[Closed] Daftest / most surprising thing a driver has said to you?

'I will kill you, you fat bastard'. it did not end well, for him.

I had a cracking little tit for tat run in with a driver a while back, he was revving his engine behind me and I knew that he was going to try overtake and turn left, probably misjudging my speed.

As usual he got up beside me and ran out of road for his turn so had to wait (I was going left as well) there was a bit of him going past me, me going past him for a bit in suburbia. In the end he'd pulled in to a side street on my route home, i rode past and waved and he decided to follow me to ask what I thought i was up to.

We started with the verbals before realising how stupid it sounded, that we were both being dicks and had a good laugh and shook hands.

nothing he'd done had been dangerous we'd just managed to wind each other up a bit

Oh 5hit i didnt realise you weren't a kid 🙂

"Nice buns"

Oh 5hit i didnt realise you weren't a kid

😯

"After you mate."

Posh lady possibly a lawyer type in a 4 by four

Me: you just pulled out on me on the roundabout with out looking.forcing me to change lane to avoid being run over by you - we then exited onto a dual carriageway- and then you changed lane again without indicating or looking forcing me to do an emergency stop to avoid being hit by you

Short pause of about 5 seconds

her "**** off" - [go forth and multiply]

I genuinely burst out laughing at her
this was the last time i ever had a chat with a driver as its pointless

Lorry driver once failed to give way and forced me across his path to bail on the other side which made him slam on he got out and threatened to kill me
Me - why dont you just chase after me for a minute till you have a heart attack you fat bastard?

He actually followed me to my work asked to speak to the boss and I re appeared....asking for his bosses phone number 😀

after nearly taking me out with a properly close left hook turning [i]into her drive[/i] female driver said she had to do it because of the van driver behind her.

Had a few variations on the theme of "it's your fault for being there"

her "**** off"

Lol. Bloke nearly knock me off so i shouted out some abuse and gave some hand signals. He slammed on jumped out the car ran up to my face then realised i wasnt in fact a teenager 🙂

"You've not got indicators!"

Well it's observant, I suppose. This was shortly followed by the more normal "You deserve to be run over," and some incoherent spluttering and coughing. Directed at a well-disciplined club run of about ten riders all lit up like xmas trees, covered in high-viz reflective kit, who had been signalling clearly, etc. Still not entirely sure what his problem was exactly, other than a general objection to people who aren't old, fat, white, lazy gits.

Most surprising was "sorry"!!

Bloke pulled out of a side road on the opposite side of the road to me. He misjudged my speed and nearly squished me up against a parked van.

I was reasonably calm when I explained what he'd done at the lights - he was out of his car, a right tough looking loon, missing most of his teeth, and was right up for a fight. "what's your f'ing problem" etc etc etc. I again explained what he'd done and a proper lightbulb seemed to go on and he was all grovelling apologies and my best mate!!

"No. This isn't a ****ing Taxi son".. seconds before the [i]taxi driver[/i] stuck me in the panda and took me to the cells for the night.

"Did you hit me? I thought it was a pothole"

(from the officer driving a police van that pulled out in front of me and then stopped, allowing me to slam into back end)

and "I am going to kill you"

(he got a year at Donncaster jail)

scrote on a scooter revving behind me when filtering through traffic.

me: just ****ing wait!
[stop at traffic lights]
scrote: what did you say?
me: you heard
scrote: what did you say?
me: it doesn't really matter now does it?
scrote: you're a right proper cyclist aren't you?
me: eh?
scrote: you've got all the gear and everyfink
me: errr, thanks
scrote: yeah, you're just a right cyclist

has 'cyclist' become a swear word?

After a bloke overtook me and then slammed on his brakes coming to a complete stop for no apparent reaon causing me to go into the back of him he got out of the car very apologetic and explained that it was raining. In my dazed state I didn't actually query how this fact had given rise to my getting intimate with his rear windscreen.

