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How about being happy for her and get to know this new person in her life? She may have chosen well and you may (learn to) like him.
Take comfort in knowing she is happy, yes your ego is hurt and that is difficult but don't let that stop you from being a good friend!
If the trip happens as currently planned it maybe useful to think through some 'if.... then' responses to situations you will find difficult!
Whichever way you choose I hope it works out for all of you!
If it's a club organised trip then she'd have to consult with the organiser to see if there was space available? If the club is organising everything and allowed this then their 'outrage' is rather hollow.
But the way it sounds is you're all sorting your own accommodation out - but going to the same place/hotel. She's already booked a room anyway and now she's taking her boyfriend for the ride.
Not a lot you can you can do really. Apart from a stick in his wheels on the first descent!
Bit awkward that you are travelling out 'together' earlier than the rest. But, she may also be uncomfortable now. See it as a few days where you can get some miles in, before the rest of the club arrive. If he's not a cyclist, then you are probably not going to see either of them when you are out for food/beer !
Tbh.. I’m not sure why the heck he’s want to come along given no one but her wants him there!
I think this was touched on earlier in the thread... IMHO, it's probably because he doesn't want her on holiday with an ex without him being there.
given no one but her wants him there!
And that's your answer 🙂 because they're a new couple and want to spend time together.
Cancel your flight, give him your seat next to her.... Go on a completely different trip and enjoy not being there. You can do it as nicely or simply as you want. But you seem to be making this more complicated than it needs to be.
Frankly, you're sounding more unreasonable with each post...
In that she’s not comfortable being alone with tpbiker
once again, she’s know how I felt about her for years yet has been happy to go on holiday with me before that
but fundamentally this is all fall out of you maintaining a close relationship with someone specifically on the off chance she’ll want to rekindle a relationship with you.
To an extend yes
Tbh.. I’m not sure why the heck he’s want to come along given no one but her wants him there!
You mean you don't want him there.
Put yourself in his position. Would you be happy that your new girlfriend is going on holiday with her ex, who has recently declared that he's still in love with her? I certainly wouldn't. But I suspect the main issue isn't him, it's that she's not comfortable with it either, hence bringing the new fella. I know you don't want to hear that, but thats likely the truth.
I can't even comprehend why you'd want to put yourself through this emotional torture in the first place, whether the new fella is there or not. It doesn't sound healthy for your own mental and emotional wellbeing
You need to forget her and move on with your life
Was going to post what JoB said and agree completely
Dude, you need to cancel the holiday. It was always a bit weird if you are honest wasn't it?
If you go, its not going to be any fun.
Sucks, but that's the way it is.
All you can do is to take control of your own destiny here.
What else are you expecting?
If he is a cyclist, gives you the opportunity to drop him on every hill to assert dominance. 🙂
You say that this lass is your friend - she's leant on you for support, you've given that. If there was never just an ulterior motive, and you cared for her unconditionally, then eventually you need to start just being content that she is happy. Single people find partners, who then join their friend group.
How would you feel if a group of mates decided to go on holiday together and one of them just invited a random pal who everyone knew would make it awkward as anything.
Had this happen on a trip my wife was organising once for a week sharing a house.
"I've invite Nick, hope that's okay.
Not really, he's a dick.
I can't uninvite him now.
Okay, here's all the planning info so far. We're not going. Not looking to fall out with anyone, but I don't wish to spend money on use holiday to be in his company."
We didn't go and that was the end of the matter. No drama, we're still friends.
I can’t even comprehend why you’d want to put yourself through this emotional torture in the first place, whether the new fella is there or not. It doesn’t sound healthy for your own mental and emotional wellbeing
Agreed. And because he’s going I probably won’t be. Which is the sensible option but annoys me given it’s my once a year holiday with my cycling chums.
You mean you don’t want him there
well they don’t want him there either tbf, and have stated as much. Partly because they think it’s rude she never asked them, and partly because, if he goes, as above I won’t.
