[Closed] Becoming a New Dad - general advice very much required...

stilltortoise is right. mrshora is still stuck in the self-birching mode. She finds it really hard to disengage and have a bit of 'me' time.

Faced with going out with friends whilst I sit in she'd rather sit near the baby monitor incase there is a stir 🙁

nothing can 'prepare' you just go with it.

i probably ride less than i could because i feel a bit guilty leaving the missus with 2 kids.

NCT is good for wifey after therefore its good for you but dont expect to understand or even consider it will prepare you.

i went to teh breastfeeding class and at the inrtroduction said 'my 10yr daughter was bottle fed from very early and is top in her class - you dont have to breastfeed' which went down really well.

Lots of good advice on here (for a change!! 😉 ). As a father of four (ranging from 10 to 6 months) I also find the children start becoming more attentive to the father after the age of six. My oldest only really listens to me now and always comes to me first when he has a problem. Often only the mother can stop a baby crying which can often make the father feel inadequate but don't worry it's perfectly normal.

On the biking front it is possible to get out regularly but you have to be disciplined about it. I have to do a lot of night rides for example after the kids are in bed or I get up at between five and six at weekends and do my 4 hour rides so that I am back before breakfast. Buying a trailer is a must IMO as you can go out for a ride your baby loves the rocking sensation and sleeps and the mother has some all important time for herself, a win win situation in my books.

In the Night Garden is becoming abit like Benny Hill show. Wierd.

[i]I'm broke, permanently tired and have no time to ride my bikes.[/i]
First two, check. Third - I've ridden more since our three were born than ever before. I find it focusses the mind wonderfully on making the most of the opportunities which are available. Alarm clocks work wonders here. Up and at 'em early doors, gert big ride, home in time for breakfast with the family.

Personally, I found NCT classes useful and interesting but it's worthwhile recognising where they are coming from (natural and minimum intervention) which whilst I kind of agree with that, their advice or information sometimes conflicts with the medical profession.

We found ours (in Harrogate) to be very useful even though I found all the 'breathing techniques' type sessions a bit silly (as did the other dads) but there was no pressure to do things 'their way' (breast feeding, natural births etc) just helpful information. They helped prepare us for the carnage to follow - in fact the reality of having children (twins too) has been, for the most part, much easier than the classes would have us believe. And as I said previously, we met some really nice people - one couple are now firm friends and we still meet most of the others 2.5 years on.

Ohh and I am glad we did them because the 'four 1 hr sessions' from the hospital became one 1 hr and one 1/2 hr session due to staff shortages - so we spent the first hour discussing pain relief and half an hour (once they realised they had no staff to continue with further sessions) on absolutely everything else up to packing them off to university.

You can get virtually everything you need second hand. For example, we got a £400 pram for £100.

This!

eBay + NCT sales, jumble sales, friends/rellies that are post-baby.

Go to Mamas & Papas once just to scare yourself. Note all the people who look like they don't have two beans between them, but are bizarrely deciding between two £300+ cots!

Mental!

Everyone has a strong urge to make sure their baby "has the best".
Simple truth is the baby doesn't care. All it [i]needs[/i] is love.

Most baby stuff only gets used for a few months so 2nd, 3rd, even 4th hand is practically new anyway.

The waste of kit created by babies is ridiculous. You soon realise that they grow so fast that decent brand new clothes is daft.

At the moment ours is growing out of shoes monthly 😯

GRahamS + 1

Don't get sucked in to buying all the stuff people tell you you will "need".

How I laughed when my friend bought a £600 "transport system" for their baby.

You could get a bike for that!

Wunundred!

Love Muke's 'guide' to parenting. Hilarious! 😆

Our City Babyjogger cost £149. Its been amazing and lives outside atthe front of the house. Its coming up to 2yrs hard use.

The waste of kit created by babies is ridiculous. You soon realise that they grow so fast that decent brand new clothes is daft.

At the moment ours is growing out of shoes monthly

When ours were born I *tried* to convince my wife we didn't need to buy everything new but we (well the in-laws) still spent *£1k on a travel system (including the Isofix seat bases to be fair). It has now been sold and the girls use two Ebay purchases - a £100 off roader and a £40 stroller for shopping trips.

We still buy some new stuff if we can't find it second-hand but we now use Freecycle and the great NCT sales (where my wife volunteers too - this means she gets first dibs at stuff before the doors open 😉

*We did sell it for £460 (but kept one car seat and base 'just in case') so it wasn't hideously expensive when considering the resale but still - OUCH!

She now accepts she was a little over-eager in the beginning and that 2nd hand is perfectly acceptable. Such as the two potties we just bought for 20p. Why spend £10+ each on something that just gets shit and pissed in?