Relayed by a mate

Down a hill, stop at lights at bottom, car draws alongside, window goes down, here we go,

"You hit 60 down there, nice one!"

" I don't need Citizen Smith telling me what to do "

I was stopped at a zebra crossing while a mother with pram started to cross. I'd already moved into the middle of the lane after seeing the 2 cars in front not stop to let her cross. The car behind me then also decided it wasn't going to stop, despite the fact there was stationary traffic about 3 seconds further on. The car nearly hit me as it went by - fortunately the woman crossing was fine. I rode up to the car which had it's passenger window slightly open. I shouted "why didn't you stop at the zebra crossing ?" she replied "don't shout, I've got a baby in the back". I replied "what about the baby you could have run over back there" to which she gave me the 'Citizen Smith' comment.

I still see cars ignoring pedestrians every day on that same crossing. Scumbags....

I narrowly missed a car that pulled out in front of me at a junction, I let him know that he nearly wiped me out, his reply; what the **** was you doing in the middle
Of the road!
My reply; I wasn't but had no choice to avoid you!!!
Dick head

"I can see your bum". I replied with "yep' it's a cracker isn't it?" It wasn't until I got home I checked to see how worn my lycra was and realised she could actually see my bum 😳

"I can see your bum". I replied with "yep' it's a cracker isn't it?" It wasn't until I got home I checked to see how worn my lycra was and realised she could actually see my bum

Actual LOL.

Did the perv squad catch you?

Riding up a steep hill:

Van driver: Use the ****ing cycle path you c**t

Van then passes me leaving virtual no room, turns left and stops at the top of the hill

Me (at top of hill): I would use the cycle path but it's not built yet
Me: Are you taking the piss? You're f*ing building the path aren;t you? You t**t
Van driver: OK yes sorry mate just habit

You couldn't make it up...

Not a driver, but a pedestrian.

I was using a bit of "cheeky" pavement to join up a fragmented cycle route without having to ride on the dual carriageway. (Naughty but it is a short stretch alongside a wasteland area to an industrial estate and never usually has any pedestrians on it. In a sane world it would be cycle path so it seemed fair game 😉 )

Anyways on this particular sunny morning I saw there was an elderly lady on it coming the other way. So I stopped the bike, got off and stood at the side to wait for her to toddle past.

As the sweet old nan drew level with me I cheerily said [i]"Morning"[/i], she looked me straight in the eye and growled [i]"**** off"[/i] with enough feeling to make a sailor blush, then briefly smiled at my confused expression and toddled on her way.

Her - "Sorry, I didn't see you"

Me - "No, you didn't look!"

This was as she'd wound down her window to talk to me. The front wheel of my motorcycle was embedded into her drivers door..., and I'd been watching her, which was the reason why we didn't have a 'proper' accident.

I still see cars ignoring pedestrians every day on that same crossing. Scumbags....

yeah right I'm going to walk out infront of traffic which will then magically stop instantly.
Arseholes and their apologists who trot out that ^^ line too.
(i've had cars go round me when I've stopped aswell - for a long line of school kids in hi viz on one occasion too)

Nearly got creamed by some bloke who pulled out in front of me from a side street. When I pulled up along side at the lights he wound down his window and we had the following exchange

Him : "Its alright mate, I saw you."
Me : "Then why did you pull out on me?"
Him : "**** off."

Out on a ride with 8-12 people, set off from some lights going straight ahead into a bus lane (This is a left only lane for cars at the lights so we aren't holding anything up). Driver honks his horn for a prolonged period of time as he comes past us. One member of the group has a word at the next set of lights. Then because of traffic and lights we end up leap frogging this car for a while. He starts hurling abuse out of his passenger window, right across the face of his very embarrassed looking girlfriend. The best was 'You're all f***ing peasants! Get a car', and, directly at me about one of the more vocal members of our group 'You need to tell your mate to lay off the fizzy pop', before calling me a peasant one final time and driving off.

