[Closed] Dealing with manipulative people... what's your solution?

She needs pet cats. Lots of them.

Sounds like you did the right thing to me.

Yup, buy her a kitten

just humour her if she tries to draw you in and avoid playing along with her games.

Just kick her in the jacksie.

I can help you with this but you will have to send me ten pounds first.

Cheers

What's her forum log in?

She needs pet cats. Lots of them.

That's hilarious. 20 years ago someone predicted she'd end up being a cat lady!

a swift knee to the happy sacks she will drop like anyone else 😉

tell her to do one, I never understand why people get drawn in to arguments when you can simply ignore them - you know like we do with childrens tantrums. By 1 year old does a wicked belly flop t the floor job now and he gets ignored (ok I laugh my tits of actually)..

Not a lot else you can do other than what you're doing IMO.

pics ?

> [i]more serious mode[/i] < She may not know how bad she is making you all feel,and if she has no significant other ,then you and your friends are the only people (outside family) that mean something to her. If you, or any of the rest of your friends care about what happens ,then talk to her.>[i]serious mode off[/i]<

[i]or go with the cat plan[/i]

🙂

You could try agreeing vehemently with everything she says? Just to add a bit of interest like, especially if she's trying to pick faults with you and start arguments that way. Agreeing with folk often takes the wind out of their sails.

Details, details, details!! I know you want to keep it short but an example would help to shed light on the situation, if you are willing to share of course. Also, the mate who thought her actions were deliberate- was that the first time he has met her? Sometimes it takes someone with an 'outsiders' perspective to realise what is really going on.

Once folk grow up (normally when kids appear), they realise that the 'old gang' was just that, something from their old days.

Move on.

b r you have just made me sad like an episode of 'The Wonder Years'

Sounds like she needs to get laid. Get a room.

Kill her with fire after clubbing her unconscious with your penis?

Even before I got to your second paragraph I knew what you were going to say next and I was already thinking of a couple of [s]girls[/s] women like that.

They seem to act eternally young/never grow up and will always blame[s] something in their childhood[/s] ANYONE for whats happened/happening to them.

Another couple of observations (that I've seen/can tie-in)
I bet she drinks at teens/early 20's levels still.
I bet shes had a string of idiot boyfriends and its their fault not hers.

I used to say 'feel for X, shes soo unlucky in love'. Then it clicked 😆

Ignore
or
Leave it with me
or
I don't know

I think you'll find this is the correct reaction to constant provocation

The advantage being that you've then got something to feed her cats with too

goad her relentlessly ...assuming the more mature option of never ever speaking to her ever again is not a viable one

[s]This thread would be a lot more interesting[/s] We'd be able to offer more useful help with more details of the behaviour.

Then it clicked

Dammit edlong I you saw straight through me!! 😉

Looks like she is regretting not having settled down with family so seek attention.

Tell her party time is over and she really needs to calm down permanently as the good life will not be there any longer.

One blink she will be in her 50s, another blink she willl be all alone if she does not pipe down, further blink she will leave this world alone.

Once folk grow up (normally when kids appear), they realise that the 'old gang' was just that, something from their old days.

Move on.

Sooooo.... people you've been mates with a long time are all to be avoided? Unless they've got kids? 😕

[quote=chewkw said]further blink she will leave this world alone.

The cats, don't forget the cats.

yeah details plz, love a bit of gossip about total strangers in the afternoon. If she starts could you take a sensible approach whilst making her look foolish by mocking her or what she is saying? I'm picturing Vic n Bob with handbags here "OOOOOHHHH"

Even before I [s]got to your second paragraph[/s] opened this thread, I knew what you were going to say next ( no ,I am not Psychic ) and I was already thinking of [s]a couple of[/s] girls,women [s]like that[/s].

[s]They[/s] Like her,I seem to act eternally young/never grow up and will always blame something [s]in their childhood ANYONE for[/s] else,rather than whats happened/happening [s]to them[/s] in the thread.

