Projects not programmes… WTF is the difference?
I ‘think’ projects means we have to actually do something, not just write a policy on it

I recommend you all stop moaning and get yourselves promoted so you’re dishing up the bs rather than eating it.

My boss talks sone right old shit

‘pre-empt rather than be prompted’
‘the management pyramid’
‘the management monkey’

What a ****

LOL, sounds like you’ve ended up working for my old boss. Ahhh….reminds me of why I became self-employed 🙂

Latest from my newest company:

Bestsourcing

Which means moving everything out of the country but sounds a bit nicer 🙁

“lets touch base”

I heard that one from one of the guys in sales the other day.

haven’t heard any of the others 🙁

“Come on show me your white rabbit…”

I spend white space browsing stw, whilst avoiding the elephant in the room

‘Cloud thinking’ *** knows what that means, I thought it was similar to day dreaming which I always got in trouble for.

Heard ‘Were here to paint the bigger picture’ a while ago quickly followed by someone saying back to management ‘Oh **** not more finger painting’

There’s a guy I (sort of) work with who keeps going on about securing a “6-figure deal”.
So far I don’t think he’s secured more than a 2-figure deal so he’s got a little way to go but hats off to him for optimism.

Heard most of the rest and I like TSY’s “fill yourself full of win”. 😉

We don’t eat our own dogfood, we gargle our own champagne.

Making up these things is one of the few pleasures I have at work… It’s not rocket surgery.

“Talk to me about…”

no.

I read a job description today which the recruitment agency admitted they couldn’t understand. I read it and told him what I thought the job was but was and admitted I was still guessing. So I’m applying for it…! I guess I’ll find out eventually…
The problem with the **** who use this kind of language is they don’t realise the damage they’re doing by communicating so poorly (ie causing total confusion and leading people to make the wrong decisions), and when you ask them to explain what they meant they take offence…
Self-employment is the only way to get away from these loons!

I’ve actually mamanged to use my all time favorite.
As a response to “There’s no I in team”
“Nope, but there is a U in ****” (The ‘C word’ for when swear filter blocks it)
I laughed for a week once the muppet had left the office.

not so much buzzword, but on a conf call last week one of the contributors, while descibing his attempt to get some paperwork out of a client said ‘so far, the conversation has been purely verbal’ 😆

Some of you guys need to walk a mile down the critical path whilst wearing the customer’s shoes, then and only then will you know the killer question.

Beej, I want to come and work with you. You’re a genius!

Or as I said today:

‘Its like checking the service abilities of the Maitre d on the Titantic, after its hit the iceberg’

To describe the management focus on a particular project that’s gone tits-up.

My place has just hired in some MBA’s who don’t know their AFTE. Loads of acronymz…..even referred to their past employer by their stock ID……I think it’s to cover up they know SFA 🙂

AFTE – arse from their elbow

My boss – lives and breaths that $h1t

Embrace the change

Low hanging fruit

Challenge

Think out side the box

Bad actors

Line in the sand

BTW – if you do ‘challenge’ and it’s not what he wants = negative response

Oh yeah – forgot

Lets capture that as an action 🙂

“Going forward”- translation, I am going to ignore everything you have just said

But my favourite just now is “socialise that”. Ie, “OK, that’s a good plan, but we’ll have to socialise it”. What it seems to mean- though nobody’s that sure- is making sure everyone who reads a business document understands it, by using either universal terminology, or by ensuring that the internal terminology’s universally understood.

Or in other words MAKE THINGS YOU WRITE COMPREHENSIBLE. This doesn’t need a buzz word, it needs less buzz words! Just another case of hanging a silly name on a bloody obvious thing that you should already be doing. If anyone ever says it in my office I’m going to run them through with the sharpened paperknife I keep close at hand for such moments.

I like the phrase “herding cats”. It sums up project management perfectly! 😀

stw- talk to me about herding cats..

