Be the best dad you can be, communicate, never say no without a valid reason
Like many others I've been through similar, in my case during the first covid lockdown.
Legal advice is there if you need it (luckily I didn't), as others have said no matter how bad it gets keep it as amicable as possible, maintain dignity and stay rational. It will all be in your favour in the long run.
You will never be replaced as your daughter's Dad. My ex recently moved in with her new partner and with my daughter. I was terrified my daughter would have no need for our relationship and questioned what I could offer her. After the novelty wore off we're probably getting on better than ever, in fact shes always hassling her mum to come and see me.
As hard as its going to feel now keep doing the stuff you enjoy when you can bikes/outdoor/hobbies, see friends family and keep talking. You need to look after yourself and give yourself time to adjust too. All the stuff people told me sounded like cliche but all turned out to be right.
Sorry to read this. Without being clinical, agree with the others advising you go down the legal route ASAP.
A very good friend had a messy split from his wife, I helped him move out on the day while his (now ex) father in law monitored our every move and I felt sick to the pit of my stomach. He's sadly needed to call on that legal agreement several times so it's been a good thing it's in place.
Thats absolutely brutal. What an awful way for the wife to go about things - hope thats not the sign of things to come but you know her better than most. I went through something similar (although not the final day like your was - was still the hardest thing i have ever had to do, tell my daughter her parents were splitting up) with my now 10 year old daughter 3 years ago - never went through solicitors and the arrangements have changed a lot over the 3 years, just trying to take everyones feelings into consideration. We are trying to keep it as informal as possible and it seems to be working at the moment, but thats because me and the ex have an Ok relationship.
As others have said, get her a phone asap, what kept me going on the nights I did not have her were nightly facetimes - not the same as her being next to me but could see her little face and have some decent interaction. I think also the fact she knew she could get in touch with me at anytime, and vice versa, was a huge comfort to us both.
i try and view the nights I do not have her as some unexpected free time, try and use it wisely, do things you always wanted to but time was never there, go on more bike rides, watch films you never had a chance to, read books you always wanted to etc ect, make the time count (I didnt the first few months, I just drank and watched football)!
To finish, I think you just need to promise yourself that you will always be there for her, and to tell her that as well. And that time does indeed make things more bearable.
Open to PM if you ever need unloading...
Best of luck going forward
What a prick.
I'm not that proper close but closish as I'm near Stranraer if your ever over on the boat! Will treat you to a pint.
Daz, hope you’re ok. Really dickish move. Wonder if your wife had taken into consideration other peoples feelings.
I’m currently going through very similar, I’m 18 months ahead of you. Won’t bore you with my details, but if you have the money, get to a solicitor asap. As much as it hurts now, time will heal and life will get better.
Great to see the forum being it's fantastic supportive self when it's needed.
Maybe talk to your daughter about what she wants, who she wants to live with? She’s old enough to know her own mind.
Holy moly. Virtual hugs man! Can't begin to think how that must feel. I'm sure you and your daughter will have lots and lots of good times ahead though. Fingers crossed for you
Hey man, wishing you and your daughter well. Similar thing happening in my family and we and a call with a solicitor today. They recommended a mediator as first step to agree ground rules. If you agree things and if required this can be written up into a legal document. Highly recommend a free 30 minute consultation with a solicitor who can explain options. I know that's likely the last thing on your mind right now but independent help getting things organised so they are fair can really help. Good luck and hope things get better soon.
Thank you all for your replies, I really do appreciate it. It’s really difficult I must admit, I had a little contact with my daughter today but it really hurt. She would spend all day on her phone apps if I let her so she has to request more time, she wanted time on Amazon to buy nice things for her new room as she put it. It was really difficult to try to be strong and graceful about that and just left me a mess again afterwards.
I guess things will get better but it’s hard to see how, I suppose I have to be thankful that I had those 12 years, if I handnt turned a blind eye I wouldn’t have had that.
Thank you everyone
I feel for you Daz. Was in the same situation. Feels rough for a while but you're always her Dad, and the bond stays. I have a great relationship with my (now 14) only daughter (only child). Her time with me is stress free and relaxed, kind of a break from the weekly routine with her Mum. Sometimes we'll have a day doing nothing, sometimes go out for the day. Make your time with her work. Kids do bounce back and better happy Mum & Dad than arguments at home. Best wishes, Chris.
Daz, I don’t know what to add that hasn’t been said better by members posting above - but this is an awful thing for you to go through.
Jay
Terrible situation and I’m really sorry you’re having to go through it Daz. Lots of good advice already about getting ground rules etc in place. I would add another perspective - I’ve been through this as the 12 year old and sat here 39 years later I still want to cry when I think about it. My parents split was horrific - violence, nastiness, accusations, you name it, so seriously well done for being brave enough to just walk away without a fuss on the night. It sounds like you are doing just that, but please put everything aside and focus on your daughter and your relationship with her. She needs you to be you, if you start allowing yourself to become bitter, jealous, etc that will be visible to her. Whatever you and your wife do now, good or bad, will affect her emotionally for the rest of her life.
new father figure
My parents split when I was 10 years old. Mum met my now step dad pretty qucikly. I remember my Mum asking if I wanted to call him Dad. It was a strong no, didn't need anytime to consider that. Step dad, he was fine, a nice guy, but NEVER a new Dad. Their split was messy, but I always admired and loved my Dad. And always looked forward to Friday nights with great anticipation when we went to sleep at his flat.
Dad was totally skint too, lived off beans on toast etc. But we did cheap stuff; went on our bikes too the woods, and fishing, and camping etc. Memories that stuck with me for life. At 42, those are the things I do with my kids, and my Dad loves that he planted those seeds.
You are her Dad, you are irreplaceable.
Thanks everyone for every word, have to admit reading this all has brought many tears. I stood strong all my daughters life and never let her see fights or weakness, I know it was less than ideal but I hope I’ve given her some kind of start in life, even though it wasn’t the upbringing I wanted for her.
I guess it’s only now that I realise I was giving all my strength just to stand still, now that she isn’t there with me I know that her little light was carrying me as much as I was caring for her
I guess things will get better but it’s hard to see how, I suppose I have to be thankful that I had those 12 years, if I handnt turned a blind eye I wouldn’t have had that.
Hang on, wait?
She'll be back next week. and then every other week for the next few years... you've got loads more years to have with her yet.
Find your nearest citizens advice type office now, don't dick about.
https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/about-us/northern-ireland/