Another couple of observations (that I've seen/can tie-in/have made up)
I bet she [s]drinks at teens/early 20's levels still[/s] would fancy me.
I bet shes had a string of [s]idiot[/s] Psychic boyfriends and its their fault not hers,that they have never met.

I used to say 'feel for X, shes soo unlucky in love and send her my 20yr old profile photo'. Then it clicked ,and now they are all sorry.

grum - Member

Once folk grow up (normally when kids appear), they realise that the 'old gang' was just that, something from their old days.

Move on.

Sooooo.... people you've been mates with a long time are all to be avoided? Unless they've got kids?

That happens sometimes ... it's more like those with the first child that avoid his/her mates but after having say 2 or 3 life go back to normal. i.e. behaving like younger days etc.

allthepies - Member

chewkw said » further blink she will leave this world alone.

The cats, don't forget the cats.

They will all be put down to be with her ... 😈

It took me a long time to work out that simply, life is too short to put up with arseholes.

I can think offhand of three people who I put up with for years because they were "friends" and because when they put their mind to it they could be good company. Unfortunately, the rest of the time they were a word that the swear filter won't let me type.

And the thing was, this wasn't an isolated opinion. Everyone else who knew them thought pretty much the same things, but no-one ever did anything about it. We all just grumbled quietly to each other and put up with these disruptive buggers out of a sense of, I don't know, guilt? Pity?

I'm not sure what the solution was (other than for one who I told directly to sort their behaviour out or GTF), but ultimately it got to a point where I'd be refusing to go out if they were there. Over time, others were saying the same thing and making the same decision, and eventually the problems presumably found someone else to latch on to and leech the life out of.

Because make no mistake, these people are parasites. My life has been immeasurably better without them in it. Cut them loose, and do it now.

a swift knee to the happy sacks she will drop like anyone else

Is she an Emohawk?

They will all be put down to be with her ...

.....they'll all feed off her corpse....

I've changed my mind - in the wise words of junkyard - GOAD her on - it will make all subsequent outings with her a laugh, and all of your "gang" will love you for it - infact I reckon they would go so far as to put you in a small confined space together just for kicks.. Is she fat as well..? just asking like.

Is she fat as well.

If shes like the ones I know then no she'll be quite slim.

At glastonbury........
Should.have handcuffed her too a hippy/a faith healer/samaraten and buggered off and had fun. 😀

Although it would be fascinating, no more details I'm afraid...

I'm minded to think like Cougar, and I most other people who know her are too... life's too short. Too many good friends I'd rather spend my efforts on...

GOAD her on

Quite some time ago I realised that some people are just asshats who are entirely responsible for theur own (denied) failings and really unpleasant to be with. They all have one thing in common, and that is the ability to dish it out but not take it.

When they finally get a taste of their own medicine it can be spectacularly entertaining. Go for it, it doesn't sound like you'd be bothered if you lost/dropped her as a friend anyway 😉

Goad her on?

Not a chance, it'd end up with egg on your face/looking like you are in the wrong. She has all the time in the world whereas you have 10things on your plate at any one time.

Avoid. Including social engagements/doo's etc from now on.

Should.have got her off her tits...
Then left her in the depths of hell, in shangrila. 😈

It sounds like attention seeking behaviour,as Sui says,ignore,she'll hate it,or tell her she's looking for a reaction and you're not going to react,she'll strop,and end up looking like a spoilt 5 yearold.

Take the pi$$ remorselessly until she's completely unsure of herself. Simply destroy her self confidence with your whit and badinage. That usually ends well at a social gathering....

tell her she's looking for a reaction and you're not going to react,she'll strop,and end up looking like a spoilt 5 yearold.

that's pretty much what did happen - it would've been funny if it wasn't so tragic - a 39 year old woman stropping out of a tent in the rain after I refused to be drawn into an argument, going a short distance away and bawling her eyes out... <close enough for maximum attention of course>

I'm wondering what the next move will be - there was an abusive text which followed this incident (Thursday) and another text yesterday trying to blame me for the abusive text which she sent 😯

Send the text to me I will write the reply 😉

Don't reply,it only feeds her behaviour,and be careful who you discuss it with,if she becomes aware that you are upset,that too will encourage her,just play it dead bat,ie "I don't know why she got so upset,it was all about nothing" etc.

