so... 2012 could be tough...or ineresting, advice required

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so... 2012 could be tough...or ineresting, advice required

32 posts & 29 voices | Started 4 months ago by jimmy01 | Latest reply from restless

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jimmy01 - Member

So indulge me..

The last year has been "interesting"
found out about 6 months ago the wife has a problem with me.
Turns out this problem has been going on since before last Christmas.
Tried to sort out the issues. We tried seeing a Councillor.
We went to two appointments but she confused the Councillor and refused to go any more, because the Councillor was obviously rubbish....
she announced she wanted to leave at the start of October.
I sorted out a financial settlement and she found a house.
As things were going through she panicked. Decided she didn't want to leave after all.
Tried to make a go of it
Over the last 2 months she has decided to leave about 6 times.
I've put in place, and cancelled a mortgage twice..
When it all becomes real she has an anxiety attack
A lot of problems are seemingly based around a HUGE anxiety problem she has, and possibly depression as well, I don't know
She wants to move house but I can't commit to that because I can't guarantee she'll stick around

I now have no idea where I am.
It turns out the "problem" she had is because she fell in love with someone else, and seemingly fell out of love with me
I have done everything I can to try and fix this. I feel like I'm trying to sort a problem that wasn't my doing.
I won't throw her out because I don't think shes strong enough. I really don't think she'd cope..
She's bulimic...
As it stands I THINK she's moving in with her friend in a week, I don't know.
She can't commit to even trying.. I feel she can't be bothered. I've confronted her about this and she has just said sorry, but isn't prepared to commit to trying to fix things

I can't go into the next year in this limbo, It was hard having a relationship break down once, that I could deal with, but shes had me up and down so many times now I don't know which way is up at the mo..

sorry for rambling on, even written down it doesn't make much sense.. what the hell should I do????

Posted 4 months ago #
neilsonwheels - Member

From past experience of being fecked around I would get shot of her asap and think solely about number one, unless there are kids involved then that's a hole different world of shite. I spent a few years on and off with my ex and looking back now I should of fecked her off after the second chance fell apart. Think about your own mental state and stop worrying about others.

IMO that is.

Posted 4 months ago #
tails - Member

Can't say I have experience in such a situation, but I would say if possible make another bedroom for her or you to live and sleep in. Continue other arrangements food shopping, cooking etc see how that goes. Get back in contact with a good councillor yourself and speak to them about your concerns then try to introduce this idea to her. She doesn't sound nasty or vindictive, but also you can only put so much effort in before you really have to make a decision. I hope you have a decent new years day!

Posted 4 months ago #
tails - Member

lol! 2 different opinions, both valid I guess!

Posted 4 months ago #
jimmy01 - Member

neilsonwheels... no kids involved

tails..

ontinue other arrangements food shopping, cooking etc see how that goes. Get back in contact with a good councillor yourself and speak to them about your concerns then try to introduce this idea to her. She doesn't sound nasty or vindictive, but also you can only put so much effort in before you really have to make a decision. I hope you have a decent new years day!

Already in the back bedroom.. have been for a while on and off..

shes not a bad person, or vindictive, just messed up.. and is messing me up...
I think I've run out of effort. Like I said. I've been trying 110% to fix something I didn't break.
It says a lot that she doesn't seemingly want to try

Posted 4 months ago #
buttercup - Member

Been in that spot before.
I can nearly safely say, "It probably wont get any better."
How old are the both of you? Dependingly, it could raise a bunch of excuses, but those are just that.

I'm sure you have laid down the "This is how I would like this relationship to work" conversation. In my relationship, after the same behavour for a series of months, I found it difficult to trust anything was going to last forever. That left a joint complacency in the relationship. It's very difficult to recover from that spot. Nobody will ever trust or feel completely comfortable again, will they?

Question is..
How much do you love her? (love her because she is what you are used to, because she is the one, concern for her well being) That's the only factor any answer can rely on.
If it is anything other than "She completes my soul" I would cut the losses now. Try and be friends. Move on. No responsibility to pay for her to have another life.

Posted 4 months ago #
flip - Member

Seriously please get rid, ive been thete and she'll drag you down. She clearly dont care about you...

Posted 4 months ago #
chakaping - Member

No kids? Let her go and be grateful. if you carry on and have children then when it happens again it will be100 times worse

Posted 4 months ago #
don simon - Member

Tried to sort out the issues. We tried seeing a Councillor.
We went to two appointments but she confused the Councillor and refused to go any more, because the Councillor was obviously rubbish....

