MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Or my ex.
Long post but I've no where else to really discuss this
We have young children together so there's usually a daily communication of one sort or another to arrange things but I try to keep this to a minimum
It wasn't really until our children (twins) had arrived that I saw this side of my ex's personality, they have an incredibly short fuse which potentially has the ability to progress into violence, insecure in some ways and they will never admit they're wrong and maintain this level of perfection by pushing the blame for anything that does not go their way onto someone else (me) it's been a lot easier since I've moved out as I have my own space but their behaviour is just starting to make me anxious about everything in lots of ways, we've been split around 6 months
Before the children our relationship was very hot/cold - on/off, children didn't seem a possibility at the time for medical reasons but low and behold they did happen, which I'm very grateful for but having my own parents split when I was young always made me want to bring my children up in a solid parenting environment, which this is very much not, seperation should be a more level playing field but before the children came I lent my ex £5k so we could pay off their credit card and not have to pay that off while on a reduced dual income, they are since refusing to pay it back and are paying it back by covering childcare on a Wednesday (I do Fri PM) as we both wanted to reduce the childcare fees - not something I'd have agreed to when lending it, it was meant to be paid back over a long term and if we'd stayed together I'd have just forgotten about it as it's part of the relationship
As they are primary carer they have to be in the house every night as the kids are there but this was forseeable when we split and should have been a bit of an incentive to make it work, I now go over on a weekend night every month or so to allow them to visit friends so I'm showing some willing on my part
So yeah, I just don't interact with people like this day to day, what's the best way to take this forward? If you just bow down everytime you'll just lose all confidence, but arguing back just leads to, well more horrible arguments
I do worry about the mental aspect it'll have on the children with any mistake being massively jumped on and the language used, they'd never treat the children in the same way but what will they expect of people in the wider world? it's bound to give them anxiety issues long term
are you married? how old are your twins now? where are you living now? 3 bed house? pokey 1 bed flat?
not that thats toooo relevant but just trying to get a better picture.
i know if this was me i'd (secretly) write off the 5k, unless they want to repay it youve pretty much no chance of getting it back as legal fees would swallow that up plus all the bad feeling. of course you can mention it from time to time, but just accept you may never see it again.
apart from that, just be a good dad, try and give the kids some stability with regular visits, days out etc. youre perfectly correct, dont bow down to any further pressures from your ex, youre coming from a stable setup yourself now, these are the boundaries and you wont be pulled from pillar to post.
a firm 'no' with no further discussion a few times and they'll eventually realise you cant be taken for a ride any more.
i know that may be difficult at first, i had that with my ex if we fell out, i wasnt allowed to see the kids as my 'punishment' but i just sighed, didnt argue, dodged the flying hairbrushes and walked away knowing that itd change again in a week or so. and it did. not good, but you can only do what you can do.
i get that youre worried about the mental aspect itll all have on the kids, but kids are resilient and as they grow up theyll work it out for themselves.
TLDR: dont be a walkover to your ex, and give the kids a stable, happy time whilst theyre with you and theyll love spending time with you.
best of luck.
Not sure what the picture is, you say them/they/etc so is this just you and her, or is she in a relationship?
How old are the twins, is she bringing them up alone, so pretty much stressed to the limit, is the one night a month you come over to look after them enough, or is there more she's after from you in terms of parenting, or does she have a decent support network already (family/friends) that could end up limiting your access?
So many things can influence this, if this was a case of twins that are one or under then the stress would be huge, i know married couples who struggled and they had parents and siblings helping them, it's a hell of a long road as well, they'll be a lot of work for the next decade!
Im totally confused by your post. Especially your use of the word "they"
How old are these kids to have racked up £5k of credit card debts.
I don't get it.
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Twins are 2, not married, no relationship on their side, no support network. I have them Friday afternoon and Sunday and live 10 mins walk away.
We have childcare in the week allowing us to work our careers.
I was annoyed at the money lost and wanted to work things through longterm, both reasons I've not offered to be over on extra evenings, the current status us never 5 minutes from a huge argument so I'm partially staying away as I don't want the children to see that as a regular thing, I am going over once a month on weekends, twice this month to allow them to get out the house more, and there's no reason they can't have friends over on any other nights
I'm currently writing the money off in my head, I have a small house that needs a lot of work and the money would have easily paid for a new kitchen but hey ho.
I always pay my support in time, always turn up for my time, on time and try to do my best with the children when I have them so I'm keeping up my side, it's just the constant arguing at every slight mistake - I can't go on with another 16 years of this or so
We need to work to a point of trust and greater support but it's hard when you're getting shouted at every other day - I need a long term plan
I'm assuming 'they/their' is a gender neutral assignment for the ex?
Sorry if I've got this completely wrong....
Totally confused.
i think some of the confusion could lie with the 'they/them' pronouns. i think mandrake is using they/them in place of he/him/she/her etc.....
EDIT: beaten to it by stumpy....
they = doesn't want to say his or her... simple really and it reads quite well enough.
Ah right. I was wondering if that might be the case when I read it again again.
