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So you're getting a new dog and are both going to be out of the house all day when you first get it? Sounds like a bad idea to me. My wife took 2 weeks off when we got our puppy to make sure he was properly settled in before we left him for any amount of time. Take advantage of someone else being there to look after it while you're out. Better for the puppy (which makes life easier for you in the long run), your MiL will be appeased, and you don't have to see her during the day.... win, win, win.
You said yourself it’s not always easy for he to visit on a weekend. Maybe you could visit her instead?
“<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Interesting that people think we’re being unreasonable, I didn’t expect that.</span><span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;"> ”</span>
Why did you ask then ? 🤔
why are our wishes less important than hers?
Because she's your partners mum, and if you can't grasp the fact that sometimes you need to put other people first then you're a lost cause.
Do also remember that a lot of people saying 'I'd tell her to get lost' type stuff wouldn't actually do that in real life.
Of course this isn't your first in law issue is it........
I think you’re making a far bigger deal of this than it needs to be, its a few days where your otherwise dull evenings will involve someone else, hardly the end of the world.
+1
Mmmm, so you have a new dog and are prepared to leave it all day long whilst you're out at work. You have a MiL that works her socks off in the underfunded NHS and struggles to see you at the weekend. Your MiL (who could be desperately lonely, bless her) is prepared to travel all the way across Scotland and England just to see you and her very own flesh and blood daughter and you want it all on your terms. The very same person that carried your wife around for 9 months and then gave birth to your wife....!
And no pictures of the puppy either!
Errr, you not horrible people at all, nope, not at all.....
Have you ever heard the phrase "suck it up buttercup"?
Because I think it applies here.
she just hates not getting her own way and thinks she always knows best
Are you sure that you're describing her? Because it's how you come across here.
I'm not going to pretend that I always look forward to a visit from the parents in law, but I wouldn't dream of saying that they couldn't come. Think of it this way: she spent much of your partner's childhood doing things she didn't want to do, because that's called being a parent. Would it kill you to return the favour, to a tiny extent?
She can come and stay at ours if she wants.
Haven't got a dog though.
Quote >>Maybe she wants to come midweek so she doesn’t have to spend so much time with you?
Perhaps because you are terrible people?
If you’re introverts, surely you should welcome this too?<< Quote
I laughed too long and too loud at that^^
I am a terrible person 😉
Take a photo of the dog, and have a life sized cardboard cutout made. Send it to her and tell her that she can name it whatever she wants! 😉
<span style="color: #444444; background-color: #eeeeee;">So you’re getting a new dog and are both going to be out of the house all day when you first get it? </span>
Wife is taking time off the first week and I'll WFH the next week, we do have a plan for this. She's also not planning on coming while the wife is off, it was to be a few weeks after that.
<span style="color: #444444;">Because she’s your partners mum, and if you can’t grasp the fact that sometimes you need to put other people first then you’re a lost cause.</span>
And 90% of the time we do, in fact it's almost always us putting their wishes first. Why is it wrong for us to ask for a simple change of date? After we said it initially she came back and said they'd both come down on a weekend 2 weeks after the date she suggested. But now she's guilt-tripping my wife about the fact that we said it was inconvenient during the week. Are you honestly saying that any time a parent/in-law asks you for something the immediate answer is always yes and that you should never be able to say no?
<span style="color: #444444;">I’m not going to pretend that I always look forward to a visit from the parents in law, but I wouldn’t dream of saying that they couldn’t come.</span>
Once again for those in the cheap seats - we didn't say she couldn't come at all, just that we preferred if she came at the weekend. She didn't come back and say "that's the only date I can do for the next few months" - if she had, we'd have said ok. She came back with another date at a weekend 2 weeks afterwards. After that, she took the huff. Is a change of date truly an unreasonable request?
Are you honestly saying that any time a parent/in-law asks you for something the immediate answer is always yes and that you should never be able to say no?
No, but you don't have a good reason for saying no.
You asked for an opinion, you're then challenging every opinion that's different from yours. Did you just want everyone to say 'yes, you're doing the right thing', a bit like the dog name options scenario?
Just ask on Mumsnet next time you can swear on there and everything.
Once again for those in the cheap seats – we didn’t say she couldn’t come at all, just that we preferred if she came at the weekend. She didn’t come back and say “that’s the only date I can do for the next few months” – if she had, we’d have said ok. She came back with another date at a weekend 2 weeks afterwards. After that, she took the huff. Is a change of date truly an unreasonable request?
It's apparent that all you're looking for here is people to agree with you. Given that you said this about your MiL:
she just hates not getting her own way and thinks she always knows best
I suggest you buy a mirror.
Just be honest with her. If its too stressful for you during the week then say so.
There is (normally) nothing wrong with saying 'no' to someone until you start making bad excuses.
I guess you don't have kids ebennet?
This is the woman that taught your wife to poo and you can't put her up mid week 'cause it's a bit stressy.
I'm going to assume you haven't got kids but when you do it gives you a different perspective on what your parents went through just get the basics right.
Terrible people no, bit selfish... yes.
Family comes before any other consideration.
One day, and it'll come much sooner than you think, they won't be there any more so appreciate them while you can and never, [i]eever[/i] do anything you might regret after they've gone.