1) How did it feel?

The actual popping-out was a bit fraught and stressful. Doesn't mean yours will be.

How did you cope?

Took it as it came.

What happened to the bike?

Littl'uns mother is a biker too so we juggle things to both get out now and then. Less than before but it's fine.

2) Did the NCT classes help?

Didn't do any. I would though read up on the signs and stages of labour and birth, the TENS machine etc.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

There are loads of forums though I doubt they really prepare you.

You were born for this. Roll with it.

More advice: Try not to drop a week old baby! You're wife will be very annoyed but say she is not. Also you will feel a like a right idiot when you have to go to hospital to get the baby checked out.

Sleep as much as you can, NOW.......has anyone mentioned that one yet 😉

OK, proper advice....

Sort out some quality babysitters asap & make sure you and your partner have some time out together.

Once a month works for us.

Welcome to the rollacoaster that you can never get off

Hope it all goes well for you and you partner BH

I’m not reading all of the above guff…

Here are my experiences.

Ante natal classes – Very good (helped by there being two other STW forum botherers there too). Whilst they can’t tell you all the answers they are a great starting point for networking with other new parents. As a result my wife went to soft play, swimming, music groups, baby massage and so on with people that she met. Once you are off paternity leave there is a very real chance that she will go bonkers without getting out and about.

Prams – 3 Wheeler with pneumatic tires.

Monitors – Don’t bother.

Sleep – Get used to sleeping in 2 hour bursts for the first couple of weeks.

Riding your bike – Carry on doing it when you get the chance in the first couple of weeks. The health visitor told me to go out for a couple of hours then look after the kid whilst the wife had some time off.

No visitors for the first few weeks apart from immediate family that don’t mind getting their hands dirty.

First couple of weeks are hideous.

The next 18 weeks are less hideous.

18 weeks+ is alright.

Mine are 2 and 4 now and being a dad is brilliant.

Please forgive me in advance for being a little cheesy or obvious, but this is what it has been like for me. As a father of a six-year old daughter and two four-year old boys I would say:

Firstly - it is amazing and beats even the best feeling you have had on two-wheels!

Secondly, it can change where/when/how often you ride - but with a little planning this can be minimised or avoided.

Thirdly, there are new joys for you on two-wheels still! Imagine a small person, banging your back from the child seat on a Sunday morning and saying "Faster Daddy, this is exciting!" This also offers some great resistance training opportunities...

Take all the admiration/awe you have for your biking hero's and multiply it by around a million and add a tear of pride for when your little one first rides on two-wheels and as in my case - minutes afterwards asks me to "Make me a jump Daddy." Thinking about this still brings a lump to my throat...

I also take my daughter on gentler off-road rides and we have a wonderful time together - she has been riding up to ten (Fairly flat)miles for the last two years and is much better than I was at that age. Think what future skill and enjoyment you could nurture...?

The other thing is - to your child you will be a bike god, they will think you can do amazing things on two-wheels. Who wouldn't appreciate a little hero worship from the people that matter most to them...?

Fourthly, there are new kit opportunities out there! Islabikes is a fantastic place to buy the best child’s bikes and offers a great bike-buying experience.

Fifthly, Before anything - do as much as you can from the moment baby arrives, it helps Mum, but in my experience builds a really strong relationship with your baby and can bring a lot of joy, fun and excitement. For me it has also been the foundation for doing a lot of really meaningful stuff as they get older in term of playing together, having the most interesting and entertaining conversations I have ever experienced and just being happy in each other’s company.

Sixthly. You may have some tiring, trying and genuinely bad days where it is really tough (We still do!), I can honestly say that these do become less frequent and it is so worth it.

Generally it is magic!

J

Realised I have answered precisely none of your questions... 😕

My little soldier is 8 weeks.

1. Don't worry if the parental bonding thing is not there from the first minute and you are not crying your eyes out after the birth. It soon will be.

2. First few weeks have been a lot easier than we thought - just a little tired - feeding every 3 hours during the night and you are doing well.

3. A lot of it really is common sense and learning quickly as you go along.

4. Too tight for NCT classes so went to the freebee classes which were pretty useful - best bit of advice we had is don't over bath your new born and only clean them with just cotton wool and warm water.

5. Had decent time on the bike, just need to pick the moment ie stop off on way back from work, or early sunday morning.

6. Not fussed about tv or noise monitors as such, but the pressure pads which monitor movement give peace of mind and in a friend'sexperience do work.

7. Give reusable nappies ago - cheaper and it realy is no bother apart from an extra load of washing every few days

WELL DONE!

My advice..... just my 5p worth im sure loads will disagree!

1 - start saving about 6 months ago.

