So, after 6 months.. « Singletrack Forum

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So, after 6 months..

55 posts & 42 voices | Started 2 years ago by mrsflash | Latest reply from Philby

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JulianA - Member

Good luck MrsF and everyone else.

There's been some of that around here too, and I have found some of these posts helpful. Being unemployed for just over a year and trying to help someone else to cope with depression for the last couple of months whilst teetering on the brink myself has not made for a happy year.

It's hard to try to get someone else to get out of the house for some fresh air and a change of scene when all you want to do is close the curtains and open a beer (assuming you have found a reason to get out of bed in the first place.

Here's to a better year next year all round!

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

Hmm, not just me then?

This last yr has been a strange one. My fiancee walked out this time last year, my good friend was diagnosed with breast cancer in the summer and i was made redundant in July.
In the great scheme of things being depressed isn't exactly on a par with a cancer diagnosis and i feel guilty for wallowing in it whilst she is facing up to her illness with such courage and directness.
I'm seeing a new lady and i feel guilty that i can't quite give her the emotion she requires because i'm all wrapped up in feeling sorry for myself.
I went through my phone contacts and realised i had absolutely no-one i could really talk to - well, i do but they all have their own shite to deal with and don't need mine on top.
Trying to find work when the skills you had from 23yrs in the same job are now completely irrelevant is somewhat daunting, and my desired 'career' in cycle instructing doesn't look like i'll be able to make a living from it.

What a load of bollox eh?

Posted 2 years ago #
JulianA - Member

Hey muddydwarf - not just you by a long chalk (although I know it can seem like it).

In my (very limited) experience, people suffering from depression feel bad that they are not well when other people have to cope with worse stuff - but they aren't well. Just because people can't see your symptoms doesn't make it any less real.

Getting out of my depth here as my experience is limited, as I said, but it IS real.

The person I'm looking out for went to the doctor for her regular appointment and also mentioned my situation: too much booze + too many cigars + physical symptoms = worry about something worse = feeling even worse. VERY vicious circle, but I felt better when the doc said it sounds like a classic case of depression (strange but true).

Trying to be strong for someone else helps in an odd way (but makes the 'downs' even worse for me).

Open up to others (I'm a fine one to talk, admittedly: although this post is cathartic for me) - it helps, and good friends may be there already and find it helps them too...

OK, I'm wibbling now and should hand over to people with more experience!

I wonder if my homebrew is ready and whether my local has any more cigars? The Leffe is nearly gone...

Posted 2 years ago #
RichPenny - Member

i had absolutely no-one i could really talk to - well, i do but they all have their own shite to deal with and don't need mine on top.

You know what, you might be surprised. Helping people out, even if it's just providing a sympathetic ear, gives most folk a nice warm glow. You're doing them a favour They are your friends, and that's what friends are for in times of need. I hope you can find something to help you feel better. I know it's tough, but there are always things to remind you why life is worth living. Sometimes they just aren't easy to see.

And well done to MrsF!

Posted 2 years ago #
mrsflash - Member

Thanks everyone, once againg you are all lovely

Muddydwarf, please go and seek help. It's not a competition about who has things worse, it doesn't matter what the cause is, if you are not coping you need to work something out.

You've had a hell of a lot to deal with over the last year, of course it's affected you.

And acutally, when I finally realised that I needed to sort it out, there was not acutally anything going wrong in my life - happy marriage, good job, friends etc etc. On the surface, I had no problems at all. But I just wasn't functioning at all.

Please make an appointment with your doctor tomorrow. It doesn't have to be pills, all though they do provide a great starting point for you to sort other things out. They also referred me to the mental health team for a review and that's how I got the CBT course.

Please let us know how you get on.

Posted 2 years ago #
Kit - Member

Hmm, not just me then?

blah blah blah.

What a load of bollox eh?

Damn right. First step for you has been to recognise that. Second step is to do something about it!