‘we have all our ducks in a row’

this gets me every time and when an email needs to be circulated. ‘for onward cascade’ WTF. You mean send it to every who needs it. right!?!

Herding cats? Pah, easy. Herding cats in a thunderstorm, now that’s tricky.

I always find this site useful for when I have meetings with marketing folks. We used to play reverse bullsh!t bingo where the idea was to get 3 made up phrases into the meeting. Nobody ever questioned what was said

http://www.dack.com/web/bullshit.html

Sick of hearing people talk about ‘live’ documents. ”Well remember it’s a live document anyway so we can just…”

I hear this a lot as an excuse when somebody realises there is something not quite right in said document but can’t be bothered changing it…’we can just change it later ’cause it’s LIVE’.

No it’s not live, it’s a dead and inanimate bit of paper. And it’s not a grenade either, which might well be ‘live’.

“Are we all rowing in the same direction?”

Just remembered that one from my previous boss.

I must block these things out because they cause me so much distress. I’d totally forgotten about pretty much everyone wanting to “eat elephant burgers”. Kn0bs.

OK, that’s a good plan, but we’ll have to socialise it

I’m guessing that means: risky plan, not sure it’ll work, if things go tits-up it’ll be my fault/responsibility, so I’m going to send it to everyone in my Outlook contact list just in case, and if no-one objects my backside is duly covered.

the idea was to get 3 made up phrases into the meeting

They are all made up…

ken_shields – i did that once with a presentation to some marketing bods. We were ‘Hunting the long tailed Armadillo’ which was made up over some beers the night before but decided it meant a campaign where the effect trailed on for a long time.

3 months later I was in the company annual meeting and the CEO stood up and had a slide and five minute speech about the importance of ‘Hunting the Long Tailed Armadillo’!

I was told to recruit an analyst and told ‘really sweat them’.

Maybe I’m jaded, but not many of them seem to annoy me anymore, but thats probably because I hear them all day every day.

The moaners are probably stuck, being sweated by their bosses on lower paid jobs than thy think they are capable of 😉

My bullshit bingo loving boss printed off and presented a report I had been working on to the head of department, accidentally forgetting to credit me with the legwork. I found out and challenged him but was told “There is no “I” in team”. Alas I foolishly blurted out “Aye but there’s a U in C*nt”. His face was a picture, however, he got promoted and I was moved to the wilderness.

At the start of a meeting this week I read that the last item on the agenda was a “hot wash-up session”.

Oh, the anticipation….6 hours later I was very disappointed.

I’m so glad I work for a human ex BTCC driver and engineer, not a jumped up American management wannabe.

My wife once said in responce to being told there is no I in team after working late but leaving earlier than everyone else, was yeah, but there is a ME, and I’m off.

Lankysprinter – Member
Projects not programmes… WTF is the difference?

Programmes are groups of projects with a common strategic goal but different objectives. They are two distinct things.

I love the herding cats analogy, it sounds about right.

I personally hate “let’s take this offline”, “face-to-face” (as in a meeting) and “telecon” (conference calls).

djglover – Member

My wife once said in responce to being told there is no I in team after working late but leaving earlier than everyone else, was yeah, but there is a ME, and I’m off.

People who say “There’s no I in team” are often surprised to find there’s no U either. The english language has a sense of humour.

Met one of our suppliers today who we have had issues with. He said he had sent one of the reps on “a trip to the education tour bus……….”. Legend!!

I was at a large social housing provider in Glasgow who had a sign on the wall next to the coathooks “Coats off, thinking caps on”. Legendary.

What about “let’s sense-check these documents” or “I need visuals on that document”

I have written a few down from one particular monthly meeting I attend – keeps me awake: –

“We are breaking down the barriers of social inclusion”

“There’s a yin and a yang with everything”

“The interfacing of the electronic information tells you more than you think you want to know”

“financial strength is one of our strengths”

I swear it’s true – those all came from the same bloke at various meetings.

The last one is a personal favourite of mine.