[Closed] Becoming a New Dad - general advice very much required...

Also read this. It doesn't have answers, but it does have reasonable advice in an approachable humorous way.

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I should add, at some stage when the baby becomes capable of independent movement there will be a small accident. This is when you learn more about how to position the baby safely. It is VERY ****ING IMPORTANT that your wife, and definitely not you is caring for the baby at this point. She will be hysterical and you will get to keep your testicles 😉

2 boys here: 2.5 yrs and 6 months.

Watching them pop out is pretty special and made me cry the first time. Second time; been there and done it so just happy he came out looking as red and ugly as the first one. Overall they are ace and you'll love them loads and worry about what their future brings and if they will be healthy etc.

Now for some truths:
**You will argue more than you have before - lack of sleep and a new responsibility do that.

**Sometimes you will resent the children for stopping you doing what you want to do - but looking back on it when they in bed you will think they are ace and the best things ever. Don't beat yourself up if you feel like this it's normal (I hope)

**They are pretty boring for the first few months and do little. Once they get to 4-5 months you can see their personality developing and then they start smiling and all is good.

**Women generally think they are ace, blokes (especially those with no kids) don't and are not that bothered so try not to bore you mates with stories about how ace they are - your mates don't really care.

**Babies are U.G.L.Y until they get to 6 months or so. This is even more true for baby girls - they look just like their dad's. So if you meet people at NCT etc who have girls you'll need to practice your lying or at least try not to recoil in shock the first time you see the baby girl.

**If you got to an NCT class in a posh area it will be mainly full of people who you are not interested in staying in contact with.

**You're wife will get a bit mental and fixed on certain the things - she'll need a certain pram and then realise in a few months that it was not really necessary. She will also be really worried about keeping things clean and not having second hand stuff etc. By 6/7 months the baby will be on the floor licking it and putting everything in sight in it's mouth!

**Breastfeeding - yeah it's the best but if you're baby and wife are not getting on with it and the baby is loosing weight then tell her you are happy for the kid to have a bottle (if you are that is). This happened to us and my wife thought i would be annoyed if we gave him a bottle - baby lost weight and wife was very stressed and unhappy and we were getting no sleep. Started to feed both ways and it was all so much better

So all this wonderful advice and stuff, but where's Bullheart himself, eh?

Trying to get a refund.

Your wife is going to need her sleep.

Take on the small hours feeds, changing, and comforting.

And never, ever, argue with a first time mum. They are the only people who know more than the big hitters on here...

Careful where you put the coin.

2 boys, nearly 5 and 3 and a half.

Got family nearby? Will make HUGE difference if they are the helping type.

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

2) Did the NCT classes help?

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

I appreciate this may sound harsh. I am very tired. 🙂

actually...the one to watch out for is not the first time mum, but the first time mum in law...

...do not try to discuss anything relating child rearing...

Now for some truths:

Hmm, pretty much disagree with all of them. 😀

A lot of guff is spouted about having a baby, but there's some great stuff up there ^

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

Pre-birth - lots of DIY. Birth - lots of looking after Mrs Udder. Emergency C section for Mrs Udder after ~26 hours. Udderlet in ICU for three days, but luckily he was fine. Not so fine were all the other babies in ICU that he woke up by yelling at the top of his voice whenever he needed feeding - the boy has lungs like Miguel Indurain.
The bikes went in the shed for the first few months - I think I got a couple of short 45 minute rides in, but as you can imagine from the previous sentence, the nipper kept us very busy. At the time, it's frustrating as hell, because a short ride really helps me get rid of a lot of stress really quickly, but sometimes you just have to suck it up instead.

2) Did the NCT classes help?