If you can keep your cool for a while,she will go away and not bother you anymore,you'll probably find your friends are glad,as she'll not want to socialize when you are there.These people are sad and needy,but won't recognise it.

Pop round with a Smiths album,some whiskey and let the evening take its course.

unovolo - Member
Pop round with a Smiths album,some whiskey and let the evening take its course.

Or, a nice film to watch;
[img] [/img]

NSFW but...

Pretty much what Cougar said.

The description in the OP made me think you MUST be writing about a mutual 'friend'. My wife had the misfortune to get drawn in to the world of perhaps the most passive-aggressive person I've ever met.

She is a large girl (mid 30s) and has a very, very loud voice. She dominates conversations and is incredibly sensitive to any suggestion that she is in any way out of order, whilst also being incredibly insesitive towards others. She dishes it out in spadefulls but can't take any back. At all. As in the OP, she lashes out verbally, sulks and badmouths whomsoever has been unlucky enough to cross her. Every ounce of drama is drawn from every situation.

On the other hand, she can be very thoughtful (rarely), is a great organiser and is good fun in a big group and small doses.

She wormed her way into our group of mates and although everyone feels the same way about her in private, she always jumps on any plans with huge enthusiasm, and no-one wants to tell her to get lost. We often organise holidays and away days in term time to avoid a huge scene (she's a teacher).

To make it all much worse, it turns out she's now going out with one of the guys in our social group. Frankly, he's a bit desperate, but none of us knew he was that desperate 🙁

Feel better for that.

EDIT - meant to say, the guy she's now seeing is a really gentle, unassuming kind of a guy. Not very socially able but still a decent bloke. All her previous relationships have been car crashes in slow motion, shrouded in secrecy and drama. This new relationship was kept secret from some of us for six months. God knows why, as no-one gives a shit really, apart from feeling sorry for the guy...

So what are you all doing for her imminent 40th birthday?

My partner's cousin is similar. He is 44, has not had a relationship for 20 years and long term unemployed. Despite this he has an incredibly high opinion of himself and seems to delight in trying to stir up trouble.

In my case this is mainly by mentioning incidents from 20+ years ago when we used to hang out in the same group and before I met my partner.

Ironically he is the reason that I met my partner 12 years ago when our group bumped into a group containing his female cousins.

Since then my partner and I have gone through a lot including having children, death of parents and serious illness. We have become responsible adults and parents but he does not seem to have grown up or changed at all.

We just try to have as little to do with him as possible but have to see him at family events. When he starts trying to wind either of us up we just change the subject or find that the kids suddenly need supervising!

So what are you all doing for her imminent 40th birthday?

There's a party, which I won't be at, despite having an invitation. I want to send a clear message without having to actually communicate with her...

Other friends will go I think, but as much out of a sense of duty/pity/longevity of friendship as much as anything else

jesus who needs enemies with friends like you lot? must be nice being in the right all the time...sometimes people are just unhappy, for whatever reason. a true friend would engage and challenge (in a helpful way) her behaviour, and try and understand whats going on in order to offer help. [i]thats[/i] called growing up. remember, we all need a hand sometimes, consider yourself lucky that its not your turn

Tantrums are attention seeking: been spoiled as a child and not been confronted enough to grow out of it yet. Will you be able to fix them? No! Can you make them regret crossing the line in future? Maybe!

IMO, ignore tantrums. Or give them something worth crying about. But don't play along.

Body-clock is ticking, she obviously wants your baby...

On the other hand, sounds like the classic definition of a non-violent psychopath!

