..is a naturally occurring process that just takes time; or a painful progression that requires action – in which case, what actions are needed?

Depends how much you invested in it. Plenty of people move on without thought or consequence, others get tied up.

from a SO who you have parted ways with or someone who has died?

I am assuming the first although some will apply for either.

It's an element of both, time heals as the saying goes but there are things you can do to speed it along. Try and reclaim things that belonged to that time, this may be a restaurant, a drink or an activity. do it alone, with someone else (a friend rather than a new SO)

and leave some things behind. throw some of the things that are left behind away (perhaps not all) but some of the gifts the little remiders and things.

fill your memories and your diary, plan some things with friends, a holiday a night out etc. do them and fill your memory.

if any of that makes sense??!! 🙂

They say time is a great healer and for good reason.

The thing is for scars to heal you have to leave them be. Not rip scabs off all the time.

I had a nightmare split with a long time partner with much invested (figuratively and financially) which hit me for seven. Things for a long time were very bleak. Compounded by the fact that we had to share the house until it was sold which wasn't ideal.

But all things pass, in the end.

Time.

ta. sounds like i'm on the right course. just not getting anywhere. 👿

Time is what is needed,but tt above puts it far better than I ever could

Agree that it's a bit of both really. Regarding what positive action you can take to get somewhere, do you know where you want to go? Set some goals and fill your time with new activities and old hobbies revisited. Biking is perfect 🙂 If you still see the ex occasionally, stop it, it isn't helping. Good luck, you'll get there in the end.

bah, I've set plenty of goals, and gone biking by my lonesome enough times that it's starting to get boring.. 'This too shall pass' right.. so I just have to stop being so impatient, grrrrr (not one of my strong points)

Come and have a night out with me, and we'll get proper drunk and have a laugh.

If you're very lucky, I might even buy you a kebab…

You need to find some biking buddies, what area are you in? must be folk on here who can get out with you on some new trails. Pick up a new sport or something. good luck though and remember half glass full x

impatient? well it sounds like a start 😀

As above – (mc post)

Have a look at SPICE (It's a professional activities/weekends away/weeks etc club) – it is a bit pricey but you get to try lots of weird and wonderful things – and can always do them privately if you like them.

Your local library may have a clubs etc folder where there might be something you fancy trying.

I live in Dundee. not a problem in itself and neither do I lack interests and hobbies – but large expanses of time are my enemy and I have student summer holidays coming up. I am dreading the next four months, when my friends will be away and I have only my self-discipline to stop me from falling into a large uninteresting hole…
so if I could 'move on' in the next week or so that would be very helpful.. 🙄

also, that SPICE thing looks terrifying!

Brilliant .. you say it looks "terrifying" go and sign up (not that I've looked!!!!!!!!!!!!) and see it as a challenge I'm sure it will concentrate the mind and take it away from your other thoughts.

(Feels ignored, rejected and hurt. Wanders off, sobbing gently….)

😥

so sorry Talkemada, your offer was duly noted – but I'm not one for sharing kebabs with strange men. 😕

This sounds interesting: Scary weekend – I can put my energy into dreading that instead 🙂

I'm a bit disappointed that no one other than T has suggested anything even approaching debauchery. Sensible advice is all very well, but surely drunkeness and inappropriately anonymous sex should feature in any serious recovery programme?

Sensible advice is all very well, but surely drunkeness and inappropriately anonymous sex should feature in any serious recovery programme?

Do you mind? I don't remember offering any sex, no matter how appropriate or otherwise, thank you very much. What kind of strumpet do you think I am??

No; I meant go out, have a laugh, remind yourself how to have a good time, that's all.

Ah well. The offer stands if you change your mind…

(Wanders off into the night)

sex, drugs and rock n roll… never fails

For me, what worked was deciding I no longer wanted to be a victim and feeling sorry for myself was getting me nowhere.

I took control by concentrating on my good qualities, returned the friendships and kindnesses I had received at my lowest ebb, lent an ear to others in need etc. Most important of all, I learned to like and value myself.

Optimism – it's a beautiful word and stays with me at all times.

Good luck and if you want more CG words of wisdom, e-mail in profile. 🙂

Sorry, Kat, if my comments were inappropriate. I didn't mean anything untoward. I was just trying to lighten the mood a bit, you know?