A hugely entertaining thread - good job everyone 🙂

A couple of interaction stories from me

Used to drop off daughter at nursery in a Burely trailer. Parked up collecting daughter to come out and see car reversing into (empty) trailer. Once she had realised what she'd hit, and I suggested what might the outcome have been had said child been in trailer, she was so mortified I imagine she had to hit the bottle that night!

Similarly - driver pulled out on me at a notorious junction. Again very upset driver when she finally "saw" me.

Most people are actually pretty good and don't want to flatten a cyclist/other human being.

I do occassionally get shouted at by a woman (with a small white dog - usually seen just south of Whitebushes near Redhill on Green Lane/NCN21). I'm sharing the specifics in case anyone else has been on the receiving end. She is insistent that "IT IS A BRIDLEWAY! AND NOT FOR BIKES!" despite it being fully signed as part of NCN21. I have an ongoing charm offensive with her - she seems to have a massive issue with bikes which will take some work to change...

TM

"Cool bike!"

I got left hooked at a roundabout a couple of months ago (car overtaking and turning left, me going straight on after taking primary position in the correct lane). Luckily I managed to stay upright by turning left as well and gave the passenger window a smack with my hand, loud enough to make the passenger jump out of her skin.

Caught up with him a few metres later at some traffic lights and motioned for him to wind down his window.

Me: You almost killed me!
Driver: But I was in front of you!
Me: How did I manage to knock on your passenger's window then?
Driver: But I was in front of you!!
Passenger: He's really sorry, it won't happen again...

I suspect there were a few choice words between the husband and wife on the way home...

Most people are actually pretty good and don't want to flatten a cyclist/other human being.

The cynic in me says it's more that they don't want to have to fill in lots of paperwork after an incident rather than actually caring about you.

I had two guys leaning out of the windows screaming encouragement at me as I was trying to catch a roadie.

Oh and I was plodding my way up the hill back home with daughter on the tagalong a few weeks ago. Got to the top and cars were filtering past. I could hear a bunch of verbal coming from one of the cars and expected the worse as the car passed me. Here we go - Expecting to hear " you held me up, why are you on the road blah blah".

What I actually got was a woman leaning almost out of her window yelling encouragement and praise. "Excellent effort! Keep going!"

you never know do you?

TM

"You know what's wrong with you cyclists, you all think you need so much ****ing room..."

😯

A woman overtook me about 20 yards before a mini roundabout and then swung left without indicating. I had already started to slow as I figured what she was about to do, but still had to slam my brakes on to avoid stoving the side of her car in. I gave her the "coffee bean shake" hand gesture to which she stopped, leaned out the car and called me a "disgusting horrible little man", because I shook my hand at her.
She then reversed at me and got within a couple of feet before popping her head back out of the car and exclaiming it was a shame she hadn't run me over and reinforcing her opinion that I was a "disgusting horrible little man".

I tried to inform her that she'd almost run me over & could have killed me, but she seemed to think that the "coffee bean shake" hand gesture was the more heinous crime of the two.
I ended up screaming at her that she needed some driving lessons and possibly a pair of glasses before she decided to drive off....

D0NK - Member

Seems a lot of drivers won't even entertain the idea of being critiqued by a cyclist.

It's not just when cyclists do the critiquing.
Most drivers are never wrong. Even if you've just had to take evasive action to avoid hitting them in your car because they've just pulled across without looking or not stopped at a roundabout or veered into your lane because they're on their phone.....if you toot or make any gesticulation that they may have been in the wrong you inevitably get a torrent of expletives back, rather than any kind of 'sorry, mate' type gesture.

The cynic in me says it's more that they don't want to have to fill in lots of paperwork after an incident rather than actually caring about you.

More than that - it's a self preservation thing innit, people don't want the hassle that goes with killing someone! Most people don't want to go to court, jail etc.