Re 'they' 'their' read ex-partner
Ah, understand now, first thing i'd so is look for a local support network, lots of them about for fathers, look on facebook, CAB, etc, you really need to just get into a group that have experience and can offer good advice, both legal and personal.
the00
they = doesn’t want to say his or her… simple really and it reads quite well enough.
Without wanting to be disrespectful to the OP, I found it pretty hard to get my head around with the use of they/them etc just because I am not used to seeing it in this sort of context. It is normally used when talking about more than one person, which was further confused by the talk of twins who would normally be referred to as 'they or them'....
I don't think anyone is trying to be narky about it, just trying to understand.
From my side, it sounds like the OP needs to discuss this aggressive, argumentative behaviour with the ex and try to explain how it is making the OP feel and the worry around how it is affecting the kids.
Maybe the ex is feeling stressed by too much pressure and needs more help with looking after the twins? Some more 'me' (them) time?
Did I read this right, you only see the kids one weekend night a month? If that is right then that seems a tiny amount of contact and not great for you, the kids or your ex. Do you need a more formal arrangement for access, perhaps leaning more towards shared parenting?
Yeah sorry, was just trying to take a bit of the potential gender bias out of things bit see how it could be confusing with twins mentioned!
I see the children twice a week every week Fri&sun, I offer to go around once a month so my ex can go out in the evening etc
OK.
1) this person is paying you back the £5k by looking after their own kids one afternoon a week? Have I got that right?
2) And 164678% more important than 1) above, you have GOT to get some quality time arranged with your kids in your own place ASAP. Absolute must. I don't understand the details of the arrangement you've got, but it seems like some insane arrangement where you see them in the Ex's house at their whim whilst trying to keep on the right side of the Ex and sort out all the Ex's shit. Is that right?
Your time should be spent partly with your kids so you can nurture and bond with them.
And the rest should be spent godknowshow but none of it should be spent with the three of them together, or under the control of the Ex.
All IMHO. Sorry if I've got it wrong. Good luck.
Paying back by looking after them each Wednesday
When I have the children they are at my house with me only
Do you have any leverage at all? If they're behaving unreasonably (or worse) most of the time you see them then unless a 3rd party they trust calls them on it I can't see them realising/accepting it let alone changing their behaviour. If you're going above and beyond in some areas to accommodate them then I'd stop doing that for starters otherwise their behaviour has no consequences
I offer to go around once a month so my ex can go out in the evening etc
And sometimes the start or end of these evenings involves unpleasantness from the Ex?
Get that evening moved to your house, under your control.
I’m assuming ‘they/their’ is a gender neutral assignment for the ex?
I assumed the OP didn't want to use he or she, as this sometimes brings out the usual biased type stuff (on both sides)
who ended the relationship? Is the ex a woman/man scorned? This could account for the aggressive behaviour towards you.
As mentioned, say goodbye to the money. Whilst it would be nice to get it back, its not worth the stress to yourself.
Are your visits always at the ex's house? Or do the twins come to you? Or do you take them out?
Sounds like the ex needs some help if in the time you turn up to the time they leave to see friends etc there is an opportunity for them to blow up and start an argument.
I walked on egg shells for years with mine, as the fear of limited access to my daughter was always a threat. Its not fun!
Honestly, you'll get no real advice here, just more confusion, as stated earlier, go on google (or facebook if that's easier) and look up local father support groups, they are all over, i know my mate went to one down the road at the local church room, you get to speak to folk who have been through similar and can help with the pro's and con's, you also have good information for legal advice and just a natter, which is what it sounds like you need more than anything, a real get it off your chest with folk who have been through it before.
This sounds messy and possibly needs proper legal advice but presumably you should both be looking to get to a position where you share the parenting responsibilities 50/50 between your place and theirs?
If your ex is preventing that then you definitely need proper advice.
I may be missing something, obviously a complicated issue to try and explain so a group of strangers on the internet can understand it fully.
A loan without a watertight contract is a gift. I know it's annoying but I doubt there's much you can do about it. So I can only suggest you write the money off mentally and not let it further poison a difficult relationship.
I’ve had to skim this thread so apologies if I’ve got it wrong, (I picked up on the pronoun thing though) it’s because I have a 2 1/2 year old daughter and a job. I’m a bit stressed out and irritable.
Do you get my drift? Looking after 1 yet alone twins is a nightmare and can turn people nasty. My partner is the main carer whilst I work, and if it weren’t for the fact she loves me she’d be screaming bloody murder at me everytime I get home. This is not meant to excuse any particularly bad behaviour by your ex. Well maybe it is, but certainly keep this in mind and I’m sure you do. Once the love is gone in a relationship it’s easier to take those frustrations out on each other rather than hold them back. In my relationship we actually know to accept a bit of one being an arse, whilst the other takes it on the chin until that particular stress has calmed.
I think the advice above to discuss with ex is correct. But by god that’s gonna be hard I know. My point above is that conversation might start by acknowledging how bloody hard this is, with two children at that age. Things will get easier, and you both need to work together to make it as easy as possible for both parents and children.
