Be …ORSUMZ!
Think … a lot about bewbs.
Work … if I absolutely have to
Support …bewbs.

What do I be? I be driving moi tractor!
What do I think? I think "what do I work" is just gibberish

Do you push the envelope and think outside the box?

Are you The Original Alpha Male?

Use words like holistic, heuristic, deliverables, collaborative, delusional exactitude etc and you'll be adored by management

I think your boss needs to improves his Englundz.

Be a master debater

run it up the flagpole !

Fist **** the unicorn.?

Don't forget the granularity. Always the Granularity.

delusional exactitude

Oh my! That's good!

Don't forget the granularity. Always the Granularity.

I believe this started at Barclays. The rumour has it that some high-up started using granularity, and then everyone copied him. It became a real "thing" for anyone at Barclays Bungalow (in Canary Wharf) to use the word, and it spread from there.

Fist **** the unicorn.?

That's a niche adult market.

You need to ring fence the unicorn and shift to a new paradigm.

Don't forget to say that you be Agile and Value-Focussed

When are you going to socialize this?

I be agile, value focussed and operate with delusion exactitude... yeah, man I'm feeling this.

Looking forward, you need to step back and see the bigger picture
You need to globally align the collaboration tools for holistic processes

Alternatively try some acronyms...

Fully understand customer knowledge with immersive technologies
Bring onboard long leadtime optimal customer knowledge strategies
Control onboarding customer knowledge
Weight alternative neartime knowledge extension roles strategically

@CFH love that Barclays story!

Use any combination of: socialize, collaborate, play back, higher ups, C-Suite, step back, 30,000 feet view, decisioning, programme, lead

Never: expert, knowledge, technical, introvert

We had a lovely young lady from HR or someplace come to our mnangement meeting to tell us all about the organisation's new "patient focussed" approach. we're the NHS when the * did being "patient focussed" become new? But best of all what totally awesome buzzword do we have for this? iMatter !! * me that one must have been run up the flagpole a few times so bunch of nuggets could congratlute themselves on their cleverness.
*ingi*ingMatter??? *ing *wits

Btw, its a project mgmt job, may help.

@richardk.. loving those! At least one is going in

"Let's run it across the cheese bridge"

Def. taking an idea developed by blue sky thinking and testing the solidity of the projects principal communication methods in supporting the weight of that idea.

Btw, its a project mgmt job, may help.

Kill yourself now.

Always remember that you're not just a stakeholder, you're a thought leader that lives by the core values and they're not clients they're partners in the decision landscape which obviously depends on their risk appetite

[i]Kill yourself now.[/i]

Many a true word spoken in jest

Btw, its a project mgmt job, may help.

Perhaps a crimp can be leveraged concentrically, or all process variables be aligned to ensure it ?

sorry, I don't do this shit* for a living

* 😳

Traction and Stakeholders obvs

Think Barney Stinson with your replies.

Jeez, I'm too tired to creatively put this stuff into my C.O.B. (charter of bollocks).
Will get to work on it in the morning.
Thanks fellas, knew you'd come up with the goods 😀

I've got pages of these things that I've been collecting from work for a few years. I'll dig out a few up to date ones in the morning. "Living our core values" is a good one

Tell them you're a modern man...

Think across the piece.

Boil frogs, spot the elephant in the room, leverage and synergise

Or are leveraging and synergising out of date now ?

working towards a successful crimp

I would interpret that as 'halfway through doing a shit'.

"Not so much blue sky but surface hopping between grey clouds and sunshine" is how a RM finished her diatribe of hate last week.

Oh and we need to put the mood hoover back in its store.
Is funding available to learn this crap?

I think you need to deleverage the juggernaut here. You will want an incremental target based objective map and to sweat the core aset base. Don't worry about the elephant in the room but be cautious of Hadge's arachnids.