Most surprising thing I had was a bus which squeezed me off the road onto the grass verge (no harm done). It pulled over at a bus stop a few hundred yards on, so I hopped onto the kerb, rode up to the doors and shouted "are you trying to ****ing kill me!?". The driver sheepishly raised a hand and said "yes, really sorry about that, completely misjudged it". I didn't really have anything to say to that.

Generally don't make a habit of even engaging with drivers, as per the punishment pass thread it just gets you wound up.

Driver passed very close between a pedestrian island, so I let out a few expletives, his window was down so we had a bit of an exchange as I explained what he'd done which he denied. A few more expletives along the way from me. Driver told me to stop and he was going to "arrest me".
We yoyo'd in traffic with traffic lights for some time him keeping a close eye on me and hanging back threateningly and repeatedly shouting about arresting me which I just ignored, thankfully he turned off before me.
I reported him to the police who did visit and questioned him about his threat to arrest me which he denied!
No further action but fingers crossed the visit made him think about his driving and pretending to be a police officer.

The driver sheepishly raised a hand and said "yes, really sorry about that, completely misjudged it".

"Thankfully" it's only happened to me twice, every other nobber has been convinced it wasn't their fault so I could have a reet good rant at them 🙂

Most surprising thing I had was a bus which squeezed me off the road onto the grass verge (no harm done). It pulled over at a bus stop a few hundred yards on, so I hopped onto the kerb, rode up to the doors and shouted "[b]are you trying to **** kill me[/b]!?". The driver sheepishly raised a hand and said "[b]yes[/b], really sorry about that, [b]completely misjudged[/b] it". I didn't really have anything to say to that.

😯

does that mean he [i][b]was [/b][/i]trying to kill you and you only survived becasue he misjudged it?!

It's worse than I thought, they're not just idiots, they're actively out to get us!

on the return commute 3weeks ago, pulled off towpath and onto lane that goes up hill for approx 3/4 mile..
Approx 3/4 way up the hill I'm riding at good tempo & a ford with blacked windows pulls up on my shoulder (it's a lane where 2cars can pass with care they're are banks either side with trees & I'm tight to the nearside (with loads of room to get passed even for a 7.5tonner).
The driver who I can't see stays with rear of vehicle v.close at 1 o'clock to my front wheel and revs in low gear, gradually pulls away to the top of the hill -it's a quiet crossroads there, this vehicle then stops with it's hazzards on. I approach cautiously, signal left & track stand for 5seconds or so and pull left to go passed. Immediately this car pulls in to prevent the turn and drives off - I think nothing of it as probably lost.(?)
On the left turn there is another slight rise in the next lane and approx 200metres the car is stopped in the middle of the road just before a tight 90 degree blind bend. Again I approach with caution & stop,wait for it to drive off around the corner thinking that they'd drive away. Couple of minutes later I'm around the bend and this car is there travelling v.slowly in the middle of the road, there's 2 farms on the left and a chap in a L/R disco coming the other way with the window down, I signal to the driver to stop who does and I simply say that the ford driver is driving eratically (with an account) who the disco driver says I'll be back in a mo & that I maybe should call the police.
I'm thinking I need to get home and can't be doing with being held up - the lane goes down hill for 250metres and has a track run off at the bottom that runs parallel to the rest of the lane used by horses. Riding behind the ford about 2 bikes lengths behind I decide to overtake at the top of the hill and head up the track.. There is sufficient space to get passed so I indicate and make may move out, draw level with the drivers door - the vehicle speeds up! (surprise,surprise).. there's a bank with a gradual rise for evasive action on the right. I keep my toe down and the driver turns into me (!!!) at approx 30mph hitting the fork with the osf wing(!!!). I maintain control & travel along the rough bank at about a 20degree angle down to the bottom of the hill and drop in behind the car and accelerate up the track to the right which is uphill. The car carries on & I'm thinking it'll be waiting at the top so stay put as the track will probably be cut off by this driver knowing that the disco driver will return. (not want a confrontation - don't know who I'm dealing with)
Couple of minutes later the disco driver re-appears and stops, I say would mind driving with me to the top of the lane, said ok no problem. Get to the top & sure enough the car is stopped blocking the lane/track.. An old gent in his 80's stooped over with a stick is ranting at me expletives about .... cyclist riding too fast,shouldn't be on the road blah,blah
The disco driver said I should defo report this driver to the police and send the camera footage (unfortunately not switched on 🙁 ) .. I said no point but would it be ok if they drove with me for the next couple of miles, yes ok & did.
I've seen the Ford & driver since, they live at the bottom of the long hill. Keeping vigilant - will defo report to the police if further harassment. Try to keep the camera on aswell on most roads :-).