I think I see the problem here.
I think she needs to deal with her problem of depression and the reasons behind it before you can both move on.
You appear to have clarity of understanding and are in a better position to control. If her wellbeing becomes the priority, you will know what to do and accept the consequences, both positive and negative on your part. I think you'll find it's a positive.

Posted 4 months ago #
ask1974 - Member

wowww mate.... ticking time bomb!

I assume you still love her? In which case Neilsonwheels has it in one. I had a similar situation in my twenties, basically she's gone but is unable, unwilling or not strong enough to carry it through. But one day she will, and believe me that will be the start of a horrible time for you.

Obviously I might be calling this one wrong, but from personal experience there is nothing you can do and she's clearly not too interested in you any more. Hurts like stink but cut and run fella. Better to make the call yourself and walk away strong than hang on for weeks or months only for someone else to do it for you, that is NOT an option for you. It's bloody awful. Especially if you've been trying hard to fix it. Just makes it much, much worse.

As you can tell I got hurt pretty badly.

Happily married at a wonderful woman with two beautiful kids now. Look back and think what an idiot i was. Not that your an idiot of course, but THIS IS HINDSIGHT TALKING.

Posted 4 months ago #
baldSpot - Member

Did she play "hide the sausage" with this person she was in love with? If she did, then thats a breakdown of trust and a deal breaker (for me).

Posted 4 months ago #
takisawa2 - Member

Having gone through this kind of situation before, I wouldn't waste a second more of my life going through it again. Sounds selfish...perhaps, but your suffering here mate & you need to look after no1.
Wherever your head us at this morning I hope its a good place for you.

Posted 4 months ago #
cynic-al - Member

Does she have the ability/will to work on herself (which would be required before she could)/make a go of it?

If not...unless she's suicidal & has no none else to support her...I'd get rid, you've been properly dicked around already, resentment may already be building up in you.

Posted 4 months ago #
b r - Member

Been there (16 years ago), but we had two small kids.

After six months I gave her an ultimatum, options were:

1 Stay and it will never be discussed/raised again.
2 Go and live with him.

I was due to be away with work for a couple of weeks, so she had the choice/space to decide (and do).

She went, best for both in the end.

Posted 4 months ago #
WorldClassAccident - Member

Love it
Change it
or
Leave it

Sounds like you have tried the first 2 and that hasn't worked

Posted 4 months ago #
fervouredimage - Member

It's hard when you love someone to just think about number one. I think it's incredibly noble and selfless that you are more or less on standby for her. But at what point do you start getting your life on track?

She clearly has some difficult emotional and mental issues which is tough for her and you but you could spend an indefinite amount of time on standby, jumping when she needs you, sitting back when she doesn't and potentially being left behind to pick up the pieces when she decides exactly what she wants to do.

I don't know how much you have talked to her about all of his or how you feel but I think you need to strongly tell her the effect this is having on you and how unfair the whole situation is on you and then, harsh as it may be, provide an ultimatum and stick by it.

At the minute she is living in her own bubble as a result of her emotional instability and clearly cannot see or cope with the idea that others are suffering as well because of her actions. So you need to bring her back down to earth and remind her just how miserable her selfishness and thoughtlessness is making you.

It's ultimatum time in my opinion and she needs to know it.

Posted 4 months ago #
gingerss - Member

It sounds to me like she is in control of the situation but not in a suitable emotional state to be making 'big' decisions.

I suggest the first thing you do is take control. You need to decide whether the relationship is right for you. If it is then...

Lay down what you want to happen, what you want from the relationship and what she needs to do to stay with you - e.g. stop threatening to walk out, stop doing the other things that hurt you. Obviously this is all in a supportive context as it does sound a bit cold - it shouldn't be. Give her a bit of time to calm down and take it all in. After that really make an effort and try to make things work.

Most importantly I suggest you agree a time limit (3 months?) on returning to happiness and if it's not achieved be decisive and walk away. Be strong here - as already stated it might hurt but if it's not right for you then you need to move on.

Posted 4 months ago #
jimmy01 - Member

Did she play "hide the sausage" with this person she was in love with? If she did, then thats a breakdown of trust and a deal breaker (for me).

No, but I still have a problem with the inappropriate relationship.

I have to say I'm not really in a bad place.. these things happen, its not fatal. I have a job I enjoy and I'm reasonably solvent.

I don't think its that she doesn't care about me either, its not a difficult situation in the house.

