Have you ever read it? If not here's an (ahem) abridged version for the OMG!!! Generation.
I know it's absolutely inconceivable that this hasn't been posted on here before, but there you go. I'm going to Hell anyway.
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The Bible...
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Posted 2 years ago #
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lulz
Posted 2 years ago # -
"How It All Began":
Once upon a time, a woman made from spare ribs was given a bit of fruit by a talking snake and then had sex with a mudman. They had to leave the garden where they lived because a big sky pixie was angry about it. Or something...
(Apologies to SaxonRider...)
Posted 2 years ago # -
Ceiling Cat, bring me teh cheezeburgers.
It's like the doors of perception have finally been cleansed.
Posted 2 years ago # -
This is the lolcat Bible Translation Project, a project dedicated to translating the entire Bible into lolspeak.
It seems reasonable enough to believe that humankind was intelligently designed to reach the apex of genius necessary to undertake this enormously worthwhile task.
Posted 2 years ago # -
It seems reasonable enough to believe that humankind was intelligently designed to reach the apex of genius necessary to undertake this enormously worthwhile task.
ergo tehre iz a God
Posted 2 years ago # -
never heard of it.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Feel the need to speak up here.
For the record I believe that the bible IS the word of God.
Yes (sigh) born again christains also ride mountain bikes!
Posted 2 years ago # -
Yep to Stuartie. You're not the only one Yeti Guy...
Posted 2 years ago # -
yeti guy - Premier Member
For the record I believe that the bible IS the word of God.
All of it?
Posted 2 years ago # -
I'm with you yeti guy - I wonder if they'll be a dig at the Qur'an in a minute? Mmmm I doubt it somehow.
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A dig?
It's a modern interpretation.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Had me laughing out loud anyhows. Not worried if it's a dig or an interpretation.
I wonder if they'll be a dig at the Qur'an in a minute?
it's only a matter of time before Mewhommad makes an appearancePosted 2 years ago # -
This is brilliant, it makes much more sense.
Posted 2 years ago # -
To be honest its pretty good. Would nt say its a digs its just a translation.
Posted 2 years ago # -
I cant be bothered, I'm gonna wait for the film..... so for **** sake don't tell me how it ends.
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For the record I believe that the bible IS the word of God.
But which bible?
Posted 2 years ago # -
If god exists why did he make wombats have cubic Poo? what was his design idea for that one?
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what was his design idea for that one?
Future generations will discover that wombat poo is actually delicious when stir-fried. This will only be discovered when the world soy-bean harvest fails due to the sins of the infidels and the Tofu Wars ensue.
Cubic poo - optimal shape for packaging. Supermarkets happy, consumers happy, God can take it easy for a bit.
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"Cubic poo - optimal shape for packaging. Supermarkets happy, consumers happy, God can take it easy for a bit. "
Their bum must shut with a hell of a bang though...........
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Future generations will discover that wombat poo is actually delicious when stir-fried
are you claiming that god(take your pick there are millions of the f*ckers) is actually promoting some sort of SCAT revolution with WOMBATS. That'll make 2girls 1cup look very tame, can't wait for the youtube clip of that one!
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Don't want to spoil it for you but he dies at the end. (although there may be a twist in the plot)
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although there may be a twist in the plot- yeh he comes back as zombie and all his followers are the undead, or at least they shuffle about trying to turn you into one of them so it's much the same
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If you ever hear a loud clap while out in the bush [sic] then that's the sound of the Wombat's sphincter closing.
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Back in the day spacemen came down and setup a biosphere on planet earth.
The new colonists (Adam and Eve) tried earth produce, thus contaminating them with local bacteria, so they ended up stuck on Earth, and so the world was populated.Then, you'll have heard about Noah, he was one a group of scientist who heard about deteriorating weather patterns, so they gene sequenced as much flora and fauna before the weather patterns failed completely. They fled in a spaceship. Once the weather had settled down they returned and re-stocked the earth to the best of their abilities.
Some time passed…
An off planet survey group came to check up on the Earth, arriving in a spaceship the planted it in low orbit. Then using EVA suits they came down to earth and impregnated a lady (jetpacks-wings, halo-helmet glint). She insisted to her doting husband that it was angels…
Following the successful birth the ship left low orbit using fusion drive, visible by the naked eye from earth.
The young lad 'J' grew up knowing he was special, not least as he was regularly communicated to by off planet beings. They taught him some key medical knowledge, and provided him with special equipment – he was also not genetically the same as most humans. This transpired into:
Healing the sick – with some (by today's standard) simple medical procedures.
Feeding the hungry – concentrated dehydrated rations and some water.
Living with the lepers (as they were called then) – not affected by human illnesses so much).As his life continued the off world beings came in more contact, towards the end of his life they landed a craft in a local lake.
"J' rowed out then walked on the deck of the submerged ship, appearing to walk on water.Eventually his antics became untrusted and so he was condemned to be crucified.
