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Young children at funerals

60 posts & 39 voices | Started 11 months ago by mastiles_fanylion | Latest reply from molgrips

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mastiles_fanylion - Member

As you lot may/may not be aware, my mum died last week and the funeral is coming up.

I had just assumed my little girls (2 years old) would go as my mum loved them to bits and they were one of the things that kept her going when dad died (my wife was 3 months pregnant when that happened). It was never discussed but I am sure she would have said she wanted them there.

Anyway, my wife doesn't think they should go as it is a sad place to be and not one for children. I think they are young enough not to be affected by the experience and their presence might be a welcome distraction for family members (some of which haven't even met them yet).

Thoughts pls - I can't get my own head around thinking about stuff just yet.

Posted 11 months ago #
theflatboy - Member

if your instinct is that they should go, they should go. as you say, people would be glad to see them there.

Posted 11 months ago #
Drac - Moderator

A compromise not at the service but at the celebration of you Mother's life after. At 2 years old they can be quite effected, my eldest was 2 when my Wife's father died, she did notice the sadness even though we tried to show it in front of her. She wasn't at the service as thought wasn't appropriate.

Posted 11 months ago #
Munqe-chick - Member

I wouldn't take children as you will spend so much time concentrating on them. Having recently completed a family liaison course funerals are very individual personal experiences and asking other opinions will not help. I will not attend funerals can't stand them but doesn't mean that others shouldn't. I would have a sensible discussion with your wife about your feelings and come to the conclusion together. Good luck though as it is a hard decision to make.

Posted 11 months ago #
muppetWrangler - Member

Firstly, sorry for your loss.

Personally i would side with your wife. Funerals are no place for young children. The service in particular is a place where people will be lost in there own thoughts and remembrance and the potential noise of young children may well not be welcomed by everyone.

However, your idea of them being a welcome distraction sounds more valid at the wake.

So ideally I would have someone look after them during the preparation and the service and them bring them along to the wake.

Posted 11 months ago #
spooky_b329 - Member

For my Grandparents I think we were left with friends for the funeral but attended the get together/buffet lunch afterwards.

Posted 11 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

Why do you want to take them? Who will benefit? For whos sake?

If its to honour your mother then yes, if its for your sake then no. Other family members - Don't seem right to me.

I think they are too young for it to be of any great significance to them so from their point of view it does not matter.

Posted 11 months ago #
lodious - Member

Sorry to hear about your Mum MF. Personally, I think it would be OK, and it might left bring some happiness into the occasion, but my wife (like yours) has never been keen. Itmight bring more stress on you at a difficult time if the kids are there though?

Posted 11 months ago #
Markie - Member

My sympathies for your loss.

The below are only thoughts, obviously...

My daughter is two in a couple of weeks time. I wouldn't worry at all about her being negatively affected by attending a funeral, but would be concerned about her behaviour and attention span at it. I don't mean bad behaviour, just that after a little bit of sitting still I imagine she'd want to play, or walk around, or try to engage with others there who may be wanting to remember the deceased without her interruption or whatever...

The above is based on me thinking of attending the funeral of a friend, not a close family member, which may well render all the above immaterial.

Regarding the girls' presence providing a welcome distraction and there being family members they haven't yet met, is there any sort of gathering after the service? Perhaps they could be present at this but not at the service itself?

Posted 11 months ago #
ski - Member

In the same boat as you MF I have my Fathers funeral on Friday & we have decided its not for our two little ones, who are a little older than your little girl.

At the end of the day, you know your child best, go with what you both feel is right.

all the best..

Posted 11 months ago #
rocketman - Member

Sorry to hear about your sad loss

2 years old is a tender age to be exposed to the harsh realities of life and death. Personally I wouldn't entertain the idea of taking a young child to a funeral but on the other hand, the very young can sometimes lift the atmosphere at an otherwise sombre occasion

Posted 11 months ago #
gwj72 - Member

I went to my nans funeral as a very young child with my sister. I didn't really get what was going on and remember laughing and giggling with my sister - probably out of nerves. Sticks in my gut a bit that.

Posted 11 months ago #
maxray - Member

As above, wouldnt take young kids to a funeral personally. Once theyre a bit older it is different (again imho).