The bit I've perhaps petulantly quoted "blah blah blah" is, I think, very typical of people (like you and me) who suffer from low self esteem. The negative thoughts such as "why would my friends want to hear about my problems" and "my illness is insignificant compared with theirs" and "I can't get the job I want" and "I'm not good enough for my girlfriend" etc etc etc are dragging you down, and it is your attitude that is causing it. That means YOU can change it by thinking about the positive side of things instead of the negative.

e.g.
Problem: "why would my friends want to hear about my problems"
A Solution: Because if they are your friends, or family, then it is because they care. Don't assume that they are so wrapped up in their own problems that they have zero time for a chat. For example, your friend with breast cancer - do you have time for her? Of course you do! So why wouldn't your friends have time for you? And for them, talking about someone else' problems would perhaps take their mind off what they are going through, so in a way you're helping each other. Put it this way - what harm will it do to give them a call?

P: "my illness is insignificant compared with theirs"
A: Theirs is life-threatening. So is yours. How the illnesses differ is a moot point. Part of mental illness is the perception we have as sufferers of what other people think. Mental illness is stigmatised whereas cancer (for example) isn't. There's no depression screening program or such like. But that doesn't mean that its not significant! A lot of people don't realise how significant it is - tell people you've been thinking of suicide and you'll see how quickly people take your "insignificant" illness seriously (but don't use it as an emotional blackmail tool!)

P: "I can't get the job I want"
A: Well, see your unemployment as the key to opening a new door in your life. You have skills, whether you currently recognise them or not, which will be applicable to whatever you want to put your mind to. If you are struggling, then consider further education or retraining. Can't afford it? Then sell your house - who needs the weight of debt that that entails! As for turning something down you'd love to do because its not going to earn you megabucks, then you need to look at what your priorities are - do you want to be happy going to work everyday, pouring your soul into the best job you ever had OR do you want to slave away doing something a bit shit to pay the mortgage (do you need it, see above) and forever live out your life regretting not taking this golden opportunity?

P: "I'm not good enough for my girlfriend"
A: A common thought and reaction, to hide yourself away and deal with it on your own terms. Firstly, you don't have to get her involved. If you want to deal with it yourself, then why not? And she should be able to respect that. But that only works if you ARE doing something about it instead of wallowing in self pity and misery because you're not doing anything about it! Or you can talk to her, explain how you feel, be open to any suggestions. In my experience, its difficult to relate how you feel and it can be difficult for them to understand what you are going through. And just because you are with her now, does not necessarily mean she is the right person for you...

All a bit rambling, and I hope I don't come across as arrogant or anything! I eventually sought help for my depression and I have been in the same shoes as you, for sure. The above 'advice' I could not have dreamed of giving to anyone a few years ago. Email is in my profile if you want to drop me an email - would be glad to help!

Oh, and the offer of help/advice goes out to anyone on here who wants it

Posted 2 years ago #
mangoridebike - Member

Good luck Mrs F and all who are finding things tough.

There are a number of options out there for dealing with things like this and not all will work for everyone, it depends on the sort of person you are.

My wife has recently trained as a psycho-dynamic counsellor and has been working at a GP practice where they are recommending counselling as an alternative to medication for those diagnosed with depression. the take up for counselling has been high and the results have been good too.

Posted 2 years ago #
mrsflash - Member

Kit talks the sense.

Mangoridebike, it's great that your wife is doing that. My view about medication is that it should be seen as a stepping stone to get you out of the deep pit and in a state that's receptive to other help.

Posted 2 years ago #
muddydwarf - Member

Thanks for the insight everyone.

One of the things that is getting to me is the isolation. I've been living alone since my former fiancee left, when i was working it wasn't a problem as i was still mixing/interacting with people on a daily basis. Now i can go days without really having spent time with a real person (as opposed to a phone call etc).
I think counselling would be of more use than the drugs, they didn't work much for me last time.
The sense of isolation and worthlessness is what's getting me down - plus reading idiots like captain F pontificating about dole dossers.
TBH i feel like wandering down to wherever he lives and putting several arrows in his arse!

