lets lighten todays mood.

one of my fathers about me being so forgetful.he looked sadly at me whilst shaking his head and and said..

"good job your balls are in a bag, ay son?"

immediately after farting – " better an empty house thatn a bad tennant "

upon hearing the ice cream van music " that's to tell you they've run out of ice cream "

when playing a prank on specimin reception at our local hospital (we gave in a 1ltr coffee jar full of white creamy liquid labelled as a sperm sample) dad calmly said "i know its not much, but it always looks a lot more when its spread all over your chest"

Fill yer boots: http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

Just before a backhander/larruping

this'll hurt me more than it hurts you

and you know what it never bloody did

Now we're farming!

It wont always be dark at 6.
You cant go to work until you get up.
Up here for thinking. Down there for dancing.

Great find Andrew!

Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that

"Never mind knocking about wi sturdy birds lad, think on, closer t' bone, sweeter t' meat"…………… 😆

not my dad, a mate's (he's a taxi driver) "son, always remember this, all capri drivers are w***ers"

Told me the Windmills on the moor betweem Ilkley and Skipton where there so when the resevior freezes they can fly the water over to africa.

http://tinyurl.com/29yqsuq

Also told me the coolong towers on the M1 at Meadowhall made the clouds.

"Never mind knocking about wi sturdy birds lad, think on, closer t' bone, sweeter t' meat"……………

This is quality 😆

bill shatner is playing that dad ina tv series of teh twitter feed?!

"In my day, you used to peel back the pants to see their arse…..nowadays, you peel back their arse to see their pants….."

My mates grandad *actually* said that. He must be at least 90! 🙂

My dad told me when giving me sex advice "Its the second hole from the back of the neck son"

not my dad, a mate's (he's a taxi driver) "son, always remember this, all german car capri drivers are w***ers"

Fixed it for you

Not my dad but……..

"Look son, don't try to tell me,…. I've done this all ovver t' world.

I was doing this in Baghdad when you were still in your dad's bag!"………

does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??

***Dad using pliers to bend a piece of metal very close to his other hand, me watching how it's done***

Me: "Mind you don't…"

***Dad slips and pinches "web" of thumb and causes large open wound***

Dad: "…what do that?"

me – uncontrollable fit of laughter that lasted about 20 minutes.

"you have wore my brain out now start using your own"

"son, always remember this, all german car capri drivers are w***ers"

further fixed: when you're on two wheels all car drivers are out to get you

didn't have a dad to tell me owt…. 😥

but mine to my son is ' never do owt just to please anyone else'.

From a man who has earned and spent loads of money, and now cannot afford to retire:

"Money isn't everything."

Oh, is that right? Is that why you wanted me to continue working in a factory of a law firm that was nearly f—ing killing me as the 100+ hour weeks went by all because it was a "presigious" employer. A place that nearly broke me, and had me so depressed I could barely function (a result of which I'm now royally in the sh*t professionally).

Yeah, thanks for all the advice, Dad.

I'm full of cr*p. I recently became a dad. Am I any less full of cr*p?

does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??

All of mine did

does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??
All of mine did

That must have been one hell of a night!

Looking at a bit of rough in the pub my old man said "looks like it's been hagged bagged and sha**ed from ars***le to breakfast time."…!

WTF was that supposed to mean.? Made me howl though. 😀

Looking at a "chunky" girl in the pub my old man said "that'll keep you warm on those cold winter mornings son".

my dad was over last week (he normally lives in ireland,nr kilkenny),

he is always full of wonderful words of wisdom, he spent most of the week telling me i'm going to die because i ride to work and people always get killed riding bikes to work!,

but

the pearl was while we were watching tv he just suddenly announced in his usual irish way that ''the man across the road from him counts his sheep using a satellite'', he looked at me dumbstruck as i rolled around on the floor pi55ing myself

"Never marry a woman unless she goes like a wounded snake."

My father was very chilled and laconic. After he'd seen me come past him on the back wheel on my GSX-R about 70mph

"stop doing that please son, your mums going to clock ya"

For the fathers in the house, this is some to tell your kids

my favourite is:

"All pubs contain powerful electro-magnets, so Daddies are pulled towards them by the fillings in their teeth"

From my father, when I was about 14:

"You are our only child. No girl you bring home will be good enough for you according to your mother. Just accept that, and get on with it."

MrsSwadey has had a very tough 15 years!

simonfbarnes – Member
does everyone's dad come from Yorkshire ??

Only if you're very lucky.

My Dad (who was a Yorkshireman) to my ex on first meeting:
"Where do you come from?"
Ex: "Hamburg in Germany"
Dad: "Ah I bombed there in the war"

Result was an interminable silence – one where you want the earth to open up and swallow you.

My dad was a very private man. We ended up at a posh aprty in someone's house when I was about 28 and still messing about. Lots of parents with grown up kids complaining about their offspring. My dad said nothing until he was asked for his opinion. He looked at me from about 10 feet away and said "every family has a black sheep but that's the one Dads love the most."

You can tell my kids are going to get away with murder.

PS Hope everything's ok ourmaninthenorth.

My Sister once had a German boyfriend-cum-penfriend she met on holiday and continued to write to.
She entered a comp on Radio 1 to be put in touch live on the radio.

She 'won' and was on the phone, the DJ put the call through to Germany..

The lads mother answered & explained that he was on manoevres with the army as he drove a tank..

(Remember this was going out live..) My dad in the background shouted…

"He's gone to invade Poland!!!"

😆

"You're just a carbon-copy of nothing."

"Education is easy carried."

"Look at **** Bracardo Tubbs there."

"Go and scratch some oil around ya self."

"Look how tall and straight the trees are."

"I used to plough that field"

"Takes me to tha fair."

and other classic Norn Iron phrases.

Have you come round here to top up the tan on the back of your neck with my f@@king fridge light. F@@king fridge termite. Piss off home.

Me "…but I thought…"

My father "Well you know what thought did – followed a muck spreader and thought it was a wedding"

Still don't get it.

My dad was down at the weekend helping out in the garden, left his wellies outside and was concerned about 11pm (after a few beers) they may get wet overnight. I fetched them inside and commented that wellies take a long time to dry out, he then came out with a corking anecdote of how he pissed in a mates wellies at a house party in 1962 and over the course of the evening managed to leave them brimful.

still chortling about it now, quality chap!