The guy who sits next to me types on his keyboard like he is punishing it for having an affair with his wife… Oh my god my nerves can’t take it any more… I’ve re-read the same sentence about 27 times now because I can’t concentrate over both the vibrations through the desk and the noise which is comparable to the keyboard equivalent of a herd of stampeding elephants… He hits every key with the sort of force normally reserved for breaking concrete…

Who would have thought that such a simple thing would be all that it takes to destoy me completely?

What should I do? MTFU? Tell him he is driving me nuts? Kill him with his own keyboard?

Help me, for the love of god help me…

try and unplug his keyboard without him noticing – see how hard he bangs the keys then.

scrape his face off with a hammer drill then beat him to death with your penis.

i dont know how many times i’m going to keep having to give the same advice on this website! 🙄

pour glue between his keyboard keys so they stick down when he presses them

oh oh oh…. swap the keyboard leads around so what he types appears on your screen and visa versa… then type him a message 😈

re-order the keys

* Uplug his keyboard
* Remove keyboard from desk
* Use keyboard to batter his face to a bloody pulp
* Consider the irony of the sound the keyboard makes as it breaks his nose
* Relax

Change the language on his computer whilst he’s away. Mandarin Chineese should sort it….

Wait for him to go to lunch.

Print screen, set as desktop wallpaper, hide taskbar.

See how hard he hits keys to get anything to happen now!

How about a quiet word mentioning how distracting his typing is, maybe discuss it over a cuppa or perhaps If that doesn’t work, my next step would be

Amble over to his workstation and in a soothing voice explain that if he doesn’t go easy you will lay his hands on the desk and break all the fingers on one hand with a club hammer

No point going mad about these things, just stay calm and collected

philconsequence – Member

oh oh oh…. swap the keyboard leads around so what he types appears on your screen and visa versa… then type him a message

Magic!… I can make him think his computer is talking to him…

“Nigel. This is your computer speaking. I’m going to kill you in your sleep Nigel. Don’t close your eyes tonight Nigel, or I will get you. Now get up. Walk away. And never come back. Oh. Before you go. Make the guy next to you a cup of coffee. He looks like he needs it. Get him a biscuit whilst you’re at it. There’s a good man. Don’t forget I’m coming to kill you though. Just after you’ve made the coffee. Bye Bye Nigel.”

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaVdyOX3isY[/video]

Not sure whether it will work as never posted a video (action starts about 30-40sec in). If not, here is a link 😉 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SaVdyOX3isY

this reminds me of that youtube vid of that bloke in his cubicle going apes*** and smashing the hell out of his keyboard and throwing his monitor about! DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!

Pour a pint of Ribena into his keyboard.

Buy some noise cancelling headphones?

flip his screen – Ctrl,Alt,Down arrow
not sure how that helps but tiz funny in a childish way

Earplugs?

If you just want to annoy him…

Slight adjustments in his chair every evening or morning when he’s not in the office. Micro adjustments, just enough to notice but not so big it’s obvious what’s wrong with his chair.

typing like that he won’t last long – RSI will get him so start marking what parts of his desk you wantneed for when he’s gone long term sick

Earplugs. Or else whilst he is away change every sound on his computer to the orgasm from when Harry met Sally.

get an IBM Model M keyboard and drown him out with your own very satisfying ‘CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK CLACK’

just swap the m and n keys

Plug your keyboard into his pc (assume its USB) and then you can type away to your hearts content.
Did this to someone where they had 2 mice plugged in, one his and one mine…. Oooh lots of fun.

i read this post heading and thought it was an internal email.

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdsgOyu4irk[/video]

Headphones and a selection of CDs. That’s what I use to block out the eejits.

Politely tell him how it’s making you feel.
Do him a favour and email him some info on RSI.

If that doesn’t work, email him this thread and ask him which of the above suggestions you should try next.

just swap the m and n keys

That is pure genius. So subtle yet it will destroy his mind.

does no one type without looking at the keys?

I think the ‘Excuse me but you hit the keys quite hard and it’s not good for either of us’ type conversation is the best approach.

That or get a note from your doc and have months off work with stress.

maybe you should have strapped on a pair and told this person to try and type more quietly long before you wound yourself up this much

fight him, fight him in the face before its too late to prove you’re a man.

take some keys off, put these under http://www.speedydelivery.co.uk/toys-gadgets-gifts/fun-snaps—devil-bangers.shtml and put keys back on

On just start making the occasional grunts or short laughs to annoy him back (at least I find that annoying from my co-workers…)

JOIN A UNION.

Oh my

So glad I only go into my office once every few months. Respect to you lot for putting up with it

Windows XP???

When he’s not looking, press and hold NUM LOCK for 5 seconds until you get a pop-up, then click YES/OK.

This will make his PC bleep everytime he hits certain keys including caps lock.

See how long he takes it for before he starts boiling over 😈

HTH

The best one is to use the “autocheck” spelling feature. It has loads of lists of commonly misspelt words and what they should actually be, and autocorrects as they are typed. When he’s on lunchbreak, go in to his PCs custom dictionary and tell it that when he types words such as “and”, “the”, “Sincerely”, etc. that he really means “****”, “*******”, and “donkey-******* ***-*****er”.

enfht – Member
Windows XP???

When he’s not looking, press and hold NUM LOCK for 5 seconds until you get a pop-up, then click YES/OK.

I do like that a lot, but it only works for the Cap lock, scroll loack and number lock keys.

I do like that a lot, but it only works for the Cap lock, scroll loack and number lock keys

Which is enough to annoy but still falls below their radar until they’re annoyed with something unrelated then it’s the icing on the cake. Very childish but makes me chuckle.

I would actually find that a useful service to run, rather than my current prefered option of removing the cap locks key from the keyboard to stop me typing half my sentences in UPPER case (now where did I put that key?).

You could plug in a secondary usb mouse and very carefully move his cursor when he’s concentrating. Be careful though or he’ll realise whats happening

Buy him some gloves.