MegaSack DRAW - This year's winner is user - rgwb
We will be in touch
Squidette is in hospital having her appendix out. She's a bit bored & low. Got any jokes that are neither obscene or childish? (She's 14).
PS: my favourite: A skeleton goes into a bar - orders a beer and a mop...
Buy her some girlie magazines and stuff, gossip mags. She'll probably love you for it, I don't know. Does she have a Nintendo DS etc?
you used to be able to write to jim'll .........
I've not been keeping up with her career, so I've decided to watch all of Sandra Bullock's films from the beginning to the present day.
I've been doing well, I'm almost up to speed.
I can't taste chick peas, tahini or garlic.
Doctor says I have no sense of humous.
Saw a bunch of the walking undead this morning, looking really surprised.
Must be zomgbies.
She's got plenty of mags and also interweb. I'm looking for something to cheer her up & distract her from moaning about the food when I go to visit.
(Tips hat at Cougar) Keep 'em coming!
What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
To fish in a tank, one says to the other - can you really drive this thing?
What do you call a bear with no ears? B.
Anything you like, he won't hear you.
There's a sale on at the pet shop.
Budgies are going cheap.
What do you call a Frenchman with loose shoes?
Phillipe Flop.
Why did the baker have smelly fingers?
He kneaded a poo.
What's brown and funny? Clown poo.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Why did the frenchman only use one egg in him omelette?
Because one eggs an oeuf...
rudebwoy - Memberyou used to be able to write to jim'll .........
especially if you wanted to milk a cow blindfold.
meantime
two cannibals eating a clown. one says to the other "does this taste funny to you?"
I started racing snails a few weeks ago, but my snails were always coming last. I thought that if I took their shells off, it would make them go faster, but if anything it just made them more sluggish.
You can buy a book with 1000 Tim Vine jokes in, should do the trick for that age.
But in recent news:
A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
How do you make a tissue dance?
Put a little boogie in it!
Two tigers walking down Oxford Street. One says to the other "Quiet, isn't it?"
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Why has Edward Woodward got 4 d's in his name? Because it would sound silly if he was called Ewar Woowar!
Knock knock
Who's there?
I done up!
A father and son cannibal are walking through the jungle when they come across a beautiful lost woman.
"ooh look at her dad, can we eat her" asks the son,
"No son, we'll keep her, take her home and eat your mum" replies dad.
Completely not what the OP is asking for but I've been having some fun trawling this site:
[url= http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com ]knock knock
who is there
watermalon
watermalon who
nobody. but your head looks like a watermalon[/url]
What do you call 4 dogs and a blackbird? Spice Girls
An old man goes to the doctor for some tests. When he gets the results, the doctor tells him that he has bad news.
The old man says, "Just give it to me straight, doc."
The doctor says, "Well, you have cancer, and you have Alzheimer's."
The old man says, "I guess it could be worse. I could have cancer."
What's brown and sticky?
A stick!
Damn you! You told me it was a stick so picked it up and its soft and smells of poo!
Customer "I'd like to return this book on modern medical procedures."
Owner: "Is there something wrong with it?"
Customer: "Someone removed the appendix."
"Doctor, i have a motion every morning at 7 am "
"Thats great, regular motions are a sign of a healthy body"
"thing is, i don't get up till 8.....
Completely not what the OP is asking for but I've been having some fun trawling this site: http://badkidsjokes.tumblr.com/
I was playing a game with my brother and he got sent to jail and he wiped his poo on the wall so we never played monoply again
kwality!
What I love about that link is the guy is trying to weed out bad jokes that are submitted by kids but amongst the stuff he's rejecting are some genuinely good jokes
Knock knock.
Doctor.
Doctor said “HEY YOU FAT GUY! GET OUT OF MY MEDICATION
BAG AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!”
A man goes to the doctors feeling a little ill. The
doctor checks him over and says, "Sorry, I have some
bad news, you have Yellow 24, a really nasty virus.
It's called Yellow 24 because it turns your blood
yellow and you usually only have 24 hours to live.
There's no known cure so just go home and enjoy your
final precious moments on earth."
So he trudges home to his wife and breaks the news.
Distraught, she asks him to go to the bingo with her
that evening as he's never been there with her before.
They arrive at the bingo and with his first card he
gets four corners and wins £35. Then, with the same
card, he gets a line and wins £320. Then he gets the
full house and wins £1000. The National Grid comes
up and he wins that too getting £380,000.
The bingo caller gets him up on stage and says, "Son,
I've been here 20 years and I've never seen anyone
win four corners, a line, the full house and the
national grid on the same card.
You must be the luckiest man on Earth!"
"Lucky?" he screamed. "Lucky? I'll have you know I've
got Yellow 24."
"Oh Hell," says the bingo caller. "You've won the
raffle as well.
I heard a clean Aussie joke once, can't remember tho.
How do Mexicans keep warm?
They use chicken fajitas.
knock knock - who's there?
banana - banana who?
banana - banana who?
banana - banana who?
orange - orange who?
orange you glad I didn't say banana again?