I had an interview about 7 years ago for a different job in the police, with an HR women and a Det Supt doing the interview. One of the questions was complete HR ****speak, and for the life of me I couldn't even recite it straight afterwards. I just apologised and said I didn't have a clue what they were even asking me. The HR woman gave me the filthiest stare that lasted the rest of the interview, but the Det Supt couldn't stop chuckling. I think he had the final say.

Don't forget to mention your "can-do" attitude 👿

So, what do I bring to this new role?
What is my Personal Statement?
What do I:
Be …
Think …
Work …
Support …

I bring it back to the bottom of the map.
All the ladies think I'm pretty fly for a white guy.
I believe I can fly.
I think we're alone now.
I work it to the bone.
I support single mothers.

Also mention your self-starting approach, highly developed emotional intelligence and how you like to productize client scenarios to leverage the P&L figures

Securitization is another nugget
and of course your key role in the development of a high market penetration rate in the "insert trade here" space

When my brother was working for RBOS, he dropped "jargonizing" (spelt, most definitely, with a z) into a bunch of papers and meetings. What he meant was, you lot are using made up bullshit which makes simple concepts incomprehensible. What happened was, other people started using jargonizing seriously in other meetings and papers.

Meanwhile I got away with cromulent in a meeting but I bottled it and got it removed from the minutes before it got sent to our governing body

Don't forget to horizon scan, identify low-hanging fruit and develop systemic frameworks with your toolkit! Don't drop the baby or throw the baby out with the bathwater unless of course you are downsizing or refocusing the brand values at the cash cows and not the lame dogs.

Invent a word, or better yet a cringeworthy slogan. Insert it into your corporate wegamank and watch everyone trying to ascend into the CEO's anus copy you chapter and verse.

My new favourite is "implementation gap".

It's not the nights drawing in that depress me at this time of year, it's having to complete my PD submission - in a language I don't speak. I detest the whole exercise.

Just make sure you take a Humancentric approach 🙂

Go beyond your achievement horizon

“Synergies” is the one that boils my wee. Also, anyone who uses the term “Artisan” for anything other than restoring antique furniture is a ####.

And finally. This man is a “Stakeholder”.

[img] [/img]

Just make sure you take a Humancentric approach

Go beyond your achievement horizon

They're definitely going in!

Look, people, I think i we're all going into solution mode here, we need to park this and revisit it in the break out. We can workshop it there for an optimum outcome.

I did actually ask my boss in a recent meeting with a guy in Luxembourg if it was a full house, he agreed - I'm not sure the guy got what I meant though he was too busy thinking about the synergies between his out of the box approaches that would incentivise our customers.

Still fails to beat the poster that recently arrived from HQ, all it featured the was the word "Clean". There may have been some context to this that I missed/ignored, but it is still my favourite corporate word we've had in poster form.

The best one I've heard recently is "yes, we eat our own dog food". It was when I asked a guy from a company selling a project monitoring tool if they used it themselves. I [i]think[/i] I know what he meant.

Implement a strategy to enable you to access the low-hanging fruit

Could you triage this from a governance perspective?

I wish this was something I'd just made up, rather than the sort of pish I have to sit through more and more.

Technology and an unrestricted free market economy are taking away a lot of the jobs where people actually do stuff (be that with hand or brain or both) and people are increasingly desperate to keep themselves occupied and relevant, in unnecessary and often obstructive middle management roles, 'working' without producing anything, hence the rise in popularity of this kind of thing, to mask that fact.

In contrast to a week ago, having read this thread, I'm quite looking forward to my appraisal next month.

I had an interview about 7 years ago for a different job in the police, with an HR women and a Det Supt doing the interview. One of the questions was complete HR ****speak, and for the life of me I couldn't even recite it straight afterwards. I just apologised and said I didn't have a clue what they were even asking me. The HR woman gave me the filthiest stare that lasted the rest of the interview, but the Det Supt couldn't stop chuckling. I think he had the final say.

Did you get the job..?