Yes, although the first few classes were pretty disappointing. Then we all got on as a group, with a couple of exceptions. It was very helpful for Mrs Udder, too, as it's good to be able to share the same problems - believe me when I say stuff that's a big deal in the first few months is replaced by other stuff that's a big deal later - it's a continual cycle. We were lucky enough to get a great NCT teacher whose first bit of advice (and it's good) was: you'll get a lot of advice, including stuff from me, that is not relevant to you in the slightest. It's entirely up to you whether you take it or not.
Generally the classes were good mental prep with a fair chunk of practical thrown in. Certainly we didn't come across any yoghurt knitting breastfeeding nazis, which is what some people seem to dismiss NCT as.
I'd say NCT is worth a punt - go along to an introductory one (they do an early pregnancy one for 15 quid from memory) and if it's good, sign up for the whole course. We found it really useful for knowing what was happening during childbirth, but YMMV. The NHS ones are equally good/bad too, by the way.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

No. As said above, it's real life. plus interweb forums are full of gimboids of the third water, and going anywhere near pregnancy and childcare ones will drive you insane with worry. Ignore them. You really, really don't need them.

The birth was truly amazing.

After 9 weeks I didn't want to go home.

On week 10 I rediscovered my joy.

11 months in and it is so rewarding that although my riding time has suffered, I couldn't care less!

Tips, for what it's worth. (my own as we didn't do NCT)

There is no such thing as the 'Mystical' or is that 'Mythical' routine for the first few weeks/months.

Be prepared to break all those rules you are making right now. But bear them in mind as the months fly by. (not plonking my kid in front of the box, no dummy's, not in our bed, etc)

Buy nearly everything second hand as it will most likely be like new.

If someone offers to have your baby for 10mins or overnight, say yes please.

Tell your missus when she is doing stuff well and bear in mind that, that fantastic, logical wife may lose her marbles for a week or two.

Sleeps overrated.

Watch your friends with lovely well behaved kids and copy them.

Watch your friends with orrible little buggers and avoid doing what they do.

Hope this helps and good luck 🙂

Oh, as said above, take as much weight off your wife/girlfriend's shoulders as you can. It all helps. I can fall asleep as required (probably a result of all the offshore sailing I did when younger) so did the night feeds as much as possible. I still do most of the getting up at night when the Udderlet wakes (not that often) and get a nice lie-in in return often enough for it to be a treat, but not so often that I take it for granted. Mostly, however, I do it because my wife on no sleep is like a bear with a sore head.

Shall we tell him about the meconium? 😉

Get a waterproof watch.
Use lots of Sudacreme (on the baby, not you).
Don't expect the second baby to be easier than the first(it might be, but then it might not).
NCT round here is a bit poncy and high concept, the NHS ante-natal classes were more down to earth.
Don't panic, babies are tough, the odd accidental fall off the sofa, or dip under the bath water won't do them any harm.

Oh god, almost forgot the most important one: under no circumstances take any notice of The Contented Little Baby Book. I believe the author used to be a contented little Nazi.

Shall we tell him about the meconium?

So GrahamS you would rather see your baby starve and your wife get very depressed than give a baby a bottle?

I'd also be suspicious of someone who does not find an increase in arguments when deprived of sleep and given 'advice' by everyone you speak to.........but maybe you're the quite type who doesn't like to argue (unlikely seeing as you post on here!)

Fair enough if your experiences are different - but I still think baby girls are ugly (you have girls don't you?).

What I was trying to get across was that it's not all rosy and a delightful experience - some of it is pretty stressful. But I think this is natural and in the end you'll look back on it and be happy

it all came across just fine lucas, don't listen to him anyways he bought a video monitor 😉 *

* joke mr S.

So GrahamS you would rather see your baby starve and your wife get very depressed than give a baby a bottle?

Nope. That was the bit I agreed with. 😀

The missus and I didn't argue more. We were stretched, no doubt, and sex virtually stopped but we've been together a long time so we got through it okay (so far anyways, ours is 19 months).

Fair enough if your experiences are different - but I still think baby girls are ugly (you have girls don't you?).

Our little girl was absolutely stunning from birth. But I'm biased. 😉

My firstborn is 11 months old - not ridden a bike much or been out on a weekend properly cos we have a lack of babysitters which is a bit of a bummer but it's worth it

NCT is useful but don't be afraid to call bs if you don't agree - get registered early with the local surestart centre as they do free classes

mumsnet is way too hysterical for my taste, ask specific questions on here 🙂

bullheart - Member

"So all this wonderful advice and stuff, but where's Bullheart himself, eh?"