Not a driver but another cyclist. Whilst waiting at a set of lights in Central Bristol, another rider pulls up and asks why I've got one trouser leg rolled up? I reply that it's to stop my trousers getting caught in the chain and getting dirty. His response "ah, I thought it was a Jamaican thing." I'm as pale as fresh snow.

My favourite driver one was a guy who beeped incessantly and tried to overtake me on the wrong side of the road, blind corner on a major arterial route in rush hour before cutting back in on me. His response when I had a word with him "I was trying to keep you safe", said while gripping his steering wheel lock ready to swing at me.

Riding 200m of cheeky track out of the local woods to a road.

Woman in 4x4 stops and shouts through the window...

"Did you know that land is private?"

Me - "Yes"

"Well why did you ride it?"

"Beacuse I ride where I damn well please without thought for anyone except myself"

"Well its not allowed"

"Better call the police then"

"Right then I will"

"Go on then, start dialling"

Pause ..... "you wouldn't like it if I rode in your garden"

"I live in a flat" (a lie, but it suited the occasion)

I then looked at the terrified looking teenage girl in the passenger seat and said "is that your mother? You poor kid"

Cue lots of swearing and as it was Jan 1st, simply said "Happy New Year" as she started driving off"

Got the "**** off" not surprisingly.

I'm as pale as fresh snow.

My wife (5'9 / white / long blonde hair / female / GSOH) was bike commuting through Edinburgh once and someone shouted at her: [i]"Who the f do you think you are? Linford f'ing Christie?"[/i]

Down a hill, stop at lights at bottom, car draws alongside, window goes down, here we go,

"You hit 60 down there, nice one!"

I had a similar chat with a bloke at a railway junction who'd said he'd been surprised how fast I'd gone down the hill and that he'd only been able to overtake me when I'd slowed for the speed limit when we entered town. Quite why he didn't slow down for the speed limit he didn't want to say but given he was a middle aged bloke in a convertible merc with a ponytail and leather trousers, I'd imagine it's because society's rules don't apply to him, or at least the rules of good taste.

I was stopped at a roundabout, passenger in a car coming round the roundabout leans right out the window and shouts "Got Your Number 118"

I don't have a moustache and wasn't wearing a vest, but must admit it was pretty funny

I have had somebody roll down the window and yell "this is not the bloody tour de france you know"

It made me chuckle because it is quite clear from looking at me that I wont be taking part in the TDF any time soon, that and the fact that I was in Hampshire and not France 😉

you never know do you?

Friend of mine cycling through the town centre reacted angrily to a car that had been following him for a few hundred metres beeping at him. He was extremely embarassed when the passenger handed my friend his windproof, which had fallen out of his jersey pocket at the last traffic lights. 😆

A crufty looking car stopped at a junction waiting for some lights. The driver wound down the window and tossed out a cigarette butt.

Me: did you know you've dropped a cigarette butt?
Her: yeah, I've finished with it.
Me: that's littering, shall I give it back to you?
Her: No thanks (winds up window)

At this point the lights were still red but I was slightly amazed she hadn't run me down, but whatever, I picked up the butt, and dropped it into the gap in her car between the windscreen and the bonnet.

