Some Sunny Fresh Goods Doggerel, Just For You
I cannot tell you what to think
of stories such as this. A blatant exercise
In cynicism? Brinkmanship?
Solipsistic indulgence, perhaps
Simply borne of hubris?
But there is a throng; a happy few
who, simply put, enjoy the view
So to those I say Awake!
From torpid slumber rouse
Your tired limbs, and browse awhile.
There’s little here that’s grim, and
should your finger make an errant slip, a snick
the smallest click, which takes you without,
A simple button press will redress the woe
And lead you safely back to our cocooning breast.
It’s Fresh Goods Friday!
Singular Swift
Price: £399.20
From: Singular
The Swift! A stalwart of the 29er surge, it’s moved with the times, so the erstwhile rigid XC 29er is now also a fully paid-up member of the 27.5+ brigade, with a time share on 29+ too.
Swift-tacular headbadge. It’s a straight steerer, which will accommodate forks with between 80 and 100mm of travel should you so choose.
It’s available as a frame only, so Sam kindly built ours up with an eclectic build of semi-chi. We’ve got XT brakes…
Hope chainset, 1x, natch, although…
…eschewing any 11 speed fripperies with a solid, no nonsense 10 speed cassette (I haven’t counted, but I think it’s a 34 tooth big sprocket). No Boost here, neither. The chain is dragged about with a previous model XTR rear mech. I actually think that these are prettier than the newer ones (ssssh, don’t tell anyone).
Whisky carbon seatpost. 
27.5 x 3.0 tyres for maximum brappage. Apparently the fork will take 29×3.00 tyre, and front and rear can take 27.5×3.25 – which would be enormous.
Here’s an ‘arty’ shot. Just because the sun was out. RUINED by a heretofore unseen bloke in a burgundy top. Gah!
Alpamayo Designs Front Harness
Price: £60
From: Alpamayo Designs
Not a groin protector with a suspiciously large number of straps, no. This attaches to your handlebars, and lets you attach your drysack or whatevs to them in comfort, safety and, frankly, elan. Alpamayo stuff is hand made in the Peruvian Andes by Peruvians (with their ‘andies? No? Pfft.)
Alpamayo Designs Partial Frame Bag
Price: £55
From: Alpamayo Designs
A bag to partially fit your frame, rather than a bag to fit partial frames, whatever they may be. There 3 sizes available, so there’s everything to fit your overweight hamster all the way up to to your oscillating ocelot.
Alpamayo Designs Top Tube Bag
Price: £29
From: Alpamayo Designs
A bag to attach to your top tube. Just the right shape for an unusually-shaped cone baguette*.
*Comedy Gold**
**Anagram of ‘My Coded Log’. #trufax
Alpamayo Designs Front Accessory Bag
Price: £50
From: Alpamayo Designs
This one sits in front of your elegantly rammed drysack (fnar) and is beautifully sized to put the accessories of your choice in.
Alpamayo Designs Stem Bag
Price: £25
From: Alpamayo Designs
This one (you’ve guessed, right?) WRONG! It goes on the stem. And bars and fork crown. Green lining to help you see what you’ve put in it – or if you work in the special effects industry you could film it and make it seem like it contains THE UNIVERSE.
Bontrager Rhythm Gloves
Price: £24.99
From: Trek
Light, untrammelled by padding, and rather more yellow than this photo suggests.
Bontrager Classique Full Fingered Gloves
Price: £59.99
From: Trek
And in marked contrast, these ‘fifties style leather driving gloves have ALL TEH PADDING. And they’re made of Pittards leather too – so you can scralp the gnar in your roll-neck jumper and keep your hands elegant and safe until you get to the coffee-stop, where you can twiddle your Terry Thomas moustache with impunity. Or strong tea, if you prefer*.
*oh, my aching sides
Bontrager SE5 Tyres
Price: £44.99
From: Trek
Braap-tacular rubber from the man who is perpetually angry with Bonts. 990g per tyre too.
Bontrager Rovv Women’s Shoes
Price: £129.99
From: Trek
BOA closure, mesh, stiffness and a commendably minimal application of exterior pink.
Bontrager XXX Race Shoes
Price: £259.99
From: Trek
Once upon a time, Bontrager had a shoe with a stiffness of 10 our of 10. Then another company came out with one with a stiffness of 11 out of 10. So Bontrager replied with a hugely stiff 13 out of 10. And now comes theawe inspiring XXX shoe, with a MASSIVE 14 OUT OF 10 STIFFNESS. Weep, people.
