Forum menu
eh? It was the first time I’d spoken to her in 6 weeks! You may think I’m unreasonable, emotional or whatever, but controlling?
Well, there are signs of that type of behaviour yes, even if you don't recognise them yourself. You don't want her to bring her new partner, because you clearly still have strong feelings for her. That she is bringing him is beyond your control, and it's obviously making you angry.
I don’t care she’s going out with someone.
I think most here would beg to differ. You clearly do. Otherwise this thread wouldn't exist.
I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!
Your holiday? Not her holiday? Or their holiday?
How do they feel about YOU going?
(is this going to be a ‘give me some advice, NO NOT THAT ADVICE!’ thread?)
Bingo! You win a cookie.
I doubt many of the cycling club members are too chuffed about finding themselves in the middle of an episode of Hollyoaks.
...but balls to them. I want to know how this pans out (I'm not envying mr new bloke who's going to suffer some withering stares not to mention possibility of awful chafing going on a cycle hol early in a new relationship).
Bum the boyfriend, that'll teach her.
I actually think you put her in a really difficult position. How can she go on this holiday with you after you expressed your unrequited love and clearly haven't got over it? Super uncomfortable and awkward. She is probably feeling hurt that there never was any genuine friendship on your side and all the nice 'friendship' memories now have a dirty taint.
The only unreasonable thing is bringing the new guy on a club trip where the other club members aren't happy. Does the guy cycle? Will they be doing stuff alone in the evenings to spending all the group time? But, are you sure they really don't want him to come and aren't just giving you soothing sounds?
If I was her I would want my new boyf to be there as a buffer from you. In her eyes, you overstepped the boundaries and now she can't trust you.
I think most here would beg to differ
well yeah obviously I care that she’s going out with someone. But I’m not angry about it, I wished her well when I found out. That’s just life. I chose to try to forget about it and move on
Which is kinda hard if I’m sitting opposite the dude at breakfast..
Because of that, as others have said, it would be madness of me to go. I’m pissed off I can no longer go on holiday, not at her for having a boyfriend!
@martinhutch was so close.
https://singletrackworld.com/forum/topic/ending-a-friendship/page/2/
What’s the betting that OP will do nothing, end up letting the new boyfriend join her and the group of friends on holiday, and have to watch them being all loved-up for a fortnight?
Why not just chill and see how you feel in summer? You might have a new person in your life anyway and then you can be mates again?
Have you thought about going on a wild week-long coke and hookers binge in Amsterdam instead?
In her eyes, you overstepped the boundaries and now she can’t trust you.
she’s known I’ve wanted more than friendship for 2 years. Why can’t she trust me now? I didn’t try to jump on her the last twice we’ve been away together
How do they feel about YOU going?
well given I’ve been booked up for a year and she decided to invite him in last few weeks I suspect they are just fine with it!
I chose to try to forget about it and move on
But you haven't, and that's why we're here.
Which is kinda hard if I’m sitting opposite the dude at breakfast..
Especially if your room is next to theirs. Breakfast might be a tad more awks...
as others have said, it would be madness of me to go
I'm glad you've seen sense. Seeing them being intimate with each other might tip you over the edge.
I’m pissed off I can no longer go on holiday, not at her for having a boyfriend!
That's not how most of us are seeing it, sorry. I think you need to really examine your own feelings as honestly as possible. Which is why I think talking therapy might help. Because you clearly feel a lot of anger at being 'rejected' in this manner, which is understandable. Many of us have felt similar I'm sure. I've succumbed to stupid jealousy and I'm sure I'm not the only one. But you've got to grow up and move on properly. If you allow yourself to do so, and get the appropriate support you need, you can do so. Otherwise you'll end up bitter, twisted and lonely.
well given I’ve been booked up for a year and she decided to invite him in last few weeks I suspect they are just fine with it!
You hadn't admitted to being fake friends with her when she booked it.
Have you thought about going on a wild week-long coke and hookers binge in Amsterdam instead?
actually yes I have!!
Why not just chill and see how you feel in summer? You might have a new person in your life anyway and then you can be mates again?
because I need to cancel now or lose the 1800 quid I’ve spent on it! Given she probably knew I wouldn’t go if he came, and she knew the cut off for Payment is this week, it would have been nice of her to voluntarily tell me!
You hadn’t admitted to being fake friends with her when she booked it
Once again, she knew fine well what I wanted when we she booked it!!
Otherwise you’ll end up bitter, twisted and lonely.
end up ?
I don’t care she’s going out with someone. I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!
You can though. No one is stopping you going other than you. It's entirely possible to go, be polite to her and her new fella and enjoy the company of your mates. That's what a grown up not a hormonal teenager would do.
she’s known I’ve wanted more than friendship for 2 years. Why can’t she trust me now? I didn’t try to jump on her the last twice we’ve been away together
Because you have now told her again you want more than just a friendship and made it impossible for her to ignore. she may not be acting completely rationally as well 🙂
Kittyr above seems to be a real actual woman - might be worth listening to 🙂
because I need to cancel now or lose the 1800 quid I’ve spent on it!
Cancel now. Work everything else out later.