Thanks for the advice and apologise for a very confusing thread, I guess the paying £5k back by looking after our own children is often the level of argument I'm faced with, and goes back to them having the 'always being right' attitude I mentioned at the start.
We argued on Sunday, I had the kids all day with me, on the Saturday Id used some white spirit in one of the bedrooms when decorating, the children were in the lounge for an hour max Sunday with the stairs door shut, the rest of the time we were out of the house, but at the bottom of the stairs / hallway you could smell white spirits (I should have opened a window in the bedroom tbh) when collection time came within literally 3 minutes it'd gone from hi to your a terrible father I'm not letting you see the kids again find a solicitor, when all it needed was a conversation about the smell in the hallway.
Again yesterday I was asked to buy acrylic paint for use by the children, you can not buy acrylic paint that is safe for under 36 months, even crayola says that on the side but I was specifically asked to buy it so got some with 'not recommended for children' as a recommendation, not a mandatory warning, I did my best but they ultimately they went in the bin with me being called a stupid idiot
It's like this everyday, even though I went around with cakes as a peace offering after Sunday yesterday, it's just too much, I'm just trying to find ways to calm things down a deal with things longterm
Mandrake.
I'll not quote the bits that make me say this, unless you want me to, but it appears to me that you're acting like a doormat.
You're condoning and supporting these actions. You're sticking up for ludicrous ideas that she comes up with and it seems like each time you get abused you come back for more abuse, except with additional cake.
IMHO you need to be strong and stick up for what is right for the kids. I would say "what is right for you and the kids" but I'm not getting the vibe that you currently set much store in what is right for you.
Set some boundaries.
Stick up for yourself.
And stop buying cakes for people every time they treat you like shit.
And good luck.
You'll get varying view points on this forum, Mandrake. Bear in mind that on realationship threads the advice from thegeneralist rarely treads the middle ground. 🙂
Just my point of view 🙂 for consideration.
But yes, probably best ignored when all said and done
Thanks for the advice and apologise for a very confusing thread
My point about times being tough and people not being at their best applies to you too. So no need to apologise. Give yourself a break too.
I'm not on FB but I will seek out a group to see if there is one local, there's not many people I can talk about this to, and the ones I do are very remote from the situation so don't really see the day to day of it so it's been good just to write it down tbh and read it stood back, a diary was on my to do list so I need to pick that up to help reflect a bit more each day.
The original idea of the thread, before I went off track was to try and get some tips around handling these flash points better and I think just remaining a lot calmer would help a lot for starters, but it's so easy to get drawn in when emotions are high, especially when you feel you've not done anything wrong and the other person is blowing things up out of all proportion - if it wasn't for the kids I'd have walked and never looked back...
Your point about not being a doormat is a good one Generalist and I should be a bit more direct when setting boundaries but sticking up for yourself with someone who's hell bent on an argument, and can easily find a solution to a problem in their own eyes (even when in the real world makes little sense) is only going to lead to louder more aggressive arguments so it's not always as easy as that, although point taken.
Definitely a bit more to work with now though.
Best of luck mandrake, not easy, keep your chin up.
sticking up for yourself with someone....
Yep. Totally agree. And TBH I didn't post in the expectation that you would take what I'd said fully on board and act on it. I guess I was just hoping to provide an opinion on that spectrum which might allow/ encourage you to move a little bit in that direction.
Anyway. It sounds very tricky. Hope you come out of it OK.
If she’s hell bent on an argument, just walk.
Don’t answer any calls or texts for a couple of hours at least.
As for calling you an idiot, if she does that in front of the kids it’s child abuse, totally unacceptable.
My advice, generally, would be stick to business about the kids.
Don’t go in her house.
And keep her at the door in your house.
No lending, of anything.
If she asks you to get (for example) acrylic paint, point out (by text message so there’s a record) that it’s not safe for them due to age.
Any maintenance money, pay it through the bank, so there’s a record.
Never give, or loan, cash.
Good luck, your ex sounds just like my ex, she was always right too.
Maybe get a gopro near the door, start it recording when she arrives to drop off/collect the twins.
I had the exact same shit, it continued for years until i told her I wasn’t putting up with any more.
The problem with flash points is that they can develop from many angles, there are those who manipulate their partner into an outburst, then instantly use that outburst against them, then those who just pick a fight a bit more directly, and a few other variants, staying cool is good, but comes down to what you're arguing against, and what game is being played.
Again, almost every tip that can be given is against a specific scenario, a good one to one with someone who's got experiences and knowledge in this field would be way more beneficial, or even just experience of listening and pointing in the right direction, doesn't have to be a fathers support, could just be CAB or the likes to start with.
Hope all goes well, i'm guessing it'll be an especially tough period just now with Christmas and so on, but hopefully you have family and friends to lean on a bit over the next few weeks.
Get some proper legal advice. Not from here or any Facebook group.
Maybe if you did want to go down the route of having a genuine conversation about it all, you should do it away from each others homes. Maybe while the kids are in childcare. Maybe in public too to avoid any flare ups.