[Closed] Any new jokes?

Although I quite liked this one...

SEX AFTER DEATH

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.
Their biggest fear was that there was no after life at all.
After a long life together, the husband was the first to die.
True to his word, he made the first contact:

" Marion .... Marion "

"Is that you, Bob?"

"Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

"That's wonderful! What's it like?"

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it's off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud - lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to golf course again. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again"

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?" ........

"No -- I'm a rabbit in Kent ” .

Ok, this one only works if the person you are telling knows the song.

A recent poll has shown that 'The Lion Sleeps Tonight' is the song that most people are likely to sing spontaneously.

Apparently the urge to sing it is only a whim away (a whim away, etc)

Coat already picked up and heading back out now....

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, a German, an Indian, several Americans (including a southerner, a New Englander, and a Californian) an Argentinean, a Dane, an Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Colombian, a ****stani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Uzbek, a Cypriot, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Chinese, a Sri Lankan, a Lebanese, a Cayman Islander, a Ugandan, a Vietnamese, a Korean, a Uruguayan, a Czech, an Icelander, a Mexican, a Finn, a Honduran, a Panamanian, an Andorran, an Israeli, a Venezuelan, a Fijian, a Peruvian, an Estonian, a Brazilian, a Portuguese, a Liechtensteiner, a Mongolian, a Hungarian, a Canadian, a Moldovan, a Haitian, a Norfolk Islander, a Macedonian, a Bolivian, a Cook Islander, a Tajikistani, a Samoan, an Armenian, an Aruban, an Albanian, a Greenlander, a Micronesian, a Virgin Islander, a Georgian, a Bahaman, a Belarusian, a Cuban, a Tongan, a Cambodian, a Qatari, an Azerbaijani, a Romanian, a Chilean, a Kyrgyzstani, a Jamaican, a Filipino, a Ukrainian, a Dutchman, a Ecuadorian, a Costa Rican, a Swede, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Belgian, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and 47 Africans walk into a fine restaurant....

The maître d' scrutinizes the group one by one and stops their entrance saying,
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"Sorry, you can't come in here without a Thai. "

Are these new? They're on my phone so I might have got thrm from here.

The wife's been missing for a week now. the police came round and said I should prepare for the worst.
So I went down oxfam and bought her clothes back

My wife left me for not being manly enough.
I thought, "ooh, get her."

I asked my wife if she could smuggle some coke through customs by inserting it 'internally'.
imagine my surprise when I found out I could buy another can in the departure lounge.

an old couple in their 70's were struggling for money and finding it difficult to make ends meet so Frank suggested to Vera that she would have to go on the game to earn some cash.

Off Vera went to the local red light area to ply her trade and returned home some hours later with £20.50 in cash.

"who gave you the 50p?" asked Frank

"all of them" replied Vera. 😯

my Polish neighbour has taken to standing in the back garden and shouting 'i wanna know what love is'

bloody foreigner

I’ve got a new job playing the triangle in a reggae band

It’s dead easy. I just stand at the back and ting...

I got caught stealing some lamb and pork from the butchers the other day

Police arrested me for choplifting

There seems to be a lot of thefts from butchers nowadays.
Did you hear about that gang of midgets who broke into one shop?
They tried to steal a load of beef but the steaks were too high.

saw this recently...

Why does Peter Pan always fly? Because he Neverlands. I love this joke because it never gets old.

BEE STING

A young woman had been taking golf lessons.
She had just started playing her first round of golf
When she suffered a bee sting.
Her pain was so intense that she decided to return
To the clubhouse for help and to complain.

Her golf pro saw her come into the clubhouse and asked,
'Why are you back in so early? What's wrong?'

'I was stung by a bee', she said.

'Where', he asked.
'Between the first and second hole', she replied.

He nodded knowingly and said,

'Then your feet are too far apart.' !!!!

my Polish neighbour has taken to standing in the back garden and shouting 'i wanna know what love is'

bloody foreigner

Brilliant 😀

Do you know the rugby team Wasps? Do they have a B team?

Whats a Shitzu? its a zoo with no animals...

Whats a Shitzu? its a zoo with no animals...

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Fsh

What do you call a man with car on his head?

Jack

What do you call a man with a spade in his head
Doug

Two birds on a perch
one says, "can you smell fish"

Nearly

I went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu

went to the zoo the other day, there was only one dog in it, it was a shitzu

Which zoo was this? Im not going there...

I was hit in the head last night with a bottle of Omega 3 tablets.

Fortunately, I only sustained super fish oil injuries.

A woman stopped me on the street and said she recognised me from Vegetarian Club, but I've never met herbivore.

What do you call a man with two birds of prey on his head, doing the vacuuming at night with the lights turned off?

Hawk Kestrel Man Hoovers in the Dark.

I can't taste chick peas, tahini or garlic.

Doctor says I have no sense of humous.

Saw a bunch of the walking undead this morning, looking really surprised.

Must be zomgbies.

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

ha ha super fish oil injuries!!