Being not fully human, typical capital punishments didn't fully terminate 'J', so when removed he was not completely dead.
Following a few days of recuperation, he used his off planet strength (the beings were from a hi-G world) to open the cave door and exit.
The off-planet observers took the opportunity to use a tractor beam to take 'J' off planet.
We've been talking about it ever since, and a long time later some folk wrote a book about it…
Posted 2 years ago # -
Ex-pat too much si-fi
but i believe you !
does this make me born again
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I read it all the way through (king james version), and read the koran all the way through (translated version).
the koran is better - its a lot shorter.
Jehovah's witnesses didnt come back after my last lot of questions :<
Panda
Posted 2 years ago # -
does it have the bit where the chap encourages his daughter to be gang raped to please god?
Posted 2 years ago # -
Yes it does:
Sodom n Gomorrah PWNED
1 andz der wuz two hovrcatz dat coemed to Sodom's place, anz lot sat der looking like "wtf iz goin on heer?" Lot saw dem and waz all, "Doodz, you are teh hovrcats and probly haz cheezburgerz," and bowed down to eatz teh cheezburger.2 Doodz, he saiz, plz crash on my couch, you can wash ur kittehs feet and ur canz has go out when I r woke. "Lolz," teh doodz said, "we iz gonna sleep together in teh middle of teh citeh."
3 Lot iz all "doodz, srsly, crash on my couch." Den He called up teh taco bell ann tey gave it to hiz kitteh.4 All teh drunc doodz went to Lotz place fer teh LOLz5 Teh drunc guyz says to Lot, dood, letz see teh guyz in ur place, we herd dey liek VISIBLE BUTTSEX!
6 Lot goez outside n close teh cat flap.7 He sayz, "oh snap, don't do dat! ewwwww growss!"8 Lol U can hit my hot daughterz whu r virginz. Let me get em n we kan PENIS GOES WHERE? them. But don't do theze doodz, they iz in mah house.9 Aw no fanks. We iz gonna hit ur door an hav lemmon party. ur gonna get raped fisrt.
10 Teh doodz pulled Lot into teh howse.11 Teh doodz MADE TEH MAGIK ANTI LITE! (is ok tho cuz kitteh can see in teh dark)
12 Tehn the two doodz waz all liek "GTFO man. and bring ur kittehs,13 u arr cant hang out with uz be cuz we is goin' to PWN this place. Srsly, liek, PWn it to da florr."
14 Lot sez to hiz doters fiances (teh ons he wuz gonna let the hole town do PENIS GOES WHERE wif). "U better go cause Ceiling cat gonna pwn this place, srsly." but they thaught it wuz jokez.
15 Teh Doodz sez "GTFO with ur wimenz or we pwn U to."
16 Then Lot was al liek "OH NOES!" and teh doodz made him left with his wife an daughters and his cheezburger.17 One ov teh doodz sez "GTFO nd don't coem back or luk bak. Go 2 the ceiling or we gonna pwn U."
Posted 2 years ago # -
An so teh threeth day jazzhands.
All is clear to me now.
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Posted 2 years ago #
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Sodom n Gomorrah:
"does it have the bit where the chap encourages his daughter to be gang raped to please god?"
Nothing in the Bible says he did this to please God... and certainly nothing that says it did please God.
It's all there in the OT the nasty stuff that went on doesn't get covered up.
Posted 2 years ago # -
We got given them at school (Not sure that happens these days).
Anyway, I burnt mine.
Posted 2 years ago # -
Im not religious to be honest (in the organised sense), but if someone has a faith (as with some of the people in this thread) so strong then that is a powerfull thing.
If this makes their life so fullfilling and strong, then i'm in awe of that.Posted 2 years ago # -
brillo. The good stuff from Leviticus.
No can has teh surprise buttsecks wif ur daddy. No can has teh surprise buttsecks wif ur mommy.
8 No can has teh secks wif ur daddy's hoez, dats like teh buttsecks wif ur daddy.
9 No can has teh secks wif ur sister. An no iz okai for teh beej. Srry.
10 No can has teh secks wif da kitteh uf ur kitteh.
11 No can has teh beej from teh cuzins. Srry.
12 No can has teh secks wif teh auntie.
13 No cans get teh beej wif auntie too. Srry.
14 No can has teh buttsecks wif teh unkel. He are teh goatse.
15 No can has beej from dawter in lawz. Well okai maibe sumtimes.
16 No can has teh secks wif ur broes hoes. Dats ur bro d00d!
17 No can has gangbang wif grandma and granddawter. Has to big age difrns. Srsly.
18 No can has gangbang wif ur hoes sisturz.
Srsly, jus dun haz teh secks wif any uv teh peeps in ur fambly! Jus dun! SRSLY! S ur FAMBLY!
19 No can get ur harbl wetted when ur hoes has teh bluds in hur harbl.Posted 2 years ago #
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