You need time. And a different holiday this year. I can recommend Sedona. Go on your own if need be.
Clearly still smitten and clearly not come to terms with the fact she's well and truly moved on. I'm guessing you saw this holiday as a small chance something could happen between you and then her new fella coming has pee'd all over that idea.
That flight is going to be awkward as awkward gets. But I'd still go. Not going means you'll be even more upset and angry. Just make sure you are not in the room next door to them etc.
Take a step back and while she doesn't have to tell you anything, I see this as a bullet dodged. If she cared that much this would not have happened. Seems to me like she's used you when it suited her, played on the fact she knew you were besotted and then as soon as someone else came onto the scene she was off like Gough. **** her. Move on and find someone who gives a sh!t about you because she clearly does not.
Seems to me like she’s used you when it suited her, played on the fact she knew you were besotted and then as soon as someone else came onto the scene she was off like Gough.
Or.... she thought they were friends.
This is mental. Go on your riding trip with your non-cycling group anymore mates and have a good time. A girl you once dated for a bit will be there with her new bloke you you're not bothered about. And? You never know, he might actually be a dead nice guy and you'll get on like a house on fire.
You really do sound like you need to move on with your life and start looking forward instead of backwards... I suspect stuff like this can mess people up.
I have to say I am staggered by the sheer number of expert relationship counsellors we have on STW!
I'd rather ask for butchery advice at the local vegan cafe!
I'm siding with yes you're being unreasonable OP but I do think some of these responses are a little harsh- especially as its not an official club holiday but a bunch of mates who go regular together.
I get why it stings to have to be the one who can't go but equally not sure the lady in this scenario has any easy options either.
Surely the best (least worst?) option is to re-arrange your flights so you arrive on the actual start day and then just suck it up as best you can or tactfully arrange your itinerary so as to avoid awkwardness as far as possible.
If she's there with a new partner that nobody else knows it sounds like they may naturally end-up doing their own thing or being a little separate from the main group anyway.
Cancel now. Work everything else out later
wise words which I will follow
thanks for the input guys, bit harsh at times but I asked for your opinion and got it. Just to be clear though, I’m not bitter about her, just sad. And yes of course I can’t go because I’ll utterly break me seeing her with another guy right now. I don’t think that’s a particularly unnormal reaction when you are in love with someone!
cheers anyway👍
I have to say I am staggered by the sheer number of expert relationship counsellors we have on STW!
I’d rather ask for butchery advice at the local vegan cafe!
Lolz
Sorry been doing some work, I'm now confused
Have @tpbiker and @Aidy booked their tandem touring holiday yet?
I’ll utterly break me seeing her with another guy right now. I don’t think that’s a particularly unnormal reaction when you are in love with someone!
You're right, it's perfectly normal and why you shouldn't have been mates for a long time mate. You're making your life really really painful.
If it's any consolation, many/most of us have been there and done the friend thing while waiting... I doubt many of them are with that person now.
My club mates are also not best pleased when they found out
Did you tell them, because it sounds if you did in order to recruit allies to your cause. And trying to set a group against a stranger cos you cant get over the ex maybe suggests she's better off without you and as in that saying was it me or was it her, it was you.
I suggest you dont go, or at least tell her how the club mates found out the entire situation involving your trois, so at least she or the boyfriend can decide not to go seeing as you've pretty much spoiled it for them.
because I need to cancel now or lose the 1800 quid I’ve spent on it!
I'd cancel and book another holiday. If she'd have told you her plans you could even have just changed names on tickets and got the new fella to reimburse you.
thanks for the input guys, bit harsh at times but I asked for your opinion and got it. Just to be clear though, I’m not bitter about her, just sad. And yes of course I can’t go because I’ll utterly break me seeing her with another guy right now. I don’t think that’s a particularly unnormal reaction when you are in love with someone!
So you have the sense and rationality to understand that, which is a positive sign. I think cancelling would be the most honourable thing for you to do, and would at least show her and others you are willing to make a sacrifice in order to make things less uncomfortable for others. We get where you're coming from, but also none of us understand her perspective on this, or indeed anyone else affected by this. But she isn't excluding you from this trip at all; she has every right to take her partner along. Why shouldn't she? You're excluding yourself because of your own inability to come to terms with the reality of the situation. Speaking from personal experience, you're far better off making a clean break from the situation, and reducing contact with her. Time is a good healer.
And £1800 is a fair bit of money to have a nice holiday with. I can recommend the south of France; great weather, great food, great beaches, and great biking as well I'm sure.
And £1800 is a fair bit of money to have a nice holiday with.
https://www.basquemtb.com/mountain-bike-holidays/
OP I have a lot of admiration for the thick skin you have shown when inviting, then accepting good humouredly the harsh 'advice' you've had on here.
If you could harness some of that armour to use in your personal life it might help. Good luck, make sure you pop back in for some measured advice when you meet your new partner! 😉
Rebook for another week. You'll get to meet some new friends and still have fun.
You'll feel different by then (I hope) anyway. You'll only end up more bitter sitting at home, thinking that you're over her and didn't get to go on holiday due to some feelings you had months ago!
