[Closed] angry brits,cuts,unrealentless trolling...what we need is a..

why did the baker have brown hands?

Because he kneaded a poo

What's brown and sticky?

...a twig

me and mrsconsequence were arguing the other morning and i ended up throwing the washing machine at her.... BOSCH!

What's red, white and fluffy and sits in a tree?

A sanitary owl.

from bernard righton (fast show) there were 3 fellas at a bar,a west indian gentleman,a Tibetan monk and a chinese fellow.what a wonderful example of modern integrated society. i'll get my coat

Q. What bees produce milk

A. Boobees.

Two old women sitting on a park bench, suddenly a streaker runs past.
One had a stroke, the other wasn't quick enough!

one of my favorites from a scottish friend, has to be read in a scottish accent kind of way.

A glasgow man had his testicles ripped off the other day. Doctors re attached them with Bostick.

Bloody Nokia predictive text. I only texted a few of my North London mates asking if they fancied a pint.

RealMan - Member
Bloody Nokia predictive text. I only texted a few of my North London mates asking if they fancied a pint.

At least you didn't ask them if they "Fancied getting food in the crown"!

What is the most common owl in the UK

teat

I farted in a lift full of people, it was wrong on every level

Glaswegian walks in to a bakery and asks, "is that a doughnut or a meringue?"

Baker replies, "No, yer right enough"

I went to the zoo the other day, really wasn’t very impressed. There was only one animal, a little dog. It was a shih-tzu.

CFH - can you explain that for the hard of thinking (i.e. me)

or a meringue?

In a Scottish accent, sounds like "or am-I-wrong".

Man walks into WH Smiths & says "Do you have that new self-help book for men with really small dicks?".

Girl says "I dont think its in yet" He replies "Yeah thats the one"

LOL to all!

I saw loads of kids on the news earlier this week, getting off the train in London carrying brooms. I thought, there's going to be one hell of a Quidditch match.

At least you didn't ask them if they "Fancied getting food in the crown"!

I've just told my girlfriend I'm going to kick her puppy and then dual her aunt.

"or am-I-wrong".

Hey rioter, look at your friend, now look at me, sadly I'm not your friend but the man your friend could be if he stopped petrol bombing and used job centre plus. Look down, now up, where are we? We're at the interview talking to the man you could be working for. Back at me, what's in my hand? I'm holding the application form for the job you need, look again, the form is now money. Anything is possible when you stop looting and get a job. I'm on a horse.

Cougar - Member
Hey rioter, look at your friend, now look at me, sadly I'm not your friend but the man your friend could be if he stopped petrol bombing and used job centre plus. Look down, now up, where are we? We're at the interview talking to the man you could be working for. Back at me, what's in my hand? I'm holding the application form for the job you need, look again, the form is now money. Anything is possible when you stop looting and get a job. I'm on a horse.

Perfect! Brilliant! Other such words describing levels of awesomeness! 🙂

What do you call a donkey with three legs?
Wonky.

Last night I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to play "the rape game".
She said "no"... I could tell she was going to be good at it.

Two looters in a Clapham fruit and veg shop. Why?

They were looking for Apples and Blackberrys...

I was in the kitchen earlier. Opened a cupboard door and a jar of Omega 3 supplement fell out onto my arm.

I'm ok though, it's just a superfishoil injury.

Apologies if this is a repeat, but, courtesy of my mother:

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's a marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

[img] [/img]

Cougar - Member

I was in the kitchen earlier. Opened a cupboard door and a jar of Omega 3 supplement fell out onto my arm.

I'm ok though, it's just a superfishoil injury.

😆

cougars on a roll...

JEngledow - Member

What's brown and sticky?

...a twig

and anal

Two muffins in an oven. One says to the other,

"Boy, is it hot in here."

The other replies,

"OMG, a talking muffin!"

Got a mate who almost wet himself when he heard that.

I was watching the news with my wife last night, "looks like the Kaiser Chiefs were right" I said.

"Yeah very funny" she replied, "I predict a riot".

I said "no every day I love you less and less".

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One's a marsupial, the other's a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Are you here all week cougar! I just nearly choked on a mouthful of coffee when I read that. It came out of my nose and everything 😀

Was having some fun with this married woman over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open.

She said ‘It`s my husband quick try the back door!’

Thinking back I should have legged it really, but you don't get invites like that every day!

What's the difference between Jam and Marmalade?

...I can't try to Marmalade my cock up a girls arse

What's the difference between a buffalo and a bison?

