All stolen:

The woman who injected her 8 year-old daughter with Botox has lost custody. The child didn’t look surprised

Particle physics gives me a Hadron.

What’s the best thing about ***ing 25 year olds? (answer to follow).

….there are 20 of them 🙄

2 cannibals eating a clown, one says to the other “does this taste funny to you?”

How do you make a sausage roll?

Push it down a hill.

Bloke hears a knock on his door at 2 am. Goes down to answer it and it’s a fella asking for a push. Sling yer hook mate, he says – it’s the middle of the night. Goes back upstairs to bed and tells his wife – she can’t believe he’s so mean as to not help someone out. Remember that time we broke down in the back of beyond, we’d still be there if someone hadn’t given us a push to get the car started, she says.
OK, OK says the man. Gets the dressing gown on and goes downstairs and outside into the night. He says – Where are you mate, I’ll give you that push afterall. I’m over here, a voice says, on the swings.

There are 20 of them?

My racing snail is not winning races anymore. I decided to take his shell off to reduce his weight and make him more aerodynamic. It didn’t work. If anything it’s made him more sluggish.

What’s blue and doesn’t fit?

A dead epileptic.

What sits at the end of a bed and takes the pish?

A kidney dialysis machine.

I was out rowing one Sunday when I dropped both oars into the water. AI happened to see another boat in which there was a guy and a couple of girls. i shouted over to him, “Oi mate, can i borrow one of yer oars!”. The fella shouted back, “They ain’t ‘ores! It’s me wife and sister!”.

Jengledow, THANK YOU! Dad passed away a year ago following a spell of dialysis.. Was feeling a bit sorry for myself. Cant stop crying with laughter. BRILLIANT!! 😆

CM – quality 🙂

Why can’t a bicycle stand up on its own?

Because it’s two tyred!

What is white and can’t climb trees?

A fridge!

What tyres for these jokes?

World Hide & Seek Championships latest scores:

Osama Bin Laden: 0
Madeline McCann: 1

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed, ‘for me?’

‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied. ‘The rest are for your father.’

What’s the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?

One’s an Australian marsupial, the other’s a Geordie stuck in a lift.

Janet Street Porter walks in to a bar.

“Can I get a large aperitif?”

Barman looks her up and down and says, “I seriously doubt it love”

What’s blue and can’t sing?
Blue

Bomba made me cry 🙂

Apparently the Irish SAS joined in the US assault the othe weekend. They stormed Debenhams after hearing Summer bed linen was on the third floor!

What’s blue and can’t sing?
Blue

Proper LOL 😀

I’m over here, a voice says, on the swings.

LOL ! 😀

Bomba made me cry too…

Bomba,i dont get it!
please help, i think im broken.

My favourite joke ever:
A bloke goes to the vet with his budgie, which he fears is dead.

The vet says he can’t be sure and needs further tests. In comes his dog, a labrador, who sniffs and licks the bird, then shakes his head. Next the vet brings in a cat, who looks at it, then slinks morosely away. “I’m afraid your budgie is definitely dead,” says the vet. “That will be £1,010.”

“What?” says the owner. “More than a grand to tell me my budgie is dead?”

“‘Fraid so,” says the vet. “Normally it would be a tenner, but then you had the lab report and the cat scan.”

The only joke I can ever remember……..

What’s the difference between oral and anal sex?

One makes your day, the other makes your whole(hole) week(weak).

toppers – a large aperitif….

A larger pair of teeth perhaps? 🙄

I’m not sure you did post that in the wrong thread

What do you call a Scotsman that’s nearly home? Hamish.

might not have been the wrong thread, but it was not the thread i intended.

whole(hole) week(weak).

if you have to explain it…

I think Hilary Swank would make herself more accessible to men if she changed her forename to Gloria.

BBC News: Bad drivers to face £100 fines

Seems a bit sexist.

I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.I kept thinking to myself, please don’t get an erection, please don’t get an erection…but she did.

I bought a pair of epileptic trousers last week. They fitted.

A woman had been on the game for 4 years and was worried about the size of her f**ny on her wedding night so she decided to tell her husband she caught it climbing over a fence. After an hour in bed with her he said “Just how far across the field were you before you realised it was caught”

Guy with a bad headache walks into a pet shop. He asks if they’ve any aspirin and the owner replies, “Sorry mate, the parrots eat ’em all”.

oooooohhhhhhhhhh. thats v funny. feel a bit stupid now.

Why don’t fairies ever get pregnant?

Cos they only go to goblin parties.

What do you get, if you cross a river with a bicycle?

Wet Feet