Posted 11 months ago #
molgrips - Member

I think they are young enough not to be affected by the experience and their presence might be a welcome distraction for family members (some of which haven't even met them yet)

Definitely. I'd think it'd be a great lift to everyone. Presumably they look a bit like your Mum which would help everyone remember that parents never really die.

I'd say definitely take them. But maybe have someone else help watch them since you might want to concentrate on things. Can you get someone else to look after them or take them outside for a run about during the service?

And as for death - they are going to be exposed to it aren't they? How else to explain that a family member is gone.

Posted 11 months ago #
TandemJeremy - Member

Drac - Moderator

A compromise not at the service but at the celebration of you Mother's life after.

Several people say similar - might well be a good comprimise

Posted 11 months ago #
Scamper - Member

Its a difficult one. When my Wife lost her Gran, the mother-in-law did not want her other daughter's 3 yr old at the funeral because of justifed concerns over behaviour and i presume concerns about it being appropriate. The sister-in-law made excuses about not being able to find babysitters, but i think it was more to do with it causing problems for her travel plans and in the end the mother-in-law gave in, as she had enough on her plate.

On the day, there were no other kids at the funeral but to their credit the child sat at the back quiet with the sister-in-law. It was then awkward as to what to do during the burial and in the end i volenteered to stay with him outside the church while everyone else went into "the garden" - as the sister in law had previously suggested, but had not actually asked me.

So, it was all ok in the end, but a distraction. However, the child, now 4 is asking questions about death, and the school have even rasied concerns about it. Its possible he is effected more from picking up on the sister-in-law gossiping rather than the day itself.

Posted 11 months ago #
Ho hum - Member

Sorry to hear about your Mum MF.

My eldest daughter was a little bit older than your two when wife's Grandparents passed and she did not attend the church service, but did attend both burials and the wakes afterwards.

Posted 11 months ago #
Big Dave - Member

Very sorry for your loss. My mum died at the end of last year, bloody awful thing to have to come to terms with.

Given that you don't know just how you will cope at the service let alone your children it may be best to only have them present at the wake as others have suggested. The wake for my mum was a really pleasant affair and hopefully you will experience the same. It is a better way to introduce the facts about what has happened to your daughters as it will be a less pressured environment for them.

Probably the best thing you can do is to make sure they visit the grave regularly and help pick out flowers etc. That way they can feel involved with everything that is going on.

Posted 11 months ago #
hels - Member

My grandad on my mum's side died when I was 5. I remember it clearly, we all got on the plane and trooped down to the South Island, I very much understood what was happening, and felt very left out and upset that I wasn't allowed to go to the funeral when all my cousins got to go. But I guess at 2 they might not have such clear memories and understanding.

Grief is different for everybody. I have no idea how I made it through my own dad's funeral when I was 22, held on to my sister very tightly as I recall !

Posted 11 months ago #
Scienceofficer - Member

I was upset that my wife didn't want our two (6 and 4 at the time) to my grandmothers funeral.

I was very close to my gran and as it turns out, I was very distraught, despite thinking I'd done all my crying. It would have been difficult for me and even harder for the the kids had they been there.

We've taken them to the grave to lay flowers a couple of times since.

Posted 11 months ago #
anagallis_arvensis - Member

just wrote a long message and then closed it by mistake.
in summary I'd take them.
my father died when I was 2 I didnt go and wish I had.
my brother died a few months ago and his was a Moari style funeral with lots of young kids and they all coped fine and seemed to take something from it. IMO it says more about the adults not wanting the kids there. Why hide tears grief is a common emotion given the link between birth and death.
good luck with it

Posted 11 months ago #
Scienceofficer - Member

IMO it says more about the adults not wanting the kids there. Why hide tears grief is a common emotion given the lonk between birth and death.

Yes - I agree with this totally. Learning about death and grief is important, and its the main reason I wanted my kids to come - they didn't actually know 'supergran' very well, but the reality in practical terms of managing kids throughout the day would have been too much for the state that my mum, my brother, aunt and uncle were in.

We've spent time explaining how supergran died, and the order of life etc, but at that age, death doesn't meant the same as it does to an adult. They were more upset, and probably learned as much, when the pet rabbits died - and thats fine, because they're learning how to manage it.