2 - earplugs

3 - dont read any books or sh*t on the web, it will make you and your wife paranoid, ignorance is bliss, ffs how did they deal with babies years ago, alot less fuss, its all marketing b*llox. anti natal classes are utter bollox IMO, we didnt even bother this was again through friends who had wasted money.

4 - It will split the camp but don't be afraid to use 'controlled crying' as the they call it these days. That is if your baby cries dont just jump in and see to them, leave it a few minutes. this will pay off bigtime in the end.

5 - Do not EVER, have the baby in your bed this is the biggest copout in the world and you will pay for it for years to come. I've seen so many friends take the easy route now they have 5,6,7 year olds who wont sleep in their own beds.

6 - Build a vietcong bamboo trap outside your house to stop the hordes of well wishers who cant help themselves and turn up 20 minutes after you have come home from the hospital.

7 - You will become a second class citizen in your own home and all the women in your life, wife, mother, mother in laws will ignore you.

8 - Dont be sucked in by all the advertising, it is all geared to make you spend money. yes the lovley fancy pram looks good at £500 (quinny a good example) but the one thats £200 will do a much better job, you get the idea!

9 - get loads of stuff of ebay, you'd be amazed the near perfect harldy used items you can get

10 - Get a simply baby monitor, non of the fancy camera ones or even worse the one with a presusre pad, it will drive you up the wall, again marketing b*llox!!

our 17month old is totally mad, she has pushed us to the edge mentally and physically but we wouldnt change a thing!

it has been tough but the family support network has been amazing to be fair.

good luck again

Dad of a biy (6) and girl (4).
1. Exhilerated. Well enough - trust yourself! Bike still got ridden.
2. Ante-natal classes are worth much more than you might realise. They give you confidence as you know what the hell is going on; there will almost certainly be something you will be glad you learned when you get to the delivery room. Much more importantly, even today, 6 years on, some of our closest friends are those we met at our ante-natal class. It becomes a support group after the birth (yes, for Dads too).
3. Don't bother. A good book or two is better. The forums are as crazy as this place! 😉

or even worse the one with a presusre pad, it will drive you up the wall

Took the pressure pad parts off when they were 1yr old and out of their cots.

I was gonna start another thread but this seems as good a place as any.

Can I ask everyones advice on downs screening? and if they did it or not?

We have our 12 week scan next week and need to decide whether to have it (the screening) or not, thing is as mrs organic is 38/39 then the 1st test is bound to come back high risk I think as age is a factor in the probability equation? As the second test (amniocentisis) has a risk of miscarriage I doubt we would do it anyway even if we were high risk. So we are wondering whether to bother at all?

Any advice appreciated

Do not EVER, have the baby in your bed this is the biggest copout in the world and you will pay for it for years to come. I've seen so many friends take the easy route now they have 5,6,7 year olds who wont sleep in their own beds.

my kids used to come into our bed, both sleep in their own beds now, no problem at all. 🙂

just for balance like

Oh another thing.

Don't take any advice off people on the internet. The whole subject seems to make people peculiarly argumentative and bossy.

🙂

quite right 😀

Ours came into our bed and it was a cop out/easiest path of resistance. We ended up with us two, dog and baby all side by side FFS.

Took a while but hes back in his own bed now 🙂

....however now in the car we can't drive anywhere without mrshora holding his hand!

We had downs screening at 12 weeks due to family history. Came back low risk, but im not sure a high age will def mean high risk? We would not have gone for the second test either way.

organic355, You may know this, but you can have a nuchal translucency scan at around 13 weeks IIRC that gives a much higher accuracy to the prediction than a blood test, but less than the amnio. We did it and felt better for it, if only because we felt we had better information.

but beware, I posted about this (quite sympathetically I thought) at the time and several idiots duly appeared, jumping to the illogical conclusion that i was pro-abortion, anti-life, anti-disabled.... all because I wanted better information about what we were dealing with.

Can I ask everyones advice on downs screening? and if they did it or not?

Can I ask everyones advice on downs screening? and if they did it or not?

would you terminate if the foetus is positive for downs? if not then no point in taking the risk of screening.

TJ its called personal choice. A close friend of mine would never test or consider terminating, whereas I would have considered termination.

Don't go all Christian-American.

[i]Do not EVER, have the baby in your bed this is the biggest copout in the world and you will pay for it for years to come.[/i]
We were told -
"Don't rock your baby to sleep!" er, we did. Funnily enough he doesn't still need rocking.

Best piece of advice I can give is "don't worry"!
All the weird little (and big) problems they have are just phases.
Soon that problem will be over and there'll be a new one to focus on.

5 - Do not EVER, have the baby in your bed this is the biggest copout in the world and you will pay for it for years to come.

