know plenty of women who have split up with partners because they want children and partners didn’t.
My son's Mum has never let me forget the magical moment when she told me she was pregnant.
My horrified response was, "are we keeping it?".
I'm quite glad we kept 'it' now though.
mrsflash,that's the place we're heading to at the moment 🙁
But we're determined not to let the hurt of losing each other outweigh the far bigger decision,lot of stuff to be talked through and that's assuming that we can have children.