Posted 11 months ago #
ilovemygears - Member

i my self dont do funerals, in my mind there gone and thats that. However thats me you should take youre kids if thats how you feel.

Posted 11 months ago #
mastiles_fanylion - Member

Hmmm, thanks for all the feedback.

I guess not attending the service but going to the wake/celebration is a compromise I could make. But I do think mum would want them there and that is why I want to take them. Certainly not for me or others - just for my mum.

The only thing that is bringing me to tears in this whole sorry situation is thinking how mum won't see them grow up and they will never remember her first-hand. The rest I can cope with.

it says more about the adults not wanting the kids there

It probably does - my wife doesn't handle death very well, whereas I can be quite pragmatic about it all - after all, every single one of us dies.

Posted 11 months ago #
gravitysucks - Member

Sorry for your loss MF.
Personal desicion based on what you want and what your Mother would have wanted.
Your kids were her family and what people think is kinda irrelevant. As said before I would question an adults motives for not wanting a child there.

Both of my children have been to family funerals around that age and younger and they were a breath of fresh air for the family.
We just took a couple of books and a wooden jigsaw thing for them to quietly play with.

That said it was never really an issue. I wanted them there, all my family wanted them there. It was a family celebration, they were family.

Posted 11 months ago #
Markie - Member

Second thoughts from me... my mom is here playing with my daughter as I type and on reflection I think that taking your daughters would be right.

Posted 11 months ago #
big_n_daft - Member

personally I would, they are the next generation of the family and should remind everyone that it's not just a remembering a loss but celebrating a life

Posted 11 months ago #
mastiles_fanylion - Member

they are the next generation of the family and should remind everyone that it's not just a remembering a loss but celebrating a life

A lovely way of putting it

And almost bringing me to tears here.

Posted 11 months ago #
gravitysucks - Member

But I do think mum would want them there and that is why I want to take them.

Easy, take them then.
Funeral services have evolved a lot over the years and they are not the somber events they once were. Although still traditional 95% of services these days are prioritised around what the deceased would have wanted and celebrating that and there lives.

Posted 11 months ago #
deadlydarcy - Member

I hope you're ok m_f.

Differing opinions here. I'm sure you'll make the right decision. I grew up in a culture where everybody went to a funeral - no matter how old they were. I have no memories of funerals before I was around seven or eight. However, if you don't think it'll be right, then hey, it's your mum's thing.

Chin up - small steps and all that - keep thinking about her - keep talking - keep grieving - no bottling things up - hope it all goes ok matey.

Look after yourselves.

Posted 11 months ago #
Cougar - Member

Sorry for your loss mate.

The only thing I can add that's not already been said is, there is no 'wrong' answer here. Whether you ultimately decide to take them or not to take them, you're doing the right thing because you're doing what you think is best.

Personally I don't see as there's much to gain from taking them; it's just one day, they've had the past two years to share times together. That's far more important IMHO.

Posted 11 months ago #
mastiles_fanylion - Member

Personally I don't see as there's much to gain from taking them; it's just one day, they've had the past two years to share times together.

I suppose I just see it that they were a big part of her life and should be there.

Posted 11 months ago #
anagallis_arvensis - Member

The only thing that is bringing me to tears in this whole sorry situation is thinking how mum won't see them grow up and they will never remember her first-hand. The rest I can cope with.

I know what you mean, my son will never know his uncle

Posted 11 months ago #
jazid - Member

My father passed away a month ago. Made the decision that we wouldn't
Take the 3yo or baby. In hindsight it was a good decision for us
As we had time to think and pay respects and generally deal with
The situation without distraction of the young ones.
It also meant we could chat at the gathering afterwards and remeber the good times
Without the distraction and attention seeking of the little ones.

As everyone has stated it is a personal choice based upon knowledge of yourself and your young ones.
I was also a little concerned that they were too young to be exposed to
such a event before they are able to reason fully. Just my 2p worth.

My thoughts are with you.

Posted 11 months ago #
molgrips - Member

But Cougar, he's said that lots of people haven't met them - they will want to, I can guarantee. You do, when you get involved with kids and stuff. And especially so on this sad day.

And there'll be people there that you don't see very often probably, they'll also want to keep in touch with the kids as well as MF.

Definitely be there for the 'do' afterwards in my book. People will understand about the service.

Posted 11 months ago #