I was chatting up this bird last night in a gorgeous red dress. I thought it really complimented my figure but she was having none of it

We have just got rid of the bass singer from our a cappella group.

He was lowering the tone.

why did the hen go to the mens toilet?
cos that's where all the cocks hang out....

Whale
Oil
Beef
Hooked

Racist 😆

That joke has been waiting for you DD, you bog trotting, spud eating, blarney kissing leprechaun...

I say, I say, I say, ...my dog has no nose !

Then how does it smell ??

Awful...

I say, I say, I say, ....my zoo has no animals

Oh dear is it a shitzu ??

Last week I bought a dog off of the local blacksmith. As soon as I turned my back he made a bolt for the door.

That joke has been waiting for you DD, you bog trotting, spud eating, blarney kissing leprechaun...

Proper office loud lollage! 😆

Doctor, doctor, I keep thinking I'm Tom Jones! Is this normal?

Well....it's not unusual.

IGMC

Cougar, ffs.. if I were a mod I'd ban you.

Jean-Paul Satre, author of "Being and Nothingness", asks a waitress for coffee with no milk. She replies: "We have run out of milk, would you like no cream instead?"

In my Biology test today one of the questions asked me to name something you'd find in a cell.
Scousers is apparently wrong.

A teacher starts a new job at a primary school on Merseyside and, trying to make a good impression on her first day, explains to her class that she's a big football fan and supports Liverpool. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Liverpool fans.
Everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Mary, why didn't you raise your hand?"
"Because I'm not a Liverpool fan miss," she replies. The teacher, still shocked asks:"Well, if you're not a Liverpool Fan, then who are you a fan of?"
"I'm a West Ham fan, and proud of it," Mary replies. The teacher can't believe her ears. "Mary, how come you're a Hammers fan?"
"Because my mum and dad are from London's East End and are West Ham fans, so I'm a West Ham fan too!"
"Still," says the teacher, annoyed, "that's no reason for you to be a West Ham fan as well. You don't have to be like your parents all the time, do you? What if your mum was a prostitute and your dad was a drug addict and car thief. Would you be like them then?"
"No," smiles Mary, "I'd be a Liverpool fan."

Liverpool airport has been shut for the past 8 hours due to a "Suspicious car".
Apparently it had tax and insurance and the radio was still in it.

"For the record I am a scouser"

Emergency services in Ireland are still digging at the scene of a crash in which a 2 seater Cessna came down in a church yard. So far 87 bodies have been recovered.

I was hoovering the front rroom the other day, and I had the thought that every man has had while doing the hoovering.
I looked down at the hoover.
Then I looked down at my penis.
I looked at the hoover.
I looked at my penis.
Then I thought,
I have a penis,
Why the **** am I doing the hoovering.

I managed to get my penis into the Guinness book of world records, which was great till the librarian closed it.

Why do golfers carry a spare pair of trousers..........in case they get a hole in one 😀

janet street porter walks into a bar, she says to the bar man

'can i get a large aperitif?'

he replies
'i doubt it love.'

i had to have it explained to me then i laughed for about an hour. still makes me laugh.

I think perhaps some posters are only reading two thirds of the thread's subject line before replying.

yep. selective reading.

How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her as a choir boy.
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My dog's got no dictionary.
How does he spell terrible?
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Mustafa Khan has been shot with a starting pistol.
Police think it may be race-related.

The punchline is N-Dubz.
The joke is too rude for this forum but it's bloody funny.

Went to the doctor and told him that half the time I felt like a teepee and the other half I felt like a wigwam.

"Oh that's quite common," he replied. "You're too tense."

What do u call a woman juggling cans of bitter while playing pool

beer tricks potter

andrewh - Member

My dog's got no dictionary.
How does he spell terrible?

Marvellous

'can i get a large aperitif?'

Marvellouser 😆

Took me 24.5228 seconds, but I look forward to laughing for the rest of the day.

Delayed LOLlage at the Janet Street Porter gag. 😀

I got some new aftershave the other day which smells like bread crumbs....

The birds love it.

Higgs Bosan walks into a church

Priest: get out we don’t allow Higgs Bosan in here

Higgs Bosan: but without me how can you have mass?

Odds on who will be next to pick up the ashes:
.
Alastair Cooke (England) 5-2
Michael Clarke (Australia) 5-1
Nelson Mandela's family 3/2f

Why don't cannibals eat clowns..... because they taste funny

I went to watch Pacific Rim yesterday. Turns-out it wasn't about a kinky holiday romance. Can you imagine my disappointment...

Two pensioners get married.

On the evening, they are about to consomethinge their vows and she stands in front of her new husband naked and says 'I have to warn you, I have acute angina'.

He says yes, and your t!ts aren't bad either.

. I can't taste chick peas, tahini or garlic.

Doctor says I have no sense of humous.

What do you call a black man who flies a plane?
A pilot, you ****ing racist

How do you titillate an Ocelot?
Oscillate it's tits-a-lot!

Thank you, thank you. IGMC