😆 😆
😳
A higgs-boson particle walks up to a Catholic church.
The priest stops him at the door and says “I’m sorry, you can’t participate in our service today.”
The higgs-boson particle says “What?! You can’t have mass without me!”
What sort of bees make milk?
Boobies!
(my 5 year old told me that one!!!)
Whats brown and sounds like a bell
Dunnnnggg
I hear that people in Bahrain don't like the Flintstones, but those in Abu Dhabi do!!
I was playing a game with my brother and he got sent to jail and he wiped his poo on the wall so we never played monoply again
Not so funny whenyou see it was sent by the sister of Pat Mcgeown
What do you call a fat computer-
A Dell
Whats blue and smells like red paint?
blue paint.
Two cows in a field...one says to the other: "Blimmin' horses...coming over here, taking our jobs..."
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?
A wonky
My wife saw this one lat night:
Man walks into a restaurant and orders a burger. The waiter asks if he would like anything on it? Reply - Sure, a fiver each way
Man goes to the doctor and says "I have a terrible speech problem - I can't pronounce 'f' or 'th' "
The doc says "well, you can't say fairer than that then!"
What's gold and sounds like a pirate?
Pyrite.
What do you call a fat computer-A Dell
A variant of that joke
What do you call a singing computer....
Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
What do you call a blind deer??
No eye deer
What do you call a blind deer with no legs?
Still no eye deer!!
Q: Where does the king keep his armies?
A: In his sleevies!
Another variant...
Q: Where are the Andes?
A: At the end of the Wristies.
But in recent news:A horse walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve food here"
Conversely:
A hamburger walks into a bar.
The barman says "why the long face?"
----------
Two birds are sat on a perch.
One says to the other "can you smell fish?"
maccruiskeen - Member
Completely not what the OP is asking for but I've been having some fun trawling this site:knock knock
who is there
watermalon
watermalon who
nobody. but your head looks like a watermalon
That website is inspired. Nothing offensive in there either.
Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones! Is this common?
Well,.......It's not unusual.
IGMC
What do you call an invisible dinosaur?
Doyouthinkhesaurus.....
What do you call a donkey with 3 legs?A wonky
. . . .no . . .
Eor to have 4
Roses are red
Apples are fruity
If you're having lasagne
It's probably black beauty
A baby polar bear walks up to his mum. In a confused voice he asks, "Mum, am I a polar bear?"
"Why yes son, you are a polar bear" She replies.
The little one nods his head and walks away.
5 minutes later he's back.
"Mum?"
"Yes?" She says suspiciously.
"Are you SURE I'm a polar bear?"
Exasperated she replies, "Yes son. I'm a polar bear, your dads a polar bear, therefore your a polar bear!"
The cub walks away looking confused. After half an hour he approaches his dad.
"dad?" he asks.
The dads been expecting this, "is this about the polar bear thing?" he asks.
"Yes."
"Look, your mum's explained this to you. Your a white furry bear, so its safe to say your a polar bear. Why do you keep asking?"
"Cause I'm fricking freezing!"
Once upon a time, there was an inflatable boy. The inflatable boy lived in an inflatable house, with an inflatable family. He went to an inflatable school with an inflatable teacher and even an inflatable principle.
One day, the inflatable boy took a pin to his inflatable school. The inflatable teacher let out a gasp and sent him to the principle's office.
The inflatable principle said, "I'm very disappointed in you son. Not only have you let yourself down, you've let me down and you've let the whole school down!"
What do you call a French lion tamer?
Claudé
How do you make a cheese puff ????
Chase it around the garden
What do you call a French lion tamer?Claudé
Would have been funny without the accent.
😉
Polar bear walks in to a bar and says, "Can I have a pint of................................lager please?"
Barman says, "Of course, but why the big pause?"
"BECAUSE I'M A POLAR BEAR!"
Why cant you hear a pterodactyl go to the toilet?
Because the p is silent
Q. What did one apple say to the other apple?
A. Are we a pear?
Q. What did the snowman say to the other snowman?
A. Can you smell carrots?
Why did the snooker player go to the toilet? He wanted to pot the brown.
2 fish in a tank, one says 'can you drive it then?'
I'm waiting in the dentists, reading a magazine - isn't it terrible about the titanic !!!
Two hungry vampire bats decide to have a contest on who can find the most blood.
They both leave at the same time and agree a one hour limit.
After 56 minutes the first bat returns, struggling to fly with a full stomach but feeling quite happy with himself. He'd found three mice and drained them dry.
15 minutes later he's still waiting for his opponent to return, happy that he's won. Then he spots the other bat staggering back, flying from tree to tree. That's odd, he thinks. Eventually the bat returns, covered ear to claw in blood with a wild look in his eyes.
Shocked, but a little impressed, the first bat asks where he found such bountiful blood supplies!
"Well, you see that ash tree over there"
"Yeah, I see it"
"See that big oak next to it?"
"Yeah?"
"I didn't..."