She hasn't really done anything to warrant you staying at home (or going and making things awkward).
You’re right, it’s perfectly normal and why you shouldn’t have been mates for a long time mate
Yep.. you are 100% correct
Did you tell them, because it sounds if you did in order to recruit allies to your cause
no, I told them because i was letting 2 good mates know I probably wasn’t going to go and the reason why. Don’t see what’s sinister in that. Both said they felt it was out of order, knowing the situation as they do (better than those that are judging me on here!) Or perhaps they were just placating their mate. Who knows. The others that are going don’t even know yet, or at least I haven’t told them
OP I have a lot of admiration for the thick skin you have shown when inviting, then accepting good humouredly the harsh ‘advice’ you’ve had on here.
it’s a forum! I asked for opinions and I got them! Not going to take the hump just because it’s not what I want to hear!
Cancel your booking - get your money back. She will find out and either realise that it's her action (bringing BF) that's caused it and apologise - or be grateful and carry on... in which case you will, hopefully, finally realise that it's well and truly done.
Spend the money on another holiday where at least you stand a chance of meeting someone better in every way rather than being miserable for two weeks.
Putting aside all the "When Harry Met Sally"-esque drama, the idea of summarily inviting an additional person, who is unknown to anyone else on a group holiday, without asking the group collectively if that's cool, is a bit presumptuous and rude.
Appreciate that some of the responses can be seen as harsh, but for me, and I expect others, we have been in similar situations either ourselves or with close friends and there are a number of clear warning signs on display.
Better to be honest and hopefully OP can see that it is intended to clearly show that he needs to move on with his life and change his expectations around his ex-friends behaviour.
She will find out and either realise that it’s her action (bringing BF) that’s caused it and apologise
Eh? This is straying towards 'victim blaming' for me. She hasn't caused any problem at all, regardless of whether or not she's bringing her new partner. If her and tpbiker were only friends, then what would be the issue with her bringing a partner along? The problem is tpbiker's feelings for her, which are now inappropriate, as she has clearly defined the boundaries of their relationship. If tpbiker cannot accept that, then that's his problem, not hers. I don't think it's fair to judge her as we've not heard her side of the story, and we don't have all the facts.
the idea of summarily inviting an additional person, who is unknown to anyone else on a group holiday, without asking the group collectively if that’s cool, is a bit presumptuous and rude.
Why? I can't see how it can be really, in such a situation. Surely she's allowed to be in charge of her own relationships? Why would anyone object to her bringing a partner? Are any other couples going on the trip? Would other people's partners be welcome on the trip? Why would she need permission?
You played down the "she knew very well what I wanted" a few weeks ago when you were going on about dramatically ending the friendship. You also made a big song and dance about ending your friendship but then intended to go on holiday, sat next to her, 4 days before the main holiday.....come on mate. That is absolutely ridiculous.
I think you need to work this out with your actual mates who know both of you and can give perspective based on real experience not your perception of whatever this is. But it does sound like you like this drama.
Sounds like you've accepted the consensus view here OP, kudos for being open-minded about it.
Now focus on how you're gonna go elsewhere have a better holiday than them, which you'll document passive-aggressively on Instagram for the whole club to see.
😉
The problem is tpbiker’s feelings for her, which are now inappropriate
dude you make it sound like I’ve done something wrong! She was a massive part of my life for last 3 years, she’s known how I felt for past 2 years. We were very very close, as everyone going on the holiday knows. That she doesn’t feel the same doesn’t mean I can just switch off my feelings for her. Sure I was a total mug for naively thinking something may develop further, but it’s only been a month since I found out for sure it wouldn’t. Since then I’ve done everything possible to avoid her and move on. Sure I’m hurting a bit, but I don’t think not being ready to go on holiday with the happy couple qualifies me as a therapy case just yet!😂
think you need to work this out with your actual mates who know both of you and can give perspective based on real experience
I did try that, with 2 of our mutual mates who are going . And have been slated on here for doing so for ‘poisoning the well’!!
dude you make it sound like I’ve done something wrong!
Not at all. 'Inappropriate' merely means that your inability to maintain a healthy, mutually consensual relationship, leads to you having inappropriate feelings for her. I know you can't help that, but they still remain inappropriate. She doesn't want you to have those feelings, I'm sure. But she can't control you as you can't control her. So you're both kind of stuck with an 'either/or' situation, which neither you are ever going to resolve perfectly. It's shit, but that's just how it is.
Sure I’m hurting a bit, but I don’t think not being ready to go on holiday with the happy couple qualifies me as a therapy case just yet!
You sure?
The problem is tpbiker’s feelings for her, which are now inappropriate
dude you make it sound like I’ve done something wrong!
Yeah, I think "inappropriate" is the wrong word to use.
OP: I think you've taken the advice and general consensus fairly well. You're best off staying away if you can't be 'ok' while you're there. The problem isn't really that she didn't check with other people first, because even if she'd done that and the rest of the group were fine with it, you'd still have a problem because of how you feel about her. It's completely understandable, but as above, step away, it's not worth the heartache/stress/fights after too much sangria!