You can't wash your hands in a buffalo.

Got a mate who almost wet himself when he heard that.

A while back when I was a young lad and dating, I picked up my date at her parents' home.

I'd managed to scrape together enough cash to take her to a decent restaurant. Once seated she ordered the most expensive items on the menu. Prawn cocktail, Lobster and Champagne..

I asked her, "Does your mother feed you like that when you eat at home?"

"No," she replied. "but my mother's not expecting a blow job tonight either."

I replied "enjoy your meal"....

Female Lonley Hearts Adverts Decyrpted
What they say...... What they mean:

Adventurous = Slut

Athletic = No Tits

30 Something = 41

Fun = Annoying

Wild = Gets drunk easily

Beautiful Eyes = Face like a bag of smashed crabs

Seeks knight in armor = Ex is a f*****g Pysco

New age = Hairy and smelly

Headstrong = Argumentative

Enjoys Pubs and Clubs = Alcoholic

Curvy = Fat Cow

Cuddly = Really Fat Cow

Likes eating out = Greedy Fat Cow

Likes Nights in = Lazy Fat Cow

GSOH = NSOH

Looking for friendship = Frigid

Sensitve/Romantic = No A**l

Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves aren't happy.

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.

The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors - green, red,
orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at her.

The teenager kept looking and would find my dad staring every time.

When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked:
"What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?"

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not
choke on his response; I knew he would have a good one!

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid ....

"Got stoned once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if
you might be my kid."

What's Beethoven's favourite fruit?

BANANA NAAAA BANANA NAAAAA BANANA NAAAAAAA BANANA NAAAAAAAAAAA

Apple.

I spent 2 hours at the wifes grave last night.

silly cow still thinks i'm digging a pond.

What do you do if you find a trumpet growing in your garden?

You root-it-oot

I took a girl called Ruth for a ride on my motorbike once.
As I pulled away from the lights a bit sharpish, she fell off the back.
I didn't go back and pick her up though.
I just rode on ruthlessly.

My mate Paddy was among the rioters who ransacked Argos in Manchester last night...he's got 500 catalogues if you want one

The last time I told this joke on here someone corrected me, but I'm going to tell it again anyway.

A man walks into a pub
*clang*
It was an iron pub

[img] [/img]

Not a joke, but this always makes me smile.

I had a racing snail once.
It was really slow and always lost.
I thought I'd help make it faster by removing its shell and painting it gloss black.
But that just made it even more sluggish.

Why did Nick Clegg cross the road?

[img] [/img]

Because he said he wouldn't

1. Was having a w*nk the other day and my gran caught me. She was so shocked that she had a stroke. Couldn't believe how soft her hands were

😆

Was having a w*nk the other day and my gran caught me.

Always a surprise when they wake up

today I looked out on the destruction. Smashed windows, cars turned upside down, a bus on fire, people running scared, police unsure what move to make. . . . I turned to the missus and said 'Chin up darling, you did your best, but maybe I should park the car!'

about 3 years ago I was sitting at home when I heard a knock at the door. i opened the door and see a snail on the porch. I pick up the snail and throw it as far as I can. Three years later, there’s a knock on the door. I open it and sees the same snail. The snail says "What the hell was that all about?"

me & the missus were sitting in the living room and i said to her, "Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." So she unplugged the TV and threw out all my beer....

My first job was delivering filofaxes for the Mafia. I was involved in very organised crime.

Saw this new barbers in Camberley and thought it funny they spelt anus wrong 🙂

[img] [/img]

Always a surprise when they wake up

I saw a magic tractor the other day.

It turned into a field.

The Liverpool FC manager flies to Kabul to watch a Young Afghani play football, is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over.

Two weeks later Liverpool are 4-0 down to Chelsea with only 20 minutes left. The manager gives the young Afghani striker the nod and on he goes.

The lad is a sensation, scores 5 goals in 20 minutes and wins the game for Liverpool . The fans are delighted, the players and coaches are delighted and the media love the new star.

When the player comes off the pitch he phones his mum to tell her about his first day in English football.

'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 20 minutes today. We were 4-0 down but I scored 5 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media, they all love me.'

'Wonderful,' says his mum. 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, gang raped and beaten and your brother has joined a gang of looters. All this happened to us while you were having such a great time.'

The young lad is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm really sorry.'

'Sorry?! Sorry?!' says his mum, 'It's your bloody fault we came to Liverpool in the first place!'