[Closed] baby, tinnitus, bad sleeper - how to make it work?

Sounds to me like you are looking for excuses not to have a child

47? Not a chance in my opinion. How old is the missus? We had ours this year and we are 38 and our Downs risk test was high plus I have had little sleep for 9months now.

When the kid is 12 and wants to do things you'll be almost 60 and not in the mood.

With hindsight I wish we'd started ours in our early 30's.

You need to be 100% on the idea. BOTH of you. Plus you do need support around you. Relocate? Circa 1k extra out of your pay amonth and 5hrs sleep isn't for everyone especially at almost 50. Why not enquire about monthly costs at your local nursery? Your wife needs to know this. Otherwise (especially with your hours/commute) you could face a heart attack coupled with lack of sleep. Speak to your GP about Downs risk with age. Yours is probably 1/250. Could you terminate? I couldn't.

I've one aged two and one 8 months.

Wasn't sure if I wanted them and while it's very hard work they are tremendous fun and hard to put a value on that.

I used to work long hours and work weekends but now I don't. It's made me realise work is just work and a means for money. So now I do 9 to 5 and pick up any emails when they've gone to bed. Works well.

This might not be possible for you but i found kids made you evaluate work.

Mine dont sleep well ( I was up four times last night) and it's a nightmare sometimes but they are great fun.

Plus if they are in nursery you suddenly meet loads of 20 yr olds girls who look after them so it ain't all bad 😉

My 2p!

Sounds to me like you are looking for excuses not to have a child

After working in noisy Power Stations for 37 years I also have Tinnitus, and find that background noise helps mask the ringing and allow me to sleep. Having a baby in the house would probably make little difference in my case.
I would quite like my kids (24, 22 & 20) to leave home at some stage though.

You have the same ear issues as I. One of my biggest worries about the impending third person in our lives is sleep.

On top of my inability to sleep properly, being woken by the slightest noise, having tinnitus to contend with if I do wedge ear plugs in to fight the neighbours TV which isn't really that loud, it's just THAT loud to me.

I also work in a challenging school where I need to be on top of my game to be in control of the classes.

Lack of sleep is going to be interesting.

As an Audiologist I would like to know more about your hypercusis & tinnitus and what steps you have taken to manage it. Can email me please address in profile.

The wife is 39 and I look closer to 39 than 47 (at the moment...). My Dad didn't have me until he was 50 and I have a sister that is 7 years younger than me, but there was a 25 year gap between my parents.

My biggest worry, having ear issues like Quirrel, is that I cannot catch up sleep even if I am desperately tired. Trying to lie in doesn't work very well as even a bird tweeting is enough to wake me.

I stuff cotton wool in my ears to compensate as ear plugs would emphasis the tinnitus too much. I wear IEM earphones at work otherwise I can follow most peoples conversations round the office.

A child screaming will be right at the frequency of my hyperaccusis and tinnitus, and I don't want to not be able to suppport the wife when needed most. I can only see a future of me walking round the house with noise suppressing headphones on...

So I was hoping that there might be someone on here with the same problems as Quirrel and I who is further down the path and has some advice.

Do you want a child?

I have tinnitus and a bit of sensitivity to noise. To me one of the key things is how much the noise bothers you. Its impossible to compare loudness with other folk so I don't know for sure but I think mine is less loud than many. However it rarely bothers me even when I can hear it and does not stop me sleeping. My dad used to have trouble sleeping because of tinnitus but since retiring he does not. Stress I guess.

So - if you want to have a kid you are going to have to deal with the noise. You will need to learn ways of coping with the noise and not let it bother you. Some folk have had benefit from CBT to help learn comping mechanisms. I am convinced a part of how one copes with tinnitus is about attitude towards it
Edit

Talking about it has now made me very concious of mine Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

I can cope with the noise - the ringing is the same sound for me as when you have a bad cold - both my sister and I have narrow eustacian tubes and I think this is the cause.