Been arranged for a year, with the pair of us due to fly out 4 days before everyone else.
Am I the only person thinking this is just plain weird given the history/context?
Well... we've been told of at least one other person who probably thinks it's plain weird... and has done something about it.
well they don’t want him there either tbf, and have stated as much. Partly because they think it’s rude she never asked them, and partly because, if he goes, as above I won’t.
If they don't want him there, why haven't they told him/her?
Other people's lives are so needlessly complicated.
You should all go to bed early with no pudding
Politeness... the English disease... they'll probably do want tpbiker there, and not this new guy... but they don't want to upset anyone with action, not least the lady involved... so upsetting tpbiker with inaction is the polite default.
Partly because they think it’s rude she never asked them, and partly because, if he goes, as above I won’t.
Sounds like you've poisoned the well against him.
If they don’t want him there, why haven’t they told him/her?
Is the correct question/answer.. I think they're all having that discussion behind her back. Which is a bit pathetic really.
2 different Whatsapp groups, 1 with her and 1 without... i expect with very very different content
Why would the rest of the group care if he goes?
I think they must be nodding along with the OP or they must be a strange insular group!
If he is a cyclist, gives you the opportunity to drop him on every hill to assert dominance. 🙂
He might be a better rider than the OP and will just soft-tap up the climbs looking behind him with a smug look on his face! 🙂
Own up Aidy, you're the boyfriend aren't you?
Why would the rest of the group care if he goes?
Yeah. Quite.
Either they're aware of all the drama, which is unfair (to her). Or they've each secretly been hoping to chance their arm with her.
Sadly the outcome when you shit where you eat. I have a similar situation playing out in my riding circle, I have rediscovered the joys of solo riding these past few months to avoid the bullshit. 😂
Or they’ve each secretly been hoping to chance their arm with her.
Highly likely.
Look at the positives, you're not sharing a room with them so it's not as bad as it could have been
I'd consider that a poor move on her part if she didn't tell anyone before inviting a partner on a cycling trip, regardless of the past history there. In that case other clubmates should probably have had a quiet word. This is less about the club having an inner circle and more risk management in that he's an unknown, and relationship aside, he could just be a prick.
In your shoes, I know I'd not enjoy the holiday like that with the past history and would seriously consider not going.
Sounds like you’ve poisoned the well against him.
Not even close. I simply told them I wasn’t able to go if he was. They didn’t even know she had a bf until then. I have zero issues with the bloke, never met him, don’t want to meet him!
Politeness… the English disease… they’ll probably do want tpbiker there, and not this new guy… but they don’t want to upset anyone with action, not least the lady involved… so upsetting tpbiker with inaction is the polite default.
Quite possibly. Tbf they only found out yesterday so they may yet say something.
He might be a better rider than the OP and will just soft-tap up the climbs looking behind him with a smug look on his face! 🙂
Good point. OP, get onto Strava and look the bugger up. If he can hold 400 watts for 20 minutes, cancel your flight. 🙂
He might be a better rider than the OP and will just soft-tap up the climbs looking behind him with a smug look on his face! 🙂
trust me there no chance that would happen, I’m like a mountain goat. My only remaining motivation to go is so I can give him the ‘Armstrong stare’ as I drop him half way up the puig..😂
We've only got one side of this story, but I know I'm not the only one thinking 'hmm, awks...'
My view is that it's possible she's bringing her new partner along as a 'shield' or 'buffer zone'; she feels uncomfortable about you being there with your inability to resolve matters within yourself, and needs that added security. You're displaying signs of possible controlling behaviour, and are clearly still very angry and emotionally raw. Perhaps you'd find that some form of talking therapy service might help?
I can’t even comprehend why you’d want to put yourself through this emotional torture in the first place, whether the new fella is there or not. It doesn’t sound healthy for your own mental and emotional wellbeing
You need to forget her and move on with your life
This. It might not be what you want to hear, but it's definitely what you need to hear.
