Just how the f do you do it?
Been over a month trying to get an old friend out for a pint or two to celebrate his 50th, keeps dragging his feet and making excuses but it's basically because his wife won't let him, so he has to wait till she is out or better still away...
Accept it's a choice he's made and work round it?
I got drunk and told my best mate since childhood. that I had always despised his girlfriend.
He agreed she was a bit of a cow and all was well with the world
He got engaged to her three weeks later and they've been married since 1999 and have two kids.
He hasn't spoken to me since 1998.
In summary, don't put him in a position where he needs to choose.
You won't win.
Have an affair with her? That works.
Louise?
Have an affair with her? That works
Her propositioning me & me turning her down good and proper was the starting point of things going wrong
Remarkably not Louise but she may have changed her name to hide her true identity
Told my mate that her bloke was a manipulative, controlling scumbag, but she stuck with him for another year or so. She was rarely allowed to see her friends or even her family, and she always had to walk on eggshells around him.
She eventually left when he lifted her up by the throat and pinned her against the wall - she managed to break free, lock herself in the bathroom and called the police. She didn't leave him as soon as I would have liked, but I'm glad she didn't stick around until he killed her.
I had a friend with a really horrible girlfriend and I used to just get blind drunk every time I met up with them. Everything is far easier to cope with when you’re shit faced. If she won’t let him play out there’s not much you can do to be honest.
Not had a lot to do with them for the past 10yrs - after her proposition they got married in secret (I was supposed to be his best man) and they have also fallen out with other close friends, met up with him over a couple of pints in the autumn and bumped into them at Christmas - thought I'd just offer the olive branch & have a couple of beers in recognition of his birthday and our earlier good friendship. But a month of trying to get him out and umpteen texts and begining to wish I'd never bothered...
Too many men seem to need their wife's permission to do anything these days. It's a pretty sad state of affairs and is rightly called abuse when the roles are reversed.
Accept it’s a choice he’s made and walk away from the “friendship”
FIFM.
If he can't be bothered to meet up with you then I’d say the friendship is over.
Just “walk on bye - do doby do doo doo”
Too many men seem to need their wife’s permission to do anything these days.
I use my wife as a convenient excuse to get out of stuff I don't want to do with my mates. Maybe OP's mate just doesn't want to go for a pint with him but doesn't have the heart to say it.
I use my wife as a convenient excuse to get out of stuff I don’t want to do with my mates.
That's just as sad.
Too many men seem to need their wife’s permission to do anything these days. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs and is rightly called abuse when the roles are reversed.
This.
But also this;
I use my wife as a convenient excuse to get out of stuff I don’t want to do with my mates.
Have an affair with her? That works
Her propositioning me & me turning her down good and proper was the starting point of things going wrong
I didn't read the other posts before slamming my missive in, but the above statement rings so true with me as well.
Long long time ago, I can still remember how....
How I had a really good mate, a mate that you could pretty much rely upon for both support and laughter. Y’no a decent lad who’d call round and you’d end up at the pub where you’d end up buying drinks all night ... because the guy would make you laugh and cry. A lad that always asked “come round Tuesday, let’s go to the Cider House” and you did becuse you were the one with the car and he always made you laugh right... right. Then he split with his long term girlfriend because she grew up and knew he was a waster, and you could see this trait a mile off but you remained mates because he made you laugh and life was good when he was around... and you had a car and some cash and didn’t mind being taken for a M.U.G becuse he made you laugh and life was fun when he was around...
Then he met some special Woman Shaped Object who happened to be as unstable and drunk as your mate, but she was fun to be around too right, and life was fun and life was better when we all went to the pub in my car and I bought the beers and drove them both home... becuse life was good and they made you laugh right...
And one day, when my mate was working, the WSO came around my home and promptly started to undress and flash her tits at me, she was slightly pissed but upright so I said “I’ll drive you home, c’mon” and then all he’ll broke loose.... accusations of alarmingly high proportions and her jeans came off and all sorts of flailing arms and legs and wild rubbing motions... and I kinda lost it big time and threw he out into the street half dressed and disheveled... and waited until the shouting abaited and accusations of leading her on abated...
