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You sure?
Yep quite sure thanks. I asked for opinions on whether I was being unreasonable, not an analysis on my mental state from someone that knows nothing about me, the girl involved, or what went on between us. Because in that regard, your opinion is absolutely worthless👍
Yeah, you can't turn your romantic feelings on or off like a tap. Behaviour can be inappropriate, those kind of feelings can't really. However, if he carries on venting to the people who are also going on the holiday, and creates a bad atmosphere or ill feeling towards her, that's crossing the line.
If he can't go on the trip, it's not her fault, or the boyfriend's, it's his decision taken out of consideration for his and her enjoyment, and he needs to make that clear to the rest of the group.
Also, even if her new man wasn't going....you shouldn't go anyway. You told her you were ending your friendship so she probably thought that you wouldn't be going away for a holiday and private pre holiday with her.
I can't see why she would or should cancel. If I was her, id have assumed you wouldn't go.
Given this thread you're clearly not in a place to go. Save your money pal and do something you'll enjoy.
I'm amazed that anyone would spend 2 years of their life in the "friend zone" hoping that something would develop.
After a few months, it must of got to the point where it was obvious nothing was going to develop.
In my defense I originally walked away after we split up..
3 months later her sister unexpectedly died and she came calling for comfort (not that type of comfort!) . It just went from there..I suspect she took advantage of my feelings for her a bit and I blindly went along with it out of naive optimism!
but yes, as I’ve admitted I’m a mug!
Unreasonable.
She may well be under pressure from the new boyfriend who is feeling uncomfortable with the fact that his girlfriend is going to be spending a few days on holiday alone with her ex and you could hardly blame him.
agreed. The easy solution to that would have been for her (or me) to just to go out with everyone else a few days later but that’s not the call she’s taken, and tbf If I felt like I do come May it wouldn’t make much of a difference, I’d still be miserable whether the others were there or not!
i wish I could take a call further down the line, I may not give a crap by then. But realistically I can’t afford to waste the money if I decide not to go so the decision needs to be taken now
I’m a mug
No you're really not.
I've not read the entire thread, but my take would be that thinking of things as 'unreasonable' or not, isn't really very helpful when it's about emotional stuff like this. The question you need to ask is 'how do I best look after myself' and in this case, you're the only person who knows the answer.
My guess, since you're obviously still very raw, is that not being in that situation is going to be a lot easier on you than spending however long it is trapped in a group with your ex and her new bloke.
I found myself in a similar situation. A mate's mountain biking birthday weekend when no-one thought it was worth mentioning to me that my ex was going to be there. I was still very chewed up for all sorts of reasons and I basically baled out after the first day for reasons of self preservation. In honesty, lots of my mates thought I was behaving 'unreasonably', but I didn't want to be in that place. it was making me very unhappy and what other people thought I 'should' feel wasn't really relevant.
Don't be tempted to make up stories about your ex's relationship either or what may or may not happen Have a proper think about what you need to do for yourself and your own well-being and do what's right for you. It's not about whether you're being reasonable or not, that boat is going to the wrong destination.
Perhaps a better title to the thread would have been ‘ I can’t face going on holiday with my ex and her new bf’, what should I do?’ And I think badlywireddog has summed it up nicely, as have others.
👍
TL:DR.
Are you quicker than he is? surely thats all that matters.
Spank him on the bike.
The easy solution to that would have been for her (or me) to just to go out with everyone else a few days later
This is the main thing I’ve noticed hasn’t been mentioned. Lots of her/new bf may not feel comfortable after the ‘big reveal’ yet if that’s the case why wouldn’t she just say “I’ll come for the main holiday, (other bods around) but not go days early anymore (the 2 on their own)”
Also, I’d never just invite an extra person on holiday without asking the others in the group I’m going with if they would mind. That’s just rude
In situations like this, I find it best to seperate the "how am I feeling" question from the "why am I feeling like this" question.
It's ok to feel upset about this. Whatever has gone on between the two of you in the past, you still have to grieve for the loss of the relationship, whatever it was. Anger is part of the grieving process.
Emotions are best acknowledged, but not indulged. Anger especially. Once it's acknowledged it's best to find a non-destructive way to deal with it. Write it down, exercise it off, take some time out, speak to a therapist, go downhill mountain biking, whatever.
Having people tell you it's your fault, or her fault isn't helpful. It doesn't matter because it's done, and remaining angry about it isn't going to help anyone, least of all you.
In time, the anger will wear off. Until it does, it's best to stay away from her. If it doesn't abate over time then look at getting some therapy.
Afterwards, it may be worth looking at what you might have done differently next time. There's no point in looking for fault with her, because there's nothing you can do about her actions, and indeed to try to do so is likely to make the situation worse not better.
I hope that this is helpful to you.
I personally think that you are being a little bit unreasonable. She is aware of your feelings for her, but it sounds like it's not reciprocated in the same way and all she is doing is wanting to spend some time with her new partner. It's probably not personal against you, just an opportunity on her part to include him in something she likes doing.
I would maybe consider not using the situation to go talking to other members of your group as it sounds like you are trying to build a bit of a rift, and I'm guessing that's not going to end well for one of you, if not both.
