but miscarriage and fertility seems to still be one of those hushed up subjects that is still kept behind closed doors
Which I why I made my comment about not understanding the 12 week limit. In my experience too many people go through the awful experience of a miscarriage as a couple alone because they have adhered to the societal norm of not sharing their news until 12 weeks - this doesn't make sense to me.
yeah, it's got the icky [i]women's problems[/i] element* while also being an incredibly sensitive issue all by itself. I still feel pretty nervous talking about it, still affected by it all these years later but more worried I'll say the wrong thing - I'm pretty good at that just discussing normal everyday stuff.but miscarriage and fertility seems to still be one of those hushed up subjects that is still kept behind closed doors
Fingers crossed for you amedias, hope everything works out.
*something you need to disabuse yourself of pretty early on, but it's still there for joe public.
In my experience too many people go through the awful experience of a miscarriage as a couple alone because they have adhered to the societal norm of not sharing their news until 12 weeks - this doesn't make sense to me.
You don't have to go through it alone, as I said we told close friends and family early (almost as soon as we knew) so we did have that support, but the point is that it's even worse having to tell people you've had a miscarriage [i]after [/i]you've told everyone you were pregnant, and you also dodge all the 'so hows the pregnancy going' questions from less frequent friends /meetings which floor you again each and every time.
We certainly didn't keep our loss to ourselves, we told people what had happened, basically announced a miscarriage instead of a pregnancy, which was a heartbreaking thing to have to do but better than keeping it quiet. Talking and telling people has helped us, but I am [i]very [/i]glad we didn't tell everyone we were expecting before hand.
I think maybe DrJ was just joshing - taking your "we" as both of you having a scan.
Yes I was, but maybe it was not the place for leg-pulling, so apologies if that was insensitive.
You don't have to go through it alone
Which was rather my point - but too many do.
D'oh! I get it now. I'm a bit tired you know 🙄
[i]but too many do.[/i]
I agree, but I don't think announcing early to everyone that you're expecting is the way to fix that, it just sets you up for additional heartache. There's a difference between keeping it quiet if/after it happens, and not announcing early.
Making sure those close to you know is a very good idea, and talking about it when it happens is also helpful, but an early announcement isn't (IMO), when we get pregnant again we certainly won't be telling people (other than the close friends/family) until we feel a bit more confident that things are progressing well.
I guess it's very personal though, some people will want to keep themselves to themselves, others won't and you have to deal with it in whatever way works best for you, but I do think it's a topic that should get more exposure.
I was very aware how little support and advice there is for fathers after a miscarriage. I was trying to be there for my wife, who was holding it together during the day in front of our lad who was two at the time, but she just cried her heart out through the night for days afterwards, and I was still trying to come to terms with it myself.
My mother in law came up for a few days and sent me out for a bike ride. Had a bit of an issue with the wind getting behind my Oakley's for the first few miles, but finished in much better shape.
We were so lucky we already had one healthy child and could deal with the helpfully intended "it just wasn't meant to be" comments. Seen friends cave in when they've lost one after a struggle to conceive.
the norm is 12 weeks before making any sort of announcement. for all 3 of ours this was the case..12 weeks before we told the family and at 20 weeks we made a major announcement to all our friends. of course there were people who knew after 6 weeks but we made them sign the official secrets act!!
@amedias and morecash
i've never been in the situation you both ave been in but i've had one friend who went through this about 10 years ago...he went off the rails and ended up going on an all night bender in manchester...i had to leave work early to go find him the next day and take him back to his wife who was still in hospital,,,he got a bollocking from me on the way there but i kind of understood that he wasnt thinking straight
another friend and his wife now have a 5 month old baby girl...this is after nearly 10 years of trying and a dozen miscarriages
he only told me 2 years ago that he'd had to deal with it all on his own while his wife had her sisters to fall back on for support...last 2 miscarriages werent as bad as he now had someone to open up to...but still i could see how hard it was for both of them, but i'm glad they now have the child they have tried so hard for
both friends never made any announcements when they conceived or lost the babies...they kept it pretty much to themselves and only a handful of people knew
oops, double post!!
A random woman at work asked me when we were having another as my little girl would probably love a brother or sister. This was 3 days after our second miscarriage after trying for 3 years to conceive a sibling for our daughter. I'll never ask anyone that question.
^^ some people mean well but have the subtlety of a sledgehammer or their comments are just bad timing ...either way its not nice for any parent who is grieving over a miscarriage
That reminds me of someone asking my wife if we were having any more kids her response was "nah i had a hysterectomy last week..." 😯 I think I was more shocked by her words but she is pretty matter of the fact with such things. ( oh and yes i did know about it...)
