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Squidette is in hospital having her appendix out. She's a bit bored & low. Got any jokes that are neither obscene or childish? (She's 14).
PS: my favourite: A skeleton goes into a bar - orders a beer and a mop...
Buy her some girlie magazines and stuff, gossip mags. She'll probably love you for it, I don't know. Does she have a Nintendo DS etc?
you used to be able to write to jim'll .........
I've not been keeping up with her career, so I've decided to watch all of Sandra Bullock's films from the beginning to the present day.
I've been doing well, I'm almost up to speed.
I can't taste chick peas, tahini or garlic.
Doctor says I have no sense of humous.
Saw a bunch of the walking undead this morning, looking really surprised.
Must be zomgbies.
She's got plenty of mags and also interweb. I'm looking for something to cheer her up & distract her from moaning about the food when I go to visit.
(Tips hat at Cougar) Keep 'em coming!
What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
To fish in a tank, one says to the other - can you really drive this thing?
What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
Anything you like, he won't hear you.
There's a sale on at the pet shop.
Budgies are going cheap.
What do you call a Frenchman with loose shoes?
Phillipe Flop.
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
He kneaded a poo.
What's brown and funny? Clown poo.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why did the frenchman only use one egg in him omelette?
Because one eggs an oeuf...
rudebwoy - Memberyou used to be able to write to jim'll .........
especially if you wanted to milk a cow blindfold.
meantime
two cannibals eating a clown. one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"
I started racing snails a few weeks ago, but my snails were always coming last. I thought that if I took their shells off, it would make them go faster, but if anything it just made them more sluggish.
You can buy a book with 1000 Tim Vine jokes in, should do the trick for that age.
But in recent news:
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Two tigers walking down Oxford Street. One says to the other "Quiet, isn't it?"
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d's in his name? Because it would sound silly if he was called Ewar Woowar!
Knock knock
Who's there?
I done up!
A father and son cannibal are walking through the jungle when they come across a beautiful lost woman.
"ooh look at her dad, can we eat her" asks the son,
"No son, we'll keep her, take her home and eat your mum" replies dad.
Completely not what the OP is asking for but I've been having some fun trawling this site:
[url= http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com ]knock knock
who is there
watermalon
watermalon who
nobody. but your head looks like a watermalon[/url]
What do you call 4 dogs and a blackbird? Spice Girls
An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news.
The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc."
The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Damn you! You told me it was a stick so picked it up and its soft and smells of poo!
Customer "I'd like to return this book on modern medical procedures."
Owner: "Is there something wrong with it?"
Customer: "Someone removed the appendix."
"Doctor, i have a motion every morning at 7 am "
"Thats great, regular motions are a sign of a healthy body"
"thing is, i don't get up till 8.....
Completely not what the OP is asking for but I've been having some fun trawling this site: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
I was playing a game with my brother and he got sent to jail and he wiped his poo on the wall so we never played monoply again
kwality!
What I love about that link is the guy is trying to weed out bad jokes that are submitted by kids but amongst the stuff he's rejecting are some genuinely good jokes
Knock knock.
Doctor.
Doctor said “HEY YOU FAT GUY! GET OUT OF MY MEDICATION
BAG AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The
doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some
bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood
yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your
final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her
that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he
gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same
card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the
full house and wins £1000. The National Grid comes
up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son,
I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone
win four corners, a line, the full house and the
national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've
got Yellow 24."
"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the
raffle as well.
I heard a clean Aussie joke once, can't remember tho.
How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas.
knock knock - who's there?
banana - banana who?
banana - banana who?
banana - banana who?
orange - orange who?
orange you glad I didn't say banana again?
😆 😆
😳
A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.”
The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”
What sort of bees make milk?
Boobies!
(my 5 year old told me that one!!!)
Whats brown and sounds like a bell
Dunnnnggg
I hear that people in Bahrain don't like the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do!!
I was playing a game with my brother and he got sent to jail and he wiped his poo on the wall so we never played monoply again
Not so funny whenyou see it was sent by the sister of Pat Mcgeown
What do you call a fat computer-
A Dell
Whats blue and smells like red paint?
blue paint.
Two cows in a field...one says to the other: "Blimmin' horses...coming over here, taking our jobs..."
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A wonky
My wife saw this one lat night:
Man walks into a restaurant and orders a burger. The waiter asks if he would like anything on it? Reply - Sure, a fiver each way