Trying to get a refund.

😆 😆

For me Babies were crap. Toddlers were also pretty crap. Once they get to about 5 they are awesome. My 8 yo is my best little friend.

Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration but I the Boss and I have said Mummy is the light of their lives till the age of 5 or so. Then Dad becomes the coolest thing ever. I guess this ends about the age of 11/12. Not got there yet but am currently in the best bit for me.

Lots of good advice here, but can I add one thing that stopped me and the missus killing each other? You'll both be going non-stop for the first 3 months or so, but after that agree that each of you separately will have a full night off baby duties once a week. This night is untouchable, and can be used for whatever you want* - so you might go cycling, she might want to go for a meal with girlfriends, you get the idea. And do go out just as a couple if you get the chance.

*What you'll want to do is sleeeep. But make the effort to do something else - it'll do you good to spend some time with people who [i]aren't [/i]dribbling, shouting, and pooing themselves, sometimes simultaneously**.

**You may want to avoid arguments on here for the same reason 😉

Being a Dad is the bestest thing ever. They will touch your heart in ways you never thought possible and stir emotions you never realised you had. Children are fantastic and they are for life. They can be hard work at times but the payback is more than worth it.

After what you've achieved, you'll be a great Dad.

Trying to get a refund.

Did you not read the Terms and Conditions?

Idiot.

😐

oxytocin is a wonderful thing. without no child would survive 🙂

Get a trailer - keeps you fit (try riding your road route complete with all the usual uppy bits towing two little kids), I took up MTB'ing after the birth of my second one, as soon as they're old enough show them as many Danny MacAskill vids as you can then go out and do a really rubbish bunny hop - he/she/it will love you no matter what.

For me Babies were crap. Toddlers were also pretty crap. Once they get to about 5 they are awesome. My 8 yo is my best little friend.

Ok that is a bit of an exaggeration but I the Boss and I have said Mummy is the light of their lives till the age of 5 or so. Then Dad becomes the coolest thing ever. I guess this ends about the age of 11/12. Not got there yet but am currently in the best bit for me.

Now dont go taking this the wrong way uphillcursing but that does come across rather like the problem for you is/was, how do I put it? Well, you - in fact seems its all about you.

Toddlers are brilliant, but it is all about them, not how cool they think you are.

mate dont be afraid of it imbrace what is going to happen mines now 3 and its been rough it patches due to mecical conditions and is never a shining rainbow.
BUT the good times will outway the bad as mentioned get a trailer/baby seat at 6 months it will ensure theye are away from the tv on the weekend mornings we were out all the time in summer and still do when the chance comes up.
the bike never got left alone i went out on sunday mornings and she went to the pub 1 night a week so all was happy
from age of 2 she was in gaurage with me asking what the tools are and watcing me work with the radio on now i cant get to the shed without her wanting to join me and work on her bikes yes she has 2 and yes they have been tinkerd with (even if shes using a screwdriver to undo a pedal/headset shes having fun) thats the main and most important thing.

sorry bit long winded but its best way i can explain, do not fear it this is what were here to do.

See, they've got it all wrong above....

HAving a child is all about.. REVENGE....

Dressing them up in stupid Spiderman outfits you mum made you wear.
Enforcing the rules about when they go to bed/get up.
Making them wear sill knitted jumpers their nan made
feeding them lemons just to see their face they pull
feeding them sprouts, my mum made me eat sprouts and cabbage, you can bet they won't be getting away with it
throwing good snowballs at them, they need to toughen up and learn the hard ways of the world.
Finally getting to say "right, get to bed, you're not having any tea, just get to bed.... NOW "

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

The birth of our first was frankly alarming. The hospital really didn't cover themselves in glory, but then there was a scare when we were told that there was 5 mins to get the baby out or it was going to be an emergency caesarian. So, relief would be the main emotion when No 1 child emergedI coped astonishingly badly. I'm fine with kids but terrible with babies, and I generally had a year of despair. Hardly any sleep, struggled to cope with the change in the relationship, pressures at work......not great.