And I called my mate who went ballistic and started on me, and yet I was the innocent party in all of this...
Turned out, apart from the sexual advances which were actually real, this WSO was jealous of my mates and I’s friendship and she wanted to keep him to herself....
And to that end she got what she set out to do, except screw me in the process.
Reconciliation with my mate and I started about 2 years later when thier “relationship” had ended and he was at a loss to collect his dole or unable to go shopping and needed money (can’t quite remember, may have been both) and I flatly refused to see the the bloke that made you laugh and life was good when he was around...
Years and years later I heard from a friend that he was shacked up with a 19yr old bunny girl who he met whilst at Mark Warner holidays where he was working as a pool attendant... he’s the same age as me so she’d be 30 yrs his younger if my maths are correct....
But life was actually good and full of hilarity when he was on form....
But some “mates” have thier own decision making path through life, we all come across such types on our journeys in this land of ours....
But sometimes it’s best for you and them if you let them trundle down their own path, and you choose yours.
IMO
Quite happy to accept our friendship is no longer and will never be as it was blah blah blah. If he wasn't bothered he could have ignored my texts or said thanks but no thanks but he is seemingly willing to go for a pint or two with myself and another old friend it's just pinning him down as to when is like nailing jelly to the wall & knowing it is all because of her is so frigging frustrating.
Give up. I’ve an old mate from way back who’s wife is an evil sorcerer but I’ve given up. He openly admits that he wants to leave her but is too scared what she will do! Last time we went for a couple of beers she came and found him and took him home, proper embarrassing.
Facebook post from a former work friend this morning - her then husband wouldn't drive her to mental hospital (or nut house as she wrote, she's quite down to earth) because he had important meeting. She said that getting the taxi saved her life.
10 years later she's fine and in a happy relationship.
This works for both sexes, a controlling partner can be life threatening. Overt violence isn't necessary, push someone too far and they may kill themselves.
It was my birthday last week, you can take me out for a pint?
Many years ago a good mate, had a better bike than mine, we went out cycling quite a few often, one sunday we had planned a long ride went round his mums house,and some girl answered the door, i asked for Russel , she said he wasnt in had gone to shop for milk i said id wait, she said no you cant, and Russel will no longer be cycling , cycling is for children, i was 23 at the time, and he was about 26, i said who are you, she said his future wife, next year.Now go away, which i did.
Never saw him again, no calls or chat, and he got married .
Fact is people who had lots in common in their twenties don't necessarily have much in common in their forties . We all grow and change differently . I think it's quite sad seeing people trying to hang on to old friendships that have passed their sell by date .
I didn’t read the other posts before slamming my missive in
Come on! It's not *that* big 😀
Quite happy to accept our friendship is no longer and will never be as it was blah blah blah. If he wasn’t bothered he could have ignored my texts or said thanks but no thanks but he is seemingly willing to go for a pint or two with myself and another old friend it’s just pinning him down as to when is like nailing jelly to the wall & knowing it is all because of her is so frigging frustrating
So your "mate", who is your friend, is in a relationship that for whatever reason (they are his reasons) he has to find the right time for a night out. I'm happy for everyone else that doesn't have this problem but for your mate - don't you think all he wants is a friend who won't judge him? Who is willing to show a little accommodation without asking why? Give him a break and show some real friendship.
I was already married with kids before we met, so to those suggesting it was an immature friendship gone bad, it was certainly none of those.
I guess I need to either give up on it or be incredibly patient & everyone has their own barometer in that respect.
I will go one further the majority of my mates changed their lives completely when they got proper involved.
To the point where they don't really acknowledge me as a mate any more. New broom sweeps clean.
It's a shit state of affairs. Get a lady that isn't going to change you and manipulate you!
Not had a lot to do with them for the past 10yrs
Maybe this is why he cant be bothered to meet up with you now?
Interesting topic. I have a couple of mates with very manipulative wives, but I swear they actually enjoy being controlled. So it's not a [i]bad[/i] thing, even if it can be a little frustrating for male friends. Like when I book gig tickets to go with one mate and come the day "Sorry, can't make it, she's gone out and left me with the kids".