[i]Once folk grow up (normally when kids appear), they realise that the 'old gang' was just that, something from their old days.[/i]

I find that rather sad.

Some of my peer group met in early-mid twenties, paired off in or out of the group, started families at about the same time, holidayed at half-term with the children, watched them grow up, and now anticipate the next generation.

She's been like it for twenty years, so I fear there's nothing you could do that would change anything.

Life's too short to be dealing with this. Just avoid her don't invite her to anything. If you have to be around her just tell her calmly that you are not going to enter into a discussion / comment on whatever issue she is raising. If she persists with others just ask her politely and in front of everyone to stop.

whats going on?40 posts and even hora hasnt suggest you shag her and be done with it!

Its one girl in the mans handbook that says emphatically no. She'd do it willingly then go round and confess to your partner that she 'should know'.

jesus who needs enemies with friends like you lot? must be nice being in the right all the time...sometimes people are just unhappy, for whatever reason. a true friend would engage and challenge (in a helpful way) her behaviour, and try and understand whats going on in order to offer help. thats called growing up. remember, we all need a hand sometimes, consider yourself lucky that its not your turn

sometimes people are just unhappy, for whatever reason.

Sometimes, people are inherently just dicks.

Other friends will go I think, but as much out of a sense of duty/pity/longevity of friendship as much as anything else

maybe they actually just like her, i like having friends that are ****s, as it makes me look good.

a true friend would engage and challenge (in a helpful way) her behaviour, and try and understand whats going on in order to offer help. thats called growing up. remember, we all need a hand sometimes, consider yourself lucky that its not your turn

That's very true, but the girl I spoke of is no friend of mine. She's a hanger-on. A tagnut. I suspect the same is true in the OP's case.

Sometimes, people are inherently just dicks.

Sometimes, people are inherently judgmental.

Stop inviting her, she'll get the message soon enough.

Should've just locked her in a portaloo and left her too it. 😀

Should've given her a massive dab of MDMA.

Sounds like a classic case of d*ck deficiency syndrome. Can you not 'help her out'?

She doesn't sound that manipulative. Immature yes. Properly manipulative would mean far more subtlety than spitting the dummy and having a bit of a cry.

Anyway. Cougar has it nailed. Ignore, avoid, life is too short, and some people are simply giant rear ends who can't or won't be helped.

Just punch her!
You know u want to......

Or maybe the cats thing?

Sometimes, people are inherently judgmental.

Y'know, I think if I had the choice of being judgemental or being a dick, I'd choose the former.

Seems like you have two choices:

1. Help (sounds like it is needed) or,
2. Ignore

The stuff in between seems rather nasty, unnecessary and unpleasant to me.

Y'know, I think if I had the choice of being judgemental or being a dick, I'd choose the former.

Aye, I can see that's the general consensus of the thread.

Can't help but think the women's life is actually a bit grim.

But yeah, what Cougar said.

1. Help (sounds like it is needed) or,

Absolutely. I know I've given a very brief precis and not the full details but help and general 'putting up with x sulking again' have been very forthcoming for the last 20 years - from everyone in the group - all of whom are nice people who get on with each other very well... and have probably done more to help than most would have done.

It's the abuse she's begun to dish out in the last couple of years that's leading to people walking away... I don't think people are willing to help if that's what they get in return...

She fell out with her therapist too btw 😯

you cannot help everyone and only you can decide if you want to help

We all gave up with a similar friend around the 40 mark as 20 years was enough for us all to learn nothing would change.

People make their own lives if you have not sorted yourself out to not be a complete asshole to those around you whom you love and respect by 40 then IMHO there is little hope.

perhaps loosing all here dear friends will be the catalyst..perhaps her behaviour means she will grow old sad and alone .....who knows but she is ploughing her own field and it is up to you what you will put up with

Can you explanin why you actually bother to invite her to your get togethers ? Stop it. Now.

Just ditch her and move on.