Queue a torrent of verbal abuse, mainly calling me a c**t a lot.
I cycled off, calling her a litter lout (the best insult I could come up with at the time).

My favourite was last summer, when I was stopped at the lights at Trafalgar Square. A BMW M something pulls up next to me and the large black guy driving winds down his window.

"Too many people in this city don't know how to relax, mate. I'm off home to sit in my garden and enjoy a nice cold beer, I hope you do the same."

I waved to him and gave him a huge thumbs up. He made my evening.

Car load of chavs overtakes me on a slight incline up to a roundabout. The rear passenger winds down his window and shouts a load of incomprehensible bollocks as they go past. 100 yards further on they have to stop for the line of traffic and I tootle up alongside and ask the passenger (spotty 17 yr old) what he'd said. The front seat passenger then says "Ha, ha, he said your front wheel's going round, ha, ha, ha!"
I looked him in the eye and said "I wasn't asking you you pointless fat ****, I was asking our hero in the back." to which they both very rapidly wound up their windows, desperately avoiding eye contact. 😀

I've had a few..
Lorry clipped my arm and then stopped at the traffic light a few yards up the road, I jumped up on his cab and his response was "I saw you in the layby". There was no layby, I was passing a junction!

Another good one when I caught an old fella who'd just left hooked me at the bottom of a long downhill road "I didn't realise you were going so fast".. Jeez!

Most surprising thing though is... "Sorry". That's a real shocker and very disarming.

[i]After I explained that what I'd done was quite legal and safe, he responded by shouting: "You wouldn't do that in your car though, would you?"

I was completely lost for words. I mean, he was right but...[/i]

The correct answer is of course, "You wouldn't have treated me like that if I'd been in my car"

I think someone has already said this but the most surprising thing anyone has ever said to me from a car when I've been on my bike is "Sorry".

Drivers like to go on about the self-righteousness of cyclists but there is something about driving a car that gives so many people such an over whelming right of entitlement that it threatens to make their arse explode.

Oh I'd forgotten about the fairly young lads in a car on the uphill section heading into Castlethorpe from Haverhsam who pulled alongside me as I'm grunting up the hill and shouted "F*** her right in the pussy".

'yer wheels are going round'
The correct response to this is 'so's your mum' however oxygen debt slows the wit.

Many years ago I was riding along the A20 in Bearsted - 30 limit, shops coming up on left.

Woman in a Volvo pulls out of minor road on right. I slam on the brakes and pull into the gutter to avoid being hit. She then turns hard left in front of me to park diagonally in front of the shops. I've got no where to go so execute an emergency stop by placing my foot in her passenger door.

When I get up and find that I'm not injured I ask her for her details. She ignores me and drives off.

Police called (I had a witness, old bloke at the bus stop). When the police interviewed her, her explanation for leaving the scene, failing to provide details etc was that she was scared. She was scared? Try having 2 tonnes of Volvo aimed at you twice in 30 seconds!

Police took no action as I was uninjured and my bike have no damage. Hopefully she enjoyed explaining to her neighbours why the police were parked outside her house for an hour.

The correct response to this is 'so's your mum'

If I get sworn at Ive given up on responding like for like or trying to be whitty and just go full on nuclear apeshit at their passenger window. Anything less and it feels like they 'win' when they close the window/drive off.

Car narrowly missed me as it overtook. I was heading into town so was able to follow him and catch up to him in the supermarket carpark

Me: How much room do you think you left me back there

Him: Well there wan't any room with that van coming the other way so had to squeeze past

Me: How about braking and waiting a second so there would be room-moron!

Him: Hmm guess you have a point

Sometimes you just wonder !!!

Similar to the above this woman overtook me just before a 90deg bend in the road. Overtook, braked and went round the bend at about half the speed I could have.. I caught her at the next junction and discussed the matter.