If not...unless she's suicidal & has no none else to support her...I'd get rid, you've been properly dicked around already, resentment may already be building up in you

She has more suppport around than I do.. and yes, resentment is building. like I've said, I don't think she wants to try and fix it, she says the "feeling" is gone and she can't get it back.
I'm not wasting anymore emotional energy, it is up to her to try now, but I'm not sure I trust her to commit to making a go of it.. one of the things she wanted to do was move if we tried again. I cannot take on that financial commitment if I'm unsure she'll be around.

Its good to get a perspective from a bunch of strangers. I appreciate the brutal honesty!

Posted 4 months ago #
Stoatsbrother - Member

You can't be both her partner, and her provider of mental health care...

Nothing in your OP suggests she wants to be with you.

She has to go. Sorry. Better for you to know where you are than live for a 1% chance things might work out...

Posted 4 months ago #
Lady Gresley - Member

she says the "feeling" is gone and she can't get it back

I think that says it all - and it may be that she actually wants you to make the decision to make the break.

Posted 4 months ago #
Bushwacked - Member

Sounds like she has all the control at the moment, do you want her to stay?

Posted 4 months ago #
stevewhyte - Member

You are able to side step a land mine here. No kids no real ties. Get rid now asap.

Females are 10 a penny, you sanity is not. Its not worth it.

Make 2012 the year of the bike for you.

Posted 4 months ago #
yunki - Member

no kids no ties.. drop her like a hot potato

move along.. nothing to see here.. what's for dessert.. so long and thanks for all the fish..

life is way too short and far too beautiful to be scrabbling about in the bottom of the bin.. and there are far too many interesting and exciting people waiting to meet you just around the corner..

Posted 4 months ago #
Kiril - Member

Similar thing happened to me, Mrs Kiril moved out (with our two boys). I saw the boys every day and did what I thought was the "right thing".

Loooong story but we are now back together and lots stronger.

All you can do is do what feels like the right thing at that time (sod hindsight) and see where that takes you. I guess you know what that is. Good luck!

Posted 4 months ago #
anothergit - Member

Well from my perspective, I've not even got the issue about there being another man, but if it wasn't that we have small kids I'd cut and run in a heartbeat. Definitely not something worth wasting your time on.

Posted 4 months ago #
Woody - Member

I'd go with the general opinion above.

Not once did you mention you loved her (although your actions seem to say otherwise) and all you have done is try to be supportive and bend over backwards to help and support both her and yourself as a couple. She has consistantly rejected all your help.

IMO 6 months is way to long to be dicked around and for her it's been a year + and she still has you on a string.

BTW you say you are solvent but why are you setting up a mortgage for her? She's leaving you so should be able to handle all that crap herself.

Posted 4 months ago #
project - Member

If she was a car you could take her to the top of a hill and take the handbrake off, but because she is human, just tell her its over, easy to say but hard to do.

Posted 4 months ago #
derekrides - Member

neilsonwheels - Member
From past experience of being fecked around I would get shot of her asap and think solely about number one, unless there are kids involved then that's a hole different world of shite. I spent a few years on and off with my ex and looking back now I should of fecked her off after the second chance fell apart. Think about your own mental state and stop worrying about others.

IMO that is.

yunki - Member
no kids no ties.. drop her like a hot potato

move along.. nothing to see here.. what's for dessert.. so long and thanks for all the fish..

life is way too short and far too beautiful to be scrabbling about in the bottom of the bin.. and there are far too many interesting and exciting people waiting to meet you just around the corner..

+1
Come home change the locks gear in black plastic on the front lawn and tell her to foxtrot oscar, kill or cure, fraid you're going to have to show some 'manly anger', wimmen never really get it they are so selfish it's unreal, put your foot down.

Posted 4 months ago #
Cougar - Member

Sounds like she's made the decision to leave, but lacks the confidence to go through with it. Hence the "I'm going... no I'm not" dithering.

I think you need to draw a line under it and part ways, and I think you'll be doing both of you a favour in the long run.

</InternetExpert>

Posted 4 months ago #
mar_trek - Member

Thread Is Useless Without Pics

Posted 4 months ago #
timraven - Member

From past experience of being fecked around I would get shot of her asap and think solely about number one, unless there are kids involved then that's a hole different world of shite. I spent a few years on and off with my ex and looking back now I should of fecked her off after the second chance fell apart. Think about your own mental state and stop worrying about others.

I've had almost exactly the same experience and tbh it would have been better for both of us if we had just split and got it over with.

I ended up in a right mess from going back and forth.

Posted 4 months ago #
restless - Member

She may be biding her time until she meets a new guy, then she will definately end it with you.

Some people cannot be on their own, they have to have the next relatonship lined up before ending the current one.

Of course, this may not be the case at all, but it reminds me of what some of my friends have done.

Posted 4 months ago #

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