Maybe for your own mental health cancel this year's trip and look to do something with a few of the friends at another time. Until you've got your head clear about it you are better of making some space between you.
I will cancel for my own sanity, and have asked my mates to be nice to her if she goes. Regardless of my feelings about her holiday decision, I have no desire to cause a rift, and care too much about her to cause her unnecessary upset.
I’ve also apologized to her for some rather harsh words shared in anger yesterday. Life’s too short to bear ill will, and hopefully she will accept that.
it has been good to be able to share my thoughts folks, and I appreciate (most of) the responses. Especially a couple of guys that took the time to PM me outside this thread.
cheers guys 👍
Good luck tpbiker... and make sure to get a good holiday sorted for yourself... keep us updated on that!
Prob for the best pal. Life's too short to give yourself problems. Try and get out and meet someone new yourself. 👍
Did we totally discount the notion of a threesome?
I will cancel for my own sanity, and have asked my mates to be nice to her if she goes. Regardless of my feelings about her holiday decision, I have no desire to cause a rift, and care too much about her to cause her unnecessary upset.
I’ve also apologized to her for some rather harsh words shared in anger yesterday. Life’s too short to bear ill will, and hopefully she will accept that.
Sounds like a good plan to me.
I'd probably cancel, personally.
It sucks, but if I were the new boyfriend I wouldn't be happy about my girlfiriend going either, especially for a few days alone beforehand with an ex!
Really she should have probably been a bit more sensitive & cancelled and done something else with the new fellla but she's under no obligation to do so, even though she's makng a bit of an awkward situation, with you, her new bloke, and the rest of the group.
Apologies if I'm repeating. There's too many responses already and it's all a bit Mills & Boone to me...
2 questions:
Is he a keen cyclist and is joining in as a cyclist but non Club member?
Are you really peeved about your 4 extra days for now the 3 of you?
If he is a cyclist and not just a hanger on, so long as it's not an 'exclusively Club members only' trip - things should work out so long as he's not a complete plonker. The shared interest usually lubricates the day...
As for the 4 days, Id be cancelling those. You'll not want to play gooseberry around a newly formed couple (and all that involves - ahem).
So change ya plans for the 4 days (go somewhere else?) and hold yer nose for the rest.
NEXT!!
OP, glad you have a plan. And I think it's very good that you have apologised for what was said.
hopefully you find something else to do, and eventually someone else to do it with.
maybe replace your trip with a bit of bike packing somewhere warm? Embrace a spirit of adventure and opportunity to do something completely different.
Does the new guy have a dog or a lawn and are you in possession of any frozen sausages and a hammer? Go full Fatal Attraction STW style!
Not read the whole thread, but picking up on the bit where you've said that it's only been a month that you've realised that it's not going to happen between you guys.... that's not a lot of time at all. There are various ways of dealing with this type of thing....mine was copious amounts of online dating (literally within a few days!) and quite a lot of trips snowboarding/other travelling.
Treat yourself to some trips, try as hard as possible not to dwell (waaay easier said than done) and good times almost certainly await. Definitely think that you not going on the trip will be for the best.
Yep quite sure thanks. I asked for opinions on whether I was being unreasonable, not an analysis on my mental state from someone that knows nothing about me, the girl involved, or what went on between us. Because in that regard, your opinion is absolutely worthless
The fact that you've posted 2 threads now on a cycling forum, shows you obviously do want to talk to someone about it, so it was just a suggestion that talking to a professional might be of help to you. Nobody is making any analysis of your mental state. Just trying to offer advice.
Just trying to offer advice
tbf mate you are probably right. And if I’m honest i’ve already been to the docs. I’m a broken man. And I have been since she told me. I’m 47, I finally thought I’d found the girl I’d be with forever and now I have nowt. Can barely sleep, and my work is going to sh1t. I can’t drive down the roads we use to cycle, let alone look at my bikes. Can’t even go for dinner at the restaurant down the road as that’s where I’d go with her for dinner once a week for last year and a half. I took a massive detour the other day to avoid driving past her new house as it’s the one I suggested she buy when she asked me to go house hunting with her at end of last year. I’ve quit the cycling club. Literally every single Ive thing I’ve done since lockdown, places I’ve been etc involved her.
I’ve been through numerous break ups before and never felt like this. Not even close. This morning I woke up and my first thought was ‘bugger’ because I had to face another day..daft thing is I met a lovely lass a few weeks ago who’s pretty keen. But whenever I meet her I think of the other girl. So I’m bound to f that up as well!
So yeah, I’m an absolute mess. When she told me about the holiday it ruined me just a little more than I am already. But tbh, I knew fine well I could never have gone to Majorca with her on her own, or even without her. The place has far too many memories
anyway thanks again all. I just needed to put my thoughts down.
People in love, lie around and get fat
I didn't want us to end up like that
This isn't the first time you've fallen apart
Now you're indulging in just playing a part
The more it happens, the easier it gets
You can learn to enjoy this type of upset
So pass me the wine, a cigarette too
We've about a week and a half to get through
To every girl, that's ever been with me
I'm got over you all, eventually
What becomes of the broken-hearted?