Posted 2 years ago #
mrsflash - Member

I can see how soul destroying it must be, but don't confuse loneliness with worthlessness. And ignore people spouting about dole scroungers, there are a lot of people on the dole just now through no fault of their own. You've paid your taxes for years to cover this eventuality, and you will find another job in the end.

Posted 2 years ago #
mangoridebike - Member

Mrs F - I agree that medication can play a very important role in recovery. as with all the options sometimes they work on their own sometimes they work as part of a suite of treatments.

The line my wife got from tutors was that medication can deal with the symptoms of the issue and that counselling can help to sort out the root cause of the problem. They are hardly unbiased though.

Muddydwarf - counselling offers the opportunity to talk issues through and you can discuss issues when you're ready to. The counsellor will aim to ask you questions that challenge you to address issues that you've maybe been avoiding and will allow you to understand the things that are affecting you. It can be very hard though, my wife went through 2.5 yrs of it as part of her course and found parts of it really hard to get through as the counsellor challenged her to address stuff about herself that were really entrenched. ONce dealt with though it lead to far greater self awareness and a more balanced approach to life.

Posted 2 years ago #
Kit - Member

muddydwarf - assuming you ride, are there any other people in your area that you can meet up with for some riding company during the week? How often is your girlfriend willing to come round - would she take a day or two off to help you through a week and give you a wee lift?

Part of combating depression, as a few of us are subtly hinting at is to challenge negative thoughts which end in a downward spiral. You have to look rationally and logically at situations and once you can step back and look at things like that you realise things aren't as bad as you have made yourself believe.

I gave an example above about your job. Instead of seeing it as a bad situation where you are forced to stay inside and you are worthless ad nauseum, you are actually now in a position where you are liberated from your old job and have the time to persue anything you truly want to.

Its all about positive thinking, although of course, this approach isn't for everyone and drugs may help you out instead or before you are ready for this stage.

Posted 2 years ago #
tails - Member

TBH i feel like wandering down to wherever he lives and putting several arrows in his arse!

Do it Do it Do it, can I come. I'll steal his beers, while you fire arrows at him.

Posted 2 years ago #
rusty trowel - Member

Just finished 6 months of CBT for heavy OCD problems. I've just upped my meds to soften the blow of not seeing anyone regularly, as i have previously stopped taking them and relapsed before. Keep doing the stuff you learned at CBT if possible and get a friend/family member to act as your mentor if that helps.
If you need them, don't be shy of keeping on the pills. If it was a physical problem you'd take them without question. It's taken me 7 years to get my head around that one, that it's the same for a mental issue as for a physical one. If your meds allow you to keep active and busy, then that's got to be better than sitting inside struggling without them.

It may be different depending on paricular illness, but that's my experience anyway. Good luck

Posted 2 years ago #
Philby - Member

Mrs Flash - well done and good luck for the future!

Muddydwarf - I experienced a very similar situation to you many years ago after being made redundant, fiancee leaving, father having stroke, money problems, negative equity, lots (and I mean lots) of rejections from job applications / interviews across the country etc. Didn't do the GP thing or take happy pills but started doing some volunteering with a well-known international development charity in their regional office. I did things I never believed I was capable of, got meetings with senior politicians, and had my biggest ever career achievement (and possibly also my second biggest achievement) during my time volunteering. The new skills, experience and confidence of that experience opened up a number of new opportunities and led me away from wanting to work in the private sector. I ended up being a director of one of the UK's leading environmental organisations - something I would never have considered or had the opportunity to do were it not for the volunteering. So it might be worth a trip to your local Volunteer Bureau - see http://www.volunteering.org.uk/ or http://www.do-it.org.uk/ for opportunities. If nothing else it will give you something to do each day and will give you the chance to chat to other people during the day. Email me if you want any more information or help. Good luck!

Posted 2 years ago #