Well now. How the blinking flip did that happen? You close your eyes for ten minutes, and open them again and it’s 2015! I feel like I’ve been sleepwalking through the last 15 years. And now I’m married, with two kids, and I live Up North? An hour ago I was single and trying to snog that girl from finance (Nah – didn’t work out). And just look in the mirror – that 20-something that my brain still tells me I am is looking out from a face rather more careworn than I’d hope. Ah well.
It’s a face that has a certain battered charm, though, the old dog. Sort of like if a large hairy balloon had been crossed with one of those 3d plastic map of somewhere really hilly.
*blows self a kiss*
Never mind – let’s take our minds off the issue with a squint at the latest and greatest gear that’s come into the office!
Yum. This is a very tidy looking beastie indeed. 140 or 150mm of travel, a 66 degree head angle, and some long front end numbers, lots of standover and a colourscheme that makes lollipop men look at bit drab.
…a bunch of Shimano spinny stuff at the back end, which allow your pumping meat pistons (steady now) to thrust the bucking machine to ever more astonishing heights (I said STEADY NOW). Carbon wheels too. Ooooh.
Here’s where the magic happens. A Monarch Plus RC3 Debonair shock keeps the back wheel firmly planted in the dirt furrow you leave in your wake, and keeps the burn on the churn. Or possibly the gurn on the urn. Tern? Oh, I don’t know.
The moody 3/4 shot. Helped by the imminent Inevitable Northern Precipitation, and thus Much Blackness on Sky, and Random Capitalisations Of Impending Disaster.
See? The Aeris. The only other Aeris I’ve ever heard of is the character in Popular Aged Video Game Final Fantasy VII. The first video game that gave me a wobbly lip, fact fans (and not because I was using it to press the fire button)…Herewith the full complement of XT handlebaradge.Ice rotors to help you eject your eyeballs on deceleration from the warp speed you’ll be inevitably attaining.And turny things come courtesy of those lovely people at RaceFace too.
Price: XT11s are from £2,370. This one (carbon bars, carbon wheels) costs a bit more – we think about £3,215.
Eleven Velo Premium Trail Shorts
In for an upcoming shorts grouptest, the Eleven Velo shorts are *very* swish looking. Lots of merino, flex panels, cordura where it’s needed and (get this) individually made. You get to say what colour the panels are, and what colour the thread it. You can also specify things like length (Barney got an extra inch sewn into his – ooer).
These ones are navy, with black stitching – doesn’t come up as well in photos, but this is a trial heavy weight thread and only comes in this colour. Certainly looks just the ticket. And as the weather is now totally foetid, now’s the time to be putting them through their paces.
Price: £105 plus shipping and import duty.
From: Eleven Velo
We’ve had a load of gear in from Morvelo, so here it is, modelled in a variety of Amusing Poses by the lovely Richard and the lovely Hannah.
Treads Thermoactive Jersey
Layered, warm, adaptable. And strangely, excellently reminiscent of a Christmas Jumper.
Joey Dri Release Technical T
Joey Ramone, perchance? Quick drying. I like this one. Pity I’m about as wide as two Richards. Or one Richard, sideways. In fact, that might be a new unit of measurement. Bike reviews are about to get a whole lot more confusing…
Forest Fresh MTB Long Sleeve Jersey
Fresh as a dew-covered daisy. Also available in chaps’.
Skids MTB Long Sleeve
Skid mark! *snigger* Also available for chaps.
Joey Mens bib shorts
Bib shorts. Nice looking pad. Little Ramones logo thing on the LH leg. And then we get Richard, being frankly disturbing.
Ladies’ Hemisphere Black Gilet
Hannah sees a possibly unopened sweet rapper, stage left. But even if it’s out in the windy rain, she’ll be fine scavenging in the carpark for the sweet, sweet sugar fix, ‘cos the gilet is windproof and water resistant.
Riding jersey with the Ramones thing on, to complete the set. Plus, you could properly stand out at your next punk gig! Rich looks disbelievingly at Hannah and The Sweet Wrapper.
Who you gonna call? Well, probably not the UCI, that’s for sure.
Forest Fresh T
Rich decides for reasons unknown to do the Funky Chicken with an air freshener in his mouth. Honestly I didn’t think his breath was all that bad. And even so, if he wants it to work he’ll need to unwrap it. And then chew it. (I speak from experience.)
Hemisphere Ronde Gilet
We couldn’t let this segment go without giving you a glimpse of Richard’s manflesh. And let me tell you what magnificent manflesh it is: capable of blinding oncoming traffic at dusk with headlight reflection in mere seconds. The gilet is much like the ladies one above, but orange.
Breaker Thermoactive Jersey
The only vaguely normal pic of Rich we could get in this jersey. His face changes so fast taking a decent picture is like trying to write a letter by punching the keyboard with your nose. Warm, wicking and green top, though.
All Morvelo stuff from – er – Morvelo
RockShox RS1 forks
Trying to be arty, here with the photography. in essence, the internets works better with landscape shots. And forks work better with portrait. Ah, well. This is a 27.5in flavour fork, all carbon whotsits, and spangly doodads, in a nice white colour. 120mm travel, and it’s fecund with awesome.
They’ll need a spangly special hub to maximise stiffness, sort of like the ones you can get on the…
SRAM Roam 60 wheels
More lighter than the arena at a Nickelback concert during The Inevitable Ballad, the light but strong carbon-rimmed Roam 60s have a Double Decker hub shell, which is not made of chocolate. Rather, it stacks straight pull hubs two by two to distribute the loads better (it says here).
Dry bags and towels (these are labelled ‘Personal’, which leads to the possibility of ‘Impersonal’ towels – or perhaps ‘Public’ towels.. erk) from the makers of thermarests, amongst other things.
From: Bookshops everywhere!
FINDRA Ms Mo Denim Classic Shorts
Price: around £90
LOMO Emergency Shelter
The Year. Book. (rather than the Year Book)
A book about reviving the Year record – which at present is still held by Tommy Godwin in a record set in 1939. He rode 75065 miles in one year.
That’s 75,065 MILES
PLUCK ME! (please do not attempt to avoid the swear filter). That’s 200+ miles a day, ON AVERAGE.
And on that somewhat sobering note, we’re going to take our leave and wish you a happy weekend. Be careful around fireworks, kids! Handle explosives respectfully, etc etc etc.