I have zero issues with the bloke, never met him, don’t want to meet him!
LOL so many contradictions there 😀
Not even close. I simply told them I wasn’t able to go if he was.
I would consider that poisoning the well.
The fair thing to do would have been "sorry guys, something came up and I can't make it"
Just another issue, but I doubt many of the cycling club members are too chuffed about finding themselves in the middle of an episode of Hollyoaks.
I know I'd be thinking 'FFS - I only get a week away like this once a year, I'd prefer it if none of them came'
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but its probably true
LOL so many contradictions there 😀
Umm.... yeah - this x 100!
You have every right to feel unhappy about this situtation. The lesson here, which has been a tough one for me to learn is that you are responsible for your emotions, no one else.
3 years of being her best mate. The person she came to stay with last year so I could look after her after her sister died. The person who she would always come to when things got a bit shit or she needed a help with anythjng. Yeah I wanted more but I was a very good mate to her. And sure I was naive and she probably took advantage to that. But I still think it’s pretty mean of her to completely disregard how I’d feel about him coming along
That is on you for not setting a firm boundary with yourself as to how you were going to behave around someone you had feelings for, who did not return them for you. If you were kind to her in the hope she would act a certain way towards you that is manipulation.
I'm not saying this to be harsh. I have strong people pleasing tendancies and realising this stuff has been very difficult, upsetting and also incredibly freeing for me.
The fair thing to do would have been “sorry guys, something came up and I can’t make it”
‘Hey guys. You know that holiday I’ve been on for the past four years. The one we’ve been chatting about for past 6 months..well I can no longer go, can’t tell you why though’🤨🤔 I’m fairly sure my mates would want to know why tbf
You’re displaying signs of possible controlling behaviour
eh? It was the first time I’d spoken to her in 6 weeks! You may think I’m unreasonable, emotional or whatever, but controlling?
I don’t care she’s going out with someone. I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!
How about being happy for her and get to know this new person in her life? She may have chosen well and you may (learn to) like him.
My ex *wife* (not girlfriend) who i was with for nearly 2 decades has a new bloke, i like him, nice guy, would certainly not object to him turning up on a cycling group holiday, or going out for a beer with him.
To an extend yes
Ahha, the truth is out 😉
trust me there no chance that would happen, I’m like a mountain goat.
Dangerous game to play. Seen *many* people coming unstuck thinking things like that.
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but its probably true
its 100% true! They know it’ll be awkward as anything. And they’d rather me go than him.
i like him, nice guy, would certainly not object to him turning up on a cycling group holiday, or going out for a beer with him.
the dude is probably perfectly lovely. Doesn’t mean I want to be sharing my breakfast table with him 5 weeks after I had my heart broken!
Not sure it's been asked/discussed...but lets agree the holiday is sorted...you're not going.
Is she/they likely to become long term members of this cycling club? How are you going to deal with that going forward?
Is she/they likely to become long term members of this cycling club? How are you going to deal with that going forward?
I don’t cycle with the club any more, just the boys that are going on the holiday. So it’s a non issue.
If I was the OP of this , after the amount of stick I was getting I’d back out of the thread and let it fade to the bottom of the page
but it started so well😜
I don’t care she’s going out with someone. I’m only bothered because I now can’t now go on my holiday!
That doesn't make any sense.
If you don't care why can't you go on holiday?
If it's a cycling holiday I assume you are on your bikes all day and then a few drinks and a meal at night?
What difference does it make if she spends the evenings with her bf and doesn't go for a drink with the rest of the group or if there is 1 extra person at the table?
If the rest of the group are so bothered they sound a bit dickish TBF.
‘Hey guys. You know that holiday I’ve been on for the past four years. The one we’ve been chatting about for past 6 months..well I can no longer go, can’t tell you why though’🤨🤔 I’m fairly sure my mates would want to know why tbf
All you have to say is "It's something personal. Don't worry, it's all good. See you at the next one."