My ex wasn't at all like that and well, she's now my ex, whereas they are still together and likely to stay that way.
That must say something...! What, I'm not sure.
Frustrating when someone says they want to meet up but then just fanny about with it, I've given up on a few folk when that has happened (and of course thy just may not want to be a mate but can't say that, I know that's not easy).
I don't see how the OP is judging him Stevet1
You've just got to be patient. If you've waited ten years...
whereas they are still together and likely to stay that way.
That must say something…! What, I’m not sure.
Probably just means he's too scared to ask her for a divorce.
Well three of his old mates are out for a pint or two tomorrow night & apparently he may join us depending on how he feels after his physio treatment.... nothing like getting your excuses in early 🤔
Too many men seem to need their wife’s permission to do anything these days. It’s a pretty sad state of affairs and is rightly called abuse when the roles are reversed.
That was / is me, but I've come to learn that it's actually me not her. If you follow.
I said "Hun, I'm going to the pub with the boys" and that was it, in my head she sometimes morphs into this horrible beast that screams and shouts, but she's not really like that at all. It took me weeks to speak the words.
My advice, don't be mental, it sucks.
One of my best mates married an arsehole. I told him fairly on, that woman's an arsehole, turns out she hates me too so we just avoid each other entirely, sorted.
(I stayed at his place a while back when I was in London and she went away that weekend, she knows who wears the trousers in this relatsionship...)
I learnt a long time ago not to wait for others, get on and do it. You cant please everybody so please yourself. I now ride with friends or alone. Yes call me selfish if you like. But - You are along time dead.
Years and years later I heard from a friend that he was shacked up with a 19yr old bunny girl who he met whilst at Mark Warner holidays where he was working as a pool attendant… he’s the same age as me so she’d be 30 yrs his younger if my maths are correct….
It sounds like he's moved on.
My best mate from school is married to a German yoga instructor, she's very tall, large bossoms & has him round her little finger. He's worth well over a million quid, at 40 he's pretty much able to never work again & they spend their days on ayahuasca fueled spirit quests in Peru or partying on a beach in Goa/Ibiza/Southbank- she's going nowhere!
She's caused him a fair bit of heartache & I know he's always wanted kids, but she didn't, which I think has been tough on him.
That said he's in love & I've learnt that you can't argue with that, so I'll support him anyway he needs*
*( hes a millionaire playboy with a very hot wife, I'm not sure I've got much to offer tbh!)
Too many men seem to need their wife’s permission to do anything these days.
It's more complicated than this of course. When you have a long term partner or spouse, there's just more people to consider. When you have kids, there's more people still. Life just gets more full. At one point in my life I was single and lived alone, I could spend the entire day watching telly and go out riding in the evening. If someone asked me.if I wanted to do something, if it sounded fun I'd just say yes and do it.
Now, I might owe my kids some Dad time, or we need a family day, or my wife has been working hard and needs tt do something herself, so I just can't. There are more people than mates requiring your attention.
@molgrips - tell me about it, once my kids had grown up I lived alone for about 5 or 6 years, now I am remarried and expected to be just us two & step daughter at weekends, due to circumstances beyond our control that changed dramatically and we now have rather more on our plate.
So I do have a fairly good experience of life taking over, still doesn't stop us from riding or socialising though.
So heading to Glasgow to see a band late 80s, my then best mate asked me what I thought of a friend's girlfriend we'd been out for beers with some weeks earlier on my previous visit. I said she was okay, but I didn't like her as she was pretty grating and hard work. That's right, they'd started going out and still are. Hey ho...
There are more people than mates requiring your attention.
Whilst this is true and your family should of course be your first priority, not seeing any of your mates again ever is a shit situation. I've been there twice; once in an abusive relationship where I ostensibly wasn't allowed to, and the subsequent one where I didn't feel I could despite my partner telling me to go out with friends (possibly in part down to conditioning from the previous one).
Why not try and set aside one day a month, like the first Friday of every month or something, as 'mates day' where you all try and get together? Plenty of advance notice and it's just one evening.