If you’re new to the world of mountain bikes, you might find it an unfathomable world of tech jargon, incompatible standards, and marketing babble. To cut through it all, you might go in search of advice, from other humans that ride bikes. Maybe you find your way to the Singletrack World Forum. Here, surely, you will be able to ask a sensible question like ‘Hello, I’m new here, maybe you can help me. I’ve got £1500 to spend on a bike, what should I get for riding around blue trails, maybe some reds when I get better?’. Yes, you will probably get some answers. But you will likely also get cryptic responses. What follows isn’t so much a glossary, as a bingo card. Welcome to the Singletrack World Forum, in all its wonderful weirdness.
Advice. Often sought, sometimes received, always conflicting.
B is for Bees. To be carried ceremonially on a Laura Ashley cushion. And Big Hitters.
Cats. Best not mentioned.
Dogs. Also divisive.
Exclamation marks. Reserved for politicians.
Frozen sausages. To be applied to lawns.
Gnarpoon. To be ridden on your local greenway or towpath.
Help. Given when needed. And Hamsters, that power STW.
Is for iPad. Drac has a magic one.
Joe Cocker. Recently deceased? Or Jamie – always missed.
Killing a tree. Surprisingly difficult and popular.
L is for lawn. To be critiqued brutally, except in May. Or Louise – to be avoided.
M is for Mods. Do not anger them. Also McMoonter, Lord of the Vices. And magazine – there is one?
N is for Noob. Welcomed with open arms if you can make head or tail of what’s going on.
Owned with Bombers. The ultimate weapon.
Picolax. Because proper preparation is important.
Qualifications. Not required when giving professional advice. IANAL.
R is for robins. Not to be harmed while young.
Sudocrem. Not to be applied to cats.
Tractor Trumps, Glos Rules. And what Tyres for…?
Unicorns. To be ringfenced at all costs.
V is for van. Not just VWs, Berlingos count too.
W: WWSD What Would Singletrackworld Do? Possibly Wee in their shoes. Maybe buy a Woodburner, or a Watch.
X is for swear filter deployed.
YMMV. Each to their own.
Z is for Zoe – the mysterious helper of subscribers everywhere.
In true Forum style, feel free to disagree, or point out our oversights.
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