I am constantly aware of it but it is not an issue for me - it is the sensitivity that is the bummer as it is this that stops me sleeping. In the past I have had periods at work where I have been living on the Relentless/RedBull but that is pretty bad for you - at the moment I drink a lot of green tea.

Lots of exercise helps, in particular XC mtbing - but that will reduce if we have a child.

I am mostly worried that I wont be able to support the wife through being so tired. We have have no family support anywhere near and I am fairly tied to working in London as I work in financial software. If I changed jobs it would be a big cut in salary (already took one to avoid the stupid hours banks want you to work) and, as it is software, I would end up doing the same hours anyway.

We had this discussion last year but her closest friend from school days has fallen pregnant recently...

Do YOU want to have a baby?

hora - Member

Do YOU want to have a baby?

Is that your best chat line hora? 😉

sounds like shes broody due to her friend being pregnant ! 😉
you really need to be 100 percent sure b4 you bothe make the final descision...to me it sounds like your very unsure !

:::: :cry:"I can only see a future of me walking round the house with noise suppressing headphones on 😕 """...
maybe you answered your own question....

Can't see the problem, you don't sleep now, you won't sleep with a baby, it will be easier to adjust than for most?

My wife has decided we should have our first kid.

Good for her. Someone needs to tell her that it's a joint decision though. Have you decided that you want a kid? If the answer is anything other that a resounding yes then don't have a kid.

Her mate having one isn't a good enough reason to have kids IMO. Sounds like you really aren't up for it and it would be a mistake.

Happened to us. We were fine then close friends had babies, telling mrshora all the goodsides.

Don't get me wrong- can't go back now but we were happy before. If I'm brutally honest I couldn't stand kids but I left it to mrshora to decide rather than both of us being 100% decided.

Don't do it because of others. Make sure you want one.

It sounds to me like you need a different lifestyle/adjust. A baby is like a handgrenade and will do this but also blow open any cracks in your relationship.

There are better ways to adjust your work/life balance otherwise you'll be one of those fathers that's distant/doesnt talk much to the kid....

lodious has a good point, as does hora.

My wife weas broody before - this has just tipped the scales again.

I am 80% upside but have nagging doubts because of my hearing and sleep patterns - and a tennis friend from years ago urging me not to do it...

8 weeks in and I'll be 45 this year.

Yep; sleep tortur;e it's tough (and I can sleep standing up) but I'm kinda hoping young master Bangin On will be dragging me up the hills til I'm well into my 60s....

Most of the retired guys I go pedalling with are ultra fit and totally competitive.

It might be harder than you think tho, it took us 3years and plenty heartbreak to get one all the way out and the missus is mid 30s.

Good luck whatever way

Don't expect extra sleep depravation to be short term. Just spent 1hr comforting a teething tantruming 2 year old. I long for sleep.

It might be harder than you think tho, it took us 3years and plenty heartbreak to get one all the way out and the missus is mid 30s.

Cost my sister about 15k in fertility for the first one and another 5k for the second. She is planning a third in a couple of years, but might be too old then.

Mrs Q on the other hand. Told me that we should have a baby. Had a chat about it, agreed that it was a possibility in the near future. I thought 2 years, but agreed again that if it happened it happened.

6-8 weeks later she is bloody pregnant and puking everywhere. I know from my panda like libido it might only have been a few times in that period.

I hope it was one uber fit sperm with all my good bits in that did the job and not one from my youth still all loved up and dopey.

Quirrel I agreed as I thought it'd. Be impossible due tro my hardliving youth. Within the week for me.

I'd just comeback from a dry and dusty descent down walna scar with the cheeky ending. Ready for beer. Instead I sat in the living room for an hour staring in disbelief at a positive test result.

I've told mshora that if she has an accident or asks for a 2nd I'm leaving. I honestly mean that. Some people love children. Others do not.