Actually, Trek’s very lovely (and surprisingly loving) Jez left these behind in a caffeine-stupor yesterday, so we’re going to give them away to one lucky reader before he can turn the steering wheel round and fetch them back – provided you’re a size 42 that is. Keep your eyes on the front page for more details later today!
Bontrager Lithos Shorts
Price: £109.99
From: Trek
We’d like to say these are in memory of Prince, but they’re baggy, so he’d probably be able to go camping in them. Lots of cool touches, a decent-looking liner, and Chipps models with Maximum Clash for Maximum Urgh.
661 Recon kneepads
Price: £47.99
From: Hotlines
Flexible, light kneepads for all-day wearing from 661. Mesh back, flexy sort of rheopectic gel pad, good for trail and all-mountain (it says here). and making it look as if you have computer generated knees.
Maxxis Minion SS FLD 27.5×2.3 EXO/TR Tyres
Price: £44.99
From: Extra
Some substantial warp factor semi-slick VROOM from the central treads, with some relatively whopping-looking side knobbles for some proper leaned over cornering, hopefully.
iSSi II and Trail pedals
Price: £49.99 and £59.99 respectively
From: 2Pure
Seriously brightly-hued and SPD compatible pedals from iSSi; the II is more XC, and the Trail is more – er – trail. There’ll definitely be one to match/clash with your bike/shoe/curtains, you mark my words.
Rideguard PF1 Mudguard
Price: £8.99
From: RideGuard
Flexy underbrace mudguard – you know the sort of thing. Comes with sagsetter (basically a small ruler) too!
Bikepacking on the Wild Trails Of Britain book and Intelligencer ‘zine.
Price: £16.99 and free
From: Bookstores everywhere, and Ison distribution respectively
A glorious guide to backpacking in our glorious Grape Written (say it out loud), and a sort of editorial catalogue thingy all about Surlys. Coo.
And that, my sweet, sweet friends, is shallot. All that remains is to point you towards something musical, and then I shall saunter provocatively towards the metaphorical door. So have a great weekend, and we’ll pick this up again next week, yeah? This one is an utter, utter corker. Grab your headphones.
ST out
Comments (26)
Comments Closed
Here’s an ‘arty’ shot. Just because the sun was out. RUINED by a heretofore unseen bloke in a burgundy top. Gah!
A ghost?
Somebody once told me that “Bontrager” can be translated from Welsh as something like “Bridge Destroyer”. This guy was Welsh, but MAY have been bullshitting me…
Well considering the word for bridge in Welsh is “pont”… I suspect it may not be.
Mutations aside.
and destroy is “dinistrio” according to Google.
Music sounds like the crap playing in the background of the game my kids play – Minecraft!
Pont Dinistrio? Sounds like a henchman from a Bond movie.
Anyroadup… Can those knee pads be washed or do they end up smelling a bit rank and making your legs itch?
We now need to find rhayters friend and educate him.
…or dinistrio him, perhaps.
What is the Welsh for “patio”?
Never played Minecraft, but if the soundtrack sounds like Mogwai, count me in 🙂
Kneepads – not sure – I’ll despatch a minion to assess. I’d be surprised if you couldn’t. But (don’t tell anyone) I’ve washed every pair of kneepads I’ve owned regardless of whether it tells you to or not and they’ve been fine. Oh, the branding sometimes comes off. 😉
… but according to the internets bont also means bridge in Welsh
those shorts…that colour…the horror…
That is not Helicon 1. Mogfail.
I’ll despatch a minion
😯
A bit harsh.
other mogwai tracks are available… 🙂
Another crackin’ tune Barney!
Do you do requests?
I find myself really liking those flouro yellow disco slipper. I may have to take myself away and have a quiet word……..
Zelak999 depends on what the tune is 🙂
“Hand wash only” it says, Harry_the_spider. Make of that what you will…
Manton – what size are you? Keep an eye on the front page 😉
Bon trager = good walker- when his kit fails etc etc, he has to walk!
Nice one Barney- your writing way out front of the peleton again
You’re writing way out front of the Peleton ….. even. Praise is better in correct English!
…if you should be looking for a long term tester to investigate the practicalities of hand washing and the consequences of machine washing.
Just sayin’ like.
damn and blast! 20p short of a new Singular frame!
Blimey all these comments and it has to be me as the soulless pedant pointing out the caption says ‘salsa’ while the brochure says ‘surly’.
Oh, and I think you’re all barking up the wrong tree. I’m sure Prof Keith said he had German relatives in an ST or Privateer article of old.
Schralp….and who checks the (teh) text before submission, if it’s a minion then you need a new/modified/ISCG/29er or 650b upgrade…..
Didn’t you review the Swift not so long ago?