Mleh.

We did loads of co-sleeping at 0-6 months. Now (19 months) she gets a bedtime story or two read to her on our bed and we bring her through to our bed in the morning when we don't really want to get up straight away.

She is perfectly happy in her own bed. Goes down as soon as you lay her in it and sleeps 8 till 6:30 every night.

10 - Get a simply baby monitor, non of the fancy camera ones or even worse the one with a presusre pad, it will drive you up the wall, again marketing b*llox!!

Mleh also.

We had (inherited) sound-only monitors and they drove the wife to distraction. She had us sitting in silence most nights with subtitles on the telly, scared to fart "in case we wake the baby", and straining to hear if that was just a little cough or the last frantic gasp for air of a choking infant.

We eventually got video monitors (one of the only things we bought new) and life changed for the better overnight. MrsGrahamS could see what was happening, completely relaxed and stopped disturbing the baby by going up to check on her.

They also really helped when it came to controlled crying etc cos we could see when she was proper upset versus just trying it on. And meant we were happier to leave her in the room when we were on holiday.

TJ its called personal choice. A close friend of mine would never test or consider terminating, whereas I would have considered termination.

TJ is spot on. You need to ask yourself what you would do with a positive result BEFORE you do the screening.

The screening itself has its own risks associated with it and I believe it is not 100% accurate either way. If you definitely wouldn't terminate then screening is a pointless risk.

I cried at both of my daughters births, no, make that blubbered, amazing experience.
Still ride quite a bit, just more focused on how i train, use heart rate monitor more and ride early morning/late eve, or on odd "day passes"
Girls are 5 and 3, i still walk through the door after work to the best hugs ever.

1) How did it feel? How did you cope? What happened to the bike?

Biking? Leisure activities settled into a new routine after about 4 months. Prior to that outing were negotiated on a case by case basis. Since then, my wife has gotten back to rowing 3 or 4 times a week and I have pretty much 5 hours free on each of Saturday and Sunday when I choose.

2) Did the NCT classes help?

The key benefit of NCTing was that it gave us an instant in with a group of people going through pretty much the same as us. None of the others in the group were / are much like us but having said that, two and a half years later we all still meet up every Monday.

3) Are there any forums I could join that would help prepare me for the inevitable life-explosion about to happen?

Best purchases? Our Mountain Buggy pram, Tripp Trapp highchair and [url= http://www.amazon.co.uk/Manhattan-Toy-201770-Infant-Stim-Mobile/dp/B00009ZIKH/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320846509&sr=8-1 ]this[/url] mobile.

[img] [/img]

i'm not a dad but i have seen both 'cheaper by the dozen' and 'father of the bride' staring Steve Martin so i'm overqualified to comment on this thread...

i think you'll be a good dad 🙂

HTH x

"We have our 12 week scan next week and need to decide whether to have it (the screening) or not, thing is as mrs organic is 38/39 then the 1st test is bound to come back high risk I think as age is a factor in the probability equation? As the second test (amniocentisis) has a risk of miscarriage I doubt we would do it anyway even if we were high risk. So we are wondering whether to bother at all?"

One of my mates wife is due to drop there 2nd baby any day now and shes 44. They got the downs test + paid for more stuff privately. The downs test came back high, she couldnt then decide whether to have the secondary test (sorry dont know the name) which is dangerous, she evetually went for the test, and again it showed a high chance of downs. They have then since paid for I think other expensive scans (which can not be conclusive) The whole process has been very stressful for them both, not great when your pregnant anyhow. They never once discussed the termination bit, which made me and Mrs FD think, why have the test in the first place?!?

So if you do have it make sure you decide before hand what you will do based on the results, bearing in mind the results are only an inidcation and not a certain yes or no.

To be honest I would speak to a Health Professional about it.

Can I ask everyones advice on downs screening? and if they did it or not?

We have our 12 week scan next week and need to decide whether to have it (the screening) or not, thing is as mrs organic is 38/39 then the 1st test is bound to come back high risk I think as age is a factor in the probability equation? As the second test (amniocentisis) has a risk of miscarriage I doubt we would do it anyway even if we were high risk. So we are wondering whether to bother at all?

Best purchases? Tripp Trapp highchair

We were keen on those till we saw this:

The whole process has been very stressful for them both

Especially knowing that if the tests aren't 100% what if you abort a child that didn't have Downs after all?

One of my cousins has Downs. My Aunt is 70 and will be looking after her daughter until she dies.

Best purchases? Tripp Trapp highchair
We were keen on those till we saw this:

Heres our fella at 14months and Bingo 🙁

[img] [/img]

We were keen on those till we saw this:

[i]Best purchases? [/i]

All the second hand stuff!