The difference between a try(i) and a triumph is just a little "umph"

I actually like that in a twee way. Much of the stuff I attempt to Project Manage is work that's got stuck at the "almost done" stage and just needs a little determination and effort to finish.

TM

Make sure you daylight the opportunities.

You be jammin' clearly

Escalate the yin-yang

Did you get the job..?

Oh yes 🙂

Pick the low hanging fruit and, going forward, focus on deliverables by empowering all the stakeholders?

How about your fully plugged-in attitude towards carving out a way forwards to reduce the dimensionality, and gain optical traction?

All genuine stuff I've s****ed about at work!

Looking forward, you need to step back and see the bigger picture
You need to globally align the collaboration tools for holistic processes

Alternatively try some acronyms...

Fully understand customer knowledge with immersive technologies
Bring onboard long leadtime optimal customer knowledge strategies
Control onboarding customer knowledge
Weight alternative neartime knowledge extension roles strategically

I've made it a personal focussed goal to get on of these into my personal year-end goal-oriented employee performance review....... 😐

Did all of this BS start when The Personnel Department got rebranded as Human Resources? Within a week your computer screen had become a Human Machine Interface, going for a piss was a Comfort Break and chatting about a problem was Divergent Thinking.

I’ve just had a training session this morning. On leaving I was presented with a buzzword branded retractable lanyard and key card holder.

We don’t have key cards on this site.

I think this is what you are looking for DezB
[url= http://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html ]http://www.atrixnet.com/bs-generator.html[/url]

synergistically utilize state of the art growth strategies 🙂

Remember guys, Culture eats Strategy for breakfast.

And don't forget to syngergise all those valencies. Digitally, of course.

Aw ****.. I'm just coming to the end of my latest 6 months jolly and am starting to look for some work. Reading this reminds me how much I enjoy corporate bullshine... :-/

To counter the increasing BS we were being exposed to, a colleague answering the question "Please describe your relationship with your manager" with:

"My management interaction endangers my morale"

Nobody batted an eyelid.

I always print one of these out for meetings :-

http://www.businessbuzzwordbingo.com/

I always have my ducks in a row, much like how I get all my sh1t in one sock. In the summer, I tackle the closest crocodile to the canoe, but now it's winter, I have to go for the wolf nearest the sledge. PM FTW.

I've posted this before, but I like it. I promise I haven't made it up, it was in a company-wide email:

[i]"Firstly, we have signed a transformational outsourcing deal with xxxx which will deliver an increase to our cost synergies from the £112m per annum in 2013, which we will still hit on time, to £143m per annum by 2015. This deal de-risks the embedded value, contractualises the delivery of the cost synergies, and it de-risks the execution of our plans, allowing us to focus on the other opportunities we have as a business."[/i]

I proper lolzed when I read it. And died a bit inside.

At a party, a bloke was telling me about how having to travel a lot with work meant that he saw less of his family than he liked. He said he made his kids tell him 5 things about school every night. He said (without a hint of sarcasm) "I think of it as a framework for managing communication with my kids".

Hello.
I bottled it. Had to present it in front of a crowd..and I was called up first! I know, I know. I'm disappointed in myself.

I'll send the bullshit bingo one to the boss though.

"I think of it as a framework for managing communication with my kids".

"The elephant in the room..."

[img] [/img]

"...just left."

Not quite the same, but when bored in a meeting I’ll try to sneak as many mixed-metaphors under the basket as I can. So far I’ve managed:

Going for the fruit nearest the canoe
Keeping your eye on the carrot at the end of the tunnel (and separately, accusing everyone of ignoring the elephant at the end of the tunnel).
Barking up the wrong end of the stick
Run it up the flagpole and see what sticks
Getting all your crocodiles in a row
Putting all my eggs in one canoe

Either my boss is dim, or he thinks I am and isn’t letting on... (He likes to maximise the synergies from the triple bottom line, so I suspect it’s him).