You need to man up and stop being selfish. Parents are not around forever.
I've just seen your MIL's will and she's now leaving her house to the cats home.
Oh and in my eyes I'd much rather have a visit mid-week than messing up my weekend.
<span style="color: #444444;">No, but you don’t have a good reason for saying no.</span>
Again, genuine question - is the fact that it's inconvenient and, to an extent as koldun suggested, stressful to have them during the week not a reason?
For those that are saying I'm just wanting people to agree with me and wanting my own way, I apologise if it's coming across like that - I genuinely want to hear people's opinions, but to me it seems like most are reading that we've said no to a visit altogether, which isn't the case. We've simply asked for the visit to be at a weekend - is that truly unreasonable?
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto; background-color: #eeeeee;">There’s a difference between ‘refusing guests’ midweek and refusing to have your wife’s mum to stay</span>
this
If she's anything at all like my MIL, then... <span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Perfect excuse for a night ride in my book and you can always take the dog out for a (three day) walk sounds good.</span>
Oh FFS. Followed the idiot's guide and still can't quote...
No, no kids. And don't want them either.
Again, genuine question – is the fact that it’s inconvenient and, to an extent as koldun suggested, stressful to have them during the week not a reason?
Nothing you've posted strikes me as a good reason why they can't come when they'd like to.
Again, genuine question – is the fact that it’s inconvenient and, to an extent as koldun suggested, stressful to have them during the week not a reason?
I've yet to see a genuine reason why it's inconvenient, other than it stops you doing what you do every other evening.
but to me it seems like most are reading that we’ve said no to a visit altogether,
Not at all, I'm reading it as she can come at a time that suits you, and you're not really prepared to change your routine.
I've re-read my OP and it does read as though we've refused a visit altogether, so apologies for any confusion 🙂
To clarify - She requested to come down during the week, we said it was inconvenient, can you come at the weekend instead? She said fine and suggested a date to which we agreed. She then took the huff about the fact that we'd prefer not to have visitors during the week, not the fact that she wasn't allowed to visit.
No need to clarify, I understood the situation in your first post.
If she insists on coming midweek, then I suggest you keep to your 'normal' weekday schedule of working late, going straight to the pub, then rolling home and straight into bed. Sorted.
Or better still, say: "I'm so glad you're coming to look after the puppy for an evening so we can go out.."
To clarify – She requested to come down during the week, we said it was inconvenient
Saying it doesn't make it true.
and I'll add that having a rule where you never have visitors during the week because you have a 'stressful job' is just a but odd. Sometimes it's nice to do something different.
There’s a dead easy solution to all this.
Call her back, say “We asked if you’d come down at the weekend so we could spend some time with you. We won’t be around much midweek and we won’t be going out/staying up late/socialising/drinking/cooking/entertaining or whatever but you’re welcome to come and walk the dog, and make dinner for us when we get home”
That’s what I’d say.... 🙂
Whatever you do now, the damage was done when you initially said a midweek visit was inconvenient. When really it isn't, especially in her eyed. ☹ what was said can't be unsaid.
"<span style="background-color: #eeeeee; color: #444444; font-size: 12px;">Sometimes it’s nice to do something different."</span>
I get it completely, OP has said he and his partner are a bit introverted, they have a weekly routine that suits them and don't need the extra stress of MIL, however nice she is, pitching up and occupying the sofa. I feel exactly the same way.
The only conceivable reason for MIL to be having a moan after being offered a weekend visit is because she wants to buy cheaper rail tickets. OP can test this out by telling her he'll pay the difference between her cheap ticket and a weekend one.
OP doesn't like it when people call him out.
You asked you MiL for her opinion on dig name but didn't like it when she gave her opinion, even though you chose a different name anyway!
You asked us for our opinion as to whether you were unreasonable, when we said you were, you spend time trying to convince us otherwise.
Easy solution, don't ask for opinions if you don't want to hear them.
Your MiL can visit me (especially if she is a MiLILF). I live in Scotland and have a dog. Not fussed what days she visits.
Quote>> Your MiL can visit me (especially if she is a MiLILF). I live in Scotland and have a dog. Not fussed what days she visits<<Quote
You are too late Frank,she has already booked in for a week at Rusty Spanner's retreat.
😉
<span style="color: #444444; font-size: 16px; -webkit-text-size-adjust: auto;">Quote>>>No, no kids. And don’t want them either.<<<Quote</span>
Don’t blame you, when they grow up they just want their own way all the time and can be really self centred.
<span style="color: #444444;">Rusty Spanner’s retreat.</span>
Haven't heard it called that before 😉
Don’t blame you, when they grow up they just want their own way all the time and can be really self centred.
Yep - and you end up doing all sorts of rubbish things on week nights* when you'd rather veg on the sofa! 🙂
(*and weekends!)
Looking forward to it.
The pampas grass in Burnley is just beautiful this time of year.
She can name that if she likes.
☺
I feel sorry for the dog.
The pampas grass in Burnley is just beautiful this time of year.
I will just store that in the 'Things I never knew about Burnley' folder 🙂
I think you are being perfectly reasonable OP as long as your Mrs thinks the same. It's your home and you aren't excluding her, just adjusting timings.
I'd probably take PeterPoddys tack if she was going to be a drama queen about it tho.