They're drunk for a few weeks
And then back where they started
So pass me the wine, a cigarette too
We've about a week and a half to get through
You can tell how bad you feel
By how long you're in the shower
You're in and out in minutes
Whereas it used to take hours
It's not the breaking up
It's the starting again
Meeting new people, taking them out as a friend
The more it happens, the easier it gets
You can learn to enjoy this type of upset
People in love, lie around and get fat
I didn't want us to end up like that
This is a real sair yin for the OP and I feel for you. A real kick in the cock.
I can understand why you are pissed off - she is being self centered and insensitive but not unreasonable. If I was in your shoes I'd feel I'd been used. Your previous role as confidant is now over as it's been taken by new man and I fear you are now surplus.
There's no good answer here. If it was me I'd abandon this holiday, cut your loses and go somewhere else with people who really value you. If it was me I'd never speak to her again but I'm a cold like that.
Whatever you do, all the best
Sounds rough. Look after yourself.
Oh mate, my world fell apart just over 3years ago. It's tough, I did what TomB did and hit online dating quite hard. It's good to find out your not ready for the scrap heap, but it probably wasn't the best move while I was still processing the separation.
About 18months ago something clicked back into place and I realised I has finally processed the crap and was ready for a new start. So I bought myself a new bike and had lots of dirty weekends away 😀
I stopped looking for a new partner, and then boom, I met someone who has lit my world up again (more so than anyone before).
TLDR - go on loads of dates to get her out of your system, spend a fortune on a new bike, then find you have less time to ride said bike!
Time really does work its magic.
Apologies, I haven't read the whole thread, I'll come back to that.
Am I being unreasonable
Yes.
Ultimately, this is a "you" problem. She could probably have been a little more sensitive but she owes you nothing. She's got a new boyfriend, of course she's going to want him to come on holiday with her. What's the alternative here, she snubs him because you've got the screaming thigh sweats for her? How would you feel if you were the boyfriend in that scenario?
If it's an issue, bin the holiday. Frankly in your boat I'd go on the trip and shag anything with a pulse. I might not even be that choosy.
tpbiker. If your leg was broken you would go to the docs and get it fixed so if your head is broken why not? There is no shame in it nor is it weak to do so. I have had a fair bit of counseling and its been greatly beneficial. I doubt you need a lot but a couple of sessions might well help to help you get your thoughts in order.
I have someone I can recommend who works over teams. As ever tho the key thing is do you get on with the counselor
Whilst the ex girlfriend isn't technically doing anything wrong.. If I were to put myself in the shoes of the ex girlfriend, there's no way I would have the brass neck and insensitivity to parade my new boyfriend around on a group holiday that I knew my ex is already going on, it's a little bit of a shamefull way to act, really.
Hm.
If you're in a new and exciting relationship, isn't "parading my new boyfriend around" exactly what you'd want to do? What a great way to introduce him to your friends circle, an overseas holiday where everyone's equal.
You say she's the love of your life. Can you love her sufficiently to let her crack on and be happy?
Sorry if I'm blunt. I sympathise, I do. The love of my life from high school, I barely had the courage to speak three words to. My first actual girlfriend left me for a friend I introduced her to. Second long-term girlfriend ghosted me without warning, third shacked up with my best mate, fourth I discovered used condoms in the bin.
It's a load of shit, it really is. But other women are available. Trust your Uncle Cougar, no good will come of this, you've got to let it go. I think I said on your last thread, a friendship may be salvageable but you have to take a step back first.
I've caught up now and deleted a lot of responses on the way. Can you throw some timescales here?
She was a massive part of my life for last 3 years, she’s known how I felt for past 2 years
You were together for two years and broke up last month, or you had a sticky fumble during lockdown once?
Single or double room?
Is there a hot tub?
Could be equally awkward or sexually liberating🤷♂️
t’s a little bit of a shamefull way to act, really.
Not really. They agreed to be friends. That doesn't mean forcing them to live in chastity
I can’t even be pissed off with her. I wish I could! Nah I’m just sad.
It sounds like you're moving into stage 4 of 7...
But in all seriousness, you shouldn't be angry with her. If I've got the timelines right you broke up 2 years ago, she has got no obligation to put her life on hold (and that includes introducing her new boyfriend to her mates) indefinitely. The situation sucks, and you can be angry/sad/etc at the situation, but being angry at her will just mean you end up hating someone who was important to you.
parade my new boyfriend around on a group holiday that I knew my ex is already going on, it’s a little bit of a shamefull way to act, really.
Ex of over 2 years ago, and who she split up amicably with. I feel for the OP but don't paint the girl as a villain here because OP has problems with his feelings which aren't reciprocated.
Go on the trip, they have tinder in Mallorca.
It's hard but, as above, she's being a bit insensitive but not much wrong.
It hurts but why delay your life any more? To be brutal...she's not coming back fella.....ever.
She’s not the villain here. I think there could have been a slightly more sensitive way to introduce her new bloke to everyone. One that didn’t mean I’d have to be around them for a week. But as I said I probably wouldn’t have gone anyway. Whether she knew that or not who knows. And others say she can ultimately do what she wants