[Closed] child custody, access - am I being unreasonable?

So I don't know the ins and outs, but I expected you to be saying that she was now denying access to your children every weekend but actually you don't want them every weekend?

I think you are very lucky that you get the opportunity to spend every weekend with them and should embrace the opportunity.

No, you're not being a crap father yunki. I guess there's nothing in writing about this short term arrangement?

I think you need to put your foot down and if it takes mediation then so be it. She is being unreasonable.

Having fallen out with you more than once and still finding many of your posts an opinions quite unreasonable I was all set to tell you yes you are being unreasonable. But Actually on prima facie, if yer telling the troof, then no its seems quite reasonable that now things are up and running she needs to start being more equal.

I am going through the custody fight just now. My advice would be to not **** about trying to talk sense to her and head straight for mediation.

The mother of my children is currently busy dictating when I can and can't see my children. The current set up appears to be once in every 15th blue moon. I'm taking her to court for 50:50 custody. Getting a great solicitor has made this a much less painful process than it was. I have been seriously impressed by her work and her ability to send a warning shot in a letter scares me.

I wish you the best of luck.

yeah.. I have them wednesday to sunday every week.. I love it, they love it and we wouldn't have it any other way...

But is it right that I forgo every weekend for all eternity to accommodate their mother's workaholism?

[EDIT: oops, sorry, that was in response to johndoh, I got a lot of rapid replies there! 🙂 ]

Okay, that changes it a bit - you have them for 5 days, she has them for 2? Sounds like she's the one that needs to look at herself.

I'd be asking if I wanted my children to go to a mother (and new partner, maybe a large part of the equation?) who didn't want to move heaven and earth to be with them. Everyone has commitments but it sounds to me like they are putting money & stuff ahead of family.

?If you want a weekend away or something can grandparents/uncles/aunts/parents of kids friends not step in? that way you get to keep them for the 95% of the time that you'd want to anyway

Appreciate that's not the same as the mother pulling her weight but gets you the outcome without the ballache?

you have them for 5 days, she has them for 2

Ok that's not quite right, we alternate wednesdays so that the split is equal, but she dictates when I have them in the school holidays, and won't budge on weekends.. because 'work'

Everyone has commitments but it sounds to me like they are putting money & stuff ahead of family.

That's my argument (and strangely hers too) and it is always my generosity with my time that redresses the balance on this..

I need to get to a point where there is no negotiation, where the times and days are set in stone, because negotiating with her is impossible.. because 'work'

but she dictates when I have them in the school holidays

Yip - mediation, probably followed by court action when mediation fails.

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I found the family court was the only option, mediation was involved once we arrived at court.

Like yourself we had managed to agree an informal arrangement but then something happened, and I think something will always happen, and the informal agreement fell apart. I took her to court and got it made formal. The court agreed with me completely and I actually got better access for Xmas's.

In your case you need to get this formally agreed. Even if you get over this argument, there will be others at some point down the line. Do it.

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

Thanks for the input archbishop

I am being told that this is not supporting the best interests of our children

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I'd be in a psychiatric unit if we were still together!

or have a nice new patio!

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I'd be in a psychiatric unit if we were still together!

yep, me too. get yerself a formal court agreement in place.

Couple of questions:

How old are the kids?

Does she also have time off (Mon Tues) or does she work 7 days a week?

the kids are 6 and 3, she takes the litte'un to work with her on mondays and he's at nursery on tuesdays

I guess the argument is that he wants to move on, just as she does but they have a shared responsibility in the children. If he takes the lions' share of responsibility for them then he has less opportunity to move on.

in a nutshell yes

Negotiation can only work if both people take part. If she's refusing, play that game too. Tell her how it's going to be, she can't force you to do anything you don't want to. Emotional blackmail? fine. Tell her she need to spend more of her weekends with her children and less chasing money.

numbnut + 1
record everything, how do the kids feel about it?
Also is this about you having weekends away & babysitting? If so, do you have other family/friends that could help out?

If you have the kids 5 days per week then it means you're their main carer... do you want to give that up?

I think it's the whole negotiation process that causes the problems..

she has a huge sense of entitlement because she chooses to work so hard and it gets thrown at me relentlessly, and realistically, unless I agree to her proposals I am in for a rough time

I'm gonna make an appointment for mediation

Hi,

Firstly, think carefully about what you may be giving up and be certain this will not lead to a further loss of access later down the line. I'd certainly hang on to the 50/50 joint custody.

If you dont agree and BOTH of you are not happy with the arrangement, then bring in a third party. This could even be a counsellor of a mutually respected friend. But you need to broker some kind of agreement soon or it may grow into resentment / arguing in front of kids or even worse the kids picking up that you may not always want them.

And the answer is NO you are not being unreasonable.

can I just ask about cash if you have the cost of 5/7s of the childcare and in particular the expensive weekends so she can earn oodles of money does she pay significant maintenance / child support ?

What would happen if you had to move jobs and ended up losing the ability to work from home in the week, or even work a weekend?

Seems she's being very short sighted

[quote=5thElefant ]You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I have to say, that was my first thought too. It was your partner you fell out with not your kids.

Two camps seem to be forming, those who think you should make the most of having your kids around at weekends and those who think your ex is abusing the situation. I'll go with making the most of your kids while you can and only renegotiate if you aren't as available.