I didn't ride MTBs at the time, but my motorbikes each did about 200 miles that first year.

2) Did the NCT classes help?

No. Not even a little bit - unless they've changed, they were all about the point leading up to the birth, with very little focus on the practicalities of dealing with a kid who's ill and constantly crying, or how to cope when you're both perpetually knackered.

It's a bit like preparing for a marriage by concentrating solely on the wedding - a necessary precursor, but nowhere near the whole story

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

No idea. Here's probably at least as good as any - just fire away and we'll answer.

Advice I'd give - do your share (at least) of the rotten stuff, like taking days off when your kid's ill and can't go to the childminder (happens quite a lot), changing nappies, cleaning the house, doing the shopping. Listen to your wife when she tells you she'd had a terrible day at home (assuming she'll be home with BabyBull for the first few months), because I'm assured there's nothing more miserable than being stuck at home in the middle of winter with nothing but a crying child for company.

Taking weekends off to do bike races? Forget it for a while.

1. Avoid mumsnet. Do not let your missus near it either.
2. You will bicker over the smallest things due to lack of sleep. Accept this now and understand at times you may think 'our relationships gone, its gone downhill etc'. Some men walk out on a new mother rather than being a partner.
Your missus may have some wild hormonal anger etc- mine called the Police. Twice (once when I refused to let the dog back in and the other time when I was on a ride the dog disappeared). Yes hormones. Nice.
3. Go out now, both of you. Even if your partner feels tired etc- go see friends, go out for meals etc etc etc etc. Make the most of it and have a fantastic Christmas.

Enjoy 🙂

My better half (39) and I (43) knew nothing about kids when she announced she was pregnant, due March this year. We'd not grown up around any and not taken much of part in the kids lives of our friends....

We did 6 NCT classes. At first, we thought they were a waste - but actually, on reflection they were excellent. Prepared us for the emergency C section (we knew what was happening) - but mostly (and this sounds well corny), post birth, my better half had 5 other mothers all going through the same thing at the same time (ish). Really good support network. The classes were worth it just for that.

We were lucky - the 5 other couples on our course were all normal.

We didn't do the state run courses as friends had been and told us that they were generally full of younger parents, some who didn't want to be there and made it obvious.

EDIT - they do not prepare you for anything from birth onwards in my opinion.....!

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?
Fantastic elation at the birth.
You just get on with it and don't really have time to do anything else to start with.
The bike got me to work and got properly used some months later. A lot depends on whether you have an easy baby or one that is a F R I K I N N I G H T M A R E that never sleeps, has colic etc....

2) Did the NCT classes help?
Some basics to begin with never hurts but practise makes perfect.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?
You are already on it. Read the sage like wisdom above and soak up all the Pops experience like a sponge.

Life will never be the same but it will be better.

(Sometimes as Mr T struggles with hair bobbles and not those shoes Daddy on the school run, but its by bike so we'll have fun)

Every baby is different, every parent is different so dont be worried about doing the right or wrong thing.

However, routine is your friend, babies like it and it will make your lives easier. However babies too are cunning little buggers and will manipulate you with out you even realising it 🙂

You will never sleep again like you have done in the past.

As above in the first few weeks you will be that knackered you wont want to go out on the bike, and will have that much going on that you wont have the time.

Also - Try and create time for yourself and Mrs Bullheart. With so much going on its easy for your own relationship to go by the wayside. Further to that try and create time for both of you to do your own thing independantly you will want a break from looking after baby every so often.

We didn't do the state run courses as friends had been and told us that they were generally full of younger parents, some who didn't want to be there and made it obvious.

Mrshora went to those and the local NCT ones were booked solid for almost 6months ahead.

There were 15/16yr old girls there and all of them had issues just articulating speech let alone being a bloody mother.