Her: What was I supposed to do?"
Me: "Well, you could have waited behind me until I'd cleared the bend"
Her: "So could you"!

Neither her nor her passenger could get it. I rode off shaking my head at a pointless attempt to converse with someone who had left logic behind the moment they stuck the keys in the ignition.

Irate driver: F** * * ing **** etc

Me: [Gesturing to passenger seat] Is that your wife/husband? No wonder you're angry.

In my experience it's never worth trying to explain to drivers what they've just done wrong, so I just try and be as offensive as possible in the short window I have before they drive off.

so I just try and be as offensive as possible in the short window I have before they drive off.

Proper LOL there, chapeau!

Some big 55 year old posh ex rugby type stalked over to me in a car park, fists clenched, red in the face, getting up in my face. Ended up with me doing my best drill sergeant impression in his ears to get him to back down and leave my personal space.

A big family parked up next to us as it was kicking off, the parents looked utterly mortified whilst their young lad was laughing his head off.

I was once told after being overtaken and then carved up that I should give way to cars approaching me from behind. I didn't really know how to respond to that with words, so I opted to put a nice cleat mark on his rear wing.

Me: How much room do you think you left me back there

Him: Well there wan't any room with that van coming the other way so had to squeeze past

Me: How about braking and waiting a second so there would be room-moron!

Him: Hmm guess you have a point

Same; taking primary position coming up to a crossing island, I get the full on lights and horn from behind. The van then overtakes and pulls in front and stops.

Him: If you'd kept tight left I could have squeezed through there.

Me: I don't want you to squeeze past in 2 tonnes of metal at 40 mph

Him: I'll run into the back of you next time then.

Genuinely cannot argue with idiots, they drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.

On a dark, very wet training ride someone pulled out on me, they stopped, then speed off. I met them a little later at a set of traffic lights. They wound the passenger window down, a waft of class B(?) caught my nose and the guy couldn't stop apologising. Offered me a ride home because it was dark and wet and drivers can't be trusted :))

An guy gave me the 5 knuckle shuffle signal to which I replied it was a nice offer but I wasn't that way inclined. he thought about what I said then burst out laughing which was a relief as he looked as mean as eff.

Had a telling off about riding two abreast by a police officer, he wouldn't listen to us at all. Even threatened to give me points on my driving licence if I didn't shut up - is that possible?

Bit of (polite) verbals with a woman who had pulled out on me at a mini roundabout. She had her youngish daughter in the passenger seat. No swearing but she couldn't see she could have caused an accident, I was "riding too fast", and "cyclists don't have right of way" etc. I turned to her daughter and asked if her grandma was always this dull witted. Her face was a picture and her language soon changed to quite blue.

I like to think that drivers who've been educated by cyclists after an incursion might make better decisions and be more observant in the future. At least some of them.

Jamaican mini-cab driver in Hackney, after me protesting about nearly being run over by him on a zebra crossing
[i]I'm going to go home and get my gun and come back and shoot you dead[/i]
Er, OK, I'll just wait here shall I? Try not to be too long.

[i]"you were in the way"[/i]

not riding but as a lower than lower ped' waiting to cross a busy road - stood in front of a parked car - the driver walked up and got in the car, started it and rolled forward to "nudge me" just below the knee

I had a "lady driver" attempt to hook my over the kerb a couple of years ago when I was cycling into work. When I caught up with her at the next set of traffic lights I asked her why she'd done that. Apparently it was because I wasn't cycling in the cycle lane. there isn't one. apparently the two yellow lines next to the kerb are what cyclists are supposed to use...
When I told her that I was videoing it and she'd be able to see herself on YouTube shoe went absolutely mental about her human rights, it was quite funny, in a sort of sad kind of way.

so I just try and be as offensive as possible in the short window I have before they drive off.