Crankboy asks a sensible question.

But is it right that I forgo every weekend for all eternity to accommodate their mother's workaholism?

That's a question you should've asked before having kids. IF you were still married, that's what you'd be doing anyway regardless of her work...you'd have the kids at the weekend, like everybody else with family.

I think you're really rather lucky. I'd even be considering asking for full custody, if both the kids were up for it.

I'd be very careful how you word the next steps in discussions with the sprogs. I suspect you might be about the only dad in the UK who has started mediation/ legal steps to see less of their children. Once that has been translated by a miffed ex into child speak ("Daddy doesn't want to spend time with you any more and is asking the courts to make mummy give up her job so she can look after you at the weekends because daddy thinks it will be more fun without you around") you'll be despised by the littluns until the end of your days.

That's a question you should've asked before having kids. IF you were still married, that's what you'd be doing anyway regardless of her work...you'd have the kids at the weekend, like everybody else with family.

EDIT:
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If he hadn't split up with her in the 1st place then his kids would also see their mum every weekend, it works both ways.

He's not after seeing his kids less he's still wanting 50/50 but alternate weekends.

I suspect you might be about the only dad in the UK who has started mediation/ legal steps to see less of their children.

Start proceedings to get them 100% of the time then she can pay you maintenance and beg for a few weekends.

Seems as if you both want to be part time parents and the kids are in the middle, no law or easy fix to sort your problems only mediation. and lots of argument.

I can't offer any real input but with a brand new little 'un around my first instincts are already mentioned

You would have then 7 days a week if you were still together.

I think you're really rather lucky. I'd even be considering asking for full custody, if both the kids were up for it.

I'd be very careful how you word the next steps in discussions with the sprogs. I suspect you might be about the only dad in the UK who has started mediation/ legal steps to see less of their children. Once that has been translated by a miffed ex into child speak ("Daddy doesn't want to spend time with you any more and is asking the courts to make mummy give up her job so she can look after you at the weekends because daddy thinks it will be more fun without you around") you'll be despised by the littluns until the end of your days.

I guess the real issue is feeling like the ex is not taking you for a ride, rather than wanting to see the children less. If the kids are up for it and the current arrangement continues then I guess the real thing that would make you feel better is more proportionate finances. If you look at it that way does it change anything for you? Either way I guess you have to start a formal dialog to get the ex to pull her weight in some shape or form. Best of luck for the whole family

Certainly not the thread I was expecting to see.

Most separated dads don't see enough of their kids, and I can understand why some find your question odd in that context.

However, actually reading your situation, if what you have said is correct then she needs to rethink her priorities.

And if she is effectively the absent parent and main breadwinner, is she paying you in anything in child support?

Jeez, the dude just wants a weekend off once in a while! Why shouldn't the ex do her bit on a few weekends?

I don't think Yunki is trying to be less of a parent, I think he reckons its better for his kids, and needs a break. In a dual parent situation each parent often takes turns with the kids, I know we do exactly that, so in a way all he is asking for is normality. You people can sometimes find offence in any old thing, whilst Yunki might be a bit gobby he is basically decent and doing the decent thing so back off warchildren.

i do 50:50 split exactly down the middle over a fortnight - with every other full weekend at either parent

i agree - the mother is relinquishing her parenting duties

kids need both parents - arguably at OP childrens age more their mother.

its really hard to change / convince someone who's selfish to change their ways

mediation or a strongly worded legal letter is best

good luck

Just exploring all avenues here but as mum has monday and tuesday as her 'slack' days maybe she sees herself as giving over 100% of her 'weekends' and thinks you should reciprocate - not saying she's right but that may be her slant on it?

She is remarried to a guy.

So the two parent household won't agree to look after the kids 50% of the time and expects the single parent (assuming OP is single) to do them all. Seems grossly unfair. Wanting to have a weekend away from your kids now and then is not unreasonable or bad parenting.

^^. Plus it's the resentment caused by feeling you're always on the receiving end of someone else's decision. Get mediation or put your foot down.

so in my mind.. it's like this
We've grown a massive amount of empty feeling and resentment for each other, but of course at the same time we still have a small amount of love for each other out of a mutual respect, our boys and the people that we used to be many years ago..
but that love is like a tiny dot in the emptyness, like a spot in a yin-yang..

most of the time we can use that tiny dot when we think of each other or speak to each other but when conflict arises it get's overwhelmed
I still don't know if mediation will settle our dispute

But I'm sorry for being a shit about it

But I'm sorry for, quite reasonably, complaining that my ex is being a shit about it

FTFY. Hope it works out.

[i]I need to get to a point where there is no negotiation, where the times and days are set in stone, because negotiating with her is impossible.. [/i]

Be careful what you wish for, a Pal had a 15 minute 'window' on picking his up...

I'd be more looking to 'book' weekends where they would have the kids.

Can you agree with the proviso that any weekends you want off will mean she has to pay for childcare? Not great, but it's a start.

Sounds like you are being used a bit here. I don't think you are being unreasonable in wanting the odd weekend off at all, but at the same time you can't be a doormat.

I'm also sticking up for 5thElefant. I think what was meant was you'd have the kids 7 days a week if you'd not split up, so how would that be dealt with. Not a judgement of what happened to your marriage/relationship!

Good luck. I hope it works out well for you.