Got a couple of mates who are going through this with their respective partners, one and his wife have spent ~10 years trying, IVF, 6 or 7 extended stays in hospital to clean up after a miscarriage and many more upsets along the way. They dropped out of the adoption process about 12 months ago when she got to the end of the second trimester, they now have a 9 month old boy. And he hasn't slept properly for about 8 and half months......... (HA!) they are also back on the adoption list as the chances of her conceiving and carrying to term again are (in the doctors words) between slim and none.
The other one has recently had the news that there is no chance. So they have moved house, they were essentially living as a couple of hippies in a big shed in the woods, now they live in the village, both taken "better" (more stable and professional) jobs. Basically so they can adopt. Hopefully should get some news this year or early next.
I was very aware how little support and advice there is for fathers after a miscarriage
'aint that the truth 🙁
Making sure those close to you know is a very good idea, and talking about it when it happens is also helpful, but an early announcement isn't (IMO), when we get pregnant again we certainly won't be telling people (other than the close friends/family) until we feel a bit more confident that things are progressing well.
exactly this. support from parents and a close friend or 2 was vital, but going round telling everyone would have been a killer.
people definitely need to talk about it more though / bring it out in the open. who knew a miscarriage could last 8 weeks? 😐
Satistically, once the pregnancy makes it safely beyond the first trimester, you can be confident that you'll be ok (of course, we all know of horror stories from friends or acquaintances). Sometimes, the emotional attachment that others (especially family - e.g. grandparents eagerly awaiting the first grandchild) get to your pregnancy means that the prospective mum and dad feel like they're letting others down to go along nicely as an accompaniment to their own grief. I've seen this close-up enough to realise why it's a good idea to keep a lid on it. I realise there's no "good" reason why a miscarriage should lead to a woman feeling guilty, but as we all know, it happens and grieving prospective grandparents can just make everything worse. Tell them once it's happened and let them deal with it rather than dashing their hopes and dreams as well as your own.
Because we were beside ourselves with worry, we paid for an early scan at somewhere between 7 and 8 weeks. We were lucky enough to be having a doctor doing the scan for us who told us that everything he saw and measured pointed to a 95%+ chance of a successful carry. At that point we told two sets of very close friends, almost as an outlet really but because they knew everything we'd been through, had had babies themselves and were holding out a lot of hope for us.
Would I have told my or mrs DD's family? Not a chance. They waited until after the 12 weeks.
we were offered an early scan during second pregnancy, I didn't feel it would have made much difference either way but my mrs seemed happy with it. Then her mum got her a foetal heartbeat microphone thingy. I really didn't like that idea and sure enough we had several heart in mouth moments through the pregnancy when mrs struggled to find a heartbeat.Because we were beside ourselves with worry, we paid for an early scan at somewhere between 7 and 8 weeks.
After a miscarriage you seem to spend a lot more time worrying rather than looking forward to the little 'uns arrival.
After a miscarriage you seem to spend a lot more time worrying rather than looking forward to the little 'uns arrival.
Oh yes, this x 1000.
From our positive test till we were able to do the scan, we just worried bloody constantly - while all the time realising that all the worrying in the world wasn't going to change anything. The relief we felt after that scan though - probably the best £100 I've ever spent. 🙂
Not a frequent poster on here but this subject strikes a chord with me. I personally wouldn't recommend telling anybody until at least after the 12 week scan purely to save yourselves from all the awkward questions and conversations that will be asked if anything bad happens. My wife has had 3 miscarriages including numerous other procedures after the miscarriages as well. We now have 3 children (2 naturally conceived) but there have been some very long and dark periods along the way. I do also agree there is not a lot of support or thought for the dad along the way. I hope all goes to plan for Weird bloke and his partner.
Congratulations to xherbivorex.
I'm with you on not making a big thing of it. Having been in the "God forbid" situation previously, we were in no rush to tell people, particularly since we were at an age which the NHS classed as 'elevated risk'.
Told family at about 16 weeks. My Mrs told her team and HR dept at about 28 weeks. I didn't get round telling anyone at my work until after the event (apart from the lady who does payroll as I wanted to take a couple of weeks paternity leave) and would do the same if we ever have another.
I can't be doing with self-centred obsessing that you sometimes see. So you're having a baby... it's hardly a global precedent. And spare a thought for any colleagues or friends you may have who have been trying to conceive for years who will be hurting every time someone else gets pregnant.