Meeting up with good friends can be very comforting and reassuring; makes you realise you are wanted, appreciated and loved. I won't pretend things will be easy, but good friends are always there for you.

Yeah, keep yourself occupied. Better than sitting around being maudlin. Go out, have a good time.

And stay away from strange men…

X

I always found getting laid helped

Whatever you do, don't be listening to Danny Dyer at times like this.

All the best with it, remember though drinking only helps short term. Longer term friends and family are the best cure for most things.

If you are worried about the gap in the holidays then is visiting people an option? Go back to the family for a bit? Sometimes a bit of home comfort does wonders for the soul.

Edit: I would also add that a reasonable diet with sufficient nutrients will help.

hehe, no worries Talkemada 🙂
(and no danger with drink: I barely have any as I can literally be tipsy and red cheeked after one measly unit of alcohol)

Interacting with the opposite sex is the last thing I want to do at the moment, and the thought of getting laid is mildly sickening. Unfortunately I think this male-avoidance programme is spilling out to the point where I want to feel as unattractive as possible – which isn't good for the ol' self esteem..

I'm a loner by nature and when I feel down I don't want to spend my time in human company. Which is fine except that I don't think I'm achieving very much by sitting in my bed all day 😳

Stop wallowing in self pity OR get some professional help.

I don't want to spend my time in human company

So why did you turn Talkemada down ?

😕

I don't think I'm achieving very much by sitting in my bed all day

Read? As a student you must have access to a good library. Thousands of years of collective wisdom, truth and beauty is out there. Granted, there's also some shite 😉 Summers coming too, so get yourself to a few music festivals. The more chilled ones are perfectly possible to lose yourself in for a few days.

Unfortunately I think this male-avoidance programme is spilling out to the point where I want to feel as unattractive as possible – which isn't good for the ol' self esteem..

Oh dear…

Thing is, all men are bastards. It's just that some are bigger bastards than others. Unfortunately.

You mention being a student. A difficult time, for sure. Many people are trying to establish their own identity, and this can be a difficult process, as you are constantly under scrutiny from you peers (or so it seems). Many young people suffer from low self esteem in this sort of situation, and it's not uncommon for individuals to suffer crises of confidence. Not helped if relationships go sour; one minute you're riding the crest of a wave, everything seems perfect, the next, it all comes crashing down. People can be very fickle, in such a rarified environment. I saw male friends boasting about 'conquests', but the reality was that they actually felt very lonely. Surrounded by others, expected to be having a great time all the time, that's a lot of pressure.

Seems like you might be feeling a bit raw and vulnerable right now, and feel that you need to be defensive. That's natural. But ultimately, you're still the person your friends love you for, that hasn't changed. Concentrate on the positive; try not to let the negative corrode the good person inside.

Solitude is good. But let it be your time. Fill it with things that nurture you.

Don't sit in your bed all day; you've got a bike! 😀

don't want to spend my time in human company

So why did you turn Talkemada down ?

That's lovely that is, eh? Here I am, trying to be nice, and along comes Ernie to shoot me down again. I might cry myself to sleep at night, because of his cruel words, but he doesn't care… 😥

Bastard.

i have this problem too,spent most of today disposing of all my posessions ,selling my mountain bike tommorrow and than i dont really know what and the stupid thing is i only needed a friend ,been feeling like this for years, kind of come a decision now i think ,oh well i was never going to cure cancer,millions of people worse off than me ,that does,nt seem to help tho,**** knows why i,m posting this on here,suppose its easier than asking for help,feel free to laugh if it makes you feel better about yourself.

Mikey – why are you getting rid of all your stuff?

mikey, that's reading awfully like you've decided on a rather permenant solution fella, are you ok?

Do you have someone you can telephone Mikey – right now?

Do you have someone you can telephone Mikey – right now?

Everyone has :

08457 90 90 90

Google it.

Was thinking more like a relative actually, but still a good call.

Still there Mikey?

No ones laughing Mikey, it sounds like your having a really bad time, and I think you do need to ask for help. There is help there and you wont always feel like this

….you wont always feel like this

Never was said a truer word. And well worth focusing on.

Talk to someone – it's easier than you think.

I,m really sorry ,should,nt post stuff like this on here,

mikey – there are a lot of good people on here who will listen without judging.

Check out their profiles for e-mail contact, myself included.