16 Beards Of Endurance: Glentress 7 Edition

by Kane Allen 3


So you’ve seen Singletrack’s 16 Beards of Enduro, right? Well, here is the second instalment of our ‘”16 Beards” series from the Glentress 7 race. Join us on our mission to find the very best facial hair that cycling has to offer.

Finely balanced with perfect shape symmetry, although he’s not on a bike, in fact he’s probably watering up for a long trek into Mordor. Gimli, is that you? Singletrack rating – 7/10
A steely-eyed face of Viking determination. Efforts matched by excellent pre-race, precise grooming. Singletrack rating – 7/10
Erm, Singletrack rating - 5/10
The beard itself is slightly lacking, nice edge-cultivation mind but for “crumb-to-hair-sticking-prevention”, this one’s a winner …
… despite his satisfaction being met by the taste test, for this man, we’re not judging “crumb-to-hair-sticking-prevention”. Singletrack rating – 4/10
Now, look closely at the fine tuning along the top lip. This fella knows his way around a 30cm ruler, A half-cut, straight edge! and no, it’s not a punk-rock-dance move. That really is really commendable. Otherwise, ‘Must … stop looking … at the sunnies’ Nope, can’t do it. Singletrack rating – 7/10
The sharp fade. The full beard. The Robocop eye protector. It all works so well. Singletrack rating - 9/10
The ‘sharp fade’. The full beard. Robocop eye protection. Beautiful skull weight distribution from beard tip to soft head flat top. He’s literally begging for us to “Kiss his Face!” and we want to. Singletrack rating – 9/10
Tormund rides to be of aid to Jon Snow (the Game of Thrones guy, not the Channel 4 presenter – although he’s a cyclist, so fair dues Snowy). The half open mouth has probably caught one too many flies… but with a beard that full, they may well have bedded-in and started a bloody nest. Singletrack rating – 8/10
This beard is not kidding anyone, babyface. Only joking. A decent, straggly effort, let down slightly by the high, helmet-wonk darrrling! Come on, this IS a fashion show! Singletrack rating – 6/10
Perfectly rounded, full-facial-bonce with a nicely weighted smooth, rear, bald hairline. He probably shaved his hair with the helmet strapped on! Commitment, we like that. A side-view of what a beard should look like. Lead the way you glorious bear. Singletrack rating – 9/10
It's not grey, it's silver. Ride away old fox. Singletrack rating - 8/10
There’s something so sharp about a two tone grey affair. Like little shards of metal picked with a from the foot of a welder’s boot. Scratch that! It’s not grey, it’s SILVER. Ride fast, oh Silver Fox. Singletrack rating – 8/10
An OK effort son but clearly not enough stroking and cultivation involved here. Look at those stray hairs ready to leave a rash as red as Mars on the skin of his intended. Singletrack rating – 4/10
Wild and muddied. Urgent and aggressive. Bear Grylls’ long lost brother? maybe not, but still, this is a man who knows how to hunt and … how to kill. Singletrack rating – 6/10
An attempt to grow or did he just get out of bed too late? Someone get this man a razor. Singletrack rating - 3/10
Full Lycra race gear, gloves, waxed legs and roadies helmet. Mate, if you’re going full ‘Race Face’ what’s that beard attempt on your cheeks? Get this man a razor and march him to the team bus for the blood transfusion, Now! Singletrack rating – 3/10
Another silver surfer spotted. Nicely blending the full clothing, helmet, glasses and beard ‘colour fusion’. He clearly knows fashion and we ain’t talking high-street. Singletrack rating – 6/10
beards, boots
A beard so dark it blends perfectly with the black t-shirt. BUT, hang on … what’s this! Lycra shorts over old running leggings! No, no NO! Flats or clips? errrrm, hows about 2kgs worth walking boots! NUTTER! Singletrack rating – 6/10
Tightly curled like a new born puppy and full of luscious colour. Might we suggest it’ll look more in place towards the ‘lower end’ of the body, although go-on … you tell him!
Ahh, he's friendly. Singletrack rating 10/10
Ah, he’s a friendly sort. We don’t want to curtail that smile. Singletrack rating 9/10
Bold, confident colour contrast offset by the lime green helmet glare. It’s the sheer fulsomeness that brings it over the line. He’s used a toilet seat to achieve that perfect soft edged template shape. An obvious winner! For the sake of clarity, 10/10.

Singletrack’s 16 Beards of Enduro is right here.

Comments (3)

  1. ‘Full Lycra race gear, gloves, waxed legs and roadies helmet. Mate, if you’re going full ‘Race Face’ what’s that beard attempt on your cheeks? Get this man a razor and march him to the team bus for the blood transfusion’

    Given that he won the event…. 🙂

  2. Bear Gryll’s half-Hindu deity half-brother… I’m much more impressed with his extra arm than his beard!

  3. 2nd pic – “Viking”? Nah, long lost offspring of Richard Stilgoe 🙂

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