Yep some times its the only recourse

My commute to work has a street with traffic calming chicanes - one direction of traffic at a time but with no prescribed priority.

The street is short climb and I'm travelling uphill on my way to work.

Nice drivers let me through at the chicane even if they reach it slightly before me. Less considerate drivers don't bother. This is not really a big deal as the curbs that make up the chicane are pretty low so i just ride over them.

This however caused some consternation for a "bubbly" woman in a Ford Focus she mouthed "**** off" and shook her head as I nipped over the chicane.

So I shouted "Stop shaking your head at me your double chin is wobbling"

The shade of crimson she turned as I pedalled away really was something!

I got cut up last night, classic case of impatient driver wanting to pass but Parkes cars make it impossible, first chance he gets he's past & meets traffic coming the other way swinging over forcing me onto the pavement. I was about to have a discussion via his passenger window then noticed the frail old lady passenger looking terrified at me. I decided it wasn't worth upsetting her more and just shook my head & left him to reverse to clear the road. Hopefully it was his mum & she gave him an ear bashing

Lorry driver after pulling in to soon during an overtake. "i had to pull in, the bollard was in the way".

Me, "so the bollard out ranks me in your list of priorities?"

Him...silence.

Had "least i have a license" to which I replied, least mine didn't come from a cereal box!

But normally people over take just before a parked car and then cut you up, so then up on the path and down again and they have to do it all over again.

Had someone cut me up after we had a exchange of words about not using the cycle lane/path with me being on the road. Called them a c*ck to which they then cut me up, got to work (working for the Police at the time) who I told traffic about what had happened and the car etc and they said they would keep an eye out.

Me: Turning into a one way street.
Me to woman in car: Your driving the wrong way, its a one way street
Her: I know
Me: Oh well that's alright then.... rode off shaking my head.

I got taken out at a roundabout by a lady who didn't see me going round it.
She did stop further on, so we exchanged hellos. I asked her for her details, insurance co & so on so I could report and claim.

Her "Sorry, I don't give out details to strangers'
Me: "So you only knock people you know off their bike?"
Her "Don't get cheeky"

was able to laugh about it once the scars healed...

sorry? said to me? like chatted? like meaningful words?

no, I dont understand the question.. I've seen lots of nice hand signals and a fair few have decided to introduce me to the metal on their cars, a few have even tried to shake my hand with a fist but words? nah, none, lots of noise but honestly dont recall any banter, must be doing something wrong.

After pulling out from a junction in front of me a no necked thug stopped and threatened

"I'll take that fu@$ing bike off you"

stating

"this is a fu@$ing car road this is!"

Needless to say I still have the bike.

Warm morning a nice lady in the passenger seat of a car decided to spray her breakfast McDonalds coke over me as they went past. Sadly mistiming the lights when i caught them up I emptied a completely full, completely sticky as all buggery bottle of sports drink all over her in the open window. Those wide mouth lids are really excellent when you take them off.
She didn't seem all that happy about it but by goodness it made my day.

On politely pointing out some chap was a little too close for comfort... "Well I didnt hit you did I!"

His mirror actually went under my arm ffs.

I'm not sorry to admit that I lost my sh1t.

Years ago as a yoof on my last couple of miles of a sub hour 25, I got overtaken by a driver who then immediately braked and pulled into the kerb/ shops. Inevitably, I ended up in his back window and then on the floor. Broken nose, broken collarbone plus snot and blood.

He picked my bike up as I rolled around and said; 'this is a nice bike isn't it, do you do a lot of cycling?'...

Bastard wasn't taxed, insured or MOT'd luckily I worked for the DoT in enforcement at the time and was able to follow that up....

"Oi! Priority to the right, mate" on a mini roundabout, as the twunt in a white van cut across me from the left, after I had started to proceed (in a car).

My reply was something like "You need to learn your left and right then... Left hand is the one you change gears with, right is the one you have a wnak with!".