Take some relaxing/enjoyable music- if nothing else will pass some time while you're waiting.
Take some reading material, forbefore when push comes to shove..
Take a wee toiletries bag for yourself, just having a toothbrush and some bodyspray made me feel much more awake and fresher afterwards..
The first two weeks will pass in a blur of nightime feeds, being amazed, being gubbed.
Nct classes? We didn't do them and don't think our wee two year old was worse off for it.
Your wife will prob read every development book there is, by all means have a flick through one or two but don't try and memorise everything.
No one is an expert when a first baby arrives, apart from poss granmothers- take advice from those you trust, but ultimately you and your wife know best.
Forum wise mumsnet has a dads section but tbh I think this place isn't too bad for advice, I would just continue to hang about here.
Oh aye, get some sleep now!

Right now there's probably a hierarchy in your house like this...

You - Your wife
Animals.

Up till now you've been treated roughly equally to your spouse. I'm afraid this is about to change.

Here's how things are going to look from now on, this will never change.

1. Children
2. Wife
3. Animals
4. Stuff that doesn't do very much moving.
5. You.

HTH.

(People kept telling me that kids pay you back in full, I've not seen one penny yet)

It is very hard work, but also very rewarding. I parked up biking for about 6 years, with the exception of sneaking out at nightime.

Get some good lights if you haven't already.

Congratulations by the way.

You need to keep riding.

It offers the opportunity to let off steam, deal with stress, keep you fit and give both of you some space.

Get up ultra early and you can be back by 11.30am ready for a family day.

If you don't keep riding you'll become difficult to be around IMO. You don't have to be glued at the hip. Some people will say you aren't doing your family duty if your not berching yourself. Ridiculous. The baby is part ofthe family unit, your lives don't eternally revolve around the baby.

More than one can be a different story of course.

Father of a 5-month old girl here...

I'm broke, permanently tired and have no time to ride my bikes. Despite all of that, I've never been happier. Most advice about parenting is conflicting, but don't worry, you'll find what works for you in time. Here are some other things to consider:

1. DIY. If you're planning any, do it now. We had our carpet put down the day before Miss R arrived, which was cutting it a little fine.
2. We had a homebirth, which we both thought was great...especially the care we got from the midwives.
3. You can get virtually everything you need second hand. For example, we got a £400 pram for £100. You'll also find that every friend and relative will want to buy a present for the baby, so don't buy too many clothes before he/ she is born.
4. Taking your baby out in a bike trailer is ace.
5. We found NCT to be very useful, but I hear conflicting reports. One benefit is that you'll make new friends who are in the same boat as you.
6. Gina Ford is an evil witch.
7. You will argue with your wife because you are both exhausted. Try to recognise this.

Hope this helps.

Shameless proud dad content:
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OP - go **** crazy. Get lots of sex in now. You aint getting shit in a few months time 😆 👿

As a 5 week veteran of fatherhood I can remember pre birth wondering whether I would be ready for the upheaval despite not really worrying to much about it. I think it's difficult for the dad to equate a bump to a babys sometime. That completely changes when they are born!

Personally, I found NCT classes useful and interesting but it's worthwhile recognising where they are coming from (natural and minimum intervention) which whilst I kind of agree with that, their advice or information sometimes conflicts with the medical profession.

We both like the group of people we have met through it and I think it is useful, especially for Miss Sid to have a group of mothers experiencing the same thing around the same time. Us new dads all get on well, I have started riding with one of them!

You will get tons of advice, but as each baby and situation is different don't get to hung up on it.

You will get tons of advice, but as each baby and situation is different don't get to hung up on it.

Amen.

Classes are alright, ours were at the hospital so maybe not from the NCT.

I've never read any books on parenting though, or looked at any fora. Wife has done enough of that for both of us so I just do what she says and use common sense.

Main thing is just to be really supportive of your missus, if it's her first time she'll probably be bricking it.

I still ride loads. More than before probably. But then I was only a twice-a-week guy before really. Obviously if you're out every day at the moment that might change.

My tip? Talk to Mrs Bullheart and plan your away-from-baby time well in advance. Whether it's a race or just an evening in the pub with mates, you just need to get it booked in. If one of you just decides spontaneously to do something that can't involve baby, the other is left holding the fort. Not so much fun. If you both know and can prepare for the other having some "me time" then life is a whole lot more harmonious. I get my trip to the Fort WIlliam World Cup booked in a year in advance...just after getting back from the last one lol